Honestly? I couldn't read this. You put it all in one huge block paragraph which makes it incredibly hard to read. Also there were numerous spelling mistake, and grammar mistakes. So much that I couldn't even tell if you had at least done well with plot or characterization.
You really need a proofreader or a beta-reader. I can't understand your writing at all.
Author's response
Shut up. It wasn't a block paragraph. Retard