FicWad

Author's Note: My readers may be aware I have never delved into 3X9 territory before now, and that I have fairly strong feelings where shota issues are concerned, but when Goku and Sanzo are projected into the future, and one is thirty years old, and the other nearly twenty-five, it becomes another thing entirely….

This story was a birthday giftfic written to order for my dear friend Kambeiadoro, and she was nice enough to allow me to share.



MORE THAN ENOUGH

Goku sighed as he stopped at the gates of Keiun Temple and looked at the grounds and buildings in front of him. He thought about the old cliché that people always supposedly said when visiting their old schools and family homes: “It looked so much bigger then, back then, when I was small...” and he realized this place was as close to a both a family home and school as he had ever had. And it did, in point of fact, look smaller to him now as he returned to it after being away at college for three years.

With Sanzo and schoolteacher Hakkai’s help and tutelage, Goku had managed to finish his equivalency diploma quite easily, and had done it fairly soon after the Sanzo ikkou’s famed Journey to the West had finally ended triumphantly four years ago. He had been surprised how easy it had been, and had been pleased to realize that he had absorbed more from his years of living with his three adult mentors than just fighting skills and an expansive vocabulary of colorful curse words. They had all been proud to see him go off to University when he did, and had been very encouraging over the years as he pursued his studies in Philosophy and Logic. He had chosen that particular major because it would leave his options open for the two career paths he had narrowed his choices down to. One path was to go into Law, in which case his major would make an excellent pre-law program, and the other was to follow Sanzo into the priesthood at Keiun. He had a lot of thinking to do before he made his final choice between the two, and his inclination changed from day-to-day at this point.

He didn’t get to come home often, as the University was quite distant from Keiun, and the scholarship provided by the Sanbutsushin, while adequate, was not extravagant enough to cover frequent trips home. He had really missed Sanzo, Gojyo, and Hakkai, especially in the beginning. They were the closest thing to a family he had ever had, and the time spent together on the Journey West had brought them all very close, and had bonded them in a way very few families ever did, and he missed each one of them in their own way.

He really missed having Hakkai constantly looking out for him, and it hadn’t taken long to realize how much he had taken for granted the healer’s constant attention to minor details like keeping his clothes mended, and making sure he didn’t eat too much junk food. He also really missed having Hakkai around to answer the sensitive, personal questions that he couldn’t ask the other two, and certainly couldn’t bring himself to ask the new friends he had made at school.

He missed Gojyo every time he felt like he needed some exercise- that’s when he would wish he had his favorite sparring partner nearby. When he was in a silly mood and just felt like sharing a laugh with someone, he would always think of Gojyo, and how they shared similar sophomoric senses of humor about things that totally escaped Sanzo and Hakkai. And there was nobody better than the watersprite to pick a fight with if you were having a bad day and needed to take it out on somebody.

And then there was Sanzo… his sun as he had called him as a child. He remembered very little now of all those years in his prison in the side of he mountain, other than cold, and hunger, and a slow torturing death by loneliness that was unchanging and relentless until the day Sanzo arrived. On that day as he reached out to the hand that came through his bars, and his chains fell away, the sunlight that flooded his barren cell took on meaning, and he was free. Since that day Sanzo’s presence had never ceased to hold magic for Goku - he had been a miracle to him then, and he always would be, no matter how cranky and mean he was at times, or how many times over the years he had whacked him with that damned harisen of his. Sometimes the sun disappeared behind clouds… even for days or weeks at a time, but it was still there, still the sun. That was how Sanzo had always been for Goku… he never doubted his guardian’s love for him, even though there were times when he might not hear it or feel it.

He had endured Sanzo’s dark moods over the years, and come to understand fairly early on that they had nothing to do with him, but rather were related to his memories of his own painful childhood and adolescence, memories that haunted him, particularly on rainy days. It always tormented Goku to see Sanzo sink so low on those bleak days he inevitably suffered, both during and after the Journey, but he learned early in the trip that there was little anyone could do for Sanzo when those moods struck him, other than stay out of his way and make sure he had sufficient coffee and cigarettes in as unobtrusive a manner as possible. Somehow, as Goku had grown older, Sanzo’s volatile temper and his dark moods only served to endear the monk to him. For really, in the long run, it was so much easier to care about and love a fallible, vulnerable human being than it was to orbit around a god.

Goku smiled and resumed his hike up the long path to the temple. He was so pleased to be coming home this trip – not only was it the beginning of the long break between the spring and fall semesters, but there was a particularly happy reason for him to hurry directly to the temple as soon as his final exams were ended this time. Gojyo and Hakkai, who had begun a special friendship the day the hanyou had first brought the desperately injured Cho Gonou into his home that rainy day those long years ago, had slowly and relentlessly fallen in love with each other over the course of the Journey and its adventures. In the years since the Journey ended, they had returned to live together in Gojyo’s cabin, and their relationship had matured and deepened. They had decided to make a formal commitment to each other in the eyes of the Buddha and their friends, with the blessing of Priest Genjyo Sanzo the 31st Houshi-sama presiding: Gojyo and Hakkai were getting married, and Goku couldn’t be happier.

He broke into a grin as he saw Hakuryu parked outside Sanzo’s quarters, and as he patted the jippu’s fender it quickly transformed and with a happy “kyuu!!” landed on his shoulders.

“Hello, old friend,” he said, “long time, no ride!” and scratched the little dragon lovingly under his fuzzy white chin as he proceeded inside. Sanzo was seated in his windowseat perch as usual – Goku mused how somehow he managed to find one of those everywhere he went - and Hakkai and Gojyo were hunkered over legal pads and papers strewn across the small dining table in Sanzo’s personal quarters.

“Oi! Cockroach! Haven’t you gotten a job yet?!” Goku teased as he came into the room, tossing his knapsack on the battered couch.

Gojyo stood and tried his familiar gesture of hooking his elbow around Goku’s neck and knuckling his head, not so easy now that they stood at nearly the same height.

“Ehhh!! Saru!! Welcome home! Naa, who’s gonna hire an old reprobate ex-mercenary like me? I just live off of my sugar-daddy here, just his boy toy…” He stood behind Hakkai and rested his hands lovingly on his shoulders.

“Don’t believe him, Goku,” Hakkai said as he stood. He extended his hand to Goku to shake it and then pulled him into a hearty hug. “He has been working himself to death with his freelance landscaping business… and doing quite well with it, too. He just put in a beautiful koi pond for us. You must come see it... And stay for dinner, of course!” Hakuryu fluttered from Goku to Hakkai’s shoulder and curled around his neck, settling in with a small contented sigh.

“Gods, it’s good to see you guys,” Goku beamed, crossing the room to sit next to Sanzo in the windowseat. He placed his hand gently on Sanzo’s knee and looked at him, soft gold eyes questioning violet. “Sanzo, how are you doing?”

Sanzo pulled his hand away quickly and touched Goku’s hand in a quick and peremptory fashion, saying “Fine, saru,” in a monotone voice as he looked away, as if there was suddenly something important going on outside the window. Goku glanced out and saw only the usual walkways and gardens, the willows with their new pale leaves, and the sakura trees just now coming into full bloom - nothing that demanded the priest’s sudden attention. He turned to Hakkai and Gojyo and looked at them questioningly, hoping for some kind of explanation of the priest’s unusually cold reception.

Hakkai rose from the table again, smiling and gathering the legal pads and papers into a neat pile. “Well, Sanzo, I think that is as far as we can go with the plans for the ceremony. I think we pretty well have everything covered, but if you think of anything we have missed, please let me know as soon as possible.”

Sanzo turned his gaze to Hakkai and Gojyo. “No… it’s fine. I think we’re ready. See you Saturday.” Again, his voice was flat and devoid of emotion as he lit one cigarette from the one he was smoking and stubbed the spent one out in the full ashtray by his side.

Gojyo stood, placing his hand on the small of Hakkai’s back, and moved towards the door.

“Later, monk. Oi, saru, why don’t you walk out with us?... We can fill you in on the ceremony as we walk.” He caught Goku’s eye and it was understood that explanations would be forthcoming.

They said their goodbyes to Sanzo, who barely registered it or responded, and left for a walk in the gardens on the other side of the Temple.

As soon as they were out of earshot of Sanzo’s quarters, Goku couldn’t hold back his concern any longer, “Hey, guys, what gives? This doesn’t seem like his usual rainy-day blues shit… what the hell is going on here?”

“We wish we knew, Goku,” Hakkai replied, sadly shaking his head, “he’s been like this for weeks, months actually. He won’t eat, he’s smoking far too much, he has withdrawn from as many of his activities and responsibilities as he possibly can here in the temple – basically taken a leave of absence without leaving. He stays in that damn room and stares out the window- day in and day out. It’s really starting to scare me Goku… and needless to say, he refuses to talk to anyone about it at all. He just shuts me down cold any time I approach him.”

Goku considered a minute, “when did all this start?”

Gojyo spoke up, “I first noticed it when we brought him over for New Year’s. He was about as much fun as a fart in church. Just sat there and made a few cryptic depressing comments about time passing. Since then he has been getting weirder and weirder.”

“I think it may be a combination of things, Goku… These things usually are… I’m hoping you can get him to talk to you a little, perhaps. He does care for you so, more than anyone, truly. If we could just crack that shell of his, just a little… find out what is eating at him…”

“Yeah…” Goku thought out loud, “it has to be more than just his usual stuff from his past, he’s never been this bad for this long… “ He thought back, “January…December… His birthday? I wonder if that had anything to do with it? I felt bad that I wasn’t able to be home to be with him for it this time.”

“Goku…” Hakkai replied slowly, his green eyes narrowed and dark with concern, “I think you may have just given us our first significant clue. That wasn’t just any birthday – that was Sanzo’s thirtieth birthday… I remember him telling me on the trip one night around the campfire he didn’t worry about the future because he was sure he would never live to see thirty. Oh my gods… That has to be part of it, at least…”

Gojyo snorted a derisive laugh, “The monk’s got himself a full-blown mid-life crisis. Maybe we should have the Sanbutsushin requisition him a red sports car.. or a couple of hookers?”

Hakkai punched him in his upper arm and looked at him derisively, “I hardly think that is an appropriate solution to the problem, Gojyo. Really.”

“Well,” Goku said, sighing, “at least it gives me some idea what I am dealing with… I can try to talk to him… Do you think he is really going to be able to perform the ceremony?”

Hakkai shook his head slightly and pursed his lips in deep concern. “That’s another strange thing, Goku… When we first talked about it over a year ago, he was all for it, he thought it was a wonderful idea – said he was happy for us and would be glad to perform the ceremony, honored even. But getting him to talk about it here recently and commit to do anything has been like pulling teeth. We almost thought about asking someone else to do it, but we didn’t want to hurt his feelings.”

“Oh, no,” Goku said, “he loves you guys. I know this is something he would want to do if he was thinking straight. Let me see what I can do, Ok? Don’t worry.”

Gojyo ruffled his hair and yanked Goku’s shirttail out of his jeans pulling him upward off of the ground, laughing raucously as he did. “Since when did our bakasaru get so all-fired mature, that’s what I want to know. This is creeping me out! I want the stupid little chibi chimp back that I can beat up and heckle!”

Hakkai laughed and smiled sincerely, thinking proudly of how his young friend had changed. “I think that ship has sailed, Gojyo dear. Our Goku has grown up. He’s quite a young man now.”

They strolled back to the parking lot, chatting first about the ceremony and then just small talk, and wistfully noted the beautiful sunset in the west as they said their goodbyes for the day. Goku promised them he would be in touch before they came for the rehearsal Saturday if there was any news. He got a bit of a lump in his throat as he watched Hakuryu roll off towards the Temple gate with his friends. There would always be part of him that missed their days on the road, part of him that longed to still be back in that back seat with Gojyo, watching Sanzo’s blonde hair fluttering in the wind in front of him, fighting over meat buns with the kappa, and wondering what their next adventure would be.

But you can’t go backwards in life, he reminded himself as he returned to Sanzo’s quarters, only forward, nothing for it but to press on. If he had learned only one lesson during the Journey to the West, it was that, perseverance… when things are hard, one must endure, strive and persevere. Only through mountainous perseverance had the Sanzo party overcome the obstacles that had come before them in their endeavor to stop the Minus Wave from destroying Shangri-la. And his task at hand now was to help his best friend and mentor, to try his best to save Sanzo from whatever it was that seemed to be crippling his heart so badly.

He found Sanzo unmoved from where he had been when he had left the room earlier, and he crossed the room quietly and sat opposite him in the windowseat. He studied him critically for a moment and realized the priest had changed significantly since he last saw him: he was considerably thinner and paler, his face had grown gaunt, his hair - normally so shiny - was lank and shaggy, and his amethyst eyes had a flat washed-out look. If Hakkai had not assured him that Sanzo’s physical health was not really in danger, other than from his poor diet and smoking too much, Goku would have been positive that he was quite ill.

He decided to take a bit of time, knowing how reclusive Sanzo was even on his best days, to give the misanthropic healer time to adjust to even having him around again, before he started trying to get into his head. He went to his backpack and got one of his school books he had brought home, and returned to the windowseat and quietly started reading.

A few hours later, when he was hungry, he simply went to the temple refectory, where of course they remembered them quite well. He hadn’t bothered to ask Sanzo what he wanted – he knew what the answer would be. When he had finished his meal he asked the staff for a pot of coffee, a bowl of rice, and some fresh fruit on a tray. When they had it prepared he returned to the room and simply set the tray next to Sanzo on the windowseat. Several minutes later apparently the smell of the coffee permeated Sanzo’s daze, and he poured himself a cup and sipped it, but said nothing.

Goku continued his reading for a couple more hours and went out into the night for a restless walk before bed. He came back and found Sanzo dozing in the windowseat, and noticed with a smile that a few pieces of the fruit and a few bites of rice were missing. A small victory, but he would take what he could get. He pulled a small folded blanket – Goku recognized it as one of the old camp blankets - off of the bed and gently put it over Sanzo. He slipped off his jeans and slipped on some drawstring shorts, and fell onto the old couch, hugging to him one of pillows off of Sanzo’s bed. He smelled the familiar smells of Sanzo on the pillow as he drifted off to sleep, of cigarettes, and sandalwood from his shampoo, and smiled as the memories of better times with his sun ghosted through his head.

The next morning Goku resolved to take a slightly more proactive approach in his intervention with the priest. He determined first thing in the morning, as he sat next to Sanzo on the windowseat with yet another tray of coffee, rice, and fruit, that one of the activities Sanzo had been neglecting in his depression was bathing… he obviously was in need of one. Goku knew that was not a good sign, because even in their most dire of straits on the Journey, Sanzo had always been fanatical about his hygiene. He resolved to remedy the situation immediately and ran a hot bath in the old claw tub in the small bathroom adjoining Sanzo’s quarters. He located everything he needed and then went to Sanzo’s side.

“Sanzo, you need a bath.”

“Hn.. Go away.”

“Sanzo, you stink. You need a bath. Now.”

“Fuck you.”

“Whatever. You need a bath. I have one ready. You aren’t going to run me off by cursing at me or hitting me with the fan, and you aren’t going to shoot me. I’m just as stubborn as you are, and you know it. Now come on.” He pulled at Sanzo’s hand to try to get him to follow him into the bathroom.

“Fuck off. Leave me alone.”

Goku glared at him, “Sanzo… either you come with me into that bathtub, right now, or I am going to run screaming through this whole fucking temple right now, yelling ‘Priest Genjyo Sanzo the 31st smells like old underwear!! He won’t take his bathies like a good boy!!’ at the top of my lungs. And I’ll do it, too.” He looked at Sanzo with his eyes narrowed and his mouth set in a grim line.

At his threat, Sanzo’s head turned and his eyes opened a little wider, and he made real eye contact with Goku momentarily for the first time since he had arrived. He looked at him a minute, dropped his head a little, and said in a low voice, “yeah, you know… I’ll just bet you’d love to do that wouldn’t you?” as he stood and walked slowly towards the bathroom.

Goku followed him in and started helping him out of his robe.

“Tch. I’m not an infant. I can manage to take a bath myself,” he groused.

“You took care of me all those years,” Goku chided him gently, “let me pamper you a bit now, ok?”

He stood there mute while Goku continued undressing him, and then slid into the tub, something between a hiss and a sigh escaping him as the steaming hot water hit his flesh.

“Feels good, doesn’t it?” Goku grinned. “Now just lie back here and relax. Close your eyes and just relax.” He sat on a small stool behind the tub and started pouring dippers of hot water over Sanzo’s hair, wetting it well, and then poured a small amount of his sandalwood shampoo into his hand. As he began to lather the priest’s blonde hair he could hear small sounds of contentment coming from Sanzo, and he smiled to himself. Once he had it lathered well, he rinsed it and put in a small amount of some leave-in conditioner of his own, hoping it would bring back some of its former sheen.

He took the washcloth and soap and started washing the monk’s body. He marveled how, though he was thinner, he was still so muscular even though it was over four years now since their trip had ended. He got his hands slithery with soap and tried to massage some of the knots out of the tense muscles of Sanzo’s neck and shoulders, trying desperately to ignore the feelings of heat pooling in his own groin from all the physical nearness to his naked sun. He blushed as he ran his hands over the older man’s shoulders and back, and was grateful that the wall of the tub was between him and Sanzo, hiding the shameful swelling in his shorts that he couldn’t seem to will away. When he finally gave Sanzo the cloth and soap to finish his ablutions himself, the priest was so relaxed he was almost asleep in the tub. When he finished Goku had him stand and toweled him off briskly, swiftly covering Sanzo’s privates so there would be as little provocation as possible for him to embarrass himself any further. He handed Sanzo a clean pair of jeans and his black top and armwarmers from his dresser, and left the bathroom quickly.

Goku was not surprised at his reaction, but still dismayed by it. He had always responded to Sanzo sexually, since his first stirrings in his adolescence. His first wet dream, which had scared him speechless, had been of being in an onsen with Sanzo. Fortunately Gojyo had been helping him roll up his sleeping bag that morning, and had quickly picked up on the situation, and had explained it all to him in a way that made him feel so much better.

As time had gone on during the course of the Journey, and Goku had continued to grow and mature, during the period when he normally would have been mingling with kids his age, he of course had primarily the three adult men for companionship (although Gojyo’s adult status could be debated on occasion.) Once their romantic relationship had become known, Hakkai and Gojyo had explained it to Goku, and consequently he had grown to maturity in an environment where men loving men was every bit as normal and acceptable as men and women. So as his feelings for Sanzo continued to grow, although he never acted upon them, neither did he feel they were dirty or sinful. He simply considered that the age difference was too great, and that maybe someday when he was grown Sanzo would see him as an equal, and maybe not. It simply was what it was.

He had tried dating in college, and had had a few tentative physical relationships with both men and women, but none of them had held any significant emotional pull for him. His heart was always back in Keiun somehow, no matter how hard he tried to fight it.

He looked at Sanzo as he came out of the bathroom. He seemed a little less…clenched… so better now or never, he thought, as the priest crossed back to his usual perch and lit a cigarette. He sat opposite Sanzo in the windowseat and took a deep breath, slowly letting it out and summoning the best words he could find to approach him.

“Sanzo, I’m sorry I couldn’t come home for your birthday last year,” he said tentatively.

“No problem,” came the terse reply.

“But it was a problem. That was your thirtieth birthday... That was important and I’m really sorry I missed it. I should have been here.”

Silence. Beat. Beat. Beat. He heard the blood rushing in his ears as he waited for Sanzo to answer him.

“Really… not a problem,” between gritted teeth this time.

Goku touched Sanzo’s leg gently, and tried to get him to look at him. “Yeah, it is a problem, Sanzo. And I think that birthday is at least part of what’s bothering you, y’know? I want to help… I wish you would talk to me….” He heard a faint whiff of desperation and a trace of a whine creeping into his voice and tried to reign it in, knowing it was the surest way to turn off the sullen priest.

Silence.

He knew better than to push the monk too much too fast.

“Ok, Sanzo, I am going to be right here on the couch reading… if you decide you feel like talking… let me know. Ok?”

Silence.

He grabbed his book and flopped out on the couch, his heart in his throat. It was still hard for him to confront Sanzo about things, even as an adult, even after all these years. Basically it was still hard in some ways for him to think of himself and Sanzo as equals, as both adults now, but it was getting easier, especially when he saw Sanzo like this.

About an hour later he heard Sanzo shift in his seat uneasily.

“I never thought I’d see it.” His voice was small and distant, almost like that of a small, scared child.

Goku sat up quickly, uncertain of what he had heard, “Excuse me, Sanzo?”

“That birthday… I never thought I would see it.”

Goku got up and quickly walked to Sanzo and sat on the bed across from him so he could look directly into his eyes as they talked, if he could get the sad priest to look at him, and not stare out the window as he was now. He gently touched his knee to let him know he was there.

“Why was that, Sanzo…?” he questioned gently.

“Dunno… Koumyuu, I guess.. and the Journey… didn’t expect to survive it… some river rat,” he laughed a small bitter laugh. “I shouldn’t have survived to even make it to Koumyuu in the first place…why me?… and then when he….” Sanzo’s voice cracked, and his words continued to come out as disjointed thoughts and phrases that were leaking out of him, as unbidden as the small tears that were escaping the corners of his eyes. He lit a new smoke from the half-smoked one in his shaky hand. ‘There was nothing I could do…fucking worthless…useless… all that blood and rain …” He shuddered and sighed heavily. “Then when I left to look for the Sutra… so many times… so many deaths… such waste… always figured I’d be just another one of them… sooner or later…”

He turned to look at Goku for a minute, focusing on him, knitting his brows, “I heard a voice. It was you, you wouldn’t shut up… and I couldn’t die… had to stay alive… I was responsible… couldn’t leave you alone again…but I never thought…” his voice trailed off and he looked out of the window again, and grew quiet.

Goku took one of Sanzo’s slender hands in his broad ones and looked down so the priest would not see the tears glistening in his gold eyes if he did happen to turn around. He tried to keep the choking emotion out of his voice as he spoke.

“I know, Sanzo. You have always been here for me- since that first day. And I thank you for it - I’ll never be able to tell you how much I thank you, as long as I live… I know it hasn’t been easy. I haven’t been easy. All those times I turned into the Seiten Taisei… it must have been horrible….” Goku’s head dipped between his broad shoulders as he remembered some of the damage he had done while in his demon form over the years.

Sanzo’s head whipped around and he looked intensely at the young man in front of him. He reached down and pulled Goku’s head up so he had to face him.

“No… No! Don’t ever think that. It’s not you. It’s never been you…” His voice broke again as he sounded overwhelmed with the burden of his words. “My problems… all my problems, not yours.. I’m the fuckup. Not you. Never you.”

He stood and looked at the bed.

“Gods, I’m so fucking …tired. I just want to sleep… for a long time…just… tired of it all.”

Something in the way he said it gave Goku an eerie feeling, and he didn’t like it. He was unwilling to leave Sanzo alone, or let him “sleep” too much any time soon.

“Come on Sanzo, put your robe and sandals on – we’re going for a walk. The sakura trees are beautiful.”

Sanzo glared at him, and Goku glared right back. “Do I have to make another threat like the bath one to get you out for a walk? I will, you know….”

Sanzo lit a cigarette and stuck the pack in his pocket as he grudgingly slipped on his tabi socks and sandals. “When did you get to be such a fucking smart-ass?” he growled resentfully as he shuffled past Goku on his way out the door.

It was a beautiful spring day, and they ambled around the grounds for a while, more like Goku led and Sanzo reluctantly followed. Eventually Goku selected a bench by one of the koi ponds for them to sit for a bit. He figured as much as Sanzo had apparently been lying about and as poorly as he had been caring for himself, he was probably tiring easily, even though he would die before he would admit it.

Goku pulled some bread he had brought from Sanzo’s uneaten lunch out of a napkin in his pocket and began tossing bits to the birds and squirrels he had known would be there waiting for a handout. Coming to this spot and feeding the animals had been one of his earliest memories from when Sanzo had first brought him to the temple - he remembered vividly marveling at the idea of having so much food around that you could afford to freely share it with all the creatures, and still not have to worry about going hungry. This spot, and feeding the animals, had always been special to him ever since.

He looked up at him to see if there was any crack in the glaze that had covered Sanzo’s face so thoroughly, with so few exceptions (those being during the bath and their brief conversation in the room) since he had arrived, and he saw none – just a flat emotionless mask, staring off into space. He had to try to get through to him again, somehow, to get him to talk about what was eating at him…

“Sanzo….you know…. it’s really not that big of a deal, you being thirty, and all… Shit – do you realize I’m almost 25? It used to seem like you were so much older than me, and now….well, I have lots of friends at college that are five years older than me and I don’t think anything of it, some are lots older than that … Shit, Sanzo, thirty doesn’t mean anything… ‘s just a number…”

He looked up from the squirrel he had been flipping bread to and peered over at the monk to see if his words had made any impression. Sanzo was looking at him strangely, as if he hadn’t seen him in a long time, was studying his face and form. Goku was startled by the unexpected scrutiny and blushed slightly, feeling as if there was a heat from Sanzo’s gaze moving from his face down through his chest, and warming his heart.

Sanzo searched his eyes for a minute longer, and reached out and lightly touched his upper lip, brushing it with his forefinger. “You growing a mustache?” The slight touch caused a shiver to run down Goku’s spine straight to his groin, and he tried very hard to ignore what it did to him.

He forced a laugh in response, “I wish! … No, I’m afraid I’m probably never going to have enough of a beard to really do that successfully. I just got lazy and haven’t shaved for a couple of days. That’s all.”

They sat companionably for several more minutes. Goku was encouraged to press a bit further, to try to get the monk to talk a little more. “Hey, Sanzo… Do you ever miss the days on the Journey?"

Sanzo lit another cigarette and took a couple of slow drags before he sighed and answered. “Sometimes, saru. Yeah.” His eyes scanned the horizon, watching a large flock of red-wing blackbirds winging by.

“Why, Sanzo…why do you miss it… when you do miss it?”

“I guess… I miss the change… every day was new … even though it didn’t always seem like it at the time. Funny how you see things clearer looking back… At the time it seemed like one motel room after another, one youkai fight after another, always in the damned jeep… But when I think back… it seems different. We did so much, saw so much… sometimes too much… But I felt … so ….” His voice trailed off and he looked down at his pants leg and picked at a loose string on the outer seam of his jeans.

“What, Sanzo, you felt so what?” He looked in his eyes, searching for the key to what was tormenting his friend so badly.

“Alive,” he said flatly, his mouth a grim line. He lit another cigarette after grinding the first one under his sandal.

“Sanzo…” he looked into the violet eyes, trying to get him to meet his gaze, “how do you feel now… please tell me.”

Sanzo looked in his eyes and in a voice sounding several times his age of thirty, he simply said “empty.”

“But, Sanzo,” Goku protested, “I thought emptiness was a good thing … It’s one of the goals of Buddhist philosophy... one of the things you strive for…the meaning of The Heart Sutra and non-attainment. You’re the one that taught me that…”

The monk laughed a short bitter laugh. “Guess in the end I’m not even a very good Buddhist, am I? So much for The Great Priest Genjyo Sanzo the 31st yata yata yata,” he said, his voice laden with irony. He stood up and started to stride back towards his quarters, mumbling dejectedly as he left “you should probably tell Gojyo and Hakkai to get someone else to do their ceremony for them. They really don’t want me doing it, trust me.”

Goku leapt up from the bench and ran after Sanzo, grabbing him by the upper arms and turning him to face him, keeping his tight grasp on him the whole time he spoke. He was really operating on intuition and anger more than anything now, and his feelings for the priest and fear for his welfare quickly overthrew all his intentions to reason with him.

“Goddammit, Sanzo that’s bullshit!! You love them and they love you and they want you at that ceremony and you’re gonna fucking be there. You’re the reason Hakkai is still alive or not rotting away as Cho Gonou in some prison. You were there when they first got together... You helped them sort things out after their first big fight... You were the first person they told when they decided to get married… They don’t fucking want anyone else for the ceremony... They want YOU goddammit. It will ruin it for them if you don’t marry them, Sanzo!”

“I’ll ruin it for them if I do. Now let me go.” He pulled out of Goku’s grasp and turned again towards the living quarters. Goku outpaced him and blocked his path.

“Goku. NO. I can’t.” His voice was as immobile as his face, and something in Goku snapped as he looked at that blank mask so cold and artificial in place of the face he had grown so fond over time, even if it was sometimes cranky and cross sometimes. Anything would be better than this flat unrecognizable sham with Sanzo’s body.

“Bullshit!” Goku exploded and without even thinking, his arm had pulled back and he had roundhouse punched him in the face, his cheek actually, hard, certainly not as hard as he could have, given his inherent strength, but hard enough to sting smartly and leave a red splotch on Sanzo’s cheek that would almost certainly be a bruise tomorrow. So agitated he barely realized what he had done, he gripped the monk’s shoulders and pulled him closer so he could not neither escape nor avoid eye-to-eye contact as the younger man ranted on.

“That’s a crock, Sanzo... It’s cowardly and it’s selfish, and the Genjyo Sanzo I know and love would never do anything like that! Not to the people that care about him, not to Gojyo and Hakkai… The Sanzo I know does what has to be done – he cares about his friends and his responsibilities, even when he feels like shit… “ Goku’s hands were shaking now where he gripped the monk’s arms and his voice was clotted with the tears he was trying desperately to hold back.

“My Sanzo drags his ass across the fucking desert to save his sutra and puts his life in danger over and over again to save the lives of his friends... and even strangers, for that matter… The Genjyo Sanzo I know doesn’t hide in his room and just stare out the window when his friends need him for something so important…” He sputtered with frustration. “What’s wrong with you?! Don’t you understand that?? … You…I can’t…You…I just…!!”

Suddenly Goku’s words failed him completely and he impulsively crushed the sad priest to him and abruptly kissed him, dropping his hands from his shoulders and pulling him close. He was so desperate to make him understand, to force him to feel some measure of what he felt, to share at least some degree of what was in his heart in hopes that it would break through the layers of ice surrounding Sanzo in his isolated state. His strong arms encircled the monk with one hand splayed out on his back pushing Sanzo against his chest, into him, and the other threading up into his blonde hair and angling his head to better meet his kiss.

At first Sanzo’s violet eyes flared with sudden shock and alarm, and his body was stiff with protest as he struggled with Goku, pushing back against him when the younger man pulled him into his arms. But as Goku crushed his lips to the priest’s and his soft tongue immediately demanded entrance to his mouth, Sanzo’s body began to relax. He dropped his arms from their defensive posture between them and tentatively slid them around the younger man, his fingers slowly curving around Goku’s narrow waist.

Goku moaned softly as he felt Sanzo’s arms curve around him, The priest began to slide his lips responsively against Goku’s and meet his gentle suckling of his tongue, urging it further into his willing mouth. The saru, emboldened now, deepened his kisses, thrusting his tongue deeply, but slowly and sensuously, over and over into Sanzo’s soft warm mouth.

Suddenly Sanzo broke their embrace and pulled his head back, looking at Goku with a mixture of intense scrutiny and alarm. Whatever he found in Goku’s deep shining amber eyes apparently gave him that one last bit of permission, and felled that final barrier, reassuring him that after all these years this contact between them - that would have been so very wrong before - was finally ok. It was beyond ok- it was opening some door inside Genjyo Sanzo that had slammed shut many, many years ago, and while he found the prospect of opening it now quite frightening in many ways, it also gave his heart a glimmer of something he had not felt in a long time – hope.

Sanzo’s hand slid up Goku’s back, and his slender fingers threaded into Goku’s thick chestnut locks as he gently angled their faces back together for another kiss. They kissed deeply, slowly banking the fire growing between them, learning as they went what felt good both to themselves and to the other, for neither had vast experience, Sanzo even less than Goku. Time seemed to stop for them as they embraced there under the sakura trees, with the petals fluttering down around them. There was only that place, that moment, and what they felt for each other, and that was the entire universe, and it was more than enough.

Unfortunately, as tends to happen all too often, real life intruded too soon – this time in the form of a group of acolytes being herded down the path that ran by the pond. The noise of the group caught Sanzo and Goku’s attention and they looked up from their embrace. It became obvious to them that the group saw them, and they quickly broke apart, both blushing furiously.

As the young novice monks passed by there were a few among them who were blatantly gawking at Sanzo. He raised an eyebrow and shot withering glances at them, snarling, “Tch…see something you like? You want a piece, too?”

Goku turned bright red – again - and waited until the youths had passed to punch Sanzo in the arm, teasing him, “ok, it’s not like I’m not already in enough trouble with the powers that be here for bringing you out in the courtyard without your full vestments on… then these guys see us in a liplock… now you have to go and bait them, too? Come on, I’m getting you inside before you have them locking me up…” He grinned at Sanzo and grabbed his hand, pulling him onto the path back towards his quarters.

As they walked back he made mindless small talk, telling the monk about his studies at school and the goings-on with his friends in the apartment he shared, and he noticed that Sanzo seemed more attentive now, and that it didn’t seem like he was talking into a total vacuum like he had been since he arrived. He wanted badly to take Sanzo’s hand and maintain the magical physical contact between them, but he didn’t dare.

When they entered Sanzo’s quarters, however, he could feel the doors between them begin to slam shut again, and see the veil sliding down back over Sanzo’s face. He cast about furiously in his mind for a way to keep away the darkness that was trying once again to encroach on the priest’s heart. He realized it was now late afternoon and neither of them had eaten all day, and as Sanzo assumed his familiar windowseat repose, he decided that he would try some food and drink as a balm for Sanzo’s soul, or at least as a way to get a foot in the door. He told Sanzo he would be right back, and went to the refectory and had them put together a tray with fresh fish, rice, stir-fried veggies, and a nice bottle of plum wine. He smiled when he looked at the healthy meal, thinking Hakkai would be proud of him, and headed back to the room.

Sanzo sat smoking and staring out of the window as usual, as Goku set out the food and plates on the little table. He poured two glasses of the wine and called Sanzo to come over to the table.

“Not hungry.”

“Sanzo…”

“I’m not hungry.”

“Sanzo, you look like shit, you need to eat. Come on.”

“I don’t…”

“Sanzo!!”

“Oh, for fuck sake, you have gotten to be a real pain in the ass, you know that?” He grudgingly stubbed out his smoke and plodded over to the table. He picked at his food, as usual, until he took a bite of the fish.

“What is this?”

“Well, I suppose it’s fish… it looks like a fish to me,” Goku replied, nonchalantly.

“Smartass. I mean what kind of fish…” he growled.

Goku grinned. “I wondered if you would notice… It’s brook trout. Some of the staff went out on a little fishing expedition earlier today and caught a bunch, and I asked if we could have a couple. Thought it might remind you of ‘back in the day.’ Pretty good aren’t they?”

“Yeah, real good,” Sanzo replied, “it’s been a while.” Goku noted with satisfaction that Sanzo ended up eating at least half of what was on his tray, and all of his fish, thinking it was probably the closest thing to a real meal the priest had had in a very long time. He also drank two glasses of the plum wine, even remarking that he liked it.

After the meal Sanzo was tired and stretched out on his bed, saying he was going to take a little nap. Considering how little sleep he had been getting, Goku wasn’t surprised. He looked at the monk lying on the bed with its stark white covering, and thought how small and how very lonely he looked… and impulse overtook thought once again.

“Hey Sanzo, I’d kind of like a nap too, but that damn couch is really uncomfortable… would you mind if I lay down on the bed too?”

“Sure,” came the sleepy response.

Goku slipped off his sneakers and grabbed the pillow back from the couch and slid onto the bed next to the monk. He surreptitiously watched as Sanzo’s eyelids fluttered shut and he slipped into sleep. He noticed the last rays of the afternoon sun fading outside the window as he dropped off himself.

Goku was first aware of the smell of Sanzo all around of him before he awoke, and remembered before he even opened his eyes that he had been dreaming about him again, the old dream about Sanzo releasing him from his cavernous prison into the bright warm sunlight. He realized to his chagrin that the dream, combined with his being surrounded in the bed by Sanzo’s fragrance, had caused him to wake with a very pronounced erection. As his thinking cleared he remembered where he was, and he opened his eyes as he became aware of a body pressed up against his in the bed. In his sleep Sanzo had apparently snuggled himself up against Goku’s body, and thrown one arm over his chest. Goku looked down at the blonde head, now tousled from sleep, and the fine features, only just beginning to show the first tracings of age in the form of fine lines on the forehead and faint crinkles on the outside of the eyes. He thought how, if he could just get Sanzo back to his former state of heath, and - if not happiness, relative unhappiness - he would wear his age so handsomely. He smiled to himself and kissed the top of the blonde head, softly, hopefully, remembering the gains he had made so far in the course of the day.
Unable to resist, he started stroking the fine blonde hair out of Sanzo’s eyes where it had fallen over his face. He was fascinated with the feel of it, having loved having his hands on it since the first day he had ever seen Sanzo, and he continued to stroke and pet and run his fingers through it like a course comb. As he did this Sanzo sighed softly and shifted towards his touch, startling Goku slightly. When the priest didn’t wake or tell him to stop, he continued, his heart now hammering madly in his chest. He was moving solely on instinct now, not thought, doing what he never dared to hope he could do, not with Sanzo, never with him…

Goku lowered his head nearer to the pale quiet face, where he could feel the soft exhale from Sanzo’s slightly-parted mouth against his skin, and traced the line of the priest’s jaw with his thumb. He ran his forefinger lightly across the arch of his cheekbone, and then brushed it down the bridge of his finely-chiseled nose, marveling at the beauty of this man, which he had never taken for granted – it had taken his breath away the first time he had seen Sanzo, and it took his breath away still. He traced his finger lightly around the seam of Sanzo’s mouth, and was stunned when the violet eyes opened suddenly, looking directly into his own. He knew then that Sanzo had been awake all along, and had been enjoying his touch… not asleep as he had thought.

“Sanzo…I..”

Sanzo shook his head wordlessly and reached up, wrapping his fingers around Goku’s neck and pulling gently to close that last distance between their mouths, sealing them into a kiss. His arms slid around the saru’s back, pulling him over top of him, and it was plain to Goku from his kisses as well as the firmness he detected pressing against his hip that Sanzo’s desire for him was equally inflamed. That knowledge only heightened Goku’s need, being more than he had dared ever hope for, and he groaned as he shifted against Sanzo, frustrated now, wanting more and more because that long-standing dam had now been opened.

“Sanzo… I have to see you… ” His words came out as something between a moan and a command. Sanzo’s eyes grew dark as he stood from the bed. Again wordlessly, he went to the door of his quarters and locked it, pulled the blinds and curtains, turned off all but one small lamp, and returned to the side of the bed near Goku. Holding Goku’s gaze, he stripped off his black top and armwarmers, and paused. He looked at Goku briefly as if giving him one last chance to back away, then undid and stepped out of his jeans and tabi socks. His pale skin shone luminously in the dim light as he stood before Goku, naked, beautiful, and aroused. Goku gasped as he looked at him… he had seen Sanzo’s nude body many times over the years, but never like this, never in this light, never with his mind free to appreciate how just how lovely…never able to look and think about how it will be to touch, to taste, to sample… any minute now… so beautiful…

“Now you…” Sanzo said in a quiet voice.

Goku rose from the bed and quickly shed his jeans and t-shirt, coming to stand next to Sanzo in his boxers. He looked at Sanzo questioningly, and in reply Sanzo reached for his boxers and slowly pulled them down, over his aching erection. Goku pulled Sanzo to him, eager for them to finally be skin-on-skin. He let slip one small moan when Sanzo’s cool skin hit his warm body’s full length, as they finally came together. He cupped Sanzo’s small firm ass with one broad hand, pushing their cocks together as he did, eliciting a small hiss of pleasure from the monk. “Gods…Sanzo… I’ve wanted this so long…I always hoped we would get here….” He almost sang it into the priest’s ear as he pulled him down onto the bed. He smiled as he ran his hands over Sanzo’s body, trying to memorize every inch, every curve… He began to make love to Sanzo’s body with his lips, tongue, and teeth as well as his hands, kissing and suckling a line from his neck downwards. Sanzo arched his back and gasped as Goku laved his nipples tenderly, gently nipping the pale hardening buds. He ran his blunt fingernails gently over the length of the priest’s body, eliciting gooseflesh and little shudders from the him, bringing all his nerve-endings to life as he lay on the cool white sheets.

Goku slid down the bed and kneeled between Sanzo’s legs, bending over him lovingly and kissing the hollow curves of his hips, and the taut muscles of his thighs. He gazed at Sanzo’s face and saw that his eyes had fluttered shut, and his head had fallen back on the pillow. Seeing him that way, the lovely arch of his long pale neck, moved Goku to raise himself again over Sanzo, supporting his weight on his arms, and kiss his neck again and again. Sanzo gasped as he did and as his mouth fell open Goku seized on it and stole one last deep kiss before returning again to kneeling between the houshi’s thighs. Sanzo was focused on him now, his violet eyes intense and steady, his breathing rapid, and Goku held his gaze as he slowly took this man he loved softly inside his lowering mouth. Goku took his time as he rocked over Sanzo, taking him slowly steadily upwards, driving his desire, showing him with his lips and tongue and hands all that he had been holding back for so many years.

Sanzo moaned deep in his throat, and struggled not to arch too roughly into the younger man’s mouth as he spun him closer to that glorious edge. He clutched at Goku’s chestnut hair, but stopped himself for fear of losing control and knocking off the beautiful golden circlet ringing his head, the only thing keeping both of them from certain disaster. Instead he grasped the strong muscles of the saru’s shoulders, kneading them sharply as he spiraled upwards, as the almost unbearable heat grew inside him. He began to lose his grip on this world and feel only the intense explosion bearing down on him through his lover’s skillful mouth and hands.

"I want to make you feel good Sanzo… I want to make you come…come for me, Sanzo.” Goku’s voice was deep and hypnotic as he locked his gaze with the deep violet eyes one last time and swooped his mouth down on Sanzo’s cock to the root. The words were like a mantra for Sanzo, resonating in his mind and focusing it, as the dark fire exploded through him.
"…come for me, Sanzo…” The simple command took him over the brink and his world turned white hot, as he arched his back and cried out with his mouth a long wordless “ooooooooooo.” Goku held his sun’s hips as he spilled his seed deep in his throat, still and silent, his entire body trembling. Joy rocketed through the saru’s heart to be bringing this gift to this being he had held so close in his own heart for so very long. When Sanzo was finally still, Goku slid up his body and held him tightly to his chest, his gold eyes large and moist.

Sanzo lay silent in Goku’s embrace for several minutes, his head nestled in the hollow of Goku’s neck. Goku assumed he had fallen asleep, and was quite content to stay that way, all night if need be. At one point, long after the priest’s breathing had slowed to normal again, Goku thought he saw Sanzo’s shoulders shaking slightly, and he wondered if the monk was dreaming of some humorous moment. But seconds later he noticed his neck felt damp, and realized to his profound dismay that Sanzo was weeping and must have been doing so for some time. Dumbstruck and terribly afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing, he forced himself to think carefully before he acted. “What would Hakkai do?” he thought to himself.

He gently lifted Sanzo’s chin so that he could see the monk’s face, trying to get him to look at him.

“Sanzo…would you like a cigarette? Maybe a glass of wine, too?” he asked in as comforting a voice as he could manage, trying not to sound patronizing.

“Uhm, yeah…” Sanzo mumbled, avoiding Goku’s searching gaze. He gratefully accepted the proffered cigarettes and lighter, and wasted no time lighting up and inhaling deeply as he slid up to rest against the pillows and headboard.
He thought Sanzo might open up more easily if he didn’t have to look him in the eye, so Goku simply slid up next to him, sitting up in the bed and looking across the room at nothing in particular, before he spoke.

“Can you tell me about it?” he asked simply, in a quiet level voice.

Several seconds went by, and he began to think Sanzo wasn’t going to answer him. Finally the priest sighed tiredly, and began to speak haltingly, in a low quiet voice.

“There’s not that much to say, really… I just… well.. I don’t know… about anything anymore…”

Goku prodded him gently. “That’s pretty vague, Sanzo, even for you. Can you be a little more specific?"

Again, a long moment of silence first, and finally spoke again, this time even more quietly - Goku had to strain to hear him. “I feel so fucking alone… all the time… even living here surrounded by all these morons. I just feel so goddamn… alone.“ As his voice trailed off at the end of the sentence Goku could hear his throat was constricted with more tears, and found his own eyes welling with empathy. It took all his restraint not to pull the older man to his chest and enfold him in his arms to try to banish all the hurt in his heart, to try to fill that void.
“But you’ve always said you wanted to be alone, Sanzo… that you needed it. We drove you crazy on the Journey because we were around all the time, you never had enough time alone…”

“This is different, saru…” he said, “that was little day-to-day shit… I’m talking about alone for my life, with my life, fuck….it’s hard to put in words…” He looked down at his lap and ran his finger around the rim of his wine glass. “I guess I had been thinking about it ever since the Journey was over in some ways…, “ his voice got even quieter, “especially since you went away to school…”

He reached for the wine bottle and poured himself another glass and offered Goku one. “But it started to get to me when Gojyo and Hakkai told me they were going to get married. It was one thing for them to be involved, and live together… I’ve always been glad for they found each other…”

He looked at Goku briefly as he spoke, and looked back down at his glass. “But when they decided to make that commitment… official, in front of the Temple, the community … saying ‘we love other each now and forever’ like that… It made me think. What am I missing, not having something like that in my life?” He drank more of his wine and set it down to light another cigarette. Goku noticed his hands were trembling slightly as he did.

“You always seemed so independent, we all just assumed you didn’t need that in your life, Sanzo… I know I did.”

“I suppose I assumed that too, or tried … especially after Koumyuu died. I shut down- figured if I never let myself… feel like that about anyone again, I could never hurt be that much again… But now…” he sighed and took a deep breath, his voice trailing off to a coarse whisper, “fuck…now I wonder…is being …safe…like that…worth spending your whole life… never really being touched by anyone." His composure broke completely and fat tears ran down his cheeks.

Goku turned to face him, and spoke with a clear firm voice. “Sanzo, you must know I’ve loved you since the day you took me out of that mountain prison…”

Sanzo stopped him, “I know, saru, I know you have, and I appreciate it, and maybe someday you will hear a voice of your own and someone will call to you…”

“No, Sanzo, you’re not understanding me. I have loved you. Always you. Nobody but you. I’ve tried to be with other people since I’ve been away at school, men and women both, but it never works because they simply aren’t you.”

“Goku, you’re confusing gratitude with love…”

“No, Sanzo, believe me in this, I’m not. I’ve meditated on it, prayed on it, seen therapists and priests, talked to Hakkai and Gojyo… it always comes down to the same conclusion, and it is the right one…:” He searched Sanzo’s face, and seeing him at least not looking totally panicked, he forged ahead, “I love you, Genjyo Sanzo, and I always will. Whether you reciprocate it or not is immaterial. I had already decided that at some point I was going to tell you, and if you couldn’t return my affections in kind, I would simply enter the priesthood here in Keiun after the University, and we would grow old together as celibate friends. I am in love with you, Sanzo.”

Sanzo sat transfixed, listening silently and intensely as Goku continued, his voice still steady but his heart pounding wildly now in his chest and his eyes wide and deep. ”I belong with you, Sanzo, and that’s where I intend to be. I’ve known this for a long time… I knew it when I was too young be able to ask for what I wanted, back when I was so young, when you first freed me. I knew it I first started thinking about you and wanting you like a man wants another man, but realized that for the time being, it would have been inappropriate for us to be involved that way. So I told myself I would have to wait.” He smiled softly as he searched Sanzo’s amethyst eyes with his deep golden ones, his voice sure and soothing, but his eyes glistening. “After five hundred years, what’s a few more, to wait for someone like you?”

“I always knew there was a real danger I might never have you, not really… that I might have to content myself with things being the way they always have been, me orbiting around my ‘sun’, never really touching you … it wasn’t until today that I dared hope maybe things could change…”

Goku took a long drink of his wine, suddenly feeling the need for a little liquid courage himself. He took a deep breath and turned back to face Sanzo, brushing some wisps of tousled blonde hair back from the houshi’s eyes.

What he wanted was to pull Sanzo down onto the big bed and make love to him all through the night, and banish the pain and fear he knew gnawed like a worm at the soul of the man he loved. But first he had to get past those last few walls, to be invited in where no one had been before, fully into the heart, body, and soul, of Genjyo Sanzo…

Sanzo had been totally silent since his initial protest of Goku’s declaration of his affection, listening intently, his head slightly tilted, his eyes dark and shuttered. Goku had no idea whether that meant Sanzo was receptive, or whether he had tuned him out as an annoyance after his first sentence. Halfway through, Sanzo had shifted in the bed, turning so he was half-facing Goku as he talked. He had, however, taken one of Goku’s hands in his own, and was idly stroking the top of it with the pad of his thumb as he listened to the younger man open his heart up to him.

Goku took a deep breath and looked at the man in front of him. He was afraid and yet not afraid at the same time. He knew that whatever happened, Sanzo would always be his Sanzo. But he knew he had to try, had to take this chance … not because Sanzo was sad, although that did concern him greatly, but because he knew deep in his heart it was right, and he knew he might never again find Sanzo so open, his true inner self so close to the surface as it was right now. He shifted in the bed so he was kneeling slightly, directly in front of Sanzo, very close.

“Sanzo… I don’t want either of us to be lonely… I know we should be together… live together, love together, now, tomorrow, forever. I love you, Sanzo. I always have…” He leaned in and kissed him for emphasis, “and I always will.” He kissed him again, more deeply and tenderly this time, trying to let his kisses make up for the poetry he felt unable to supply with his words.

The priest reached up and took both sides of the younger man’s face in his hands, pulling it back to his for a more thorough passionate kiss. When they finally broke apart, he rested his forehead against Goku’s and spoke softly. “I had no idea, saru…I really…”

Goku laughed, asking, ”How old am I going to have to get before I stop being called bakasaru? I can see it now, I’ll be handling my first case as the Presiding Judge of the AnteCourt of the Sanbutsushin, and they’ll call for my opinion on a case, and you’ll say, “Ok, let me go get the stupid monkey..”

Sanzo laughed, the first real laugh Goku had heard from him since he had been there, and reached up to touch the side of the younger man’s face with a soft caress. “I’m sorry, baka… Goku… old habits die hard. It kind of feels like you have grown up on me all of a sudden here.. you’ll have to bear with me while I get my head around all this. It seems we sent a wild young bakasaru off to that University and we got back an intelligent caring young man… remind me to have the Sanbutsushin put in a little something extra with your next scholarship payment!”

Goku took Sanzo’s empty glass from his hand, and removed his ashtray and smokes to the table by the bed, and leaned back against the headboard on the pillows, pulling the heretic monk close within the circle of his sheltering arms. He smiled and kissed the top of his head, smelling once again that fragrance that had haunted his days and nights since that first day so long ago… Sanzo’s hair..cigarettes and sandalwood…

“They didn’t do it Sanzo, you did. You, the other two, and the Journey.”

Something fundamental shifted in Sanzo’s heart as he heard Goku make that simple statement, some last scrap of prideful guilt for a wrongfully assumed mortal debt and lifetimes of unjustified inadequacy all flew away like dark black feathers in a fresh wind, and that last bastion of errant stubborn self-protection walling off the complicated priest’s soul finally fell away. Sunlight shone in, illuminating a sure path for Goku to follow- a small path, but more than enough for his sure tread.

Sanzo tilted Goku’s face to his, and kissed him deeply and passionately, with an intensity far beyond what he had shown prior to that point. When he looked finally looked up at his young lover, struggling to get his breathing back to a normal rate, he raised one eyebrow, and in his usual irascible voice said dryly, “tch… this better not be a scam to get out of your last year of college, because you’re still going.”

************************

Seven Months Later…..

Once again, Goku stood at the gate of the Keiun Temple, collecting his thoughts as he prepared to enter. He had returned this time for Sanzo’s surprise “Thirtieth (Plus One) Birthday Party,” which he wouldn’t have missed for anything in the world. He had been in on the planning of it with Hakkai and Gojyo on his last visit, and they all knew that it would take massive pre-planning and subterfuge to pull off any kind of a surprise on the wily heretic priest. After all was said and done, it promised to be a rollicking good time, which was why it was going to be held in one of Gojyo’s favorite hangouts in town instead of anywhere in the Temple environs, and Goku was extremely excited about it.

Gojyo and Hakkai’s wedding had gone off splendidly. They had been incredibly handsome in matching black silk kurtas and loose salwar pants that Hakkai had made, with long embroidered vests over them that they had ordered from India. Sanzo had cleaned himself up and had Hakkai trim his hair, and had been resplendent as always in his full vestments. His crown glinted in the sun as he performed the simple ceremony bonding their two friends, and the sakura blossoms had fluttered around them in the soft spring breezes as Hakkai and Gokyo said the vows they had written themselves.

Goku’s heart had filled with pride as he watched his two best friends pronounce their love for each other and their commitment to make their life together a lasting monument to their love, no matter what obstacles lay before them in life. As Goku listened he suppressed a grin as he remembered the previous night with Sanzo, and how it had ended. His mind filled with wonderful images of with them as they made love all night long, expressing to each other with their bodies the love that was unfolding between them, spooling out of their hearts like a sweet obverse of Sanzo’s sutra when he loosed it upon the evil in the world.

They had agreed that Goku would, of course, finish his degree in Philosophy and Logic at the University. He had one semester remaining after this one, and would graduate, most likely in the top five percent of his class (the announcement of which was part of Sanzo’s birthday present.) They had agreed however, that he would not go into the priesthood, Sanzo would simply not hear of it. Knowing that Goku did not honestly feel called to it, that he felt no deep all-consuming desire to dedicate his life to the pursuit of spiritual enlightenment, the houshi refused to allow his young lover to sacrifice his chance at a life rich with variety and adventure and pursue one that meant confinement and a drastic narrowing of the options available to him.

They had agreed that Goku would return to the University in the Fall, and that he would study to go into Law. The Sanbutsushin had already agreed to underwrite his pursuits all the way to a Juris Doctor degree if he so desired, being staunch supporters of all things academic and intellectual, as talking heads tend to be. Beyond that, Sanzo had refused to plan and prognosticate, saying he didn’t want Goku to feel forced to commit when he was still so young, that they needed time to let things unfold, and so forth and so on.

Sanzo took a leave of absence from the Temple over the summer, basically a long-overdue extended vacation, and he and Goku rented a small two-room cabin in the mountains overlooking Chang An. It was close enough for Hakkai and Gojyo to drive out in Hakuryu for the weekends, which they all thoroughly enjoyed. There was a stream with great fishing, part of which was deep enough for swimming if you could stand the cold water (Goku could, Sanzo couldn’t), and bountiful wildlife in a beautiful setting.

It was an idyllic summer for the two of them. Sanzo put back on all the weight he had lost and then some, had actually gotten a bit of a tan, and the sun bleached his pale hair out and brought out more gold highlights. When Goku would look at him as he sat reading in his chair in the afternoon, or stretched on on the rock by the stream, sunning himself like a lazy lizard, the sheer beauty of the heretic priest still took his breath away. They made love like rabbits…never able to get enough of touching each other, always needing to kiss, to feel, to fill each other up and be filled. Two lifetimes of need were finally sated and yet their desire for each other never seemed to abate – they had to restrain themselves when Hakkai and Gojyo came, and suffered relentless teasing at the hands of the kappa when he would catch them necking behind the house or in the pantry closet.

It had gone hard on them both when Goku had to return to school, but Sanzo, ever the stoic, reminded the saru how quickly time would pass, and said the time apart would show them whether what they had was real, or just a temporary infatuation with the idea of being in love. They missed each other terribly... Sanzo tried not to show it so much, but he wrote Goku strange terse letters full of odd poetry and sweet words he would never be able to say in person, and he would call from Gojyo and Hakkai’s cabin every weekend.

Sanzo assiduously avoided the future every time Goku brought it up. It began to really puzzle Goku, so much so that one time when he was alone with Hakkai and Gojyo, he brought it to their attention and asked their opinions. Gojyo was stumped, and opined that he had never understood the “murderin’ monk,” as he still loved to call him, even though Sanzo had long since retired his beloved Smith and Wesson with the exception of the occasional round of target practice.

Hakkai sat thoughtfully for several minutes, sipping his tea, his green eyes sweetly sympathetic with Goku’s plight. He probably understood Genjyo Sanzo as well as anybody in this world… and if he couldn’t help Goku figure this one out, he wasn’t sure how he could possibly resolve it.

"You know, Goku, I think I may have it,” Hakkai said, smiling his most sincere smile. “It’s actually quite simple once you think about it – elemental really.”

“Please, tell me… Hakkai, it’s been driving me crazy. I’m SO ready for us to begin planning our lives together!”

“Yes, well, you see that’s just it, Goku.. It’s a bit of Sanzo’s old pride resurfacing again… He sees you, younger than him, starting this wonderful career, where you stand to make lots of money. Then he compares himself, he’s older, his career is the priesthood, which means he is essentially penniless… he feels he has nothing to offer you.”

Goku sputtered with surprise and indignation. “But that’s so ridiculous!! Sanzo is all I ever wanted! And the only reason I even want the stupid career is to make him proud of me and to make money so we can be comfortable together! Oh, good fucking gods... what am I going to do with him…” He smacked his hand to his forehead and dropped down on their couch, shaking his head in amazement.

Gojyo laughed, and clapped him on the shoulder and grinned, “don’t worry saru, you can handle him.. just smack him around with that goddamn fan a couple of times, then throw him in the bed and explain it to him…”

“Gojyo!!” Hakkai exclaimed, blushing, “I hardly think that is the appropriate…”

“I was just kidding, dear…Jeez, I’d think you could tell by now when I was kidding!”

Hakkai shook his head and pursed his lips, pouring some more tea for all of them. “One never knows with you… some people NEVER grow up, do they, Goku?” He turned to Goku and winked, smiling his true smile again as he turned and looked at his erogappa husband now sprawled out on their couch.

Consequently, later that night, as they lay in bed, Goku took the bull-headed priest by the horns, and tackled the subject in a straightforward manner.

“Sanzo,” he teased, as he trilled his fingers up and down his lover’s back, “I’m going to be your sugar daddy.”

Sanzo had been dancing around the edge of sleep after a vigorous bout of lovemaking, but that statement certainly had gotten his attention. “Excuse me?”

“I said, I’m going to make lots of money as a lawyer, and be your sugar daddy. And you can be my boy toy.” He grinned, and played with Sanzo’s hair.

Sanzo snorted at the “boy toy” remark. “Tch. Have you lost your mind?” He looked sideways up at Goku, one eyebrow raised.

"No, actually, I’m dead serious, Sanzo,” Goku replied, his voice still light and happy.

Being now thoroughly confused, Sanzo sat up in the bed and looked at Goku, wondering if perhaps the younger man had a brain fever or something.

“What in the blue fuck are you talking about?”

“Oh… just something I’ve been thinking about and wanted you to know, I guess. See, I know you, Sanzo. You are going to worry that you don’t have money and I will, that we won’t be equals, and you are going to feel like that means we shouldn’t be together… like you will be dragging me down or some stupid shit…”

Sanzo refused to look at him, and by that and his silence Goku knew he (thank you, Hakkai!) had hit the mark.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought… Ok, Sanzo, that’s just really stupid bullshit. In the first place, love is not a pissing contest. It doesn’t matter who has what, and you – of all people – should know that. I didn’t have anything when you took me in, did I? … What matters is that people love each other. In the second place, you know if the situation was reversed, if you had money and I didn’t – not that I even HAVE money yet – you would share every damn penny with me without thinking, you’d give me the fucking shirt off your back, and there wouldn’t be a way I could stop you if I tried, because you love me. Isn’t that right?”

Sanzo didn’t answer him, only sat, his lips pursed, and brow knitted.

“Sanzo, I said, isn’t that right?”

Grudgingly, in a small nearly inaudible voice,“yes.”

“What’s that Sanzo, I didn’t hear you?”

Exasperated sigh, in a louder voice. “Yes.”

“Yes, what, Sanzo? I want to be sure we understand each other here.”

Another exasperated sigh, in a singsong voice. “Yes, if I had money and you didn’t I wouldn’t care, but…”

“So isn’t there some way we can work this out? There has to be. I know you don’t want to step down as a Sanzo priest but there has to be a way…”

Sanzo was quiet for a minute. “Well… now that you bring it up… I hadn’t wanted to say anything… because, well… But the temple, Kinzan, where I grew up is very close to your University – same town. I could easily return there, and arrange a permanent room for you there in the visitor’s quarters…”

Goku shook his head at that prospect, picturing monks and acolytes creeping around their door at all hours, infringing on their privacy. “No, Sanzo, I think between my stipend from the scholarship, and my Assistantship, we can afford a small place of our own now, and if you can be there in Kinzan, that’s perfect. I guess I can live with the fact that we can’t be married officially… that’s what I get for falling in love with Toua Genjyo Sanzo Houshi the 31st. You can’t have everything, but having our own little place, and you in my bed every night for the rest of my life, sounds like more than enough for me.”

Goku smiled as he stood at he gate of the temple. This would probably be the last time he would make this trip up the hill to the Monastery building. Sanzo was transferring to Kinzan Temple after New Year’s and he would no longer have to travel so far to be with his beloved sun. He wouldn’t get to see Hakkai and Gojyo quite as often, but as soon as he and Sanzo had their place, their friends would start making regular trips to see them, and none of them had any doubts that their little extended family was one that would stay close forever. Hakkai and Gojyo were even considering adopting an orphaned kid that had showed up at Hakkai’s school, and Goku and Sanzo were looking forward to the prospect of being uncles if and when that did come to pass.

The birthday party that night was the roaring success they had all hoped it would be, although they were never quite sure if Sanzo was genuinely surprised, or was just pretending to be to humor them. Goku gave Sanzo his present along with everybody else’s during the course of the party, a leather-bound translation of the American author Mark Twain, of whom Sanzo was extremely fond. His river-bound ramblings and crusty sense of humor held a huge appeal for the monk, and shone through even in the translation.

Later that night, as they lay tangled and sweaty after making love in Sanzo’s bed, Goku wished him Happy Birthday one last time at five minutes before midnight, and retrieved a small box from his jeans where they lay on the floor next to the bed. He handed it to Sanzo, and beamed, waiting expectantly for him to open it. Sanzo eyed the small gold-wrapped package suspiciously.

“You already gave me a present.”

“Shut up and open it.”

“Tch.”

Sanzo raised one eyebrow and carefully opened it, determined to preserve the gold paper and drive Goku to distraction with his pokiness. When he finally got to the small velvet box inside, he looked up at Goku with an expression approaching alarm.

“What have you done, saru?”

“Just open the goddamn box, Sanzo, “ he grinned.

Inside the box, perfectly sized for their two left ring fingers, were two plain gold bands. Inscribed inside each of them was the following:

SG X GS ~ MORE THAN ENOUGH

~owari~