(#) hjl 2009-08-07
Nice start, cant wait to read the rest BUT the conversation between Emmeline and Amelia seamed more like a written report and not a conversation.
You might want to rewrite the section begining "This leaves us with some basic logistics questions:" to sound more conversational (particulary write one/two/three instead of 1/2/3 that realy breaks the flow of the text IMO!) and the section begining "The problems I foresee are:" Both of these bits seam more like a list in a formal report/essay rather then a conversation between two people....
The only other bit I would change is Amelia's responce, I believe that she would consider her next move before announcing her intentions, or failing that would phrase her orders as requests/suggestions rather then absolutes (ie could you do something rather then you will do something)
Either way I enjoyed the first chapter!