FicWad

Joe woke up in a cold sweat. He opened his eyes and realized he was on the floor; he must have rolled off the bed during the night. He rolled over on his side, his head felt like it weighed twenty pounds.

He pulled himself up using the bed for support, and noticed a figure lying in his bed. It must have been some girl he picked up. He saw a lock of long auburn hair, and not much else. She had her back to him, and was wrapped like a mummy in his sheets.

He then stood, and staggered into the bathroom. His head throbbed; then he noticed an open can of beer sitting on the vanity. Good, there was still some in it. Beer: The breakfast of champions. He didn't like warm flat beer, but it was easier to drink this than go to the refrigerator. He lit a cigarette and inhaled it deeply; he felt the smoke seep into his lungs. He tapped the ashes into the sink. He quickly finished it thinking it might help his head; it really didn't.

He looked at himself, his eyes were bloodshot, not a big surprise really, not by the way he felt. He wiped some lipstick off his face-it was a pretty shade of dark pink. At that moment he noticed a smudge of the same dark pink on his chest. He didn't bother with that bit; then he looked down, there was dark pink lipstick smeared on his cock and balls, on his stomach, too. He must have had some fun last night. He'd seen this shade somewhere before; he always thought it was a pretty shade of pink.

Joe started the shower, and wondered what the hell her name was. Girls get really pissed if you don't remember their names. He'd learned that the hard way. He stood motionless in the stream of the hot water. He liked hot showers-the hotter the better, but this wasn't really picking him up any. He took the washcloth and soap and began washing his aching body.

Fuck, he still couldn't remember her! He remembered talking to this little cute blonde, but this one wasn't a blonde. He really didn't remember much about last night. They had a really good show, then the party afterwards, he remembered drinking, and a speedball or two-then waking up on the floor.

He heard the bathroom door open. 'Maybe if I peek out, and see her, I can remember her name', Joe thought; he pulled back the shower door, just enough to look out. There stood Steven naked as the day he was born; he looked at himself in the mirror, and ran his hand through his hair. Then he stood in front of the toilet.

Joe pulled the door back a little more, "Steven!" He exclaimed. "What are you doing?"

"Pissin, baby." And he proceeded with his plan.

"No, I mean what are you doing in my room?"

He looked a bit shocked, "I stayed here last night."

Joe numbly closed the door, "You did what?" He remembered the lipstick and numbly remembered where he'd seen it: Steven had been wearing a shade like it last night. He wanted to heave his guts out when the realization struck him. Wait a fucking minute here! No. That was impossible! Steven? No way, no how! It had to be girl. Yeah, it had to be a girl. Maybe they shared her; they had done that before. The blonde girl had to have been wearing lipstick, where was she at?

"Joe baby, what's the matter?" Steven opened the door; he looked him up and down, and then got in the shower too.

"What are you doing? Get out!" He rinsed the shampoo out of his hair. Steven ignored him, he was too busy staring at him: He was almost slobbering at the mere sight of Joe raw, naked, wet; the lather running down his back...

"Where is she?" Joe looked at him.

"Who?" Steven frowned; his tone snapped him back to the real world.

"The blonde girl. Where's she at?"

"Blonde girl? What blonde girl? There's no blonde girl."

Maybe she wasn't a blonde. "There's no girl out there?"

"Nobody, just you and me."

Joe had the urge to throw up again. "You and me, we didn't do what I think we did!?" He looked at him again.

"What do you think we did?" He walked underneath the shower; as he brushed up against Joe's body, he felt his own nipples harden.

"Oh God." He ran his hand through his wet hair. "I'm hoping that we got stoned and passed out."

"We did that too." Steven took his long fingers and wiped his face, invigorated by the hot water beating on his body.

Joe thought about all those times Elyssa confronted him about Steven. He denied them ever being more than friends; evidently she saw something here. Something he'd never noticed. Joe looked at him, and then realized he was standing in a hotel shower staring at a naked man. His eyes went up watching the steam float away; he wished he could just float away like the steam-just float out of this mess.

"God, you are freaked out about me being in here, aren't you?" He asked in sheer astonishment.

"Wouldn't you get pissed if I came in during your shower?" He shouted.

"No. Why would I?" He frowned; what was wrong? Joe never acted like this before. He had always been loving and tender after they had been together.

"What happened last night?"

"The show was great!" He exclaimed. The night was magic. There was this fabulous electricity between them and the crowd; they were all in perfect form. He couldn't help staring at Joe: He was like a leather-clad panther, wild, sleek and sexy. He was dripping with sweat, his long hair flowing back, as he forced his guitar into submission. Steven wished he could trade places with that guitar; to have those lighting fast fingers work their magic on him, to make him wail like the notes he forced from the strings. Right there and then he decided that Joe was gonna be part of his night.

"Man I remember the show, and we went to the party, then, well things get hazy after that." Joe didn't want to know, but he had to put his mind to rest. "Tell me what we did last night."

Steven took the washcloth from Joe's hand and began to rub down his own arm. He wanted to rub down something else. "We were at the after show party, and we did some lines, and we picked up these two sisters. We went bar hopping, and they wanted to fuck," He conveniently forgot to mention that he had suggested to the girls that it would be for the best if they would leave. He told them that Joe had fallen into 'one of his dark moods', just so he could have him all to himself. "But we still wanted to party; so we were on our own. We did a couple of speedballs, and ended up back here. We had a few beers, and ended up talking. Then you leaned over and kissed me-"

Joe's stomach tightened. Fuck! He had started it.

"We got into it, and we ended up pulling a 69." Steven smiled; he remembered Joe's nose rubbing and tickling his balls.

"Oh Christ!" Joe exclaimed. He'd never been that wasted to fuck a man. He had to be lying. "I think I'd remember this. There's no way I would ever do this. I wouldn't like it."

He thought that Joe was joking. "You seemed to be enjoying it last night." Steven took the soap, squeezed it so tightly that it shot out of his hand, and bounced on the floor of the shower, "Oops! Silly me! Want me to bend over and pick that up?" he asked coyly.

He knew what he meant, but Joe stared at him in disbelief. "Huh?"

"I know what you like." Steven rubbed his hand over the guitarist sudsy chest making his nipples harden. He purred, "I know how to make my Joe-Joe happy."

'Joe-Joe'? Joe remembered the night he and Elyssa got wasted, and he made her call him that. She is the only one that calls him 'Joe-Joe', and that was only when they were in bed together. How the hell did he find out about his pet name? Unless...he made Steven say it. Oh Christ! Joe exploded in rage. "Steven! Goddamn it! Get away from me!" He pushed that long hand away. "I could never look at you again, if we, if-" Joe's voice drifted off. He couldn't make himself utter those words: 'If we were lovers'

"Oh." Steven said softly; he had to turn away. He thought he had figured their relationship out, but suddenly realized how Joe truly felt: He realized that Joe was sickened at the mere thought of being with him. He made Joe sick. That's not what he wanted. That's not how he felt. He had always loved Joe.

He saw the true Joe Perry, the one that nobody ever saw. He saw the man that hid behind a persona of cool silence and a searing guitar; the vulnerable man, the man that tried desperately to hide behind a wall of drugs, booze, hair, scowling and leather, the man that desperately wanted to love and be loved.

This wasn't some little groupie that was willing to do anything to get laid by Steven Tyler, front man of Aerosmith. A few times, he wanted to tell them to 'Go get a copy of Hit Parader, and fuck that; you'll get the same results.' That's all any of them were after.

When he was alone with Joe, he felt like he could be himself. He didn't have to hide under his own rock star persona; he didn't have anything to live up to. Joe was real; he made him feel alive. Joe cared about how he felt; and he, in turn cared about his needs, at least he thought they had an understanding. Now the truth hit him right between the eyes: Joe didn't feel the same way.

Joe could tell that Steven was hurt by his horror, anger and denial. "Hey, I'm sorry, but I'm not gay. I didn't think you were either."

"I'm not gay!" Steven frowned; he threw down the washcloth and looked at him. "You know there are more than just two types of love! There's more than just straight or gay!"

"Yeah, it's called bisexual." He retorted.

"I'm not bi!" Steven angrily shot back. "Christ Joe, why does everything have to be pigeonholed into categories? Straight, gay, bi! Fuck! I'm a human being, and you're a human being-isn't that all that matters?"

The sound of the water coming out of the showerhead, hitting the enclosure, and running down the drain was deafening. Steven's eyes demanded an answer. Joe really didn't have one; he kept looking at those brown eyes, trying to think of one. He didn't find an answer there. Joe kept looking at his friend; he was embarrassed that he was attracted to him. Steven standing there, the way his wet hair framed his face, the face of an angel, but the heart of an untamable demon.

Then Joe had a vision seep into his mind's eye; it wasn't the first time. He had always chalked it up to a bad trip or a crazy dream or maybe an erotic wish...They were walking in a dense forest. Steven put his arm around his waist and pulled him closer-and locked that mouth onto his. He stripped Steven's clothes off, then he took his arms and pulled them around a tree, tying his wrist with his scarf. He went around the tree, looking at Steven, in his bondage. He began kissing him, caressing him. He blew Steven. He always liked this vision, but he'd always felt guilty about it...

They had a lot of fights, and didn't see eye to eye on a lot of things, but they had a lot in common, too. They were both trapped in loveless marriages. They had to fuck around just to feel wanted or needed by a woman; they had each other... "Joe, look, I mean, I know that you're straight, but what if we just kiss, and see what happens."

Joe was silent: his brain wanted to say NO, but his heart said YES. Steven pulled him close and under the hot pulsating water, "See if we feel anything for each other. Then we'll know." Joe felt Steven's warm lips on his; he kissed him. He felt Steven's tongue push its way into his mouth.

Joe was surprised; he was still in astonishment, realizing that the figure in his bed wasn't some girl he'd laid. It was his friend. It was Steven. He was even more surprised when he found himself liking this moment. He wrapped his arms around Steven's thin body, pulling him closer. He could feel his passion beginning to stir up. Steven's teeth took a hold of Joe's lower lip and playfully bit it, then he returned to his kiss.

The shower was getting unbelievably hot and steamy-neither were sure if it was the water or their emotions. Joe locked his mouth onto Steven's; forcing his tongue into his mouth. They were kissing feverously; trying to explore every minute detail of each other's mouths. Steven broke away, gasping for breath. They looked into each other's eyes. Joe was in love. He was in a deeper love than he'd been in with Elyssa.

Steven grabbed Joe's shoulders and pushed him back to the wall of shower stall. His hands explored Joe's chest. Joe's mouth then moved to Steven's neck, he nuzzled into it. Joe heard him moan with delight. He wanted to stay here forever.

The hot water rained down on both of them; Joe could feel himself getting stiff, he could feel Steven was getting that way, too. His hands ran through Steven's hair, they went down his back, and to his ass. He gave him a hard squeeze. "Oh God Joe, I want you." He cried out; his voiced echoed through the bathroom, almost as loud as if they were onstage. It struck Joe-he had heard this cry before, and not just onstage. Steven's lips found Joe's nipple; he sucked on it hard. Joe leaned his head back as he panted.

Steven slowly made his way down, kissing and caressing his body; his fingers danced over his wet skin. He finally was kneeling squarely in front of Joe's long, hard cock. He took his tongue and licked Joe's balls-he teasingly him. Then he gave a bite, he heard Joe let out a half gasp half cry; he braced himself against the wall. Steven looked up at him; his chest was heaving, his muscular arms pushing against the wall, his legs braced, he was so incredibly gorgeous. He decided that he was too much to lose: he was going to win Joe back. He had to.

His tongue darted around his helmet and shaft; then he took his fingers and gave him a tug. Joe was glistening. He took his tongue and wrapped it around Joe's stiff cock; he licked and sucked on him. He let out little outburst of groans; Steven's tongue was pure pleasure.

He heard Joe breathing harder. He rubbed Joe with his long thin fingers, getting him as hard as possible, then he put him completely in his mouth. He sucked on Joe hard.

Joe held Steven's head, pulling him toward his body; he was ready. Joe felt a white-hot passion explode out of every fiber of his body. He cried out, in pain and pleasure as he burst forward into Steven's mouth. Steven felt Joe's body sway forward; his cock went deeper down his throat. He just let himself swallow Joe's cream; he was throbbing-he was in the throws of ecstasy. He was making little cries, grunting sounds, moaning and swearing to God. It seemed to go too quickly. Steven sucked him dry.

He felt Joe release his head, and he heard him sigh. Steven let go of Joe and looked up at him again. He was still braced against the wall, still gorgeous.

"Oh my God," Joe gasped. He had never felt this way about anyone; nobody had ever touched his soul like this. He knelt down beside his lover, he continued kissing him, he massaged Steven's inner thigh. He ran his hand up his body, then back down, he wondered about the vision. Was it real? He didn't know for certain; perhaps it was just an erotic longing that was about to come true. If he couldn't remember the past, then make new memories, right?

He pushed Steven back, so he was sitting on the floor of the stall, and leaning against the enclosure. Joe held Steven's face in his hands, staring at him, trying to burn this sight into his mind forever. He didn't want to forget this or wonder if it was a dream. He wanted to remember the beautiful face he held in his hands; he wanted to keep this feeling of unconditional love in his heart forever...

"Is everything alright?" Steven asked. He didn't understand why he was staring at him.

"Yeah, everything's fine, babe." Joe kissed him, then his mouth moved to his ear, he nibbled on it; he heard Steven give out a satisfied low moan. He ran his hands over Joe's chest, then wrapped his arms around him, pulling him closer.

"Joe," Steven softly whispered in his ear, "Joe I love you so much. Do you love me?"

"Yeah." He said between his suckling on Steven's ear and neck. Joe's fingers moved over him; he rested his hand on Steven's hip. He moved his mouth to Steven's nipple; he sucked, licked and gently bit it. He knew Steven liked it, he heard him cry out, and heard him trying to catch his breath. He fondled his sack, he could feel Steven tighten up. Time to make his move...

Joe's hand suddenly moved and seized Steven's swollen cock. He gasped partly in shock, and partly in pleasure. He kept his eyes locked onto Steven's, he saw the pleasure building in his eyes; he loved the expression on Steven's face. He then began to stroke him harder: It didn't take too much effort to get him rock hard, he felt Steven's nails dig into his arms as he howled.

It excited him to hear his wails and moans, but he wanted to hear Steven in ecstasy. His head was now sandwiched between those thin legs; Steven's hands caressed Joe's shoulders. The shower beat down on Joe's back like a gentle massage. He licked Steven's sack, then he put it in his mouth, his pubes tickled his face, he heard Steven sigh with delight. Then Joe put Steven's cock in his mouth, he mischievously sucked on him. Steven ran his hands over Joe's back, and through his wet hair. Joe felt Steven kiss the back of his head, he felt Steven's breath on his scalp.

Joe's tongue rubbed against Steven's hard cock, he sucked him again. He loved this. He tasted the sweet love that was about to come his way. Steven groaned; Joe could feel his muscles tighten; he was like a coiled spring. He knew that Steven was about to cum; he gave hard suck, then he felt Steven arch forward into him.

"Oh Joe-Joe!" Steven cried, then Joe felt the rush of cum flood his mouth. He was elated in hearing Steven's shrieks. He wrapped his hands around Steven's hips, he felt him lurching forward with his orgasm; he felt Steven going deeper and deeper into his throat. He almost gagged, but quickly recovered. He swallowed Steven's love, it wasn't as horrible as he imagined. Fuck! He loved it!

Then it was over. Joe let go of Steven, and wiped his hand over his mouth. He looked at residue on his hand, he should have been happy, but he was terrified at the demon he unleashed within his own heart.

Steven thought that he had ultimately won: Joe just blew him; he had done an expert job at it too. 'He must love me, or he wouldn't have done this. Nothing's changed. We're still together...'

Joe looked up in time to see the expression on Steven's face. He was relaxed, pleased at the events that just occurred. He smiled at him, pulling Joe's head closer to his. He was leaning forward about to kiss him, when Joe spoke. "Steven, I love you, but we can't ever do this again." It was hard for him to say, but he knew that this could never be.

"I don't understand." He frowned.

Joe tried to explain, "It's wrong. Men aren't supposed to do this." He hoped that he would understand. "I'm married, and you're married. This can't ever happen again."

Steven was angry, hurt and bitter; he was nearly in tears. "You fucking bastard!" He quickly got out of the shower; he found his jeans and pulled them over his wet body.

Joe was just like everybody else! He didn't care about his feelings at all. Every time they were together, he always told Joe that he loved him, but he never said it to him. He didn't want Joe to say it onstage, or call a press conference, just say it to him. He wished Joe had said 'Steven, I love you'; just once to him and meant it. Was that so fucking much to ask? Yeah, Joe just said that he loved him but he also gave him the brushed off. It didn't count; it was a sympathetic 'I love you'. Joe used him to get some head, and he was stupid enough to give it to him. He just used him for a good time.

He was tired of being used; he was getting sick of being the world's fucking doormat. Cyrinda used him: She said she was on the pill, then she got pregnant. He figured that she was out to get married, but he soon found out she married him just to get a step closer to Joe. He tried to deny it, but deep in his heart, he knew who she really loved. The record company used him, the manager, the band, the fans, everyone. He thought at least in the whole fucking world, he had Joe to lean on, but nope.

Steven wanted something stronger, but he went to the refrigerator and took a beer. He opened it and inhaled half of it. Joe dressed quickly, and followed him; he pulled his shirt over his shoulders but left it unbuttoned. He brushed beside him and took a beer as well. Joe scowled at him. "I mean come on! This was great, but-"

"But what?" He finished the beer and threw the can against the wall. "I thought we had something special! You just fucking used me! You used me last night, too! I've got fucking feeling too!"

"No, I didn't use you, I mean, God! We're adults here!"

"Then act like one! Tell me what you're feeling right now Joe!" He faced him. "Tell me now!"

"Steven, please." Joe had new feelings in his heart. For the first time in his life he felt an unconditional love. He was certain that Steven felt the same way. Elyssa didn't. Elyssa would use sex to manipulate him: As a treat for when she got her way-and if she didn't get her way, she would hold out, not giving him anything. She was a user; she used everyone for her own advantage. He didn't want to be used as a stepping-stone for her anymore. Elyssa was just a nightmare; he'd woken up to a beautiful experience. He didn't want sex anymore; he wanted love. He was tired of meaningless sex with nameless girls; he never thought he'd ever feel that way. He wanted to have a true loving relationship, but he knew that this could NEVER happen with Steven. Steven was like a bumblebee: he had to hit every flower in the garden. Joe knew that he could love someone; he just had to find her. Steven would never understand. "Look, I'm glad that it happened, but I can't let anyone know."

"That's real important to you, isn't it? To keep this barricade up; not to let anyone see the real you." Steven grasped his shoulders, "Why won't you let anyone in? Why are you so afraid?"

"Why did it take you so long to show me what you thought about me?"

"Christ!" Steven threw his hands up in the air. "Good thing you're handsome, cause your memory isn't worth a fuck!"

He remembered his vision. "You mean we've been together before?"

"Yeah, a few times. You like to go 'in through the out door'." Steven frowned at the stunned look on Joe's face. "If it's any consequence, you're usually pretty well out of it." Fuck! He couldn't believe that Joe didn't remember ANY of the times they were together. Steven knew that he'd been outta it, but he didn't think he was that fucked up.

Joe sat down on the bed, and held his head in his hands: What was going on? He did what? What had he just done last night? This morning? He and Steven had sex. Twice in less than twenty-four hours, too, and evidently, they had a past that ran deeper than Joe had ever imagined. "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Have you had sex with any one else in the band?"

"I don't kiss and tell." Steven turned, went into the bathroom and got a towel, and began drying his hair. He stood in the doorway, watching him, still sitting on the bed. He sat down beside him, and began to dry Joe's hair with the towel.

He brushed him away. "I gotta headache."

"That's the oldest excuse in the book!"

"No, I really do."

He put the towel around Joe's shoulders. "You better dry it, or you'll catch a cold." Steven knew he sounded like his own mother. He got his own shirt and slipped it over his shoulders; he started to button it up, but gave up after the first three.

Joe took the towel and carefully tussled his hair until it was barely damp. They sat there in silence. Joe's headache was getting worse; the beer wasn't getting rid of it. He needed a hit. He retrieved his stash and cooked up a batch. He was adjusting the plunger, like he had done hundreds of times before. He looked at Steven. "Want some?"

He nodded, but remained silent. Joe shot up-the euphoria hit him. The aching left, he had a sense of wellness. He lied back on the bed and looked over at Steven. He was just pulling the needle out of his arm, and a slow smile went across his face. He crawled over the twisted covers and put his head on his shoulder. Joe didn't mind.

Steven could hear Joe's heart beating. He took his fingertip and slowly wrote his name over Joe's chest-if only he could really do that. If only he could brand his name onto Joe's heart and soul, and make his love last forever. But that was all a fantasy; he could hope and wish all he wanted, he couldn't change Joe's heart. He didn't care if everyone on the planet knew, so what? Why couldn't Joe feel that way too? Why God why? Why hand out this happiness and then take it away?

Joe broke his heart: Steven felt his tears run down his face and onto Joe's bare chest. He felt Joe's arm wrapped around his shoulder. Joe's other hand grasped his; he felt fingers rub on his. He stared at Joe's calloused fingers; his knuckles were beginning to enlarge from years of playing, yet they were still soft and gentle.

He knew that this was over-really over and he knew that he was on his own again. Steven Tyler VS. The World. He would be alone forever. Even onstage in front of thousands of fans, he was alone; he would never find anyone to replace his Joe-Joe.

They rested there for a few minutes. Joe knew that he was crying; he heard him sob, he felt his tears. "I never wanted to hurt you, Steven. You believe me, right?"

Steven wiped his eyes, raised his head and looked at him. He didn't want to lose what friendship they had left, so he decided to keep his opinion to himself. "Yeah, I believe you." He tried to force a smile, but he couldn't.

Joe looked at those sad brown eyes staring back at him, how could he have done this? How could he hurt him? Suddenly he really didn't care about what anyone else thought; he worried about what Steven thought.

No, he really couldn't bring him home and tell his parents, 'I've never loved anybody more than Steven, so accept it', but what harm would it do just to have a little rendezvous here and there? They were both adults; nobody would get hurt. It wasn't any different than fucking the groupies behind their wives' backs. He just would have to make Steven understand that nobody could EVER find out. This had to be their little secret...He reached out, and ran his hand through Steven's still damp hair, his beautiful auburn hair. He marveled as the sunlight hit it, bringing out the red and gold highlights.

Steven felt himself tremble at Joe's touch. What was he doing? First yes, then no, now what? He didn't know where he stood. Was it over? He wasn't so sure. He decided to see what Joe had in mind, then play it by ear. He felt Joe's hand move to his back, and stay there. He slipped his arms around Joe's body, and leaned closer to him. Joe's head went up to meet Steven's. They shared a final loving kiss.

"Hey Joe are you up-" Tom walked in; he froze at the sight of Joe and Steven in each other's arms. "Oh fuck!"

They had been caught. Joe quickly sat up, almost pushing him off the bed. Steven ran his hands through his hair, "Tom!" He exclaimed as he got off the bed. "Ever hear of knocking?"

"I was," Tom was still stunned by the sight of his friends intertwined. "I was just seein' where you was at. I was gonna ask you if you knew where he was at. Um, that's all." His thoughts stumbled over his own words. He looked between them.

Joe now stood beside Steven, "Tom, it's not what you think!" he exclaimed.

"Then what is it?" Tom shot back. "I come in, and see you two on the bed, kissing each other! What the fuck am I suppose to think?"

Steven walked slowly to Tom; he remembered the fun they used to have. Tom, the awkward boy, that he helped make a musician, helped make a man. He ran his hand up his chest and let it rest on his shoulder. "Tommy, why don't you join us? Nothing like a ménage a trois in the morning." He took his hand and brought Tom's head down far enough that he could reach his lips easier. Tom didn't resist Steven.

Joe was now stunned. He watched Tom and Steven share a little kiss, it wasn't anything like they had just been doing, but it was a kiss nonetheless: A kiss that showed that they had some past encounter between them. Tom and Steven. It sorta made sense: Tom liked brunettes; Steven liked blondes. They both had a twisted sense of humor.

Tom broke away, and walked out of the room, Joe followed him. He called out to Tom, but he just kept walking. Christ he had to explain things to him! If Elyssa ever found out about this, he'd be a dead man walking; things were bad between them, Joe certainly didn't want to give her any ammunition for a possible divorce.

He finally got him to stop in front of his own room. "Hey we gotta talk!" Joe pleaded with him, "I can explain it." He hoped he could anyway.

"There's nothing for you to explain. I know what I saw."

He followed him into his room. "Tom, listen. I didn't know there was something between you and Steven."

"It happened when we still were at 1325." Tom explained. "It started out just as a hug, a kiss, then we got more physical. It's been over for a while."

"Oh." Joe said. "Well, I mean, me and Steven, this was just a 'got high and it seemed like a good thing to do at the time'. There's nothing between us." He realized that their shower encounter happened when he was sober, or as sober as he would get. "If it's been over, then why are you so upset?"

Tom sat down on the edge of the bed. He looked up at Joe.

"Well?" He finally asked.

"It's just that," Tom shrugged, "I always wanted you instead of Steven." His voice was soft, like a boy admitting his first crush. "I always dreamed of just one kiss from you. I guess I was jealous when I saw you kissing Steven."

"Oh." Joe tried to conceal his astonishment. Tom liked brunettes. "Jesus Christ." He couldn't help but to say it out loud. He looked at Tom, "What about Terry?"

"What about her?" Tom shrugged again. "Everybody has fantasies."

Joe was trying to stay focused; it had been a strange day. This time yesterday, he was certain of who he was; who everybody was, and now, he wasn't so sure. "I'm flattered, but-" Joe was trying to find the right way to say it. "I can't have a long term relationship with you. With any man-"

"Who said anything about long term?" Tom stood, and slowly walked to him. "It's just a kiss, Joe. A kiss for my silence."

He frowned, he didn't mean to. "All I have to do is kiss you, and you won't tell anybody? Not even Elyssa?"

"Like I'd tell her anyway; but yeah, you get the idea. Steven won't tell anyone, he doesn't want to make you mad. You won't tell anyone-who's left? Me. You give me a kiss, and I'll forget what I saw in that room."

Joe had known Tom for a long time longer than he'd known Steven. He was still shaken by Tom's actions this morning. "Well, I suppose that's not asking too much." He gave a nod. "Yeah, OK."

Tom looked deeply into Joe's eyes. "You know, I've always wanted to do this. I think you have, too." And with that, Tom's lips were firmly planted on Joe's. His lips were much smaller than Steven's but just as passionate.

Joe felt his hand running through that beautiful flaxen hair. Tom held Joe's face in both hands, keeping him right where he wanted him. Tom leaned into him, then he ran his hand over Joe's sleek body, he in turn, took his other hand and slipped it under Tom's shirt. He was running his fingers through Tom's hairy chest. Joe felt his cock getting harder; he wanted to pull it out, to free it from its denim prison.

He loved the way Tom kissed. He wasn't as forceful as Steven had been: He bit hard; he didn't like that. Their tongues wrestled. Joe broke away, just because he needed to catch his breath. He wanted more; he wanted to explore every inch of Tom, he wanted Tom to do the same to him. Joe went forward for the next round.

"Thanks." Tom gave a warm smile. "It's just like I imagined it would be; even better."

"But-I want-" Joe took a calming breath. "Can't we go a little farther?"

"No, I can't, you're right. You're a little out of it right now. I could never take advantage of you." He gently kissed him on his cheek. "I'll see you later." He went to the door and opened it.

Joe stood there for a second; he now knew how Steven had felt. He had been pushed away by someone he loved; someone he wanted so badly to love him, the same way he had pushed Steven away. He reluctantly walked out.
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Steven first reaction was to follow them out, but he didn't. Things were bad enough without him saying something to piss Joe off even more than he was. He thought for certain that he had locked the door before they had started drinking.

He reached down and picked up Joe's black tee shirt, the shirt he ripped off him last night. He sat on the bed, he watched his fingers run over the seams, they began to blur as he cried. For a moment, he thought he'd won Joe back, then Tom came in and he DID see the bitter truth. The look of complete shock in Joe face, the way he DENIED it: 'Tom, it's not what you think', the way he followed Tom out. He buried his face in the shirt, Joe's exhilarating scent was still there.

He angrily threw the tear-stained shirt in the corner, then just as quickly, he retrieved it. He knew it was stupid, but he wanted a souvenir to keep, something to remember the happier part of this entire affair. He imagined that later on, on some darker day in his life, he could pull it out of its little hiding place and remember the great memories attached to it. He smelled it again; he hoped that Joe's scent would stay on it for a long time. He carefully rolled it up and hid it in the oversized pocket of the coat.

He wanted to numb out his pain, he had a couple of beers. Good start. Then he grabbed a joint, lit it and inhaled it deeply into his lungs. Maybe he could try to win Joe over...Nah, that was impossible. He thought harder about his troubles; Joe was wonderful, but he knew it was over. Maybe he should try to move on, but how?

Steven thought as he took another hit: If only he could find a girl that understood him, a girl that he could lean on, a girl that loved him, not the front man. It sure wasn't Cyrinda, he knew that much. Little bitch. Why did he EVER marry her? Oh yeah, he got her pregnant with Mia. His darling baby Mia, she was the only good thing that came outta that union. If only he could find a woman; a woman like Joe Perry.

He walked into the bathroom, and looked at the shower. He sighed at the memory-he and Joe, passionately embracing. The love. The pain. Maybe someday he'd get over it. He decided to be happy with this last loving memory-the morning when he and Joe were alone in a shower.

He put on a front for everyone else, why not add Joe to the list? What's one more person to have in the audience at 'The Ultimate Show of Steven Tyler's Life'? He pulled himself together; he was on his own.
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Joe slowly walked back to his room; he stood still a few times, lost in deep thought. What if he was gay? OK, he could see falling for Steven, but Tom too? Jesus! This wasn't like his encounter with Steven, but Tom had aroused him. He had a mental picture of getting Tom in bed, doing to him what he had done with Steven. Tom wasn't the real problem here. Tom was just puppy love; Steven ran deeper. He was desperately in love with Steven; he'd never been with such a caring person in his life, but Steven was a man. He could never let anyone know he was in love, or had sex with a man! What the hell would people say?

He had a very important decision to make here. He could walk in, throw Steven on the floor and fuck his brains out, or go in call him a queer, and threaten to kill him if he ever dare mention this incident or proposition him again.

As he opened the door, Joe smelled aroma of the joint. He found Steven in the bathroom messing around with his hair. He still didn't know what to say to him.

"So where'd you go?" Steven hardly looked up.

"Talked to Tom." Joe took the lit joint off the vanity, and took a hit. He felt himself begin to relax.

"Oh. About what?"

"What? What do you think? He said he wouldn't say anything." Joe leaned on the door jam, looking at Steven. He should have been born a girl. He was so incredibly fine featured: small thin frame, slender nose, beautiful full mouth, and those gorgeous brown eyes, although they were glassy right now. He took another hit, and handed it back. This was it. "We gotta talk."

Steven took a hit and looked at him, "OK. Talk."

Joe shuffled his feet, "Um, I really liked being with you," he began; Steven just kept looking at him. "And I do have some very deep feelings, but I can't do this. I can't be the person you want me to be."

"I know." Steven walked past him, back into the bedroom.

"I mean, I don't want to hurt you anymore; I don't want you to think that we have a romantic future. With you it's all or nothing, and I can't physically love a man for the rest of my life."

"Why not?" He turned around and faced him. "I love you, don't you love me, Joe?"

"I do. I love you." Joe was surprised at how easily it came out. He wanted to throw him on the bed and prove to him how much he loved him. "I love you so much, Steven. I never felt this way about anyone, ever."

Steven felt the tears run down his face, "You mean it? You really love me?" He heard the dismay in his own voice.

"Yeah, I do." Joe got lost in Steven's eyes, but he knew he had to stand his ground; he had made his decision. "But you know we can't just think of ourselves."

"But-"

"Think about poor little Liv-"

"That's a cheap fucking shot!" Steven yelled. Liv was a subject he didn't like talking about. It tore him apart every time he thought of her.

"I don't mean anything by it. You know someday she'll know the truth: Do you want her to know the complete truth about her dad? And Mia-what about Mia?"

"Like they understand, anyway." Steven frowned.

"No, I know they don't now, but someday they'll be in school. Do you want Mia to get teased about her insane mom and gay dad?"

"No. I guess not." Steven muttered.

"I want kids someday, I don't want to hurt them. I gotta think about my sister, and my parents, fuck they barely can handle me being in a band, let alone me openly fucking a man."

Steven took a deep breath, "Joe, look, I'm not happy with your decision, but I respect it."

Joe blinked back his tears. "I'm sorry I hurt you. Really, I didn't mean to. I'm so sorry."

Steven saw that Joe was just as torn up about this as he was. "I'm sorry too."

Joe frowned, "I kinda remember some things between us, but I always thought they were just dreams."

"Oh?" Steven wiped his tears away with his fingers.

"Yeah." He had to know the truth, "Were we ever fucking under a Christmas tree?"

"Oh yeah." Steven said in a low sexy tone, "The first time I ever unwrapped your package."

"Were we ever in a barn, like rolling around in the hay?"

Steven nodded. "Yeah, we had a lotta fun in that hayloft."

"Did we really get drunk and ended up on a Ferris wheel? Did we really make out on top?"

Steven nodded again. "Best twenty bucks I ever spent! I paid the operator to stop us at the top. I told him I just wanted to scare the shit outta you."

"What about in the backseat of my sister's car? On that train going to Paris? In the forest outside Sunapee? After that show in Cincinnati? What about in the restroom in that little bar in Phoenix?"

"Yeah. We did all that stuff." Steven smiled.

Joe gave a chuckle, "Whoa." He ran his hand through his hair; he was getting hot just thinking about it. He had a lot of little erotic movies going through his mind. He was glad that he did have his memories; memories to keep him warm when he was with cold old Elyssa. He looked at Steven; he had to know. "When did I make you call me 'Joe-Joe'?"

"You never made me. I called you that the first time we were together. You said you liked it."

Joe realized that that night with Elyssa, he was trying to recapture the magic he and Steven made.

Steven added. "You'll always be my Joe-Joe."

Joe sat down on the bed. "Man, I never knew that I was queer! My Dad gonna kill me when he hears about this."

Steven sat down beside him. "How will he find out? Who's gonna tell him?"

"Oh, hell you know how badly secrets like this are kept." Joe shrugged, "Fuck, maybe you're just my first, maybe I'm gonna have a whole string of men in my love life." Truthfully, Joe wasn't sure if he could ever look his Dad in the eye again.

Steven looked at him; he decided to help his friend by easing his troubled mind. "OK, think about this: When you meet a guy, do you ever think 'God, I'd love to get him in the sack!'?" He inhaled deeply; he was nearly numb, not quite, but he was feeling pretty good.

"No. I've never thought that about any guy." He'd never had before this morning. He'd been thinking a lot about Tom, and Steven for the past few minutes. The whole ménage a trois sounded exciting...

"So, what is the problem? I don't think you're gay or anything. You were just curious." Steven took the last hit, and snuffed the rest out. "You experimented, that's all. Man, that doesn't mean you're gay. You're a human being that likes to be aroused. There's not a damned thing wrong with that! And don't ever let anybody ever tell you otherwise! You still like big boobs, right? And see," Steven ran his hand over his flat chest. "No mountain range here!"

Joe smiled. "OK, I get where you're coming from."

He gave smile; he hoped that he had done the right thing by not fighting for Joe. He did try one last effort to see if it was really over. "You know, if you ever get lonely, well, you know where I'm at. I mean, I would never tell anybody, if you wanted to make out or do some horizontal folk dancing." He ran his hand through Joe's dark mane.

"Yeah?" He looked at Steven. He didn't know if he could resist that temptation. "You want some breakfast?" Joe looked at his watch; their breakfast was the world's lunch.

"Yeah, there's this bar down the block, they got the best hamburgers and hot dogs."

Joe followed him out; he knew that he'd never look at a hot dog the same way again.