Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > I'll see you when I wake (PART 1 and 2)
I'll see you when I wake (PART 3)
The final part to I'll see you when I wake "When Gerard opens his eyes the world is bright and clean. He is barefoot, his toes buried in soft, white sand, and out in front of him stretches a calm...
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Here you go lovelies, it's finally here! If there's any inconsistencies I'm sorry, it's been two years since I started!!
“…up in the sky, beyond the stars and beyond either of their understanding, a decision is made”
The universe does not operate in a way that makes sense to the human brain. It cannot be quantified, measured or pinned down, but it’s always there working away, like cogs ticking in a clock. In the general scheme of things humans are not an important part of this clock, but decisions must be made for them anyway to keep things running. However sometimes, very occasionally, they show something that catches the universes attention enough to alter these decisions.
Most often it’s love.
Gerard counts off the hours in his head. Sunrise, sheet change, spoon fed, pills. Pills, visiting hour, spoon fed, sunset. Today he is restless, his mind over thinking things, and his usual hours of napping in the day time just won’t come. Mikey and his mom arrive after lunch and Gerard puts on a brave face, and for a while they sit together and talk lightly, their small family together again. Almost as if they were just sitting around their shabby kitchen table drinking coffee. Except incredibly not.
When Mikey excuses himself to go to the bathroom Gerard looks at his mother with so much desperation in his eyes that she immediately draws her chair closer.
“How are you really feeling today honey?” Gerard senses this is not the time for bullshit answers that seem to keep people happy.
“I don’t feel real Mom”, he whispers to her “How can this be my life?” She takes his useless hand in her own, the many rings on her fingers glinting under the florescent lighting of the ward.
“I don’t want this anymore. I’m not me anymore. I can never go back to my normal life, I’ll just be a burden on you forever” His voice croaks as he forces out the words. She nods like she understands, but her eyes quickly well up with tears.
“You’ll never be a burden on me Gerard”
Gerard turns his head away and stares at the patch of blue sky outside the window, trying to even out his breaths. When Mikey comes back his mother draws away, and the two of them make small talk until they sense that Gerard has had enough. Before they leave Mikey leans over and kisses Gerard on the forehead, a tiny gesture, but it holds so much.
*
When Gerard opens his eyes the world is bright and clean. He is barefoot, his toes buried in soft, white sand, and out in front of him stretches a calm lilac ocean. Frank is sitting by the shoreline in nothing but his boxers, the water gently lapping at his feet as he makes patterns in the sand with his fingers. Gerard feels a rush of warmth filling him up as he watches him, and his mouth waters at the sight of his bare tattooed skin. An inky pumpkin stares him down as he approaches and slips his arms around Frank’s waist.
“Gerard! Don’t make me jump like that!” Frank shrieks, twisting round to pin Gerard to the ground. Gerard laughs, his black hair brushing against the sand.
“Sorry baby. This is nice, huh?” He says, gesturing around as much as he can with Frank laying on top of him.
“You’re nice” Frank says, without looking around. Gerard grins and draws him in for a kiss, tasting the sweetness of his tongue. Frank kisses back hard, running his tongue eagerly over Gerard’s bottom lip and then biting down hard. He moans against it.
“You bastard” Gerard murmurs, pulling Frank closer to rub against him. In an instant Frank is up and walking away. Gerard blinks in surprise at the sudden lack of contact, looking around him.
“Come along! Stuff to do” Frank calls back over his shoulder. Gerard groans. By now he knows this is Frank language for ‘adventure time’. He hauls himself up, pretending he’s not half hard in his jeans, and goes to stand by the water.
“We going to swim? Build a canoe? Turn into whales?”
“Less sass and less clothes please, Gerard” Frank says, pulling off his underwear in one swift movement. He adverts his eyes in order to keep the problem in his pants under control, and pulls off his own t-shirt and jeans. He stands confident in his nakedness, feeling closer than ever to Frank these days.
“Off we go then!” Frank charges forward into the water, kicking furiously once he’s in deep enough, and Gerard follows. They swim out further than Gerard would have if he was alone, and at a certain point- Frank seems to know exactly where- they start to tread water.
Something about the water feels different to that on earth, or even different to the water anywhere else he’s been with Frank. Other than the pale lilac appearance, it seems to make everything effortless- Gerard stays afloat with small movements, never tiring, and where it touches his skin he feels warm and relaxed. Suddenly, Frank dives underneath the water.
“Dammit Frank” he mutters. He hesitates a moment before following, and gingerly opens his eyes.
The scene that greets him is beyond anything he could have imagined. Frank swims ahead of him towards the coral reef, a smudge of ink and dark hair against the bright colours. It stretches endlessly ahead of them, thousands of plants and coral displaying thousands of colours. Shoals of fish dart about, weaving in and out, and as he gets closer he sees more- starfish, anemones, things he couldn’t even name.
However one problem is becoming apparent. His lungs burn as he reaches Frank, and frantically points towards the surface. Frank however, appears to laugh, mouth open and relaxed in the surrounding water.
“Open your mouth” he mouths, no sound escaping but Gerard gets the idea. Hesitantly he stops holding his breath, expecting the water to flood in, but nothing happens. And then, he finds he can breathe. He stares at Frank in astonishment, taking in lungfuls of this impossible air, and Frank laughs again and grabs his hand.
They swim through the reef together, Frank pulling them one way and then the other to show Gerard a rainbow shell, or an interesting fish, Gerard excitedly pointing at everything he sees. It the most wonderful place he’s ever seen, and warmth spreads through his chest and across his face in a smile, his hand still entwined in Frank’s.
Gerard doesn’t know how long they stay, but when they finally swim up and break the surface he feels like a different person.
“Frank” he gasps, his lungs adjusting to breathing real air again, “that was incredible! I never thought I’d see something like that in my life”
“I knew you’d love it. I was saving it” Frank says, smiling and looking up at him from underneath dark wet eyelashes.
“How could we breathe though?”
“Honestly I don’t know, the water is different here. I feel like it was created just for seeing the reef.” He sounds wistful, and Gerard pulls him closer, kicking to keep them afloat. Their mouths slot back together and Frank lets out a little hum of pleasure. Gerard puts his wet mouth close to Frank’s ear.
“Race you back to the beach and I’ll give you a thank you present” he whispers, and Frank splashes away instantly, Gerard in his wake.
They fall onto the beach, Gerard frantically climbing onto Frank’s wet body, pushing himself up close against his tattooed chest. Frank slips his hands into his hair and tugs, kissing him hard and dirty until Gerard’s panting into his mouth. He can feel Frank is already hard and slick against him. Without warning Frank flips them over and grinds against Gerard’s thigh, mouth open and gasping. Gerard reaches between them to stroke himself, precum running down the head, and Frank smirks at him.
“You like touching yourself Gee?”
“Mmm…I’d rather it was you”
Frank pushes his hands away and slowly spreads Gerard’s legs, and then bends down to suck on the inside of his thigh. He runs his tongue all the way down, and then takes Gerard into the hot tightness of his mouth.
“Oh fuck, fuck…”
Frank sucks harder, pushing Gerard’s cock right to the back of his throat, pulling off again and then plunging back down. Gerard pants and gasps, knotting his fingers into Frank’s hair.
“Just like that…fu- oh god your tongue”
Frank looks up at him suddenly, dark eyes full of lust, and Gerard feels like he’s floating. Then Frank pulls off quickly.
“Frankie!”
“I’ve got better things in mind for you than that baby” Frank smirks.
He gives himself a few quick strokes, mouth open in pleasure, and then leans forward and presses two fingers to Gerard’s lips.
“Suck” he orders.
Gerard’s eyes go wide, taking his fingers in and sucking enthusiastically. When they’re slick Frank pulls them out and reaches down, teasing around Gerard’s hole. Gerard shivers all over in anticipation.
“Fra…oh god”
Frank pushes a finger in, feeling Gerard’s body fight him and then slowly relax. He starts to move it and Gerard whimpers as he slips in a second and scissors to stretch him open. Sweat starts to run down Gerard’s forehead as he stares at the beautiful man leaning over him, his head eclipsing the hot sun.
“Ohh…come on, I need more” he begs.
“I’m going to give you everything”
Frank pushes a third finger in and starts to fuck him fast, and then slams them as deep as they will go. They hit Gerard in just the right spot and he lets out a yelp of pleasure, the sound making Franks body shudder and his dick throb.
“You ready for me?”
“Fuck yes...”
He pulls his fingers out and turns away to spit into his hand, running it over the head of his cock and down the shaft. Gerard stares at him in wonder as he braces his hands on either side of Gerard’s head and finally pushes inside.
Gerard finds that Frank fucks like he does most things- with excitement. He thrusts forcefully, panting and moaning, and Gerard writhes underneath him. He pushes kisses into Gerard’s hair and runs his fingers all over him, exploring him like he’s his latest adventure.
“Baby you’re amazing” Gerard moans, gripping his back. And then he’s coming in hot spurts between them, covering Frank’s stomach.
“Ah shit Gee…”
Frank pounds him harder, his arms starting to shake and tension growing in his belly, and then he’s coming deep inside Gerard, his groans better than porn. Gerard watches his face contort in pleasure and then the lust melts out of Frank’s eyes, replaced by that loving look.
The afternoon is long and warm, and the two of them lounge on the beach, clothes still abandoned. When Gerard starts to yawn Frank pulls him close and he falls asleep on his chest. Frank entwines their fingers and gives them a squeeze before Gerard’s faze from existence.
*
Gerard opens his eyes and immediately closes them. Something is wrong. Cracking them open again he sees its dark outside but the intense overhead lights bear down on him and makes his head ache. His throat feels dry and he lets out a dull groan.
“He’s awake” Someone says to his right.
He lifts his head to see the things he can’t feel. The bedclothes pulled back, his hospital gown torn open. The room is unfamiliar and full of people rushing.
“Gerard? Sleep now”
It’s a nurse he might recognise. He adjusts a tube buried in Gerard’s arm and everything’s gone again.
*
Back in his hospital bed, hooked up to more machinery than he understands, Gerard drifts in and out of sleep. His dreams are dark and deep, and none of them take him to Frank. When he finally wakes up without the fogginess of the anaesthetic his doctor is sitting waiting for him.
“Hello Gerard” Gerard wearily turns his head on the pillow.
“I know this is confusing for you. You had a bad turn last night, we had to operate.”
Gerard frowns. “Mikey” he says, “Where’s Mikey”
“Your family are on their way” Gerard leans his head back in satisfaction, losing interest.
“Gerard I’m very sorry but there are complications developing. Your organs are starting to shut down, and we’ve found a large amount of internal bleeding that wasn’t detected before. We’re going to have to take you back in today and-“
The doctor continues talking, and Gerard squeezes his eyes shut. As far as Gerard is concerned, his body is no longer his. He hears the word “liver” and suppresses a laugh, feeling delirious. He can’t feel these body parts, so why should they matter. He lives inside his mind, where blood and bone are irrelevant.
“Gerard?”
Gerard keeps his face screwed up in a ball, knowing he looks ridiculous but is desperate to shut everything out.
“Okay. I get it” he says, and slips back out of the curtain.
By the time Mikey and his Mom walk in Gerard’s head is pounding steadily. Donna lets something thud to the ground as she goes to hug him, and over her shoulder he sees it’s a rucksack and one of their old sleeping bags. He feels his usual stab of guilt as he nudges her with his head (the most he can do). The hospital is a good hour’s drive from the house Gerard grew up in, with a detour to pick Mikey up from college, which he’s missing a lot of. And mostly they just curl up in a chair beside his bed while he drifts away in dreamland.
“Hi Sweetie”, she says, pulling back to let Mikey shuffle forward to give the same one sided hug.
Gerard huffs in response. He’s having a hard time focusing on either of their faces, and the thudding in his head is getting worse.
“We got here as soon as we could. We’re going to stay while you go into surgery and hopefully they’ll let us sleep here tonight.”
The room starts spinning, and his head falls back against his stack of pillows. He wonders how much pain he would be in if he could feel.
“Gerard? We’ve got about an hour before you go in”
“Gee?” Mikey says timidly. “Mom get someone”
Blood rushes in his ears and he tries to get a word out, but everything feels slow and heavy. He hears his mom tear back the curtain and call out, and feels Mikey’s hands on his face as he blacks out.
*
Gerard crouches on his hands and knees in the cornfield, taking deep breaths. Calm down and speak to Frank, he tells himself. Calm down and speak to Frank. He straightens up and looks around. Its evening, the sun about to set, and he gets a small tug of nostalgia looking at the tall crop flooded with orange light. The last bit of light casts smudges of red and orange, but the rest of the sky looks inky, like deep water. Gerard thinks if he reached out to touch it it would be wet.
He starts to push through the corn towards an enormous tree in the centre of the field. Its huge trunk looks big enough to fit at least six Frank’s around it, arms outstretched, and its low branches make it perfect for climbing. He stops at the bottom and looks up with the fading light in his black hair.
“Frankie?” he calls, and a dark smudge near the top turns to look at him.
“Gerard! Get up here and see the view before the sun sets”
Gerard reaches up and pulls himself off the ground and onto the first branch. After the first few branches he feels the ache in his muscles and grins at his arms as he hoists himself further away from the ground. It feels great to move. Above him Frank hops down a bit lower, worryingly at ease with the height, and when Gerard reaches him he pulls him up next to him.
“Gee, missed you” Frank says quietly, wrapping his arms around Gerard’s waist.
“You too” he whispers, nuzzling into Frank’s hair.
“Look!” Frank says suddenly, pulling back and pointing through a gap in the trees. Gerard looks, and is greeted with the sight of the glowing cornfield, followed by many others Gerard has come to love, in their shades of green and pink and lilac. In the distance the mountains stand silhouetted against the sky.
“It’s beautiful” he says softly. The sun sinks lower, and dark shadows cast across the landscape as they stand watching, entwined in each other, quiet breaths passing between them.
“Frankie...”
“What’s wrong?” Frank turns away from the setting sun, sensing a change in mood.
“Frank it’s starting, things are getting bad. I think I’m going to die” Frank stares at him wide eyed, his grip tightening on his waist.
“Gee I’m sorry…are you sure?”
“I’m sure Frank. My bodies just given up, it’s ruined. I’m ruined” He buries his face in Frank’s neck, holding on to him desperately.
“Shh it’s okay” Frank murmurs, stroking his hair.
“It’s not Frank! What if I don’t end up here? What if I just stop existing?”
“Hey, no. You and me are meant to be together. I love you Gee” Gerard pulls away and looks him in the eyes, and the words hang in the air between them as they realise they’ve never said them.
“I love you too Frank” Frank surges forward and kisses him, his mouth warm and inviting and Gerard moves against him, holding onto the tree trunk for support.
“Easy, I don’t want to fall from here too”
Frank winces a little at Gerard’s comment, and looks around. The darkness has wrapped its way around them, and the stars twinkle out one by one. Tonight they are bright green.
“Come on,” Frank says, “I’ve got something to show you”
They climb down together, Frank quick and confident, his hand gently placed on Gerard’s arm to steady him, and then leads the way through the dark crop. He clutches Gerard’s hand and giggles as they blunder about, and Gerard feels little happy tugs in his chest as he tries to push away the thoughts that weigh him down.
After a short walk they come to a little house. The houses here are few and far between, their presence inexplicable. The two of them have snooped around a few of them, finding clean but abandoned furniture and cupboards of supplies, but always preferred to lounge around in the open air, their bodies close in the long grass. Tonight however, Frank pulls them up a set of wooden steps onto a neat little porch. The house is small and sweet, with pale blue shutters on the windows and a big door knocker. Gerard smiles. It’s the kind of house he imagined himself growing old in as a kid, cosy and alone with his thoughts and his art. Or with someone like Frank, if he could possibly be so lucky.
There’s a faint glow spilling from the windows, and Frank opens the door and pushes Gerard inside ahead of him. He steps into a small front room, the main piece of furniture being a huge purple couch with squishy cushions, and a black blanket carefully draped over it. Around the room candles are dotted about, burning brightly and spilling wax down their sides, and the whole room glows with dancing candlelight. Frank walks over to turn on the fairy lights bundled in the fireplace, and Gerard gazes at him.
“This is so cosy, Frankie”
“Yeah well…I thought I should take you somewhere nice, since you’re my boyfriend. You are right?” he asks, suddenly uncertain.
“Of course I am” Gerard smiles, crossing the room to kiss him gently. They take off their shoes, Gerard’s toes wiggling in the thick, soft carpet, and collapse onto the couch together, Frank immediately putting his arms are Gerard. Gerard presses light kisses into the side of Frank’s neck, and he hums in appreciation.
“You look so pretty in candlelight, Gee”
“Yeah?” Gerard blushes, running his hand through his dark hair.
“Mm, you’re always pretty though”
“You too Frankie”
Frank pushes him back onto the couch, arranging them until he’s lying on top of Gerard, his head against his chest. Gerard reaches down and softly plays with Frank’s brown hair, and Frank slips a hand inside Gerard’s t-shirt and rests it against his stomach, just feeling his warm skin and knowing that Gerard is with him. For now.
For a long time they are quiet, listening to each other’s breaths and the sound of the crickets chirping outside in the growing darkness, content with each other. And then for the first time ever, it starts to rain.
At first its light, just a pattering against the windows, and then it picks up loud and heavy. The couple sit up, breaking their embrace.
“The fuck?”
“Frank? It never rains”
“I know it doesn’t, what-“
Gerard is gone, one second solid and certain beside Frank, the next second just a void as Frank falls onto the cushions.
“Gee?”
The candles extinguish one by one around him, and Frank runs to the door. The rain drenches him instantly, a cold wind starting to blow. Frank wraps his arms around himself, a tiny bundle in a vast landscape.
“GERARD?”
*
Gerard feels like he’s drowning. He tries to draw a breath but he doesn’t know where his lungs are, his mouth opening instinctively in a forced gasp. His ears are ringing and the people around him move like blurs of colour fading away. At first it feels awful, but in the end it’s quite simple. Because suddenly he’s not drowning anymore.
Instead he’s standing beside his bed looking pitifully at his old body. He’s better than that, more than that. He watches the oxygen mask cover his face, and stares at his pale bare chest as they prepare to zap the life back into him, but he’s gone.Suddenly he notices his mother, frozen in shock by the side of the bed. She’s been pushed out to the way to make room for the doctors and her hand is clamped across her mouth as the tears spill out.
“Mom…I’m so sorry” he whispers, walking over to her. He feels like a shadow slipping across the hospital floor. He reaches out and touches her face, pale fingers ghosting over hers. He notices Mikey isn’t here and he’s never been so glad. Mikey should be protected from this.
“I love you” he says, sadness filling him up.
Darkness starts to creep around the edges of his vision, and then it’s everywhere, clouding his eyes and filling his nose. Finally he feels a familiar pair of arms wrap around him, pulling him away.
Yes, he thinks. I’ll sleep now.
*
Epilogue
Gerard wakes up and stretches happily, the sun streaming through the window onto the double bed. Beside him is an empty space with the covers thrown back, and Gerard lifts his head to look around. His dark hair sticks up wildly. Frank comes bustling through the door with a breakfast tray, a grin plastered across his face, stepping over clothes and last nights tied up condom on the floor.
“Morning babe” Gerard says
“Morning you. Man I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again, it is great to be eating again”
The tray is loaded with coffee, glasses of orange juice, toast, bagels, cereal, waffles, more than Gerard would ever have picked for the two of them, but Frank’s appetite never seems to fade. It’s a week since they woke up in their new house together, disorientated and confused, but they had clung to each other and sobbed with relief. Frank’s world had come crashing down around him for a second time, but he found Gerard in the dark just like he knew he would.
They eat and laugh together and then when Frank finally seems satisfied they get dressed for the day. Gerard runs his eyes over Frank in his denim jacket covered in badges, dark hair tucked behind his ears, and slips on his own tight leather jacket. Checking the time they hurry out the house through the front room, past their purple squishy couch with messy black blankets, and onto the porch. Behind them the house is small and sweet, with pale blue shutters and window boxes overflowing with flowers.
“Teleport or slide?” Gerard asks.
“You should know my answer by now” Frank grins, going around to the side of the house.
Frank throws himself down on one of the mats at the top of the slide, and reaches over to pass one to Gerard. Gerard ignores it and hops on behind Frank, stretching out his legs and wrapping his arms around his waist.
“Alright then, let’s do this!”
Frank pushes off and Gerard’s stomach drops, heart pounding in excitement. They go rushing down the slope, Frank wooping with joy, away from their little house placed high on the hill. They plunge past jewelled fields of flowers, twist past snow-capped mountains glittering in the sunlight, see the turquoise river running towards the lake. Soon the only village comes into sight, and Frank drags his heels to slow them down as they’re dumped onto the village green, laughing and stumbling to their feet.
“Come on, she’ll be waiting” Gerard says, smiling to himself. Because he still can’t get used to it.
At her house Gerard’s Grandma makes them tea, brings out the best biscuits for the second time that week, pinches Gerard’s cheeks, and fusses over Frankie. She gets them settled on the neat couch, talking a mile a minute, and Gerard has never felt so happy.
*
Two months later
“Well are you ready Ray?”
Discovering Ray in the village had come as a shock for Gerard. They hadn’t been close on Earth, but as kids had exchanged awkward words about music and guitars while their Mother’s had chatted. His unexplained disappearance two years before Gerard’s rooftop incident had shaken Donna, and Gerard never thought he’d find him here in paradise, his house unimaginably full of instruments.
“Yeah” Ray smiles, adjusting the strap around his neck.
“How ‘bout you, Frank?”
Frank clutches his guitar like it’s the most precious thing he’s ever owned, running his fingers over the word ‘pansy’ in beautiful lettering. It had been on the kitchen table the morning they woke up.
“Oh, I’m there, baby” Frank says, giving Gerard a wink. They were all crammed onto Frank and Gerard’s front porch to practise.
For a second Gerard feels sad, wishing Mikey was there with him. He had just begun learning the bass before Gerard went into hospital, and he could see he was going to be amazing. He pushes the thought away, knowing that the longer it took for him to see Mikey, the longer Mikey would live.
“How about you Bob?” Gerard calls through their open front door, where Bob’s drum kit had been crammed just inside the entrance. Bob had been a friend of Frank’s back in Jersey, and they’d gone to gigs and bars together. When Gerard asked how he died, Frank simply replied “He just partied too hard. Too much drink, too many drugs”. Gerard was glad Bob was here with them now.
“Fucking ready” Bob shouts
“Well I think I’m alright” Gerard grins, sauntering towards the porch steps. And then they’re off, Ray’s hands flying across the frets with skill like Gerard’s never seen, Frank flinging himself around so hard that Gerard worries about his potted Begonias, and Bob beating his drums within an inch of their life. He looks out into his imaginary crowd, soon to be a real one when they perform in the village square, and just knows they’re onto something.
Below them a beautiful landscape stretches out full of their friends and relatives, but also many empty houses standing waiting. It didn’t take long to find the pretty cottage with a thatched roof, the swirly writing on the gate reading ‘Donna’, and the tall house with black window frames marked ‘Mikey’, and a girl’s name Gerard doesn’t recognise. He takes comfort in the fact that one day they’ll be together again.
As Gerard sings he catches Frank’s eye and smiles, and knows that everything will be just fine.
Well there you go :) Please let me know what you think! I hope you enjoyed it
“…up in the sky, beyond the stars and beyond either of their understanding, a decision is made”
The universe does not operate in a way that makes sense to the human brain. It cannot be quantified, measured or pinned down, but it’s always there working away, like cogs ticking in a clock. In the general scheme of things humans are not an important part of this clock, but decisions must be made for them anyway to keep things running. However sometimes, very occasionally, they show something that catches the universes attention enough to alter these decisions.
Most often it’s love.
Gerard counts off the hours in his head. Sunrise, sheet change, spoon fed, pills. Pills, visiting hour, spoon fed, sunset. Today he is restless, his mind over thinking things, and his usual hours of napping in the day time just won’t come. Mikey and his mom arrive after lunch and Gerard puts on a brave face, and for a while they sit together and talk lightly, their small family together again. Almost as if they were just sitting around their shabby kitchen table drinking coffee. Except incredibly not.
When Mikey excuses himself to go to the bathroom Gerard looks at his mother with so much desperation in his eyes that she immediately draws her chair closer.
“How are you really feeling today honey?” Gerard senses this is not the time for bullshit answers that seem to keep people happy.
“I don’t feel real Mom”, he whispers to her “How can this be my life?” She takes his useless hand in her own, the many rings on her fingers glinting under the florescent lighting of the ward.
“I don’t want this anymore. I’m not me anymore. I can never go back to my normal life, I’ll just be a burden on you forever” His voice croaks as he forces out the words. She nods like she understands, but her eyes quickly well up with tears.
“You’ll never be a burden on me Gerard”
Gerard turns his head away and stares at the patch of blue sky outside the window, trying to even out his breaths. When Mikey comes back his mother draws away, and the two of them make small talk until they sense that Gerard has had enough. Before they leave Mikey leans over and kisses Gerard on the forehead, a tiny gesture, but it holds so much.
*
When Gerard opens his eyes the world is bright and clean. He is barefoot, his toes buried in soft, white sand, and out in front of him stretches a calm lilac ocean. Frank is sitting by the shoreline in nothing but his boxers, the water gently lapping at his feet as he makes patterns in the sand with his fingers. Gerard feels a rush of warmth filling him up as he watches him, and his mouth waters at the sight of his bare tattooed skin. An inky pumpkin stares him down as he approaches and slips his arms around Frank’s waist.
“Gerard! Don’t make me jump like that!” Frank shrieks, twisting round to pin Gerard to the ground. Gerard laughs, his black hair brushing against the sand.
“Sorry baby. This is nice, huh?” He says, gesturing around as much as he can with Frank laying on top of him.
“You’re nice” Frank says, without looking around. Gerard grins and draws him in for a kiss, tasting the sweetness of his tongue. Frank kisses back hard, running his tongue eagerly over Gerard’s bottom lip and then biting down hard. He moans against it.
“You bastard” Gerard murmurs, pulling Frank closer to rub against him. In an instant Frank is up and walking away. Gerard blinks in surprise at the sudden lack of contact, looking around him.
“Come along! Stuff to do” Frank calls back over his shoulder. Gerard groans. By now he knows this is Frank language for ‘adventure time’. He hauls himself up, pretending he’s not half hard in his jeans, and goes to stand by the water.
“We going to swim? Build a canoe? Turn into whales?”
“Less sass and less clothes please, Gerard” Frank says, pulling off his underwear in one swift movement. He adverts his eyes in order to keep the problem in his pants under control, and pulls off his own t-shirt and jeans. He stands confident in his nakedness, feeling closer than ever to Frank these days.
“Off we go then!” Frank charges forward into the water, kicking furiously once he’s in deep enough, and Gerard follows. They swim out further than Gerard would have if he was alone, and at a certain point- Frank seems to know exactly where- they start to tread water.
Something about the water feels different to that on earth, or even different to the water anywhere else he’s been with Frank. Other than the pale lilac appearance, it seems to make everything effortless- Gerard stays afloat with small movements, never tiring, and where it touches his skin he feels warm and relaxed. Suddenly, Frank dives underneath the water.
“Dammit Frank” he mutters. He hesitates a moment before following, and gingerly opens his eyes.
The scene that greets him is beyond anything he could have imagined. Frank swims ahead of him towards the coral reef, a smudge of ink and dark hair against the bright colours. It stretches endlessly ahead of them, thousands of plants and coral displaying thousands of colours. Shoals of fish dart about, weaving in and out, and as he gets closer he sees more- starfish, anemones, things he couldn’t even name.
However one problem is becoming apparent. His lungs burn as he reaches Frank, and frantically points towards the surface. Frank however, appears to laugh, mouth open and relaxed in the surrounding water.
“Open your mouth” he mouths, no sound escaping but Gerard gets the idea. Hesitantly he stops holding his breath, expecting the water to flood in, but nothing happens. And then, he finds he can breathe. He stares at Frank in astonishment, taking in lungfuls of this impossible air, and Frank laughs again and grabs his hand.
They swim through the reef together, Frank pulling them one way and then the other to show Gerard a rainbow shell, or an interesting fish, Gerard excitedly pointing at everything he sees. It the most wonderful place he’s ever seen, and warmth spreads through his chest and across his face in a smile, his hand still entwined in Frank’s.
Gerard doesn’t know how long they stay, but when they finally swim up and break the surface he feels like a different person.
“Frank” he gasps, his lungs adjusting to breathing real air again, “that was incredible! I never thought I’d see something like that in my life”
“I knew you’d love it. I was saving it” Frank says, smiling and looking up at him from underneath dark wet eyelashes.
“How could we breathe though?”
“Honestly I don’t know, the water is different here. I feel like it was created just for seeing the reef.” He sounds wistful, and Gerard pulls him closer, kicking to keep them afloat. Their mouths slot back together and Frank lets out a little hum of pleasure. Gerard puts his wet mouth close to Frank’s ear.
“Race you back to the beach and I’ll give you a thank you present” he whispers, and Frank splashes away instantly, Gerard in his wake.
They fall onto the beach, Gerard frantically climbing onto Frank’s wet body, pushing himself up close against his tattooed chest. Frank slips his hands into his hair and tugs, kissing him hard and dirty until Gerard’s panting into his mouth. He can feel Frank is already hard and slick against him. Without warning Frank flips them over and grinds against Gerard’s thigh, mouth open and gasping. Gerard reaches between them to stroke himself, precum running down the head, and Frank smirks at him.
“You like touching yourself Gee?”
“Mmm…I’d rather it was you”
Frank pushes his hands away and slowly spreads Gerard’s legs, and then bends down to suck on the inside of his thigh. He runs his tongue all the way down, and then takes Gerard into the hot tightness of his mouth.
“Oh fuck, fuck…”
Frank sucks harder, pushing Gerard’s cock right to the back of his throat, pulling off again and then plunging back down. Gerard pants and gasps, knotting his fingers into Frank’s hair.
“Just like that…fu- oh god your tongue”
Frank looks up at him suddenly, dark eyes full of lust, and Gerard feels like he’s floating. Then Frank pulls off quickly.
“Frankie!”
“I’ve got better things in mind for you than that baby” Frank smirks.
He gives himself a few quick strokes, mouth open in pleasure, and then leans forward and presses two fingers to Gerard’s lips.
“Suck” he orders.
Gerard’s eyes go wide, taking his fingers in and sucking enthusiastically. When they’re slick Frank pulls them out and reaches down, teasing around Gerard’s hole. Gerard shivers all over in anticipation.
“Fra…oh god”
Frank pushes a finger in, feeling Gerard’s body fight him and then slowly relax. He starts to move it and Gerard whimpers as he slips in a second and scissors to stretch him open. Sweat starts to run down Gerard’s forehead as he stares at the beautiful man leaning over him, his head eclipsing the hot sun.
“Ohh…come on, I need more” he begs.
“I’m going to give you everything”
Frank pushes a third finger in and starts to fuck him fast, and then slams them as deep as they will go. They hit Gerard in just the right spot and he lets out a yelp of pleasure, the sound making Franks body shudder and his dick throb.
“You ready for me?”
“Fuck yes...”
He pulls his fingers out and turns away to spit into his hand, running it over the head of his cock and down the shaft. Gerard stares at him in wonder as he braces his hands on either side of Gerard’s head and finally pushes inside.
Gerard finds that Frank fucks like he does most things- with excitement. He thrusts forcefully, panting and moaning, and Gerard writhes underneath him. He pushes kisses into Gerard’s hair and runs his fingers all over him, exploring him like he’s his latest adventure.
“Baby you’re amazing” Gerard moans, gripping his back. And then he’s coming in hot spurts between them, covering Frank’s stomach.
“Ah shit Gee…”
Frank pounds him harder, his arms starting to shake and tension growing in his belly, and then he’s coming deep inside Gerard, his groans better than porn. Gerard watches his face contort in pleasure and then the lust melts out of Frank’s eyes, replaced by that loving look.
The afternoon is long and warm, and the two of them lounge on the beach, clothes still abandoned. When Gerard starts to yawn Frank pulls him close and he falls asleep on his chest. Frank entwines their fingers and gives them a squeeze before Gerard’s faze from existence.
*
Gerard opens his eyes and immediately closes them. Something is wrong. Cracking them open again he sees its dark outside but the intense overhead lights bear down on him and makes his head ache. His throat feels dry and he lets out a dull groan.
“He’s awake” Someone says to his right.
He lifts his head to see the things he can’t feel. The bedclothes pulled back, his hospital gown torn open. The room is unfamiliar and full of people rushing.
“Gerard? Sleep now”
It’s a nurse he might recognise. He adjusts a tube buried in Gerard’s arm and everything’s gone again.
*
Back in his hospital bed, hooked up to more machinery than he understands, Gerard drifts in and out of sleep. His dreams are dark and deep, and none of them take him to Frank. When he finally wakes up without the fogginess of the anaesthetic his doctor is sitting waiting for him.
“Hello Gerard” Gerard wearily turns his head on the pillow.
“I know this is confusing for you. You had a bad turn last night, we had to operate.”
Gerard frowns. “Mikey” he says, “Where’s Mikey”
“Your family are on their way” Gerard leans his head back in satisfaction, losing interest.
“Gerard I’m very sorry but there are complications developing. Your organs are starting to shut down, and we’ve found a large amount of internal bleeding that wasn’t detected before. We’re going to have to take you back in today and-“
The doctor continues talking, and Gerard squeezes his eyes shut. As far as Gerard is concerned, his body is no longer his. He hears the word “liver” and suppresses a laugh, feeling delirious. He can’t feel these body parts, so why should they matter. He lives inside his mind, where blood and bone are irrelevant.
“Gerard?”
Gerard keeps his face screwed up in a ball, knowing he looks ridiculous but is desperate to shut everything out.
“Okay. I get it” he says, and slips back out of the curtain.
By the time Mikey and his Mom walk in Gerard’s head is pounding steadily. Donna lets something thud to the ground as she goes to hug him, and over her shoulder he sees it’s a rucksack and one of their old sleeping bags. He feels his usual stab of guilt as he nudges her with his head (the most he can do). The hospital is a good hour’s drive from the house Gerard grew up in, with a detour to pick Mikey up from college, which he’s missing a lot of. And mostly they just curl up in a chair beside his bed while he drifts away in dreamland.
“Hi Sweetie”, she says, pulling back to let Mikey shuffle forward to give the same one sided hug.
Gerard huffs in response. He’s having a hard time focusing on either of their faces, and the thudding in his head is getting worse.
“We got here as soon as we could. We’re going to stay while you go into surgery and hopefully they’ll let us sleep here tonight.”
The room starts spinning, and his head falls back against his stack of pillows. He wonders how much pain he would be in if he could feel.
“Gerard? We’ve got about an hour before you go in”
“Gee?” Mikey says timidly. “Mom get someone”
Blood rushes in his ears and he tries to get a word out, but everything feels slow and heavy. He hears his mom tear back the curtain and call out, and feels Mikey’s hands on his face as he blacks out.
*
Gerard crouches on his hands and knees in the cornfield, taking deep breaths. Calm down and speak to Frank, he tells himself. Calm down and speak to Frank. He straightens up and looks around. Its evening, the sun about to set, and he gets a small tug of nostalgia looking at the tall crop flooded with orange light. The last bit of light casts smudges of red and orange, but the rest of the sky looks inky, like deep water. Gerard thinks if he reached out to touch it it would be wet.
He starts to push through the corn towards an enormous tree in the centre of the field. Its huge trunk looks big enough to fit at least six Frank’s around it, arms outstretched, and its low branches make it perfect for climbing. He stops at the bottom and looks up with the fading light in his black hair.
“Frankie?” he calls, and a dark smudge near the top turns to look at him.
“Gerard! Get up here and see the view before the sun sets”
Gerard reaches up and pulls himself off the ground and onto the first branch. After the first few branches he feels the ache in his muscles and grins at his arms as he hoists himself further away from the ground. It feels great to move. Above him Frank hops down a bit lower, worryingly at ease with the height, and when Gerard reaches him he pulls him up next to him.
“Gee, missed you” Frank says quietly, wrapping his arms around Gerard’s waist.
“You too” he whispers, nuzzling into Frank’s hair.
“Look!” Frank says suddenly, pulling back and pointing through a gap in the trees. Gerard looks, and is greeted with the sight of the glowing cornfield, followed by many others Gerard has come to love, in their shades of green and pink and lilac. In the distance the mountains stand silhouetted against the sky.
“It’s beautiful” he says softly. The sun sinks lower, and dark shadows cast across the landscape as they stand watching, entwined in each other, quiet breaths passing between them.
“Frankie...”
“What’s wrong?” Frank turns away from the setting sun, sensing a change in mood.
“Frank it’s starting, things are getting bad. I think I’m going to die” Frank stares at him wide eyed, his grip tightening on his waist.
“Gee I’m sorry…are you sure?”
“I’m sure Frank. My bodies just given up, it’s ruined. I’m ruined” He buries his face in Frank’s neck, holding on to him desperately.
“Shh it’s okay” Frank murmurs, stroking his hair.
“It’s not Frank! What if I don’t end up here? What if I just stop existing?”
“Hey, no. You and me are meant to be together. I love you Gee” Gerard pulls away and looks him in the eyes, and the words hang in the air between them as they realise they’ve never said them.
“I love you too Frank” Frank surges forward and kisses him, his mouth warm and inviting and Gerard moves against him, holding onto the tree trunk for support.
“Easy, I don’t want to fall from here too”
Frank winces a little at Gerard’s comment, and looks around. The darkness has wrapped its way around them, and the stars twinkle out one by one. Tonight they are bright green.
“Come on,” Frank says, “I’ve got something to show you”
They climb down together, Frank quick and confident, his hand gently placed on Gerard’s arm to steady him, and then leads the way through the dark crop. He clutches Gerard’s hand and giggles as they blunder about, and Gerard feels little happy tugs in his chest as he tries to push away the thoughts that weigh him down.
After a short walk they come to a little house. The houses here are few and far between, their presence inexplicable. The two of them have snooped around a few of them, finding clean but abandoned furniture and cupboards of supplies, but always preferred to lounge around in the open air, their bodies close in the long grass. Tonight however, Frank pulls them up a set of wooden steps onto a neat little porch. The house is small and sweet, with pale blue shutters on the windows and a big door knocker. Gerard smiles. It’s the kind of house he imagined himself growing old in as a kid, cosy and alone with his thoughts and his art. Or with someone like Frank, if he could possibly be so lucky.
There’s a faint glow spilling from the windows, and Frank opens the door and pushes Gerard inside ahead of him. He steps into a small front room, the main piece of furniture being a huge purple couch with squishy cushions, and a black blanket carefully draped over it. Around the room candles are dotted about, burning brightly and spilling wax down their sides, and the whole room glows with dancing candlelight. Frank walks over to turn on the fairy lights bundled in the fireplace, and Gerard gazes at him.
“This is so cosy, Frankie”
“Yeah well…I thought I should take you somewhere nice, since you’re my boyfriend. You are right?” he asks, suddenly uncertain.
“Of course I am” Gerard smiles, crossing the room to kiss him gently. They take off their shoes, Gerard’s toes wiggling in the thick, soft carpet, and collapse onto the couch together, Frank immediately putting his arms are Gerard. Gerard presses light kisses into the side of Frank’s neck, and he hums in appreciation.
“You look so pretty in candlelight, Gee”
“Yeah?” Gerard blushes, running his hand through his dark hair.
“Mm, you’re always pretty though”
“You too Frankie”
Frank pushes him back onto the couch, arranging them until he’s lying on top of Gerard, his head against his chest. Gerard reaches down and softly plays with Frank’s brown hair, and Frank slips a hand inside Gerard’s t-shirt and rests it against his stomach, just feeling his warm skin and knowing that Gerard is with him. For now.
For a long time they are quiet, listening to each other’s breaths and the sound of the crickets chirping outside in the growing darkness, content with each other. And then for the first time ever, it starts to rain.
At first its light, just a pattering against the windows, and then it picks up loud and heavy. The couple sit up, breaking their embrace.
“The fuck?”
“Frank? It never rains”
“I know it doesn’t, what-“
Gerard is gone, one second solid and certain beside Frank, the next second just a void as Frank falls onto the cushions.
“Gee?”
The candles extinguish one by one around him, and Frank runs to the door. The rain drenches him instantly, a cold wind starting to blow. Frank wraps his arms around himself, a tiny bundle in a vast landscape.
“GERARD?”
*
Gerard feels like he’s drowning. He tries to draw a breath but he doesn’t know where his lungs are, his mouth opening instinctively in a forced gasp. His ears are ringing and the people around him move like blurs of colour fading away. At first it feels awful, but in the end it’s quite simple. Because suddenly he’s not drowning anymore.
Instead he’s standing beside his bed looking pitifully at his old body. He’s better than that, more than that. He watches the oxygen mask cover his face, and stares at his pale bare chest as they prepare to zap the life back into him, but he’s gone.Suddenly he notices his mother, frozen in shock by the side of the bed. She’s been pushed out to the way to make room for the doctors and her hand is clamped across her mouth as the tears spill out.
“Mom…I’m so sorry” he whispers, walking over to her. He feels like a shadow slipping across the hospital floor. He reaches out and touches her face, pale fingers ghosting over hers. He notices Mikey isn’t here and he’s never been so glad. Mikey should be protected from this.
“I love you” he says, sadness filling him up.
Darkness starts to creep around the edges of his vision, and then it’s everywhere, clouding his eyes and filling his nose. Finally he feels a familiar pair of arms wrap around him, pulling him away.
Yes, he thinks. I’ll sleep now.
*
Epilogue
Gerard wakes up and stretches happily, the sun streaming through the window onto the double bed. Beside him is an empty space with the covers thrown back, and Gerard lifts his head to look around. His dark hair sticks up wildly. Frank comes bustling through the door with a breakfast tray, a grin plastered across his face, stepping over clothes and last nights tied up condom on the floor.
“Morning babe” Gerard says
“Morning you. Man I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again, it is great to be eating again”
The tray is loaded with coffee, glasses of orange juice, toast, bagels, cereal, waffles, more than Gerard would ever have picked for the two of them, but Frank’s appetite never seems to fade. It’s a week since they woke up in their new house together, disorientated and confused, but they had clung to each other and sobbed with relief. Frank’s world had come crashing down around him for a second time, but he found Gerard in the dark just like he knew he would.
They eat and laugh together and then when Frank finally seems satisfied they get dressed for the day. Gerard runs his eyes over Frank in his denim jacket covered in badges, dark hair tucked behind his ears, and slips on his own tight leather jacket. Checking the time they hurry out the house through the front room, past their purple squishy couch with messy black blankets, and onto the porch. Behind them the house is small and sweet, with pale blue shutters and window boxes overflowing with flowers.
“Teleport or slide?” Gerard asks.
“You should know my answer by now” Frank grins, going around to the side of the house.
Frank throws himself down on one of the mats at the top of the slide, and reaches over to pass one to Gerard. Gerard ignores it and hops on behind Frank, stretching out his legs and wrapping his arms around his waist.
“Alright then, let’s do this!”
Frank pushes off and Gerard’s stomach drops, heart pounding in excitement. They go rushing down the slope, Frank wooping with joy, away from their little house placed high on the hill. They plunge past jewelled fields of flowers, twist past snow-capped mountains glittering in the sunlight, see the turquoise river running towards the lake. Soon the only village comes into sight, and Frank drags his heels to slow them down as they’re dumped onto the village green, laughing and stumbling to their feet.
“Come on, she’ll be waiting” Gerard says, smiling to himself. Because he still can’t get used to it.
At her house Gerard’s Grandma makes them tea, brings out the best biscuits for the second time that week, pinches Gerard’s cheeks, and fusses over Frankie. She gets them settled on the neat couch, talking a mile a minute, and Gerard has never felt so happy.
*
Two months later
“Well are you ready Ray?”
Discovering Ray in the village had come as a shock for Gerard. They hadn’t been close on Earth, but as kids had exchanged awkward words about music and guitars while their Mother’s had chatted. His unexplained disappearance two years before Gerard’s rooftop incident had shaken Donna, and Gerard never thought he’d find him here in paradise, his house unimaginably full of instruments.
“Yeah” Ray smiles, adjusting the strap around his neck.
“How ‘bout you, Frank?”
Frank clutches his guitar like it’s the most precious thing he’s ever owned, running his fingers over the word ‘pansy’ in beautiful lettering. It had been on the kitchen table the morning they woke up.
“Oh, I’m there, baby” Frank says, giving Gerard a wink. They were all crammed onto Frank and Gerard’s front porch to practise.
For a second Gerard feels sad, wishing Mikey was there with him. He had just begun learning the bass before Gerard went into hospital, and he could see he was going to be amazing. He pushes the thought away, knowing that the longer it took for him to see Mikey, the longer Mikey would live.
“How about you Bob?” Gerard calls through their open front door, where Bob’s drum kit had been crammed just inside the entrance. Bob had been a friend of Frank’s back in Jersey, and they’d gone to gigs and bars together. When Gerard asked how he died, Frank simply replied “He just partied too hard. Too much drink, too many drugs”. Gerard was glad Bob was here with them now.
“Fucking ready” Bob shouts
“Well I think I’m alright” Gerard grins, sauntering towards the porch steps. And then they’re off, Ray’s hands flying across the frets with skill like Gerard’s never seen, Frank flinging himself around so hard that Gerard worries about his potted Begonias, and Bob beating his drums within an inch of their life. He looks out into his imaginary crowd, soon to be a real one when they perform in the village square, and just knows they’re onto something.
Below them a beautiful landscape stretches out full of their friends and relatives, but also many empty houses standing waiting. It didn’t take long to find the pretty cottage with a thatched roof, the swirly writing on the gate reading ‘Donna’, and the tall house with black window frames marked ‘Mikey’, and a girl’s name Gerard doesn’t recognise. He takes comfort in the fact that one day they’ll be together again.
As Gerard sings he catches Frank’s eye and smiles, and knows that everything will be just fine.
Well there you go :) Please let me know what you think! I hope you enjoyed it
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