(#) discb 2013-12-31
I really enjoyed what you've written so far and hope that you'll continue on with this tale.
That being said, do take a breath and slow down. There are some points where you try to jam more ideas in a sentence then there are letters. Try to let it flow a tad more, flesh out the relationships and characters before hitting up the next major point in the story. You've got a quiet but devoted fanbase, we aren't going anywhere so relax and take your time.