FicWad

Trigger Warning

Song Listened To During the Writing Process of This Chapter: Light Behind Your Eyes by My Chemical Romance

Chapter 30

This Time, I Mean It

Mikey’s eyes grew wider. “BAILY!!” Mikey cried as Gerard ran up the stair for the house phone.

Baily appeared in the kitchen with a cup of coffee and in a pair of pajama pants, it was obvious her and Mikey were enjoying an evening of watching movies in the living room.

Mikey followed Gerard and met the two in the kitchen.

“What’s going on?” Baily noticed Gerard’s shaking hands as he dialed the phone and Mikey’s panicked look.

“Where’s Ma?” Gerard choked out as he finished dialing the number he wanted.

“At Grandma’s,” Mikey answered while filling Baily in on what was going on now.

The storm outside was rattling the shutters and the three of them could see lightning striking in the window of the kitchen. The sky was a dangerous greyish black and threatening as hell.

Gerard listened impatiently as the phone rang and rang and then finally went to voicemail for Tristan’s cellphone. Gerard sucked in a deep breath while waiting for the beep, “Trist….where are you? I’m worried. Come home, please. Please call me and tell me where you are. I need to know you’re safe.” Then he hung up. Why didn’t I say ‘I love you’? Gerard’s voice was strained and he was trying to think of a place where Tristan might be.

Mikey took the phone from Gerard and dialed his grandmother’s number, “Ma? Yea, are you ok?” he asked while pacing the kitchen tiled floor. “Ok, good. Stay there till the storm lets up.” He took another breath.

Gerard watched as his brother talked to his mother. Baily was making another pot of coffee. She had said the power might go out and that she needed her caffeine fix before that happened.

Gerard ran a hand through his damp hair and took out a cigarette from his jeans pocket. With shaking hands, he lit it and leaned against the wall opposite the window of the kitchen.

-Belleville Cemetery-

The storm was raging on, now. The water was rushing into the masaleum now and I had picked myself and my bag off the ground. I watched as the water flooded in and started to get too deep for me in there. I decided to run for the van. I wasn’t going to try to drive in this weather, but I figured I could lay down in one of the seats and not be caught in a fucking flood of nasty muddy Jersey water.

I stood close to the entrance of the masaleum trying to will myself to run to the van. I finally worked up the nerve when I heard thunder crack over my head. I screamed in surprise and took off for the van, running as hard as I could.

I reached the van in record time, unlocked the door, and crawled in, slamming the door behind me. I took the seat behind the driver seat and threw my back pack in the front passenger seat.

Staring out the window and the rain was coming down in sheets; I couldn’t see a damn thing. It was too dense and dark. I sighed and wrung out my hoodie of the rain water that soaked it. I was soaked to the bone and freezing. I rolled my eyes at myself for staying out here. Why didn’t you go home?

I kicked off my shoes and socks, depositing them in the seat behind me to dry; I did the same with my hoodie and jeans that were crazy hard to get off because they were so wet. I again rolled my eyes at myself. Wow, now you get to sit here in your underwear in the middle of a cemetery in the fucking dark and rain until it stops so you can go home. Good fucking going, Tristan. You are totally on it today. Oh and to top it all off your phone is somewhere in the basement and you didn’t tell anyone where you were going.

I bet Gerard is so pissed off. I know I would be. He has every right to be angry with me, for many abundant reasons. I never do as I’m told. I never talk to him. I don’t tell him what is going on in my head. I never let him in fully. I need to. I need him. I am always a mess, whether anyone knows it or not. I need therapy or someone.

Jesus Christ, its fucking freezing. My legs have goose bumps and I am shivering. I rummage around the van in an attempt to find something to cover up with. The bus is full of crap. There are several guitar peddles, all kinds of cords, takeout containers, old food (fucking gross ass boys), beer cans and bottles, empty cigarette packs, lighters fucking galore, old stinky-ass socks (are you fucking kidding me?!), two ripped comics that I guess no one cares about, countless notebooks with lyrics and ramblings of all the boys, a few old gig posters from our previous shows, my boots, and lots and lots of garbage.

Then I got lucky. I was in the back seat of the van, hanging off the seat and looking under to the back where I finally found a ratty grey hoodie that smelled like old beer and cigarettes. It has to be Gerard’s I thought as I made my way to my seat up near the front of the van. I sat down and pulled the hoodie over my legs and waited for the rain to let up.

Listening to the rain beat against the metal roof of the van was…soothing….in a way. I miss Gerard. If I could be with you tonight, I would sing you to sleep…I remember him saying that to me on many occasions when I stayed over at Blaine and Nate’s or if he was with Mikey somewhere and we were away from each other. Even though we aren’t communicating at the moment, I know he loves me and wants to be there for me. It’s so damn hard. Why do it have to be so hard to be happy? I never wanted them to take the light from behind my eyes and that is what the world seems to keep doing to us. We never wanted to fade in the dark. I have to be stronger than this. I want to be stronger than this. I need to be better.

-The Way House-

“So, you haven’t seen her today?” Mikey questioned while eying his brother with a worried expression.

Gerard took a deep drag off his cigarette, closed his eyes, and shook his head. What is she doing? Where is she? He was racking his brain for locations and reasons. His heart was beating out of his chest and worry was making its way through his body which now ached.

Mikey hung up and then dialed another number. Gerard finished his cigarette and took a mug of coffee from Baily’s offered hand, nodding a thank you to her as he took a seat at the kitchen table with Baily and now Mikey who was on the phone with Frank.

“Dude, the van is gone. Tristan is gone. She’s out in this fucking storm.” Mikey was now irritated at the situation. It was always something. It seemed like there was ever a moment of peace in this freaking world for them. Mikey was also angry because it seemed like Tristan and Gerard never were ever happy or even on the same page as of lately. He was confused by their relationship but it seemed to him that it wasn’t a happy one and that was strange because he thought they were made for each other. Tristan was broken, he knew that. He always knew that. Too many things had happened in her life and she wasn’t a happy girl. She never was except for the few times with Gerard. Mikey wondered what was going on now.

“Do you have any idea where she might be?” Mikey asked as he listened to Frank freak out on the side of the line. Baily and Gerard could hear Frank swear and try to think of a place where she might be.

Frank wasn’t any help either. Frank was to call Ray and Matt while Mikey dialed Taylor, Blaine, and Nate.

Taylor answered their house phone, “Hello, doll face!” She cried as Mikey tried to speak.

“Hey, Taylor, it’s me, Mikey,” Mikey rolled his eyes as Taylor squealed with excitement. Baily smiled and took a sip of her steamy cup of black coffee.

Gerard stared at Mikey as he talked to Taylor. Apparently Blaine and Nate had caller ID and she thought it was Tristan calling her. Mikey asked if she had heard from Tristan today and she had told him no.

Mikey sighed, “Well, if you do hear from her, would you please let us know?”

“Sure thing, Mikey. Let me know if you find her, ok? I do care for her and I am now extremely worried.” Taylor’s usually cheerful tone was now solemn and anxious.

Mikey agreed and hung up completely overwhelmed.

Gerard’s heart crashed against his ribcage as he ran over scenarios in his mind of what was happening to his Tristan. He rubbed his face in exasperation and wondered out loud, “Where the fuck could she be?”

Mikey scratched his head and sighed, “This is fucked up.”

Gerard shot him a glare, but didn’t say anything. What could he say? Mikey was right, this is fucked up. Tristan is gone on her own accord and didn’t tell anyone where she was going. She put herself out there in that…that…that fucking storm. Goddammit, Tristan. She is so fucking reckless and self-destructive. Why? DAMMIT! Gerard took a deep breath and continued to think.

The three of them sat there in silence for several minutes until the phone ringing broke the silence.

Gerard jerked forward grabbing for the phone, but Mikey answered it before Gerard got there. Baily and Gerard stared at Mikey as he answered.

“Hello,” Mikey said in a worried tone. He eyed Gerard with anxious eyes, knowing his brother was beyond worried.

Gerard was hoping Tristan was calling him back after his pleading message. But his hope was fleeting as Mikey said, “Oh, hey Ray.” Gerard sucked in a breath, his lips tightening into a thin line.

“Yea, Tristan is missing,” Mikey explained, “Yea, we’re just worried because this storm is so bad.”

Gerard looked at his mug in desperation. This is ridiculous, he thought.

“Run away?” Mikey questioned Ray. “Why would she run away? We’ll let you know if we hear anything.” Mikey hung up the phone.

Run away…

Run away…Gerard kept thinking…run away….where would she go? She ran away before.

Then the thought struck him like a ton of bricks. Gerard stood up so fast the chair he had been sitting in flew backward and fell to the floor. Mikey looked up at his brother in shock.

“Gee, what’s wrong?” Mikey questioned.

Gerard ran through the house toward the front door, “I know where she is...” Gerard shouted. “I’ll be back. I have my cellphone.” He raced through the rain to his car in high hope that he’d find her very soon. I’m coming, Trist, he thought as the rain poured and the thunder rolled overhead.

-Belleville Cemetery-

Will this rain ever let up? I rolled my shoulders from stress and tension. I want to go home. Damn, rain.

I curled up next to the window, leaning my head against the cool glass. I sighed and closed my eyes, next thing I know there are headlights coming in from the entrance of the cemetery, making me open my tired eyes and watch as the silver car pulled right in front of the van. Who the hell is that? The car’s lights went off.

A dark shadow ran by the front of the van and came around to the side of the van with the door. I shrank back against the window, hoping it was someone I knew. I can’t take any fucking weirdoes right now.

I saw black hair and the stalky strut of a walk and I knew. Gerard.

He pulled on the handle of the door and opened it with force, then scanned the inside and his blurry eyes fell on me. I could see all the worry and angst around his eyes and the tension in his body as he got inside the van and closed the door behind him. Water was dripping off him from everywhere.

He sat down next to me on the seat, where I had straightened up and he turned to look at me with his hazel eyes. I couldn’t take his penetrating eyes and looked away.

Gerard sat there for moment then asked, “Have you been here the entire time? Are you all right?” his tone was soft and worrisome.

I took a breath and replied, “I’m fine.” How did you know where I was? I couldn’t figure out how he knew where to find me. Why aren’t you angry with me? Hell, I’m angry at me. I was stupid and reckless and fucking crazy as hell.

“You ran away,” Gerard said shaking me out of my reverie. His voice was questioning, but he was making a statement.

I shook my head, “No, I didn’t.” Why would I run away? Why would I run away from him? My head may be messed up, but I know this is exactly where I want to be. I want to be wherever Gerard is and that would be home to me.

Gerard shifted to get a better look at me, “No, not today. I mean I figured out where you were because this is where you were when you ran away two years ago. Remember?”

I stole a look his way, realizing he was right. I had come here when I took off from my house two years ago because my dad was giving me a hard time over my depression and just everything he could throw at me. I didn’t want to go back to the asylum and my father had been threatening that very thing if I didn’t ‘straighten up’. Gerard had been the one to find me then too. He sat with me in the masaleum for hours trying to talk me into going home. He told me he would make sure I wasn’t going back to that place. He knew how bad I had hated that place. Gerard also promised to watch after me and make me talk him if I had troubled thoughts. He’s always been my rock, my Captain America’s shield (yes, I went there. I’m a nerd!) So, in the end, he convinced me to go home. How could I forget that? I didn’t forget that, I just hadn’t thought about it lately. So much has been going on and this fucking year has been the craziest of my life.

I wasn’t running now, but I had wanted to be alone. Of course, I hadn’t figured the storm would be this bad. Hell, I don’t think New Jersey has ever seen a storm a bad as this in all of history. I might be exaggerating a bit, but the storm was hellish.

“Yes, I remember,” my voice was so small. I didn’t even recognize it. I’m not afraid of Gerard, so why was I acting so fragile or even small compared to him. He loves you, my thoughts all ran together.

Gerard cocked his head to the side, “Trist,” he shook his head in exasperation, “I am sorry.” His eyes met mine and honestly he stunned me.

I was taken aback, “Why are you sorry?” I was confused by his apology. He had nothing to apologize for.

Gerard ran a hand through his dripping hair and said, “I am sorry I didn’t wake you this morning before I left. I should have.” I couldn’t help but smile a bit. “I am also sorry I don’t make you talk to me.” I could tell he had been holding that back for a while. His voice shook, “I can’t lose you.”

I shook my head, almost in disbelief, “You shouldn’t be sorry for anything. I should be the one that is sorry.” Gerard moved closer to me, but I remained in the same position. “You aren’t going to lose me. I am forever yours.”

He stared at me, “I don’t know what to do. You don’t talk to me. And I know, I could try harder. You are the only person in this world that I want more than anyone. I don’t know why we are having all these communication issues. We have been best friends for longer than I can remember. I know we are meant for each other. I know that we love each other. I know…I am so in love with you,” he took a breath, clearly exasperated, “I love you.”

“I love you.” I breathed, knowing he needed to hear those words.

Gerard smiled. “I’m a lucky man.” Gerard’s face darkened, “You make me so angry sometimes.” Whoa, I know he’s not to be toyed with.

“I know,” I breathed. I stared back at him, “I know I need to open up to you. I haven’t been trying. I promise I will try harder to let you in. I don’t want to lose you over noncommunication. That would break me.”

Gerard ran a hand over my cheek, “Trist, we are so messed up, you know that?” Gerard’s hand followed a path down my arm and I shivered, “Are you cold?” he asked, concerned. We are so fucked up, but I want him. He is mine. I am his. We can get through anything. I just know it.

My lips quipped up into a slight smile, “Well, I’m not wearing any pants…” I lifted up the hoodie, revealing my naked legs.

Gerard’s mouth gaped open at the sight and he quickly composed himself. My subconscious did back flips at his slip-up. I can get to him with just wearing no pants. Ha, Mr. Way!

The rain wasn’t letting up and the thunder continued to crack overhead. I found myself scooting closer to Gerard, seeking warmth and I wasn’t sure what else. There was no point, since Gerard was even more soaked than I was, but I wanted to be near him.

Gerard put his arm around me and pulled me to him, placing my legs over his and pulling me up on his lap. I laid my head against his chest and listened to his heart beating against his ribcage. I wrapped my arms around him and breathed him in. He smelled of rain water, cigarettes, soap, and coffee.

“Did you just smell me?” Gerard murmured against my head. His arm rubbed my back and I loved every minute of it.

“N-no,” I protested, but I know I was caught. He didn’t say anything else about it, but I felt him smile against my forehead before he planted a soft kiss there.

I leaned up and kissed him softly on the lips. Gerard’s body tensed up at first and then immediately relaxed. Gerard wrapped his arms tighter around me and pulled me closer to him and kissed me back. Then the kiss changed. It was no longer sweet and soft, but rough, desperate, and carnal. The kiss deepened and so did my need for him. I shifted in his lap and straddled him, tossing the ratty hoodie to the side. Gerard’s hands ran up and down my body. He tangled one hand in my loose hair and at the nape of my neck and the other at my waist. I was up on my knees kissing him with this newfound passion. It was blown away by how much I needed him and this kind of closeness. Was it like this with all couples? My hands ran through his damp hair, over the sides of his face, his shoulders, arms, and chest.

Gerard’s hands snaked under the hem of my t-shirt at my waist, feeling my skin and catching my passion for him on fire. I moaned against his mouth, which in turn made him groan deep within his throat, pulling me closer to him. My body was now crushed against his chest and I needed more.

Thunder crashed and lightning cracked, but the two of us never pulled apart. Before I could stop myself I reached down and pulled my t-shirt over my head, leaving me in my bra and panties. Gerard sucked in a breath, stunned from my forwardness. I didn’t even blush, I wanted him. I leaned forward and kissed his lips softly. Gerard placed his hands on my waist and pulled me closer once again and I could feel his need against my behind. Gerard snaked a hand in my hair and my hands found the waistband of his jeans. I heard a sharp intake of breath in my ear as Gerard moaned from my touch. He was trailing rough wet kisses against my neck and throat as my fingers reached for his belt buckle.

Gerard’s hands halted mine and I stared up at him, trying to catch my breath.

“Trist,” he spoke softly, “Are you sure?” Gerard’s hands were holding mine softly. I could see the uncertainty in his eyes.

I leaned into him again and kissed him softly on his lips and then leaned my forehead against his, staring into his eyes. I reached down and tore his shirt over his head then said, “Yes, I’m sure.” I tugged at his belt, undoing it with ease and then I unbuttoned and unzipped his jeans. I kissed his neck and ran my hand along his waistband.

Gerard closed his eyes and groaned. Then Gerard leaned forward and crashed his lips to mine, devouring me. He roughly tugged my bottom lip with his teeth and I moaned into his mouth. I dug my fingernails into the smooth muscled skin of his shoulders and he groaned deep in his throat. He pulled back from me and opened his eyes. They were ablaze with passion and lust.

Then his lips were back on my neck, kissing and nipping with pleasant painful pricks. He sighed as I moaned. His hands tightened around my waist pulling me closer to him. I threw my head back and let him explore his way down my neck and throat. I pulled myself together for a few seconds to the task at hand. I pulled at his jeans and Gerard lifted up slightly off the seat and let me take his jeans and underwear off. He kicked his shoes and socks off. I stood there for a few seconds watching Gerard’s reaction to all that was taking place. He reached out and pulled my panties off with one swift motion. I didn’t waste any time. I straddled him and could feel him beneath me.

Desire sweeps through me as Gerard’s hands travel up my body from my hip to my breasts, dragging the last shred of clothing off, my bra, over my head. His touch sends shivers through me. Gerard groans and kisses me once more, passionately, with a fervor and desperation I’ve only felt once before.

I’m intoxicated by this man and I slowly, oh-so-slowly sink down onto him. Gerard tilts his head back and closes his eyes as he groans. I lean forward with my hands on his shoulders, one hand tangling into his hair, pulling him back to me. Our lips crash together as Gerard wraps his arms around my back, one arm tangling into my hair and other at the small of my back as I move on him. We are kissing and clawing at each other like we can’t get close enough. I am amazed at what I am doing to him and amazed by his reaction to what I am doing to him. I already love watching and hearing him unravel beneath me.

Gerard then clasps my hips and steadies my rhythm, slow and easy. I can’t take much more of this and it’s so cathartic. It needed this closeness. I needed to feel all of him. Gerard is mine and I am his.

I reach up and touch his face with my hands, Gerard stares into my eyes as I sink on him again and again and again. He groans deep and low in his throat as he moves to meet me thrust for thrust. I lean forward and kiss him tenderly and softly as we move together.

I finally find my release, my body already a slave to his, I wrapped my arms around his neck and clung to him as he cried out, “Trist!” and climaxed with me.

We remain wrapped in each other’s arms, naked, upright, and struggling to catch our breaths for a good while. I find sleep, when Gerard shifts and lays us both down on the seat, tangled in each other’s arms. We listened to the rain fall as we lay there in the dark, naked and unashamed.


I awoke to the sound of rain drizzling against the window. Gerard’s eyes popped open, “Hey, you ok?” he asked while tightening his arms around me.

I nodded, “I think the storm is over,” I smiled. This is what I needed. What I wanted. I love him so much. Why can’t we be amazing together all the time?

Gerard softly kissed my forehead, “We should probably head home.”

I groaned and furrowed my eyebrows.

Gerard let out a laugh, “You don’t want to go home?” he questioned, trying to hide his amusement. Just who are you smirking at, Mr. Way?

“Well, yes and no.” I vaguely answered.

Gerard just smiled, “Hmm, well, if we go home, I’ll shower with you.”

I raised an eyebrow at that, “Who says I want to shower with you?” I couldn’t help but tease him. He was being so playful. I loved every part of him, but playful Gerard was an incredible thing to behold.

Gerard leaned up on his elbow, “You don’t?” he questioned.

I couldn’t help but to giggle.

“Are you laughing at me, Tristan?” Gerard asked in mock surprise.

“I would never.” I smiled, then leaned up and softly planted a sweet kiss upon his lips. Gerard deepened the kiss and pulled me closer to him.

“I love you.” He breathed as I pulled away. My heart was soaring.

“I love you too.” He is my everything.

“Let’s go home.” Gerard shifted and grabbed for his clothing that was thrown everywhere and I did the same.

The storm was finally letting up and it was only sprinkling. I felt better as I drove home, following him in the van.

We are going to be ok, I just know it.