FicWad

This very smutty fic was originally posted starting back in mid-2014 at another site, and since published at several others. Having recently discovered this site, I reckoned I'd post it here (and some of my other fics too). Since I first published Hermione's Furry Little Problem, it has become somewhat notorious on the internet, is listed on several online magazines, and is the subject of a hilarious and mercilessly mocking "dramatic reading" on Youtube.

I should like to preface this by pointing out that this is a bit of a SATIRE of many Fanon and Canon Tropes. Having said that, this is also a Drama with a lot of emphasis on relationships, and a bit of a political/spy vs spy type Thriller as well, so there are some semi-serious elements too.

There are mentions of triggering events such as sexual assault and rape, but it is largely "off-screen." This fic deals more with coping in the aftermath. If you're looking for non-con, there are plenty of other fics which feature it in great detail.

Likewise, though this story does feature teens in sexual relationships, it does not feature minors having sex with adults (Tonks doesn't really count as an adult... ;) ). So again, if you're looking for that, there are other fics. This is intended to be enjoyed from the point of view of reliving one's teen years, first-times and fantasies, with a cartoony, hentai-ish vibe.

This fic is also LGBTQ positive (fem leaning) and features some fem-slash, hetero, and bi "activities."

Finally, it may seem at first that this is a Ron bashing fic, but it really isn't (and it's not a Ginny bashing fic either). Rather, it depicts the relationships between Ron and Harry and Hermione with its ups and downs (and admittedly, it starts of in a "downturn").

And with no further ado, on with the story...

Hermione's Furry Little Problem
Part 1
Chapter 1

Harry was rather disgusted by the time he and Ron had returned to the girl’s bathroom. They had wasted vile tasting polyjuice potion on a useless pursuit while Hermione was clearly in some sort of distress. Ron didn’t seem too perturbed though. He was picking his nose and all he could think about was Slytherin’s Heir, and what sort of Christmas Goodies to eat when they got back to the Gryffindor common room.

“Hermione, what’s wrong?” Harry called through the toilet stall door.

“Oooooh!” giggled Moaning Myrtle, “It’s simply awful...”

“Go away Harry,” shouted a tearful Hermione, “I... I don’t want you to see me like this.”

“You’ve got to come out some time,” said Ron, sniffing.

Hermione relented and slowly opened the stall door. Harry’s jaw dropped. Hermione’s face was covered in fur, she had pointy ears and a bushy tail. She had turned into a cat--or rather, part way into a ginger tabby cat, and tears were dripping from Hermione’s whiskers.

Ron started guffawing loudly and Harry punched him in the arm hard, shooting him a dirty look. Ron shut up and looked miffed.

“It’s alright,” said Harry comfortingly, “I’ve got my invisibility cloak. I’ll take you up to Madam Pomfrey’s. She’ll sort you out in no time.” Harry looked at Ron with beckoning eyebrows. But Ron was slightly annoyed now, because he didn’t see what was wrong with having a laugh. Hermione would get over it. And he was hungry anyway. And he wanted to play with his new wizard chess set.

So Ron just shrugged and gave Harry a grin.

“Go on Harry, I’ll see you in the common room when you get back. We’ll play with my new wizard chess set.”

Harry just stared at his best friend, not sure if he was hearing right. Their other best friend was now half-cat half-girl, and all the stupid lump could think about was his bloody Christmas presents? Harry hadn’t paid much attention to Ron’s lack of sensitivity before. He had been disturbed when Ron had called Hermione a “Nightmare” their first year, but as they had all become friends after the Troll incident he had long forgotten it until now.

Harry frowned slightly.

“Right then, bye Ron,” he said while throwing his invisibility cloak over Hermione, “Come on Hermione, Lets go to the hospital wing.”

Ron watched the pair leaving with an odd feeling that something had just happened between them all.

~o0o~

“I’m not leaving Hermione,” Harry told Madam Pomfrey firmly. “It’s Christmas Holidays still--will be for a week--and there’s no reason I can’t sleep in a cot next to hers at night. She’s my BEST Friend” Harry said emphatically, forgetting about Ron briefly. “Please say it’s alright! I’m not going, but I’d rather not get into trouble if you can help it.”

Madam Pomfrey could see the hurt and determination in Harry’s eyes and relented.

“Alright Mr Potter,” she sighed, “Go and get what you need from your dormitory. You can stay until the end of the Christmas holidays, or until Miss Granger is better, whichever comes first.”

Harry beamed.

“Thank you Madam Pomfrey. I’ll go and get my things right now.” Harry startled Hermione when he turned around and gave her a big hug. “I’ll be right back Hermione. Don’t worry. I know it’ll all work out.”

Hermione’s tail twitched happily. Her whiskers were still dripping tears, but feeling Harry against her made her feel as nice as his words had. She had a sudden urge to kiss Harry, but instead she blushed under her fur and turned her face away.

~o0o~

“Whaddya mean you’re staying in the hospital wing with Hermione?” Ron asked sullenly.

Harry just stared at Ron in amazement again. What didn’t Ron understand? Was Harry mumbling? Harry thought he had been clear, but given Ron’s gormless expression, perhaps he should have used simpler language. He’d try again.

“Hermione needs someone to be with her right now. She doesn’t have anyone else but us,” Harry said slowly, enunciating every word properly.

For some reason, that rankled Ron. That “us” didn’t seem to have quite the same pull as it had before today. But Harry was his best friend. Ron was sure he would forget about Hermione after the holidays and they could get back to wizard chess and playing quidditch and pulling pranks in their off-hours. So Ron just sighed.

“Yeah, guess you’re right mate. Well, I’d join you two, but Madam Pomfrey probably has matching pillows for you both already. Wouldn’t want to put her out,” he joked.

Harry was really feeling weirded out. Ron wasn’t behaving any differently than usual, but all of a sudden Harry realised how inappropriate and ill-tuned Ron’s “humour” was. It sounded more like a dig at him now. Had Ron always sounded this way? Mildly belligerent? Maybe to other people. But this was the first time Harry had felt it directed at him, and he didn’t like it. Harry suddenly felt ashamed of himself for not sticking up for Hermione more when Ron was antagonising her.

Ron realised he had said something wrong from the expression on Harry’s face. But he couldn’t for the life of him figure out what it was. He would have to apologise and bluster his way through this.

“Oh... er... sorry Harry. I just meant, ‘look after Hermione’ you know.”

Harry just looked at Ron funny for a moment longer then he smiled.

“Right. Of course you did Ron,” Harry said, trying to put on a cheery voice. “Well, I’ve got my trunk packed. I’m off till next week. I’ll drop by the common room to say hello, maybe a game of chess... Butterbeer...”

“Yeah,” Ron said, returning a stiff smile, “Sounds alright. I’ll stop by the hospital wing and say hi too."

But Ron never did come by the infirmary, and every time Harry had gone to the Gryffindor common room Ron would mysteriously vanish.

~o0o~

Despite the lack of success finding a solution to Hermione’s furry little problem, she couldn’t be happier when Harry spent the rest of the Christmas Holidays in the Hospital Wing with her. She’d never had many friends, and certainly never ever had another friend as close as Harry, someone who would put himself out like this to keep her company. It felt really good to be around him.

Hermione cried when the new term began and Harry had to move back into Gryffindor tower. But that night, she got a shock when Harry appeared from under his invisibility cloak. He shushed her and climbed onto her bed, not paying any attention to the fact that all she was wearing was her fur, as she hadn’t been fussed about it when he had been staying in the infirmary with her the previous week. It covered her as well as any clothing.

“Wake me early.” Harry whispered. He covered himself back up with the invisibility cloak and put his arm around Hermione. They fell asleep snuggled together right under the ever watchful eye of Madam Pomfrey.

“Pssst... Harry, wake up, it’s 5:30 am” Hermione whispered. Harry could feel her lips brush against his ear. It felt nice being so close to her. He didn’t want to get up, but he couldn’t risk being caught.

Harry never made it through the common room where Fred and George were waiting for him and snickering.

“It’s alright Harry...” said Fred.

“...we know about you...” said George.

“...and Hermione....”

“...and we approve...”

“...wholeheartedly,” concluded Fred, slapping Harry on the back.

“Good show Harry.” George said.

“You’re obviously a fast learner... Ron probably won’t even figure out what a girl is until fourth year,” continued Fred.

“And he probably won’t even have a snog until sixth year,” said George with a restrained guffaw.

Harry’s face was bright red and his cheeks felt like they were burning. This was bloody embarrassing. But still, it felt good to have some Weasleys around who still seemed to like him. Harry grinned at Fred and George.

“Look, Hermione’s just a friend...” began Harry.

“...whose bed you sleep in?” finished Fred.

“How did you know that?” gasped Harry in shock.

George laughed.

“I didn’t, but I do now,” retorted Fred as he chuckled.

Harry groaned. If Fred and George were going to be his new Best Weasley Friends, Harry was going to have to stay on his toes. He stuck his tongue out at them and grinned.

“Yeah, well we haven’t er... snogged or anything, but... but yeah, I guess I do really like Hermione a lot. It’s just she... she’s my first real friend. I thought it was Ron, but lately... I dunno about him. I just know... I just... I’ve never felt like this about a girl before.”

“We tried to warn you about Ron,” Fred said with a wink.

“But never mind that,” said George, trying to be serious for a moment, “Just treat Hermione nicely and she’ll be nice back. That’s all you really need to know to have a girlfriend Harry.”

“But if you need snogging instructions we’ve got a booklet we can sell you,” Fred interjected.

Harry turned beet red again, and fled to his dormitory.

Harry was taking copious notes in his classes to take to Hermione when they ended. Ron just glowered, wondering how he was going to pass without Hermione to do his work for him.

While they were hard at work studying, Harry absentmindedly started scratching Hermione behind one of her cat ears. It was something he had become accustomed to with Mrs Figg’s cats. Hermione began purring loudly and butting her head and under her chin harder against Harry’s knuckles like the cats did when they were being particularly affectionate. Harry suddenly realised what was happening when Hermione began to arch and rub herself against him.

He was starting to feel a bit giddy and Hermione seemed so happy that he didn’t want to stop her. But he heard footsteps in the hallway and he leapt up. Hermione gasped and quickly recovered as Madam Pomfrey returned with a healer from St Mungo’s.

They made to shoo Harry away, but Hermione was having none of it and she grabbed his arm.

“Please let Harry stay. He can hear whatever you have to tell me. He’s my boyfriend.”

The St Mungo’s Healer’s glasses fell off her nose and shattered on the floor.