FicWad

They had just finished both exhausted from this latest encounter. "Goddamn, I think it's getting better every time." Joe moaned as he looked at his face. He was watching the rain gently run off the glass-lost in his thoughts.

Joe got off and put his arms around him. Now he thought too. He thought this would be going smoother. He had the gnawing feeling that Tom was not happy. He asked, but always denied it.

He now looked at the rain too. He remembered that empty feeling he had when he realized that Steven was gone forever. The way Joey held him as he cried, the blank look he got when he kissed his forehead. Steven was over him. There would be no more encounters.

He felt just as empty beside Tom. He thought he could woo him into this, but he never called. Not once! He always had to call him. He always had to prime him. Tom was always a million miles away thinking.

This was impossible. He loved Tom. He loved him after their first encounter-he loved him more after each one, but he couldn't say it. He still thought it was one of the most idiotic things he'd ever been asked to do: Don't say I love you.

So he'd say 'I adore you' or 'I care very deeply for you'. He always said whatever phrase back. That was something anyway.

He got up and picked his clothes off the floor. He quietly began to dress, when Tom noticed. "Where are you going?"

"We're done aren't we?" Joe noticed the snip in his voice.

Tom frowned. "I was just trying to remember what Terry wanted me to buy. It was peanut butter and bread and something else, fuck I can't remember. And I better remember or she's gonna bitch all night about it."

Joe remained silent as he pulled his shirt on.

"What's wrong?"

Joe stared at him. "You tell me!"

"Nothing's wrong-"

"Nothing? Bullshit! What is wrong? Fuck I thought you liked being with me!"

"I do-"

"I said I was open for anything!" Joe sat on the edge of the bed and stared at him. "I've asked you if you wanted a blowjob-"

Tom sat up. "Oh Christ Joe-"

"No! Goddamn it! You never call and ask to be with me! I gotta call you-"

"I thought this is how you wanted it."

"What? What I fucking wanted!"

"I thought that's how it was, if you needed a fuck then you call. I didn't know I was supposed to call you. Fuck, have I ever said 'No, I'm not interested!' I have always been here for you when you needed me."

He had a point there. There was something he did that he was not so sure went over too well. Maybe that's what is wrong here..."Are you mad about the DVD? How I did the fight between the bassist and the guitarist? I mean I thought you'd get the joke."

"Hell no, I'm not mad about that." Tom scoffed. "It was funny."

It wasn't that. He knew the truth: Tom wasn't happy being with him. Joe blinked hard, "So you wanna give me the key back?"

"What?"

"Tom, if you aren't happy, then just give back the key and I'll find somebody else." Joe shook his head, "There's just something missing between us."

"You weren't complaining five minutes ago!"

"I know, that was great," He smiled as he remembered what happened just moments ago. "I care very deeply for you Tom." He ran his hand over his chest to emphasize his point.

"Same here."

"I just wanna know what's wrong." He said softly.

"You wanna know?"

"Yeah."

"This is very different that what I used to do with Brad and Joey. Anytime we were together we were wasted-hardly able to focus on the deed, it was indeed just sex. Just sticking a cock somewhere and having a good release, that was all that was expected.

"I never knew how deep Brad and Joey were until years later. When Brad left the band, Joey was devastated, and I filled that void that he needed. I knew he was just there cause Joey needed me."

"How do you know that you just filled a void?"

"He never said that he loved me; at least I didn't remember him uttering that phrase." Tom leaned forward, "I never told anyone that when Brad and Joey broke up for good, Joey had propositioned me again, but I just couldn't go through with it."

"Why?"

"I never liked the physical act of sex with Joey. It was like having a baby's arm shoved up my ass and he just had too many rules to abide by. He never held it against me though."

"See it was never that way between Steven and me. I mean I was an asshole, but when we got back together, I was always telling him I loved him." He gave a slight laugh, "You know he used to get mad when I wouldn't say it. I never understood why it bothered him so much. I didn't get until now."

Tom purposely ignored where Joe was going. "See you and me, shit, I didn't think this would be any more complicated than whacking off, but I think about you more and more," He ran his fingers through his hair as he continued, "I think about how the light dances in your eyes and brings out the green flecks, and the way the sweat runs off your body when we're in the heat of passion. The passion you have is just incredible; I don't know many people that are as passionate as you are."

"You're passionate too." Joe looked deeply at him. "So you're OK with me. You're happy to be here."

"Yeah, like I said, I've never made an excuse not to show up to one of our meetings."

He saw Tom's eyes fill with tears. He knew that he might just make him crack. He might just find out what's wrong. "They say the biggest sex organ is the brain. I like your sense of humor and how well you can say what's on your mind, so why don't you tell me the truth? What else is on your massive brain?"

Tom swallowed hard. "Mainly I'm thinking about how afraid I am."

Joe cocked his head at him. "What are you afraid of?"

"I'm afraid I'm falling for you and it's scaring the shit out of me."

"I felt differently about you after the first time, you know. I wanted to say," Joe nervously cleared his throat, "You know that three word phrase you asked me never to say."

"I know." Tom said slowly, "That phrase is so powerful, it can make men do things that they never dreamed of."

"So why don't you want me to say it?"

"It'll change everything."

Joe frowned. "Maybe it'll change things for the best."

Tom wasn't very comfortable. This was going way farther than he wanted. Right now, they were 'sex partners' not 'lovers'. They 'had sex'. They weren't 'making love'.

Tom sighed, as he thought about the insanity of this moment. It's just three words. That's it. Three tiny little words that could screw his life up if he says it or equally fuck everything up if he didn't.

He looked at Joe-he was staring back at him. He thought about how his logical thinking had brought him here and now had abandoned him completely. He held Joe's head in his hands, and looked deeply into his eyes and prayed this wasn't going to be a mistake. "I love you."

"Tom I love you." Joe eyes welled up.