Amanda's shares her jealousy and sorrow of being in the background and a has-been.
Rosie! Rosie! Rosie! Rosie, this! Rosie, that! Rosie, Rosie, Rosie! It's always about flipping Rosie! What the hell is so great about her?!? She gets everything! I get nothing! It's just not fair! Grrr! I'm supposed to be the star here, not her! How the hell did this disaster happen? I used to be the star and favorite here. Man, I had it all then! Loving boyfriend, rising career as a journalist, and great friends. I used to be care-free and happy then too. I knew I was much more of a wild child then too. (Everyone keeps reminding me of the "good old days." I hate when they do that! It makes me want to scream and kill them so badly! Argh!) My boyfriend, Mark, treated me like a princess too. We were the perfect couple. Mark and I lived together happily in a fancy apartment. We were even thinking about getting married soon. (He bought the ring and everything!) Life was great. But then, disaster struck!
It happened in 2000. Mark and I were planning a night out together. He and I were arriving at the restaurant separately. I got dressed in my best sexy casual clothes and waited for Mark at the most romantic restaurant in Miami. I waited most of the evening for him. At first, it was nothing at all. I knew that Mark worked late. I thought it was one of those night, so it was no big deal. But after a couple of hours, I began to get worried. I called Mark's cell phone to see if he was alright, but I got no answer. A thousand thoughts went through my mind about what could have happened to him. After a couple more hours of waiting, Mark finally showed with a snobby girl dressed in a business suit on his arm. I was really confused now.
"Mark, sweetie," I said to him. "What is the deal? Who is your friend here?" Then, he delivered the painful bombshell. Mark walked over from the hussy to me and lightly held my hand. The look in his eyes told me that something bad was coming. I could feel it in my soul.
"Baby," Mark said to me. "I think we should break up." I couldn't believe what he was saying at first. I thought it was just a bad joke.
"What?" I asked him.
"I'm leaving you," he said. "I've fallen in love with someone else." It took a long while to sink in. When it did, my eyes welled up with tears.
"B-But why?!?" I wailed out. Mark tried to shush me to explain.
"I fallen in love with someone else," he said softly. "I'm so sorry, Mandy. It just wouldn't have worked between us in the long run. I'm so sorry to hurt you like this!"
"But you were going to purpose to me and we were getting married!" she wailed out.
"I know," my now ex-boyfriend told me. "And I'm sorry." I was completely crying now. I ran out of the restaurant heartbroken. The next day, Mark came and got his belongings to move in with his new snobby girlfriend. I felt really alone and empty with a half-empty apartment. My friends tried to help me recover, but it wasn't enough. I was just trapped in the dumped blues. After three days of sorrow, I decided to change. I soon became what I am today. Apparently this was a mistake, but I didn't care. I just wanted to make myself better in a sense so that I don't experience that same defeat of losing Mark again. But this plan isn't really working like I wanted to. At first, everyone tried to have sympathy for me, but I turned them away. In the end, everyone just stopped caring and found me annoying. I am really hurt by this change. But I pretend not to care at all and keep on with the new me because that's all I know now. However, there was more pain to my baggage.
Three years ago, Rose and Duncan came along to Beach Radio Magazine fresh out of college. Vanessa, who hates me I swear, took Rose under her wing and bred her to business. Now, Ms. Delany loves Rose. That's all everyone here talks about. She's not that great! But yet, Rosie manages to have it all! The top job here, everyone's morale support, the body, the looks, the charm, the brains. She's everything I wish I could be again. And now, she's got Pete Wentz possibly wanting to do her! And what do I get? Nothing! Nothing but a half-empty apartment, my business suits, and the back of the stage. It's just not fair! Argh! Why does everything bad happen to me?!?
"Is there a problem, Amanda?" a voice asks me from above. I look up to see Ms. Delany looking down at me at my computer. I noticed the look on her face. It was half-concern and half-annoyed. I looked at her slightly startled. "Quick!" I thought. "You can't let her see that you are truly unhappy! Put on your professional face!" I do so quickly and straighten myself up emotionally.
"No," I said quickly. "Nothing is wrong at all!" I look at the boss' face. She didn't seem to believe me at all. That's the creepy thing about Ms. Delany. If you tell her a lie, you can't tell if she believes you or not. Her face just reminds the same. I sat there hoping she would believe me. The moment was tense. I was sweating lightly in my mind.
"Just stay focused on your work, okay?" she replied. I nodded in a fake calm. Then, Ms. Delany just walked away. I breathed out surprise and relief. Oh wow! She believed me. She actually believed me! Ms. Delany actually believed me! I just can't believe it! I smiled as I lightly shook my head. But then, the sorrow set back in and I sighed. I hate my life...
I Saw Up and Down and I Love What is Not Allowed