Categories > Celebrities > Panic! At The Disco > Pastel Photos


by Leigh_Ashworth

Spencer sort of gives his confessions.

Category: Panic! At The Disco - Rating: NC-17 - Genres: Angst,Crossover,Drama - Published: 2007-11-28 - Updated: 2007-11-29 - 2483 words - Complete

Sequel to Pastel Photos
By: Leigh_Ashworth

Waking up is not something Spencer liked to do especially since he was on the road a lot. He stretched and pushed the blanket away, sitting up as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes. It has been three weeks since his suicide attempt and he felt exhausted. He was overjoyed that his friends saved him from himself, yet he was too embarrassed to be around them for any length of time. He felt ashamed, as if he had let them down and he hated himself for it. As a group they decided to keep his problems away from the press and the fans, even though he didn’t want to hurt them (the fans). He also knew he wasn’t ready to tell anyone, not even Ryan, who was like a brother. Also they decided to stop touring so that his wounds would heal properly.

Ryan had taken it upon himself to personally watch Spencer’s every move. He even went to the bathroom with him and has slept in bed with him. To Spencer it was becoming annoying, but he knew that Ryan just worried about him. Spencer also knew that he had lost some trust from Ryan and that hurt him too. Ryan wouldn’t speak to him either, which he knew was hard for him. The silence that came from Ryan hurt far worse than what he did to himself. He knew Ryan wasn’t angry or mad, but the silence still hurt.

Spencer passed by the living room hearing the voices of his friends and chooses not to look at them as they called his name, and headed straight for the kitchen. Since they were in Chicago for their tour and their friends from Fall Out Boy were in town as well, they decided to stay at Pete’s apartment. He knew that they were just as worried as his bandmates and he felt like a child around them, being the youngest made it even worse. He moved past Jon and grabbed a coffee mug, he knew they left for him and poured him some coffee. After he fixed it the way he wanted, he took a sip. Taking his coffee he left the kitchen and headed back to the bedroom that Pete gave him for the time being. He took another sip and turned toward the bedroom only to be stopped by Ryan, who in turn had his arms crossed and looking upset.

“What?” Asked Spencer as he took another sip of his coffee.

“We need to talk.” Ryan said as he took Spencer’s empty hand and places something cool and sharp in it. Spencer was surprised to finally hear his voice, but what Ryan handed him caused him to drop hi cup of coffee. It was the exact razor he used to off himself just three weeks ago. Tears welled up in his eyes as he looked up to Ryan only to find him gone. Spencer looked at the razor again, wishing it not to be there. He then realized how quiet the room had become, and he didn’t like it. He suddenly wished the floor would open up and swallow him. Spencer looked up at the group of guys that just stood there looking at him. So he dropped the razor and ran for the bathroom locking himself in. He leaned against the door and slide down to the floor bringing his knees to his chest and wrapping his arms around them. Knocks on the door, and voices yelling for him, drowned out his own anguished voice as he cried.
The noise from the hall caused Ryan to come back out of the room he shared with Spencer to see why he hadn’t followed him and why everyone was yelling for him.
“Where’s Spencer?” he asked looking at Patrick who was watching Jon and Brendon try to get Spencer out of the bathroom. Looking away from Brendon and Jon as Brendon started pounding on the door; Patrick turned to look at Ryan. “He locked himself in the bathroom. What did you hand him?”

Ryan didn’t respond only just walk past and place a hand on Brendon’s shoulder to stop him from pounding. Brendon turned and looked at Ryan then back at the door. “What the fuck did you give him, Ryan?” Brendon hissed out. Again, Ryan didn’t answer only moving closer to the door. “Spencer?” he said softly. The crying that could now be heard slowly came to a stop. “Spencer can you unlock the door, please your making us worry.” Said Ryan as his hand reached for the doorknob. Click. Ryan smiled slightly and turned the knob to push open, only to find that the door wouldn’t budge. “Spence, I still can’t open the door your blocking it.” Ryan said waiting for Spencer to move. A minute passed, Ryan felt the knob move as Spencer went to open it. The door open slightly and Spencer stuck out his head.

“What so you could either yell at me or hand me another razor?” Spencer said as tears fell down his cheek, the hurt in his voice was very apparent. Ryan looked taken aback and responds harshly. “What? When I picked your clothes of the floor to wash, it dropped out of your pocket. Why do you still have it?” he said as the bathroom door slammed shut and the lock click once again.
‘It none of your business Ryan,” Spencer said from behind the door. “Just leave me alone.”
“None of my business; excuse me but it is my business when my best friend is caring a razor around, when three weeks ago he tried to kill himself.” Ryan said angrily at the door. “Open this fucking door.”
“Fuck off Ryan.” Spencer said.
“Not until you grow up.” Ryan retorted.
The door slammed open and their once shy and quiet Spencer was in Ryan's face, his fist clenched. "You are such an ass. Why did I ever consider you as a friend? You don't respect me at all....."

"No!" interrupted Ryan. "I don't listen bullshit whining, which of course your really good at." These words just angered Spencer, so he acted on pure emotion. Ryan soon found himself on the floor, shocked from being punched so hard by his best friend. "Fine, if that's how you feel about me, I quit." Spencer said looking down at Ryan, then back up to the others. "I mean it. I quit. Find yourselves a new drummer." Spencer moved from the doorway of the bathroom and pushed his way through Patrick and Jon roughly, stalking to the bedroom, slamming it shut.
The words 'I quit' rang through the ears of everyone who stood there around Ryan. Who was still on the floor only this time instead of anger or surprise like moments ago, tears were flowing down his cheek.

Brendon and Jon looked accusingly at Ryan before turning to the bedroom where Spencer was. Brendon slowly opened the door to find Spencer angrily packing his bags. "Spencer can we ta...."
"No." Spencer said before Brendon could finish. 'Just leave me alone, Brendon."

Brendon ignored the latter and walked fully into the room and over to Spencer to make him stop packing his stuff. "Stop please. All I want to do is talk." Brendon said soothingly, placing the clothes Spencer was packing on an old chair in the room. He then led Spencer to the bed to sit and talk.
'Brendon, please I just want to leave." Spencer said trying not to cry, as tears welled up in his eyes.
"Please don't," Brendon said also trying not to cry. "You’re the best Spence; we'll never find another person like you. We need you. I, for one, won't take anyone else if you leave. Besides who else will hangout with Andy and practice different beats with?" Brendon smiled at the little joke he made. Spencer listened, but didn't say anything. Jon then stepped through the door and came to sit on the otherside of Spencer.
"Brendon’s right Spence; we won't take any other drummer, but you. What Ryan said was out of line, he shouldn't have said what he did." Jon said placing a hand on Spencer's shoulder.
Spencer shook his head. "You don't understand, what Ryan said was true. I bought that razor a long time ago. And I could find some time alone I was going to try again."
Brendon and Jon were astounded to hear this confession from Spencer. "Why? What would make you want to do this?" Brendon asked reaching for Spencer's hand and showing the wound stitched and healing. Spencer looked at his wrist and thought about his reason for self infliction. “I did it because someone I thought I loved hurt me."
Jon and Brendon shared a look before turning back to Spencer. "Who did what to you, Spence?"
"I don't want to talk about it." Spencer said looking down at the floor.

A knock at the door made the three on the bed look up. It was Ryan.

Brendon spoke up first. "What do you want?" Ryan didn't answer him, he just looked at Spencer. "Ryan either answer Brendon or leave. You've said enough already" said Jon not looking at Ryan but Spencer.
Spencer looked away from Ryan not even wanting to look at him. "I'm sorry Spence." said Ryan coming fully into the room shutting the door behind. Spencer put his face in his hands not wanting to be here, just anywhere else. He heard footsteps coming closer, and then out of nowhere he heard a loud thud and felt something heavy fill his lap. "I'm so sorry." came Ryan's muffled voice, crying almost as hard as when he lost his father. Spencer sat there listening to Ryan cry and thought about his reason for attempting death. He placed a hand on Ryan's head petting his hair, for he had nothing he could say to Ryan. Especially since he was still somewhat angry at him. After a while Ryan calmed enough to steady his tears and lifted his head looking up at his first friend he ever had. "I'm so sorry, Spence for what I did earlier. I was stupid and yet worried and afraid. I was confused as to why you still had that thing that almost took you from me, from us." he said his tears drying on his cheeks. This had both Brendon and Jon in tears, for what Ryan had said was true. Why kept the one thing that almost took their Spencer away from them? Why?
A few tears escaped and ran down Spencer's cheek single file.

"I don't know how or if I could tell you." Said Spencer as he moved to stand and stepping over Ryan he went toward the door only to stop and turn around. "It's hard. I've really been able to tell anyone, for fear of being rejected; especially by you, Ryan."

"Spencer we're your friends, you should be able to tell us anything."Brendon said standing up himself.

"Brendon you don't understand, Ryan doesn't even know this about me and he's known me since we were kids." Spencer replied looking away from his bandmates.
Ryan was again surprised. He stood up and went over to Spencer. "Your gay aren't you?"

Both Brendon and Jon's mouth dropped open at what Ryan had just said, but their biggest surprise was Spencer's answer.

"Why didn't you just tell us?" Ryan asked.
"Well the look on their faces is one reason." Spencer said making Ryan look over his shoulder at the shocked looks that graced Jon and Brendon's faces. Though Jon was quick to recover. Jon got up from his spot on the bed and walked up to Spencer. "Spencer, I could care less if you were gay, straight or in between. I care about only you, we all care about you. You scared us when we found you on the floor bleeding half to death. You need to open up to us, tell us what going on."
Spencer looked at Jon and smiled. Brendon then walked over and put his arm around Spencer. "Spence your part of this little family, hell even Pete, Joe, Patrick and Andy consider you family. Doing what you did scared all of us. If there is ever anything you need, don't hesitate to ask for it. And finally something you really need to know."

"What?" Spencer asked looking confused.
"We love you, Spence." Said Ryan smiling.
"Yes, we do." Jon said as Brendon hugged Spencer making Ryan and Jon join.

Brendon, Ryan and Jon held onto Spencer for a good measure of time to show him how much they cared for him.
Spencer fidgeted to show he wanted to end the hug. The rest smiled knowing that Spencer was ready to talk.
"So Spence, tell us, why did you do it?" Brendon asked getting serious.
Spencer smiled slightly at Brendon. “Let’s wait...."
The others were shocked. They thought he was ready. Ryan and Jon shared a look Brendon just stared."...until the rest of my supposed family is with us so that they don't feel left out." Spencer finished smiling and laughing at the looks on their faces.

Ryan caught on to what Spencer meant and said, "Well then let’s not keep them waiting." Brendon and Jon smiled nodding. The group left the bedroom together and came into the livingroom where their friends were sitting; waiting.

"Is everything okay?" Patrick asked looking up when they entered.

"Yes everything is fine, but I need to explain to everyone why I did what did." Spencer said coming up to Patrick. “I’m sorry for pushing you and Jon earlier. I was mad at Ryan and you guys were in the way I sorry for it. Can you forgive me?"

"Yes of course. Spencer you went through a lot since your attempt, so don't worry about it." said Patrick as Spencer sat down to hug his friend. Spencer then pulled away and turned to the rest. “Guys I'm sorry for the way I acted today. I just have a lot going on in my head right now."
Murmurs of "its okay." resounded in the room. Spencer sat back trying to get comfortable. Ryan automatically sat on the arm of the sofa where Spencer sat next to Patrick, to give him some support.

Spencer took a deep breath knowing that this would take a while. So he gathered his thoughts quickly, thinking of what should be said first. He knew starting at the beginning would be the best place to start.
"Well I guess the first thing I should say is..." he said stopping in mid sentence.
"Well what is it?" Asked Pete.
".... I'm gay." Spencer said smiling.

To Be Continued..........
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