FicWad

Title: Can't find another way
Author: Ginseng
Paring: Davey/Jade
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction. It did not happen. This fiction in no way represents people mentioned within. I do not profit from these stories

The band was on a hiatus. We had been working hard promoting the album and touring. Everyone needed some time off, especially me. I felt completely drained and had no idea how I ever would be able to write another song. I wasn't really worried, it was hardly the first time I doubted my abilities to create but it usually took a month or so and then it would all come back to me.

I spent my spare-time redecorating my kitchen. I designed it myself. It had this Scandinavian touch with birch cupboards and hardwood countertops. Pale colours and lots of light. The only hassle was that I couldn't use the kitchen for over two weeks. I knew all the good restaurant's vegan menus by heart. And I must admit that I found it somehow embarrassing dining out alone.

The whole idea of a hiatus was to spend time away from the band but all those meals without someone to badmouth the cook with made me miss Jade. So I called him and asked him out for dinner. I had the celery and lemon salad and a paella with artichokes and piquillo peppers. Jade had grilled aubergine salad and a winter tabbouleh. Unfortunately dinner was lovely. I had looked forward to complaining. Jade was almost as good as I at expressing his dislikes.

During dinner we talked about this and that. I told Jade about my new kitchen and he spoke about a visit to his sister. Jade loved his niece. To my knowledge Jade dated mostly men. And I believed he mourned the fact that he'd probably never going to be a father. But come to think about it Jade hadn't been on a date for a really long time, not with a man or a woman. My poor sweet guitar-player had an awfully long dry spell.

I wasn't exactly dating either but I had this young guy that I saw whenever I wasn't touring. He was eleven years younger than I was and wasn't a fan of AFI. He liked old rock like the Rolling Stones. But he was adoringly short, had longish black hair and sucked cock like a semi-god. He never got clingy since he was in a relationship of some kind with a man that was even older than I was. I never understood why but the older man was okay with his lover seeing me on the side. And I wasn't complaining.

We stood in the parking lot and talked for a long time. Deep down inside I didn't want Jade to leave. It made me feel stupid. I had spent months with him and should have been happy having him out of my hair. I noticed how closely he watched me pull my bangs from my eyes.

"Wanna get some tofu ice cream and watch a movie or something?"

I couldn't count the hours we had spent cramped up on the bus watching movies and eating ice cream. And there I was asking him over to do just that. Anyone would think that he would be sick and tired of watching movies with me. But poor Jade must have been very lonely because he agreed to join me. Jade offered to pick up ice cream and movies and meet me back at my house. I showed him the stripped down kitchen and tried to explain what it would look like when it was done. I couldn't find any bowls so we grabbed two spoons and retired to my sitting room. Much to my delight Jade had chosen Bram Stoker's Dracula. I loved that movie. Anne Rice and Brad Pitt in all their glory but if I had to pick a vampire movie it would be the one by Mr. Coppola. And except from Antonio Banderas as Armand, Gary Oldman made the hottest vampire. Dracula was a very aesthetic movie and I loved the way they used the leaf pattern through out the whole story.

We sat close together on my couch sharing a quart of ice cream. When you spent so much time with another person as I had with Jade you were bound to get close. But with him it hadn't taken that long. He understood me like no one else did. We had so many things in common and I loved the way I didn't have to explain stuff to him. He knew any ways.

"Have you been writing anything yet?" I asked without looking at him.
"Nope." He stated. "How about you?"
"No. Not yet."
"It will come. You know it will..." His hand brushed my leg.
"Yeah. I guess, but..."
"No buts Davey." He looked at me, eyes filled with concern.

He returned to the movie. I watched him lick the ice cream off the spoon. So thoughtful and concentrated. He looked so cute. Suddenly I was aware of how nice his thigh felt against mine. Involuntarily I looked at his groin, the denim looked tighter than usual. Was he hard? For me? The image of his perfect little right nipple on that pale, slender chest of his flashed before my eyes. I shook my head to clear my thoughts. Jade stroked the back of my neck.

"What? Davey?"
"Oh! Nothing. I was just..."

He looked me straight in the eyes.

"Davey, please, talk to me." His slim fingers still on my neck, thumb moved in small circles behind my ear. A display of friendship or maybe desire, I couldn't tell anymore. I was confused.

"Jade... Are you seeing anyone?"
"No... I'm not..." He looked down like he was ashamed of the fact that he was lonely.

He shouldn't have. To people like us, being celibate was a good thing but that didn't keep Jade from blushing. It suited him, that pinkish hue on his cheeks. I wondered if that was what he looked like right after sex. Maybe he would be flushed like that.

"Well... I'm kind of saving myself for someone..."
"Oh, good for you!"
"... kind of waiting... for you..." The shade on his cheek was deep red by then. "To let me be with you..."

I didn't know how to react so I just looked at him.

"Yeah... right." My voice dripped with irony. I wanted to make sure he was joking. But he was persistent.
"Davey, I mean it. I want you. Always had..."
"Are you serious? " I was still sceptical.
"Yes. Please, let me..." At first he avoided eye contact but then he looked up and I saw his innocent hazel eyes. I couldn't ignore it. I felt the same.

"Jade..." The way I said his name revealed my feelings.
"Is it okay then? Davey... It won't change anything if that's what you're worried about."
"But what if..."
"Shh, it'll be okay. I promise. I won't... Could we just do this? Okay?"

He got down on the floor in front of me and touched the inside of my thigh. He took off his sweater and pulled mine off too. The situation was absurd but exhilarating at the same time. Jade fingered the buckle of my worn-out belt. He looked up at me and I could tell he was uncertain. Having Jade on his knees before me was more of a turn on than I had expected. He looked almost submissive and I appreciated it tremendously. He unbuttoned my jeans. How could I ever resist him?

All that was heard was heavy breathing. It took a while before I realised that it was me panting. I lifted myself off the couch as he slipped my jeans off my hips. Jade's hand travelled up my leg, in under my boxers and to my swollen member. He paused for a second or two, then he looked up at me. Pliable but a bit surprised at the same time. I had a ruthless hard on and was just waiting for him to take action. He removed my last piece of clothing and I was naked.

He bent forward and placed his hands on my hips. My cock was just inches away from his mouth. The feeling of his lips around my aching flesh was astounding. I thrust into the warmth of his sweet mouth.

"Easy... I have waited for this for so long I wanna take it slow." He pressed my hips down on the couch.

He took hold of my dick and stroked my whole length a couple of times. I was slick from pre-cum and saliva. With his lean fingers around the base of my cock he took me into his mouth again. Soon he looked up at me from lowered lashes.

"Davey, you want to take this further? I wanna feel you inside."

There he was, with my dick in his hand, pleading for me to take him. It was the most lustful thing I had ever experienced. I took a deep breath.

"Jade, seeing you like this..." I tilted his head up. "You're so beautiful. You know I want to, but are you sure?"
"I'm sure. What I want only you can give me. Please Davey!"

I had severe moral doubts. I adored Jade. I had just never thought our relationship would be of the carnal kind. We should have been talking instead. My thoughts were interrupted.

"You think too much!" He straddled me, pulled my face close and kissed me. It was unbelievable. It was so sensual, honest and full of passion. I was speechless.

Jade pulled me up on my feet and led me to my bedroom. He pushed me on to the bed and I let my bangs cover my eyes. It was the only way to keep myself from staring at him as he was undressing quickly.

He was naked and looked at me.

"Davey." He spoke with a soft voice. "I need to know that you're okay with this. I need you to say it."
"Come here. I want you. I want you now Jade."

He walked over to the bed and sat down next to me. I stroked his thigh and looked him in the eyes. This was so typically us. Thinking so alike but not always at the same time. I leaned in and kissed him, positioned him on his back and crawled on top. He kissed me back. I let my growing cock rub against Jade's flat stomach. We made out and I couldn't really grasp the fact that my best friend was such a great kisser. The sensation of skin against skin was incredible.

He turned around and stuck a pillow under his middle. He spread his legs and looked over his shoulder at me.

"Take me."

It was almost too much for me to apprehend. He looked so good. I got behind him and grabbed his hips.

"I'm ready for you but go easy. You're... you know... well endowed."

Jade whimpered a little when I entered him. I snaked my right hand underneath him and folded my fingers around his cock, stoking him gently.

"It's okay. Go ahead..."

I moved slowly out of him and then back again. It was amazing but on a whole other level then I had expected. The intimacy was very strong. I felt so close to him and all the feelings just washed over me. Jade met my thrusts and my hand around his arousal mirrored my plunging strokes. When Jade moaned my name he took me close to completion. He must have known because he whispered softly.

"It's okay Davey. Let go."

And I did. His release spilled out over my hand and we collapsed on the bed. Not many words were said. We showered, cuddled close and fell asleep. What happened that night turned out to be of lesser importance. It was the following day that I would remember the most.

We were exhausted and slept late. I was the one to wake up first. I got up and went to the bathroom. When I got back I came to an abrupt stop. The covers had slipped down his slim body. Exposing a slender back and the better part of his butt. I stood transfixed, taking in the beautiful picture. It was like a saw Jade for the first time and it made my heart flutter.

I got dressed quietly and went to my so-called kitchen. I stared at the mess and began to look for my car keys. I kind of over did the ordering and had to take two trips back and forth from the car to get everything. I tiptoed to my bedroom where Jade was still asleep. I sat down on my heels beside the bed and stroked the blond out of his face. I kissed his cheek gently and he slowly began to open his eyes.

"Good morning." A silly smile spread across my face.
"G'morning." Jade stretched his body and yawned.

I was disappointed that he didn't kiss me back, but swallowed my pride.

"There's plenty of breakfast waiting downstairs. Hurry up and get dressed!"

I left him alone to get ready. I opened a bowl with fruit-salad and stabbed a piece of mango with my fork. I nibbled the fruit and watched the stairs. What was taking him so long? I cursed myself. That was the wrong question to ask. I should have been reflecting on what was happening with me. Why was I missing him after only five minutes? It was Jade. Same old Jade that I had known for years, that I had spent almost every waking hour with for the past months on tour, that had been sleeping in the bunk above mine on every night-liner we had ever used.

The sound of light steps on the hardwood floor interrupted my trail of thoughts. He was wearing my baggy black shorts that I only wore around the house and a faded old Hanoi Rocks t-shirt. His hair was wet and he looked absolutely adorable.

"Wow, that is a lot of breakfast..." His voice was husky.
"Yeah..." I couldn't tell why but I think I blushed a little. "What do you want to start with?"
"Maybe just some green tea..." He sat down next to me. "Oh and maybe one of these muffins. I better eat something to gain my strength back, right?"

He flashed me one of his darling smiles and once again my heart skipped a beat. We were just about to finish off the last pumpkin scone when the phone rang. It was my financial advisor. I told Jade I'd take it in my office. The call lasted longer that I had expected and when I got back Jade was nowhere to be found.

I walked through the living-room, peeked into the kitchen, went up the stairs to my bedroom. I kind of hoped he'd be there. I walked back down to the living room and turned off the tv.

"Jade?" I said out loud but continued more quietly, to myself. "If I had known he'd be sorry in the morning..."

I was getting worried that he had left but then I noticed that the door to the basement was slightly opened. I went downstairs. The light in the hallway was off. I got the feeling that he might have hidden somewhere in the dark to scare the living daylights out of me. But I was wrong. I found him in my studio, wearing headphones and playing guitar. He sat on the old couch I had down there, playing a tune I didn't recognise. I was hard to tell what exited me the most; the fact that he was playing new material or the way he looked. He had his head bowed and I could see his muscled moving underneath the ink on this arm. I admired the way he held the pick; apart from his thumb and index finger his whole hand looked so relaxed.

I don't know for how long I just watched him play. I had no idea how to address him. In my head I tried to put words on my fear; this was how you destroyed a long and perfectly good friendship. Love was so hard to find and Jade made my life so much more pleasant and easy. Maybe I was stupid for not seeing it before.

He looked up, took off the headphones and placed the guitar in the stand right next to the couch.

"So here you are, playing..." I was stating the obvious when he interrupted me.
"Yeah, I was kind of nervous so I... Davey, I don't know how to tell you this but I think yesterday might have been a huge mistake."

I held my breath, or more correctly; I couldn't breath. It was that exact moment I realised that I loved him. When my heart stopped and I was so scared that I couldn't even panic.

"I can't do this..." He looked down on his hands. He was still holding the pick. It was my favourite; the white with the red lucky 13.

I had to look away. I stared at the floor, trying to blink back the tears in my eyes. And I was supposed to be the one that never cried.

"Hell I don't even know what this is." He spoke softly. "Friends... or friends with benefits... or what? I should have told you. It's all my fault."

When he stopped talking I couldn't help but look at him.

"Davey..." He looked so sad.
"Please, don't... I..." My voice died.
"I have to. I've been struggling with this for so long but I just can't seem to let it go. What started out as a crush has grown stronger. Much stronger..."

My frozen brain slowly began to comprehend what he was saying. My heart quivered and I managed to transport a small amount of air to my lungs.

"With you I can share my most private thoughts, you know me inside and out, all my faults and best hidden secrets. You have been my best friend for so long and helped me and I've helped you... We understand each other, we can talk about everything. In your company I'm open minded and you challenge me like no other... I think there's no turning back..."

I exhaled and sunk to my knees.

"Davey... What's wrong? I'm so sorry!" Jade flew off the couch and sat down besides me.

I took a couple of deep breaths. With his thin arms around my neck he pulled me close.

"I should have known..." Jade's words was barely audible. He stroked my back trying to comfort me. "I've been telling myself that I don't need you, that I don't need anyone. And I don't want to loose the best love I've ever had; you loving me as a friend. I have ruined everything..."

Large, cold tears fell on my neck and his frail body trembled against my back. I didn't want him to cry. I wanted to make him feel safe and loved. The way I felt in his arms, as always. With him I found comfort and warmth whenever I needed to hide from the crowd, or myself. I knew I would never be alone again. I was scared but I did it any way.


The end