FicWad

Passive aggressive
Pushing only to be pulled away
The cup sits half empty, simply collecting dust particles.
There is nothing left
Nothing to hope for
No reason to be excited for tomorrow
There are sparks flashing
Bright against my eyelids
The only thing that keeps me breathing
Are those seconds when I see you?
Those few precious glimpses of you walking swiftly past
Sometimes you stop
Your head turns in my direction
There aren’t words that can describe when our eyes meet and you smile
You say something witty and keep walking
I hate to see you leave but I love to watch you go

I slowly put the pencil down, my hand swiftly folding up the paper and shoving it into my purse. The clock seems to move slowly as I pull yet another paper out and start doodling. I don’t need any more words to remind me of you. The computer in front of me starts to flicker, and then the screen goes out. I look around wildly to see if I am the only one, obviously. I hear my name being whispered behind me, but I ignore it as usual. Once it stops I turn around and look into the crowd.

Hundreds of kids are still typing away, oblivious to my slight computer malfunction. I try and jiggle the mouse, but nothing happens. Panic flows through me; embarrassment laced with a little bit of excitement. I know I get to see you.

Slowly my hand inches up into the air, once it is firmly placed I wait. Teachers pass me by, but finally I see you. A smile creeps onto your lips and you walk towards my chair. You crouch on the floor so our faces are level with each other.

“What’s up” you say in a friendly tone. I stammer a bit, silently cursing myself for being so nervous around you.

“My Computer is br...Broken…” I whisper not looking at you. There didn’t seem to be any reason for it but you just smiled and nodded. Confused and intrigued, I stood up and let you have my seat so you could try and fix my computer. Your smile eventually falters, and the frown breaks my heart. A few moments later you are completely unhooking my tower from the desk.

“Wait. What am I supposed to do?” I say twiddling my thumbs a bit.

“Follow me.” you say, your smile back. You are lugging the computer tower toward your office. I had only been in there a once before. My hands started shaking.

In the small room I relax to see that we are alone. The other tech guy isn’t as funny as you are. A few monitors are placed around the room, and there is a board full of little knobs. A pitiful desk sits in the corner, and that is where you go to sit.

“Sit Please…” I hear you say. You are taking apart the back of my computer. I hope you don’t fix it too quick; I am enjoying just being in your presence.

“So what’s the diagnosis?” I say attempting to be half as cool as you are. You shrug and continue to poke around. Stupidly I sit down realizing that the chair is good foot and a half behind me.

“Are you okay?” You ask pushing the computer aside to help me up. Your hands are callused and warm on mine; you give a slight tug and I soar up to a standing position.

“Fine Thanks…” I murmur. With every intention to leave I turn to face the door but realize your hands are still in mine. Quietly you let go but not without a smile. My mind is racing. I don’t really want to leave; outside of this room I have no friends. I am just a big nerd who was hurt really badly and was never the same. You make me feel like me again. I don’t want to graduate and leave you. Of course you have no clue I feel this way, and you definitely don’t realize that I consider you my only friend.

Am I such a loser that the only person I really talk to is my school’s tech guy?

My thumbs are still twiddling, memories are flooding my brain. I suck in a breath and remember the way things used to be. You shuffle back to the computer, and start again glancing up every few seconds. Every memory flies from my head as I sit down and bask. Your eyes meet mine once again and your lips curve up into a smile.

“So… Are you gonna go to the school dance?” You ask, obviously just trying to make conversation. But I sense something in your voice, and I wonder what you would say if I said yes I had a date. Like that would ever happen.

“No.” I whisper playing with my sleeves.

“No invites?” you ask pushing the computer away. I shake my head, mirroring my shaking hands. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but how come you hardly ever talk to anybody?”

I look up. I want to say that it was what my life has become, but I hold my tongue and shrug. “I just wanna graduate and be done.” I murmur, my sleeve is looking extremely fascinating.

“That’s no reason not to have fun… You are 18 years old, you should be having the time of your life.” Your voice is soft, but inquiring. You want to know what happened. You must have heard the rumors.

“Just ask, don’t beat around the bush.” I say casting you an annoyed glance. I thought you were better than this. Your eyes soften, and my heart flutters.

“What happened?” You say resting your head on your hands. There is seriousness in your voice. I tilt my head. You get up and walk around to stand in front of me. “Kate, you have never had a problem talking to me before. I heard some kids talking about you and I wanna know the truth. What happened?” now you’re on your knees my hands are resting softly in your own.

“I don’t… I can’t…” I stammer hoping you will drop the subject. My eyes are watering and you are still gazing deeply into them. You don’t understand that you are the only guy who I let touch me; you are the only person I want to feel close to.

“Kate… Please.” You strain. I think you are near tears too.

“Please don’t make me…” I start to cry.

You kiss me. Your lips press gently into mine, and your hands wipe away a few tears. I pull back to exhale. There is a smile on your lips. ‘Don’t stop’ I want to say, but you already settled into a comfortable sitting position. We sit in silence for a moment your hand slowly stroking mine.

“I was stupid… I deserved it, and now I am paying for it.” I whisper, I am hoping you can’t hear me. But your eyes are searching mine as you shake your head.

“Don’t say that.” You say, but you don’t know the truth. No one really knows. “Kate… Why can’t you just tell me?”

“You don’t want to know.”

“Yes I do.”

“Trust me… Please.” My voice cracks a bit and you stand quickly. You lean down kiss my forehead before walking back to your desk and fixing my computer.

I am sorry, but I just can’t tell you. There is so much you don’t realize, so much I don’t want you to find out about me. You are hurt, I can tell. My lips are still tingly from the kiss you gave me.

“Please, don’t be mad at me” I say, I can’t have you hate me. Not like everyone else.

“I’m not made, Kate I just wish you could confide in me. I wish I could help you stop hurting.” Your words hit me; hard.

My eyes are watering up. A few tears fall, then a few more. You still don’t notice. I try to hold in the sob but it escapes echoing off the walls of the tiny room. You must have noticed, because you are with me again. But your arms are around me, and you are whispering sweetly in my ear.

“I will tell you… Just please don’t think any less of me, promise?” I say sadly between sniffles. You nod appreciatively. “It was a year ago….”
______________________________


There were kids everywhere, and Kate was sitting among the craziest partygoers. Jell-O shots and beer was being passed around the large houses living room. Kate was sober, completely. She wasn’t into the whole get drunk scene. Sitting comfortably on the couch she watched Ben throw back shot after shot of tequila. Pretty soon he was completely smashed.

“Kate!” he yelled, sitting clumsily beside her. His head bent low over hers and he whispered heavily in her ear. “Let’s go upstairs…”

Kate thought for a moment. She had been crushing on Ben for a few years, and every party she went to she had hoped he would ask her out. But this wasn’t a date request. This was a request for something more, something she didn’t think she was ready for.

“Why?” she asked her voice low as well. His hand slid slowly up her thigh.

“Let’s just talk…” he whispered. Kate was foolish to believe even for a second that she was just going to talk. But up the stairs they went dodging people left and right.

The room was small and cluttered with little ceramic decorations. Kate realized this must be an older woman’s bedroom. Slowly pushing her shoes off, she sat on the mattress; feeling disgusted.
Ben sat down right next to her kissing her cheek, before moving down further to suck on her neck.

“What are you doing? I thought we were gonna talk.” Kate exclaimed, pulling away.

“Did you honestly think that I was gonna say lets go fuck!” Ben slurred, his hands grasping for something to hold onto. Kate pulled away.

“I am not going to fuck you, Ben. I thought you were better than that.” She said standing up to leave. A strong hand grabbed her arm.

“Katie… babe… don’t kid yourself you know you want me. Just come on.” His words were less slurred, and there was a little seduction in them.

“No.” she said trying to escape his grip. His hand tightened. ”No!” she said more forcefully, but he was so strong. The things that had attracted her to him in the first place were becoming horrible. His muscles pulled her to him as he threw her on the bed. His lips pressed painful kisses on her closed mouth. “Stop!” she managed to yell before his mouth descended on hers again. When people describe rape they always say it happened so fast that they didn’t know what to do, but to Kate it lasted forever. At every possible screaming chance she opened her mouth to yell only to be silenced immediately by a strong hand.

Ben had his left hand on her mouth and his right hand was unbuttoning Kate’s jeans, with clumsy fingers. Kate’s hands formed fists and pounded angrily at his back. Her legs kicked mercilessly, and she tried to shake enough so that maybe he would give up, but she wasn’t that lucky. Ben simply lifted his left hand and slammed it angrily back down on her mouth. Tears sprang fresh in her eyes as she tasted blood.

Finally unbuttoned, Ben slid her jeans slowly down her hips, his right hand now roaming her thighs and stomach. The touch repulsed her. Bile rose in her throat, and she hoped she didn’t start throwing up or else she would choke on it. Maybe that would be better than whatever this is.

“I will uncover your mouth if you promise not to scream.” Ben said in has voice that Kate used to find so sexy. Kate nodded and felt relieved when he moved his hand away.

“Ben, please. You are so much better than this. We can talk about this when you are sober, but please don’t do it.” Kate pleaded quietly not wanting to get gagged again.

“I’m not drunk, Kate. You want this. You know you do. I just have to remind you of that.” He wasn’t slurring his words anymore, but he was still obviously drunk. His eyes glazed over and he was grinning stupidly.

“Ben, I’m not ready for this, please!” Kate said her voice a bit more firm.

“Shut the fuck up!” he wailed as he slid his hand up her blouse. Kate cringed at the contact of their flesh. This was not how she wanted her first time to be.

Ben’s hand slid under her bra while the other one started unbuttoning her blouse. He kneaded her breast roughly, causing a gasp of pain from Kate. He must have mistaken it for pleasure, because he grinned.

“See, I told you that you wanted it. Do you like that?” He spat pinching the nipple painfully.

“You’re hurting me Ben, Please Stop!” Kate yelled a bit too loud. His left slammed onto her mouth again.

“Shut the fuck up!” he hissed as his right hand still pinched her sensitive nipple. Her face was wet with tears. Finally he removed his hand from her bruised chest, and pushed her blouse back on her shoulders. With all the alcohol in his system Ben was unable to take the bra off of her while still keeping her mouth shut. Kate’s hands were desperately trying to push him off. She thought maybe she could make a deal with him, but his hand wasn’t budging, and he was currently focused on other things.

More quickly than before, Ben pushed her jeans the rest of the way down. His right hand slid delicately over the front of her panties. Kate was disgusted by this, not wanting him to touch her anymore. She clenched her hips together as he tried to slip a finger into her panties. This action did little to stop his progress. Her scream was muffled by his hand, but it made enough sound to bother him. Ben’s head whipped up, and his hand tightened on Kate’s mouth.

“Kate, don’t fucking mess with me! I will KILL you!” He said, he had never sounded more sober in his life. Kate nodded, deep down accepting her fate. Her arms fell slack against her sides, and she started crying harder.

Ben’s fingers slid her panties down as quickly as possible. His fingers slipped inside of her, deeply, causing a quick shock of pain up Kate’s abdomen. He was being too rough, trying to shove three fingers in. Kate’s eyes clenched shut the pain, and her legs gave quick shake. He removed his fingers and gave them a lick. He started unbuttoning his own pants.

“I am gonna fuck you so hard…” Ben whispered using his free hand to slide his boxers down.

Kate had never seen a naked man up close before. His penis was menacing against his body. Slowly he began to stroke himself, being sure to do it in view of Kate’s teary eyes. A drop of something slid from the tip, and Ben let out a pleasurable hiss. His hand moved from Kate’s mouth and began tugging slightly at his balls. Kate used this moment to try and scoot up and out of his reach.

Ben’s eyes were clenched shut, and he began thrusting into a fist he made. Kate started to slowly wiggle upward toward the wooden headboard. Her heart was racing as she scooted a bit more. His eyes were still closed, but he seemed closer to release as he began grunting heavily.

She had two choices: slowly scoot away, and risk him finishing up before she escaped, or make a run for it and hopefully not get grabbed.

She chose the latter.

In a quick movement Kate was off the bed and running towards the door. Her hand grasped the knob and she turned it, wrenching the door open only to be pressed against it as it slammed back shut. Ben was standing behind her his erection pressing on her lower back. Her sobs shook the door as she managed to get a few good bangs in before being dragged away toward the bed.

She was naked from the waist down, but her bra was still on and her blouse hung at her shoulders. Ben ripped her bra off and slid the top off completely. Now fully exposed Ben gazed at her hungrily. One of her breast’s had a darkening handprint on it, and the nipple was already a dark purple. Her face was almost terrifying. The red handprint that covered her mouth stood out against her skin, and her lips were swollen and bleeding. She was screaming for help now trying to get away from Ben.

“What the fuck! If you make a goddamn sound I will fucking kill you.” He sneered grabbing her wrist with bruising force. He slid her bottom closer to the edge of the bed and spread her legs wide. Without much direction on his part, Ben slid himself inside her. Kate gasped from the pain. Quickly he began thrusting mercilessly, and rough. Her tiny yelps of pain must have been interpreted as pleasure, because it just made Ben go faster. Finally he came; collapsing half on top of her, half on the floor.

Nobody moved at first. The shock began settling in. Kate finally pushed herself away and grabbed her panties. There was blood sliding down her thighs in small droplets as she slid them on. Her bra was ruined, so she just began buttoning up her blouse quickly. Ben had fallen completely onto the floor when she had moved, and now he was breathing hard in a lust induced stupor. As her jeans slid up her thighs, there was a grunt as Ben stood up. He didn’t seem too interested in her, only in getting comfortable in the bed. After sliding on her shoes Kate ran downstairs and out the front door. She kept her head down the entire time hoping no one would notice her.

Inside the protection of her own car, Kate felt anything but safe.

Where should she go? The hospital? The police station? She never thought this could ever happen to her, and she never put any real thought into it. Finally, she decided to just go home. The thought of doctors probing and taking samples sickened her. Nobody had to know about this. She would keep quiet, and put this all behind her. After letting out a few shaky breaths, Kate turned on her car and drove home.
It was a month before Kate told anyone. Ben had been bragging about sleeping with her (except leaving out the part that it was rape…), and Kate tried desperately to deny this.

Samantha was Kate’s best friend at the time, and she could tell something was up. Kate didn’t like keeping her friend in the dark, but it was painful to remember that night. When she finally broke down and told her, Samantha did the unexpected, she called Kate a liar.

“Kate, that’s fucking low!” Samantha said with anger in her voice. “I know you have always had a crush on him, but calling him a rapist isn’t gonna get you guys together.”

“I am telling the truth Sam…” Kate whispered, eyeing the door a few feet away. Sam shook her head in disbelief and pointed the door.

“Get the fuck out! I am done with all your lies…” her voice rang in Kate’s ears.

From then on Kate was alone. It spread around school that she was a slut. People she didn’t know knew her as the girl who slept around, and then said she was raped. School was hell for her, caused by her ex- best friend and the guy who raped her.

This went on for months; by this time she already knew she was pregnant. Her stomach protruded slightly from abdomen, and she hadn’t had her period in a while. The baby was coming, and Kate was almost excited. This baby would love her unconditionally, and it would be the one person Ben wouldn’t be able to get to.

The school was abuzz with more gossip when she started showing enough to be noticed. It seemed that people wanted to confront her but only one person actually did.

In the empty hallway Ben pressed her shoulders forcefully against the wall.

“Is that baby mine?” he asked angrily. Kate shrugged.

“I don’t know…” she lied. Maybe he would believe that. Maybe he would leave them both alone.

“What do you mean you don’t know? How many other guys have you fucked?” He hissed.

“I HAVEN’T fucked anyone! I was raped remember! Or maybe you forgot!” Kate screeched loudly. Ben’s eyes narrowed. He was challenging her.

“Fuck you…” he said before shoving his fist into her stomach. Kate doubled over in pain. The baby was jostling now. She slid onto the floor and clutched her stomach protectively.

Ben responded with a hard kick to her abdomen. A dark red stain began forming on the crotch of her pants.

“My baby!” she wailed as she watched a pool of blood form under her legs. Ben took off in a sprint down the hallway toward the exit doors. “MY BABY! SOMBODY PLEASE HELP!” She screamed hoping that a teacher would hear her. A janitor came running around the corner to see who was yelling. “Please, sir, can you help me get to the hospital. My baby… OH god!!!!!!” She was trying to remain calm but a contraction hit her right toward the end.

The janitor looked apprehensive but picked her up and carried her to the nurse’s office. They called an ambulance, and she was whisked away to the hospital.

After being raped, deserted, and pregnant; Kate was now dealing with the pain of losing her unborn child. A tragedy to say the least, if anyone actually cared. To the school she was just a teenager who got an abortion. A baby killer.

As her 18th birthday was approaching her parents decided maybe she should change schools. If she could just graduate in peace she would be happy. Kate gladly changed schools starting her senior year with no friends, and a severely damaged mental state.

Her reputation had even reached the far corners of this school. She was without friends again, but she was happily without Ben.