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Chapter 47 - Rites Of Passage (Part 4) - Blood On My Hands

Dimension: 563 - Earth
Date: 25th August 2001 AD
Country: France - The French Riviera - Marseeleveyre Mountains
Location: Chateau Delacour
Time: Afternoon

As Harry and Fleur left the room Dimitri turned towards Adam.

"Are you alright?"

"Yes....I knew that was going to happen so I was ready for it." He replied, straightening his coat ignoring his face (now red from the impact).

"How did you know?" asked Viktor "And why did he hit you anyway?"

"I knew because it is what I would have done and he did it because we just tricked him but more importantly he just witnessed his colleagues being killed, Fleur and Madam Maxime being seriously injured, and in addition to that he thought he had killed a Death Eater and he believed that he had got revenge on Bellatrix for killing Sirius and for what she did to the Longbottom's."

"Oh."
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Fleur finally caught up with Harry as he entered their room.

"Arry wait." She called as he finally came to a stop just inside the door, leaning heavily against the frame.

Coming up beside him slowly she looked at his lowered face; it was hard and expressionless, not willing to let any emotion show.

"Arry....are you alright?" she asked quietly, laying her hand on his arm causing him to flinch at her touch.

Fleur tried to feel him down the link but he was completely closed off, shutting everything out, it left an empty space within her.

"I....I need to be alone." He said quietly.

"Please Arry....tell me what's wrong?" she asked again, she felt terrible to be separated from him, there was a part of herself missing "It hurts to be shut off from you....Please Arry....tell me."

They stood there for several seconds before Harry answered even quieter than before.

"I don't feel anything."

"What?"

"I don't feel anything." He repeated.

"I don't understand Arry."

"....I killed Bellatrix....and I felt nothing." He said again, looking slowly up at Fleur, his eyes looked hollow and lifeless; the sight sent a chill down her spine.

"Arry....you didn't really kill her, it was an illusion."

"We didn't know that, so I killed her....I should feel guilty, I should feel ashamed of what I have done....but I feel nothing."

"Arry, she killed your godfather and condemned one of your friends parents to a fate worse than death. You should NOT feel guilty for removing her from the world....even if it was just a simulation."

"You don't understand!" he said loudly, turning on her taking a tight grip of both of her arms, before pushing her backwards against the wall with a hard thud, Fleur whimper in pain.

"I killed her.....I killed her and I felt nothing....NOTHING."

"Arry, you're hurting me." She gasped as Harry's hands tightened around her arms hard enough to leave bruises.

"I KILLED A LIVING, BREATHING HUMAN BEING....AND I FELT....nothing." he finished, tightening his grip so hard that her eyes were filling up with tears.

"Arry, please stop!" she cried.

He released her arms and threw himself away from the wall.

"I'm a monster and a murderer." He finished a look of disgust and horror on his face.

With that he turned and fled the room leaving a crying Fleur slumped against the wall, holding her bruised arms.
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The Delacour's and the others heard Harry run past the training room in the direction of the Entrance Hall.

Viktor and Dimitri both moved to go after him.

"No, leave him." Said Adam "He needs time, he won't leave the grounds, he just doesn't want to be near anyone for a while."

"How do you know?" asked Delphine.

Adam turned towards her, in that second he looked older and wiser than he normally did, he looked like a man who has seen too much.

"I'm fifteen billion years old," he explained "I know what he's feeling; I need to speak to Fleur and explain the situation, then hopefully I can help Harry get through this."

With that he moved out of the door and headed towards Harry and Fleur's room.
________________________________________________________________________

As he approached the door he heard the sounds of crying from the other side.

Entering the room he saw Fleur kneeling against the wall, her hands wrapped around bruises on her arms while she sobbed into her lap.

He gently knelt down beside her.

"Fleur, are you alright?"

Her head rose slowly until she looked at him, her eyes angry and full of tears.

"Why did you put him through that?" she sobbed.

"We needed to test your skill level and to see how you would react in a situation where you were loosing the person you care about the most, which in Harry's case was you. He reacted the way I thought he would."

"What did he do?" asked Fleur, rubbing at the bruises on her arms.

"As soon as you lost consciousness he let his anger out, he decapitated Bellatrix before turning on Tom and pounding him with spells until he was hit by the simulation of my unconscious body, you woke up shortly after."

Fleur nodded slowly, her tears slowly stopping

"I don't understand why he reacted like he just did."

"He believes by not feeling guilty about Bellatrix's death he is likely to kill rather than incapacitate again in the future, he feels he is now dangerous to know," he explained, moving his hand over the bruises on Fleur's arm "He doesn't want to be around anyone encase they say something to make him angry and he kills again."

"Arry wouldn't do that!" shouted Fleur, completely missing that fact that Adam's hand was glowing, healing her bruised skin.

"I know that and you know that but Harry....you know he still believes that he destroys more lives than he saves." He explained removing his hand, revealing perfectly healed skin.

Adam watched as Fleur realised exactly what had taken place.

"You....you did it deliberately. You wanted him to kill Bellatrix and that Death Eater."

Adam nodded slowly, waiting for the impact of Fleur's hand that followed a second later with a resounding crack.

"How can you do that to him!" she demanded standing, her left hand beginning to smoke as her anger rose "You knew how he would react."

Swinging her arm around a ball of fire erupted from her hand and went flying into Adam's chest, throwing him back against the open door, the front of his shirt now containing a large round hole where the fireball had hit, the edges and the exposed skin charred and still smoking.

Adam breathed heavily for a moment, ignoring the pain before turning back to her.

"Yes, I knew how he would react but answer me this, would you rather he feel like this now when he has time to deal with these feelings, when he has friends and family around him, or just after a battle with real Death Eaters where he may have lost people he cares about and there may be no one to help him through this. That would be by far the worst time to be suffering from survivors' guilt, not to mention the though of actually killing another human being."

Adam watched as Fleur reluctantly saw his point, not that she liked or approved of the decision he had made but she could understand why he had done what he had.

"You can't comprehend what he is feeling Fleur as you have never been in that situation....and hopefully you never will be."

"How do you plan to help him through this?" she asked, not overly nicely but then Adam would have been surprised if she had forgiven him that fast.

"By talking to him about death."

She stood silently for several seconds, waiting for him to continue.

"....Is, is that all?"

"I can be very convincing." He replied standing, giving his usual short bow despite the fact that he had been recently scorched.

Without saying another word he turned and left the room, leaving Fleur to ponder over her memories of the day.

As he passed the training room he leaned around the frame.

"Delphine, Fleur is a little bit upset, she could probably use some comforting."

He then turned and headed down to the ground floor, not giving the others the chance to ask about the changes to his attire not that it was not blatantly obvious what had happened.

Walking out through the Main Doors he headed out into the rain, following the trail of magic that Harry was exuding.

He reached the edge of a hill and found the huddled form of Harry sitting on the soaked grass as he approached he waved his hand over his shirt, repairing the hole in the material.

Walking up beside him he slowly sat down about a meter away and waited.
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Harry heard Adam approach and sit.

They both said nothing for several minutes until Harry finally said:

"I'm sorry....for hitting you."

"Do not worry about it; I was almost certain you would so it was not unexpected."

"Why did....why did you make me see and do those things?"

"I made you see those things because we had to see how much you had learnt but I did not make you do anything, I let the simulation run its course, the only times I interfered where when Bellatrix cursed Fleur and when my body came through the wall."

"Why then?" he asked in monotone.

"I interfered with Bellatrix to catch Fleur off her guard and with Tom because although it was not overly nice for you to have believed that you had killed Bellatrix, imagine what you would have thought if you had defeated Voldemort and then discovered it was just a simulation."

Harry didn't reply he knew Adam was right; he would probably have been almost suicidal if that had happened.

"And so you know Harry....I do not know how much power Tom has so I simulated someone with a similar level of power to yourself."

He hadn't wanted to hear that, the thought that it would be that easy to defeat Tom next time was one of the few things he had liked about the simulation.

They sat there for many minutes before Adam asked:

"How do you feel?"

Harry said nothing for several seconds before replying.

"I killed Bellatrix....and I felt nothing."

"I would be surprised if you did." Commented Adam.

"What!" Harry asked shocked.

"Harry, you have every reason to hate her for what she has done to you and those you care about."

"But I killed her, I should be ashamed of myself, I should feel guilty!" argued Harry.

"The fact that you are thinking that way proves that you are not the monster I am guessing you think you now are."

"I am a monster, I killed two people...."

"Harry," he interrupted "If I were to place a Death Eater in front of you now and I gave you a wand would you kill him just for the sake of killing him?"

"Of course not!" Harry shouted back.

"That proves you are not a monster, a monster would not worry about killing a person for no reason what so ever."

"But I...."

"Do you think Remus is a monster?"

"What, no!"

"Do you think Sirius was a monster?"

"NO!"

"They both intended to kill Wormtail, does that make them monsters." He didn't give Harry the chance to answer and kept going "Harry, how do you feel about killing the other Death Eater?"

Adam watched while Harry's face went slightly green.

"I should have just stunned him or cut him as a distraction while I incapacitated him."

"You feel guilty about it." Adam says as a statement rather than a question knowing that Harry would not answer "You did not know who it was and therefore you had no existing feelings against him, you only don't feel guilty about Bellatrix because you know who and what she was....a murderer and a monster."

"But I murdered two people, forgetting what I feel about them; I am guilty of killing them so I'm going to Hell anyway."

"What makes you think that, just because you had intent to kill someone and carried through with the act that you are going to Hell?"

"It's a sin therefore I go to Hell."

"What makes you think that the churches opinion on murder is the right one?"

"Until I met you I thought it was all rubbish, but your powers came from the Gods so tha...."

"You have just disproved your own point, you said Gods, the church believes in only one God, yet there are many from many different religions."

"But murder is still murder." Harry countered.

"Harry, during the time of the Crusades killing a member of another faith was sometimes considered a way into Heaven no matter who he or she was, yet killing a member of the same faith would condemn you to Hell....One life is as good as another, so what opinion is correct?"

"So which view is correct?"

"Neither, both, you are judged on your deeds, opinions, what you have been through, what you were thinking at the time, the way you were raised, what you were taught was right etc. If I had been taking care of you since birth and I had taught you to kill every person you came across that would be taken into account, you had been taught that way so you do not know any other way of thinking."

"So where would I go if the Gods see all?"

"First I want to explain something else to you Harry. If you believed in the Gods of Ancient Egypt your soul would be weighed upon your death, you and I would fail the weighing but Tom would pass and go on to the afterlife, do you know why?"

"No?"

"Because we both feel guilty about the lives we have taken or have tried to take, Tom does not so they do not weigh on him. So you see Harry you can not trust to a faith if you do not believe in it. Neither of us believe in religion, we know of the Gods existence but do not worship them thusly we have to live to be the best people we can."

"How do we do that and how do we know what classifies as good or bad?"

"You have to try to view your life from your own and someone else's perspectives."

Adam turned to Harry and looked him in the eye

"I have killed many times Harry....but I doubt the Gods of Light will let their 'champion' go to Hell, they need me, thusly it does not matter what I do but you and all others have to try to be the best people you can be by doing you think it right."

"But what happens when things go wrong when you try to do the right thing?"

"If it was an accident then it is still good, for example if you accidentally lean on a button that sets of an atomic warhead and kills millions of people, as it was an accident you wont be punished for it."

They both sat there for several minutes before Harry continued.

"Can I kill a Death Eater during a battle?"

"You can, we both know that if we capture them they will be sent to Azkaban and then Voldemort will break them out, also in battle you don't always have time to just incapacitate, stalling to do so could mean your death, under those circumstances killing is allowed, that is the point I am trying to prove to you, you can kill someone and still be a good person, you are fighting for what you know to be right and to win you sometimes have to kill."

Adam leaned forward and took hold of Harry's shoulder.

"You are a good man Harry, and while you continue to worry about whether you are a monster you will continue not to be."

Harry said nothing but he knew that Adam had made his point.

"If you are as powerful as you appear," asked Harry "....why don't you just end this war now?"

"Rules of engagement Harry, I can't just unleash my power and kill Voldemort; I am only allowed to use my heavenly powers to eliminate outside threats?"

"Outside threats?"

"Something that should not be happening, Buffy was attacked in her dimension by a large amount of demons, that shouldn't have happened therefore I can intervene, but when she was temporarily killed I could not, I am allowed to help you fight an army of Death Eaters but I can not wield my full power against them to eliminate them all at once. I am allowed to use as much power against an opponent that is supposed to be there as they could use against me, it can extremely annoying at times."

They sat for several minutes before Adam stood.

"Come back inside Harry, you have a Veela to make up with."

Harry sighed before slowly standing and followed after him.

He idly noticed as they walked back inside that the rain seemed to be avoiding Adam, slanting away from him at the last moment leaving him completely dry.

As they walked back inside Adam pealed off and headed for the training room while Harry moved towards their room.

As he walked uncertainly into the room he saw Delphine holding a sad looking Fleur on the other side of the room.

When Delphine saw him she carefully extracted herself from Fleur and walked towards the door, giving him a kiss on the cheek and a comforting smile as she went.

Turning back towards his mate, he saw Fleur slowly get up before walking towards him.

They stayed standing about a meter apart for several minutes before Harry finally got up the courage to speak.

"Fleur....I...."

She silenced him with a finger to his lips.

"I'm sorry Arry....I'm sorry I couldn't understand how you felt, I'm sorry I got you mad and I'm sorry I made you shout, please forgive me?"

Harry was shocked, he should have been begging for her forgiveness and here she was asking him to forgive her.

"Fleur, I'm sor...."

"Don't apologise Arry, it was my fault, I can't imagine what you were feeling and my failure to understand that made you get mad, I know you didn't mean to hurt me and I know that even after being inside your mind I still can't understand what you have been through....Please....forgive me?"

Her voice was nervous, unsure to what his answer would be, how could he ever refuse her anything.

"Yes." He nodded in defeat, not attempting to apologise again.

No sooner had the syllable left his lips when she lunged at him, hugging him tightly to her and kissing him frantically, as if trying to make up for what she thought she had done wrong, Harry still couldn't understand how she was blaming herself for his behaviour but he would use the intimacy that he was sure would follow to make it up to her as best as he possibly could.

Pulling her tight against him he returned the kiss with a passion, their tongues battling for dominance, both wanting to prove themselves, to make up for what they both believed to be their fault.

They manoeuvred themselves over to the bed, kissing and groping each other as they went, neither willing to release the other for more than a moment.

Hitting the side of the bed they toppled onto the mattress, Fleur getting pinned below Harry, there lips still glued together.

They began pulling at each others clothing, longing for the touch of skin.

They managed to pull each others outer clothes off, leaving Harry in his jeans and Fleur in her lacy underwear. Harry finally managed to wrench his mouth away from Fleur's causing both to moan at the loss of touch, he began to kiss his way down her neck, nipping and teasing the skin as he went, all the while his hands were busy massaging her lace covered breasts, she didn't usually wear a bra, she didn't need to, another advantage of being Veela he supposed.

She moaned as he made his way down her body, enjoying the sensation, Harry had never been the dominant one during their intimate moments, occasionally when they were making love slowly he would draw level with her but he had never been this adventurous, he normally asked permission multiple times before doing anything, it looked like he had finally listened to her telling him that he did not need to.

She gasped as he kissed her through her silk knickers. Her hands went to the back of his head as he continued his assault, teasing her through the material.

When he stopped she groaned in loss and tried to force his head back but he resisted, manoeuvring out to slink his way back up her body.

She squeaked in surprise when he grabbed her by the legs and spun her over onto her front.

Turning to ask him what he was doing she discovered as soon as she felt the catch on her bra being released, allowing the garment to slide its way down her arms.

Moments later she felt his lips descend on the newly uncovered area of her back, repeating the process he had started on her front.

Fleur's hands curled into the sheets and she closed her eyes in pleasure as the sensual contact from her mate continued.

Harry brought his lips up to nipple her neck giving a couple of gentle bites, eliciting gasps of surprise from Fleur before trailing back down her back until he reached the border of her underwear, he kissed along the line where lace met skin before slowly pulling them down her legs kissing the skin as it was exposed.

By this point Fleur was almost melting into the mattress, the mixture of both sensual and sexual tension was just radiating off her, she had never felt so turned on and so relaxed at the same time in her entire life.

As Harry's lips left her legs she eagerly awaited what would come next. She was more than a little surprised when Harry lifted her onto her hands and knees; again she began to turn to ask him what he was doing when she heard the sound of clothes being removed before she felt him push into her centre.

They both moaned as Harry sheaved himself inside of her, setting a steady pace.

Fleur would have to get Harry to be more adventurous more often; she was being touched in places she had never been touched before.

She began to force backwards, matching Harry's pace moaning at each re-entry, enjoying the pleasure they were both receiving.

As Fleur began to tense up she pulled off of Harry and in a rapid movement turned over and flung Harry onto the bad before mounting him.

"My turn....