Review for To Marvel at Consciousness

To Marvel at Consciousness

(#) fyre_byrd 2006-05-06 09:44:22 AM

This is very sweet.

I like Irvine's intolerance for petty breaking of the rules.

I just like the love that is clearly present in the cute little domestic setting with Irvine and Selphie. It's terribly sweet the way Irvine's too exhausted to show Selphie just how much he appreciates her. And I can see Selphie enjoying cleaning up. She has such a lotof brisk energy that I don't think she'd mind.

Nitpicking:
Your first line has repeated itself. I have noticed this happens a lot on this website. Just taking a quick look especially at the first line of your story when you preview it is a good precaution.

"By the time the train pulled into the station at Balamb, Zell had drooled sufficiently on the seat cushion in their car on the train and Irvine's catnap was put on hold in a whirlwind of carrying Zell bodily off the train like he was a tiny baby, paperwork, debriefings and one hundred other mindless things that at any other time wouldn't bother him at all." I think that maybe breaking this sentence up might be a good idea.

"It was gross. I thought it would be nice if you came home to clean room." You need "a" before "clean room."

Author's response

Yes, I see Irvine as the kind of guy who thinks if you're going to break a rule, it's going to need to be a big one to be worth it at all. :D I wasn't actually going for sending that through when I wrote them, but I'm glad you got that from it. :D

I can absolutely see Selphie loving to clean--as long as it's not HER room. As in, she loves doing things to make others happier, making their environment more appealing seems like something she would definitely do, even at the expense of all those dust bunnies under her bed.

Thanks for the critiques! I forgot about the line thing--will try to remember in the future. Things have been polished up. :D Yay!

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