I have one bit of advice.
Take your finger off of the shift key. There was far, far, far too much in that story that was capitalized, adn it made it difficult for me to read. That's one thing that will put people off of reading your story, if it's not easy to read. If it's not a name, or the beginning of a sentence or quote, it doesn't need a capital.
Other than that, this is a great story. I really like your plot, it's different, and I like the way you've developed your characters.
Author's response
See, that'd be Easy if I didn't really type that way. It's just the way I Type, it's too Difficult for me to Change. But Thanks a Lot, I do appretiate that. I'll try not to capitalize so much.