FicWad

Sometimes I wonder what happened to you. I really do. It's just that one day you were mouthy little John, with your lighter and I hate the world attitude, and the next day you were Magneto's right hand man.

Which, by the way, is just a bad idea. You saw what he did to Mystique. What makes you think that you're any different than that? You're not. Not to men like that you're not.

To me, you are. You were always different to me.

I've been thinking about it, John. I can only think of one reason that you went to Magneto. You wanted a family.

But are you really that blind? I mean, honestly. Why couldn't you have seen that you have a family that loves you? You had one the whole time. I was your family. When you left, I felt so lost and betrayed.

I wanted to wrap my hands around your throat and choke the life out of you. I wanted to hug you, hit you, kiss you, kick you, love you, and hate you. I guess I am the girl in this relationship. I guess that I always was.

I'm still with Rogue, by the way. I don't know how much longer that's going to last. Now she's got the cure, and I don't know. She's just not really the same girl I thought she was, you know?

She changed. Just like you did.

And now maybe I'll have lost you both.

She thinks I'm sneaking around on her. With Kitty, of all people. She's just a little too jealous. Must be that Southern belle part of her. You know, the one that you used to make fun of when she first came?

When we were young and knew everything.

I never loved her half as much as I loved you. I know that you think that's insane, but it's the truth. Do you remember when we first came here? You were dragging that army duffle bag that I thought was full of clothes, but really had your candles and dirty magazines in it. You had that book bag that had all your clothes in it.

I remember how embarrassed I was to unpack my trunk. My mom had packed it for me, and everything was all neat and tidy. You just dumped you back pack onto the bed and stared at the heap for a few minutes before jamming everything into your dresser drawers. Everything was wrinkled, and I don't know if you even knew what was clean and what wasn't.

I tried to hide from you how put together I was as I carefully put all my things away, because, okay, I was a little homesick and I didn't want to lose that last little bit of something Mom had given me.

You just lay on your bed, flicking that cheap Bic lighter. Do you remember? I do. I remember that it was almost out of lighter fluid and instead of a nice flame; it mostly just gave smoke and the smell of fluid.

"What can do you?" you'd asked me, sort of flatly. I looked around the room and saw a pitcher with two drinking glasses. I touched it and iced it over. You sat up and looked from it to me. I shrank back, sort of scared that you were going to freak out or something.

But instead you laughed. You said it was perfectly fitting and ironic that they had put fire and ice together. And then you made a fireball land in the pitcher. Do you remember that, John? I do.

Because that was the moment I fell in love with you.

You didn't know it for a long time afterward, but that was the moment. The moment you knew that I loved you was that time that I was going around the room, picking up my clothes for the laundry and you just handed me an armload of your dirty things, not sorted or anything.

"You know," I'd snapped. You looked at me surprised. It was the first time I'd said anything like that to you. Before our conversations were just talking about sports and what we had done before the mansion. And you know, I didn't realize it then, but it was mostly you asking questions about me. Even then you didn't like to talk about your family.
"I don't really think I'm your maid or your mother. We may live together, but I will NOT do your laundry."

"Why not?" you'd smirked. And then in a joking tone, you added; "You love me, don't you?"

I'd froze. (Ha, that's pretty funny. Iceman... Freezing. Yeah, that's funny.) You looked at me with wide eyes. I'd dropped our clothes and ran away and hid in the backyard the rest of the day. I didn't even go inside for dinner.

It was just starting to get dark and cold when I heard footsteps behind me. I'd pulled my knees up to my chest and hugged them there. I'd pulled my arms inside my long sleeves, but I was still shivering.

"Bobby?" you'd asked, sort of tentatively. I felt your hand on my shoulder, but I flinched away. You were quiet for a second and then I heard you give a frustrated sort of sound.
"Stop being such a fucking pussy and talk to me. Be a man, dude."

I turned to look at you then. Without a word, you knelt down beside me. We sat there, quietly for a moment, with only the sounds of owls and some kind of insect that I couldn't identify. I couldn't then and I can't now.

You were hesitating and trembling when you put your head on my shoulder then. Maybe you were nervous, or maybe you were just cold. You buried your face in my neck, and you sure felt hot. I lifted my arm and put it around you.

One of your arms went around me, and instantly I felt warmer. Maybe it was like something from one of those romance novels, or maybe it was just because you're naturally hot.

"I never had a real family." You whispered softly that night. And I turned my head and tilted your face up and kissed you. You kissed back, cautiously like you were scared.

We made love two nights later. We both knew this was not something to be talked about in front of anyone else, and we didn't. We kept it quiet, to ourselves. Concealed in looks across the schoolroom. When the door to our room was locked and we were supposed to be asleep. That was when you proved to me that you really loved me.

You'd done it before. I hadn't. We started off kissing and snuggling like we did every night until you fell asleep and I went back to my own bed. But that night I just couldn't seem to get you to settle down.

"Bobby, you're not tired are you?" you asked me micheiviously. I'd blinked and shook my head.

"No. Why? Is there something you want to talk about?"

"Talking is the last thing I want to do." Your voice had gone low and given me chills. You were kissing me again, licking at my earlobes, your hands those hot hot hands, were up my shirt, pinching my nipples.

Before I knew it, neither of us were wearing shirts. I was nervous and scared, but you comforted me. I remember the pain of when you penetrated me... But you held me until it went away, and then you made me fly.

Whatever happened to us, John? I know you want to blame Rogue, but there was something wrong with you before she came. And we both agreed it would be good if I dated her, because people were starting to whisper.

You wanted a family. I wanted you.

I was your family.

And you left me.

But I still miss you, John. I still love you. I'll always love you.