First, I have to question why this story is in the erotica section, as there is nothing erotic about it - and there should be some indication of it if this is an opening chapter.
Secondly, you could definitely benefit from having someone beta your work, because your grammar and punctuation are atrocious, not that your basic ideas might not be sound, but they are too difficult to read, they are rather incoherent.
And I did not expect to find a g rated story in Erotica, either - what's up with that?
Author's response
ok. umm. i'm sorry you didnt like it. if that is what your trying to say. you see when i'm writing i type a thousand miles an hour. cos i have so many frikin ideas i wanna fit in. so sorry for the 'atrocious grammar and punctuation'. secondly, at the time when i put the story into the erotica section i had a mild idea of what was going to happen in the future of the story. thank you very much! seriously if you didnt like it. you didnt have to be that critical. we all make mistakes. so please if you dont like it, yes you can say so, i have no objections to that, but dont be a bitch about it. i would still love it if you continue to read my stories, i welcome all readers. and i will work on my grammar and punctuation. thanks for the review. XoxO Lost_Souls_Cry_To_Me!