When Byakuya finds out, you're dead.
Chapter Two : Hail, Oniisama!
“Nooooooo!” Ichigo screamed as he sat up from bed, his heart pounding and his body all sweaty. His chest heaved in panic as he glanced beside him, seeing Rukia’s gigai still “unconscious”. He swallowed hard. Such a horrible dream! Byakuya found him in an uncomfortable situation with Rukia’s gigai, chased after him with Senbonzakura and said something about living with him and Rukia in his very room. Ichigo shook his head.
He was never, ever drinking punch even if his life depended on it!
“Ichigo?” Rukia in her Shinigami robes blinked as she sat on the window.
“What? I had a bad dream.”
“You’re too loud.” A voice came with the sound of the opening closet door. Ichigo thought his heart stopped beating as a man with kenseikan on his hair emerged from his closet.
“There is no way you can convince me to sleep in this box.”
Oh, dear lord.
Ichigo released a loud, aggravated scream for the whole world to hear – the world including his two younger sisters and annoying, perverted father who were just below the floor they were on. The scream died out and after that were sound of three pairs of feet with thumping footsteps towards his room.
Ichigo and Rukia gasped in unison. The smaller Shinigami instinctively jumped into the closet, dragging her brother in and making all the efforts to cover up whatever noise he was supposed to make.
Karin and Yuzu’s voice came with the door opening and the closet closing. Ichigo’s mouth was still open and eyes as wide as plates when his sisters came in.
“Ichigo, what’s wrong with you, boy?” Isshin asked.
“I’m okay… Just… had… uh… bad dream.” Ichigo was trying to pry his eyes off the closet door.
“Are you sure?” Yuzu clasped her hands together.
“Are you sure it was a bad dream? What kind of bad dream?” Isshin had that annoying smile plastered across his face. Ichigo’s right eye twitched, “Or are you sure you were reallyjust dreaming?”
“I said I’m fine. I was just dreaming.” Ichigo was looking flatly at Isshin.
“Are you sure?” The grin intensified.
“I said I’m fine, you old man, now stop it!”
“Ah-ha! Why are you so aggressive about it, Ichigo?” Isshin was now looking at him skeptically before nodding, “Well, aggessiveness is a plus, Ichigo so I guess it’s okay. Perhaps I should give you the talk?”
“No!” Ichigo and Karin chorused. Both of them knew that whatever crazy idea their father suggests, the whole family is dragged along to participate in it. Whether voluntary or compulsory was out of the question! The last time Isshin tried giving Ichigo the talk involved diagrams and slideshows that Ichigo did not want to hear anything that rhymed with clitoris ever again! And it involved a “father-and-son” Hentai marathon, whose weird sounds penetrated Karin’s bedroom walls!
Isshin then proceeded to run to Masaki’s picture and rattle tearfully about what kind of man his son had become. Karin grunted, gave Ichigo a final “checking-up-on-you” look and left. Yuzu blinked at the exchange between everyone in her family and, after making sure Ichigo was fine (“Don’t you need anything else, Oniichan?”), she left and closed the door.
“You can come out now.” Ichigo muttered as he walked towards the door and locked it.
The closet door slid open and Rukia jumped out, followed by Byakuya.
“I repeat, no one can make me sleep in that box.”
“Stop calling my closet a box!”
“This is not what I would call a closet.”
For the love of all that is good and pure, would someone rid his sight of this man!
“Ichigo…!” Rukia’s face came and covered that of Byakuya’s image, “It’s okay. For as long as we don’t do anything wrong or bad – which I never did, don’t know about you – it’ll be fine.”
“Are you saying I did something wrong to deserve this?” Ichigo glared, keeping his voice low as Byakuya continued to inspect other aspects of his room.
“Oh, then groping my gigai is not a sign of being hentai?” Rukia shot back.
“I was drunk.”
“Fine, drunk hentai then!”
“That’s not what I meant!”
“Look, here, Byakuya-Niisama saw something he did not like. And by that, I mean saw with his own eyes.” Rukia grabbed Ichigo by the collar, “You’renot the only one in trouble here. I risk being in a situation I can’t bargain for.”
“If it’s nowhere close to being ripped by a million girly petal swords then go ahead and tell me.”
“I risk being introduced to some other noble guy, you hear? It’s either for me to get acquainted with him to the fearsome point of marriage.”
No way. Well, not that he actually cared about Rukia being married off and stuff.
“I pity the poor guy who gets you as a wife.”
“That’s not my point!” Rukia smacked Ichigo with a heavy fist and the orange-haired boy’s head threw to the side.
“Stop being too loud, the both of you.” Byakuya spoke with his icy voice again.
Was he bound to be living with this guy for a long time? Could he not just talk him out of it?
Ichigo told him it was an accident. Byakuya said he was sleeping on a bed or a futon and nothing less. Ichigo told him he was drunk at that time. Byakuya said that when the need calls for him to be in a gigai, he was not eating food that was bad for a gigai. Ichigo told him he could not stay in his house let alone his room. Byakuya said Ichigo’s room was rather small.
So much for “talk him out of it”.
Obviously, Kuchiki Byakuya had decided to by-pass everything about Ichigo explaining and/or complaining. He had stated that he was staying with Ichigo and Rukia to monitor how things actually were. As the head of the Kuchiki clan and older brother of Rukia, it was his duty to see if his younger sister was being harmed, abused or demoralized. And if ever he was able to prove that Ichigo was doing something like the aforementioned things, Senbonzakura on Bankai would be the least of his worries.
“If I ever prove that you’ve actually tarnished my sister’s purity, it hurts me to think that I’ll have to marry the two of you off.”
Oh, it hurts you? Ichigo stopped himself from rolling his eyes away and Rukia felt like her jaw took a dive towards the floor.
Of course, dear Byakuya-taichou would leave a hell lot of paperwork and duties so if it holds true that ”part of a captain's responsibilities is to make sure the vice-captain's responsibilities are taken care of” then it also worked vice-versa.
At least Renji was suffering some kind of Byakuya-inflicted pain as Ichigo was. And at least Ichigo did not have to worry about a red-haired fukutaichou annoying him to the point of insanity because of what he unintentionally did to Rukia’s gigai.
And would someone please answer him why of all times did Ukitake have to get sick (again) and let Byakuya take care of the Captain’s so-called on-the-spot checking on Rukia’s duties when he was suffering from spiked punch?
If it had been Shinsui who did the visit then he’d be dealing with scandalous pictures of him and Rukia (the gigai). And if it had been Kenpachi then his house would’ve broken down from all the reiatsu and being caught hugging a gigai looking like Rukia would be minimal from all the problems to dawn on him. Oh damn it all, he never thought a blind captain like Tousen would be of some use!
Either fate must have conspired against him or one of his stars budged out of a good alignment and into a horrible Byakuya-infested one.
He was argumentative about how Rukia was forced to be crammed up inside a box (“I said closet!”) and why she was being kept so. Fortunately, Ichigo was able to explain and defend the “keeping” part but not the “crammed inside a box” part. It was at this point that a hell butterfly brought the 6th Squad Captain permission to stay in the Human World for the purpose of his clan.
The butterfly has served its purpose. Could I crush it now just to vent?
“I wonder what it is that is taking Urahara so long for that gigai to come.” Byakuya was saying now as he looked out the window, his ice blue scarf flowed from the slight breeze.
“You ordered a gigai?” Ichigo raised an eyebrow, “I mean, don’t youalready have a gigai?”
“I’ve arranged for the gigai to be delivered.” Byakuya said instead and Ichigo was not sure if that was supposed to be an answer to his question. But that wasn’t the point. Did Byakuya just say “deliver”?
“Here, of course.”
Ichigo’s eyes widened and sprang out his room with Rukia after him to close the door flat. Stupid Kuchiki-taichou! He could only imagine how his family would react upon seeing a box with a body inside! Was he supposed to say the body was supposed to be for him? (“Ichigo, why are you interested in men’s bodies! Aaaah, our only son has turned homosexual! Oh, Masaki, where did I go wrong!”) Ichigo found his place in front of the main door where he would wait for stupid Kuchiki-taichou’s stupid gigai from even stupider Urahara who agreed to deliver the merchandise in the first place!
Perhaps Byakuya paid twice the fee?
Only moments after he stood there came to small figures carrying something were approaching his house. Ichigo blinked once and twice and squinted to see. Oh, all right, those were Jinta and Ururu and whatever it was they were holding was probably the gigai. And they were headed for… his bedroom!
“Holy hell!” Ichigo growled and he ran towards the direction the two children were heading to. After announcing that Byakuya haul his sorry ass away from the window in the next three seconds, Ichigo scaled the wall and jumped through his window. As if on cue, Jinta and Ururu followed. The next few minutes were spent trying to get the “merchandise” in his bedroom without wrecking his bedroom window thanks to the large wooden boxes that encased the gigai.
Wait, hold that thought. Boxes?
“Two boxes?” Ichigo was still huffing as Ururu closed the window and Byakuya ordered Jinta to open the first box… that contained two gigais. One was Rukia and the other was Byakuya. Ichigo whipped towards his bed. The Rukia gigai was still there. Why was there another one?
“I can’t let Rukia used a gigai I’ve seen you kiss and hug and who-knows-what-else.” Byakuya said as if reading Ichigo’s mind, “She’s going to use this.” And he pointed at the similar Rukia gigai (similar clothes, even!) in the box.
“Youkissed her gigai!” Jinta blasted.
“Who talked to you, runt!” Ichigo’s foot found a good spot on Jinta’s face.
“Why did you kiss her gigai?”
Ururu was lucky she was a girl.
“Stop asking me stupid questions!” the Shinigami Representative glared at Ururu then at Jinta and finally at Rukia whose acting skills kicked in and hid behind “oniisama”.
“If you didn’t do something stupid then you won’t get stupid questions.” Byakuya said again. His voice was still flat. Geez, would it kill him to have some emotion at random times like this?
“I said I was drunk that time and I didn’t mean it. Drunk people are oftentimes bound to do stupid things.” Ichigo pouted, “At leastI’m legitimate at the time to do something stupid unless some certaintaichou.”
“Are you saying I did something stupid?” Byakuya was glaring.
Oh, look, some emotion at last!
“Well, what do you call a supposedly educated Captain jumping into conclusions based only on his sense of sight?”
“It’s called instinct.”
If Byakuya was trying to be funny, he was failing miserably. And if he were not trying to be funny, he was so missing the point. Meanwhile, Rukia was becoming annoyed about how the word “stupid” was being used over and over again.
“What are we going to do with that other gigai?” Rukia asked no one in particular but was looking at the gigai that was still “sleeping” on Ichigo’s bed.
“Definitely not leaving it with you.” Byakuya looking at Rukia but was talking about Ichigo.
What’s with all the people talking to someone but looking at something else?
“Nobody told you to leave it with me!” Ichigo blasted, “I mean, what the hell, you’re going to destroy it!”
“No, I’m going to have it tested.”
“Tested!” Ichigo was giving Byakuya a ‘i-don’t-get-it-but-i-don’t-like-it’ look, “What for?”
“To find out if you tried to impregnate the gigai.”
Jinta’s mouth fell open. Ururu fainted and Rukia’s face turned as white as paper. Just for that moment, Ichigo banned the word “patience” from his vocabulary.
To hell with maintaining sanity and order.
After all, it had been quite a time since they last used kikanshinki to replace memories.
- End of Chapter 2 -
Author: I had fun writing this one. Kikanshinki is that thing Rukia used to replace Ichigo’s family’s, Inoue’s and Tatsuki’s memories. And kenseikan are the white things on Byakuya’s hair. It symbolized noble status. I had to look those up in Wikipedia. Hopez ye00 likezsh~! Ban-KAI!