this is the right way to end a tour.
lil_chica007 - even though Dirty's a dad and Pete's a soon-to-be dad, I still think they have pranks up their sleeves.
medicatedlives - hehe. soap = bitch. pete = the bitch.
only_infinite - aww, thanks. glad you liked the chapter!
kittkattbar - i have no idea where they'd be without each other. pete would probably emo in some corner and soap would be pretending she's happy being single.
36: p r a n k r o y a l t y
It was the last day of the tour.
Patrick was in the back of the bus, messing around with Garage Band. Pete was catching up on sleep in his bunk. Andy and Joe were making sandwiches in the kitchen, and Dirty was passed out in the shower (yeah, don’t ask).
Hemmy took a seat on my lap as I sat in the lounge area, watching traffic flow around the bus. So far, we had passed 15 blue cars, 21 green, 10 red, 3 yellow, 6 black, a dumpy U-Haul truck and 2 silver mini-vans.
All these people had places to go. People to meet. Families to go home to. With a sigh, I looked away from the window and directed my attention toward Hemmy.
“If only you could talk…”
With a yawn, the tired puppy nuzzled against my arm before laying his head on my knee. I absentmindedly played with his cheeks as my eyes wandered back to the window.
Eventually I found that counting cars was a pointless task, and decided to try enjoying the scenery. Trees, billboards and more trees. Yeah, this is a beautiful landscape…
As an ad for Hooters disappeared over the horizon, the couch shifted behind me, indicating that someone had taken a seat.
A familiar pair of tattooed arms silently slipped around my waist, followed by a familiar pair of lips pressing against the back of my neck.
“Hey, sleepyhead,” I said, smiling.
“What have you been up to?” Pete quietly asked, voice still raspy from sleep.
“Chicago…” I simply replied.
“Me, too,” he admitted, resting his chin on my shoulder. “But the tour ends today.”
“…And you’re gonna miss it like hell once it’s over.” He chuckled at my comment.
“You know me too well.”
While my back molded against his chest, I could feel a mischievous smile tugging at my lips.
“What?” Pete asked, sensing an idea brewing.
“Well it’s come to my attention that pranks are long overdue. I mean, the last big thing that I pulled was back when I put your boxers on display for Indianapolis.”
“I still don’t know how the fuck I fell for that one. I looked like I belonged in a gay cowboy porn.”
“That’s karma for you. But that whole porn ninja thing you pulled at the hotel was way worse,” I said turning around to face him.
“Hey, it was kind of an even trade. I showed you mine and you showed me yours.”
“What about Andy?”
“Well, he was an added bonus.”
“And you wonder why people think you’re gay…” I said, chuckling.
“Hey, I’m only gay above the belt,” he said, smirking. “Below the belt, I’m all yours.”
“Damn straight,” I said, before planting a kiss on his lips.
“So what are you plotting?” Pete asked, lifting an eyebrow. “And don’t say ‘nothing,’ because I know that look. I fucking invented that look.”
Bored of hanging around the dressing room and watching Pete and Soap making out, Dirty, Joe, Patrick and I decided to see what everyone else was up to.
“Aww, look. They look like such cute bums,” Dirty said as we entered Panic’s dressing room. They were all asleep, sprawled out on the couches.
“I guess they partied a little too hard last night,” Joe commented.
Continuing our quest for entertainment, we stumbled across the Gabe, Nate and Vicky sitting around a table.
“Hey, guys! Pull up a chair!” Gabe greeted while shuffling cards.
“What’s the game?” I asked.
“Poker. You in?”
“Don’t do it!” Ryland interjected before I could answer. “Gabe’s a hustler.”
“Yeah, man. I already lost $50,” Alex added.
“Don’t mind them. They’re just mad because they don’t have good poker faces,” Gabe said. “So should I deal you in?”
“Yeah, why not.”
I’d heard that Gabe was pretty good at poker, but so was I. After I took a seat, Dirty and Joe followed suit. Patrick, on the other hand, decided to play some songs with This Is Ivy League.
About an hour later, we finished the game and I was the happy recipient of $82.
Upon returning to our dressing room, we were a little reluctant to open the door.
“Pete and Sophie have been alone in there for a while, and the last thing I want to see is another installment of porn ninjas,” Dirty said.
Agreeing with him, I knocked on the door. “You two decent in there?”
Instead of responding with a “yes” or “no” , there was a loud clucking noise and a “Hemmy, leave those turkeys alone!”
“What are you guys doing?!” Patrick asked.
“Shh, keep your voice down. You’ll wake up the skunks, too,” I replied as they stepped inside.
“Yeah, now close the door before anyone sees.”
Though confused, Andy did as I said.
“What’s all this for?”
“Well, Soap and I decided that we should end the tour with a couple innocent pranks,” Pete replied.
“How the hell did you get these?” Dirty asked, sticking his finger through the side of the cage. One of the turkeys got pissed and bit him. “Oww!”
“My cousin Sara has a turkey farm. She let me borrow some for today,” I responded.
“And the skunks?”
“My brother’s friend Molly has them as pets. I asked if we could use some to wreak a little havoc,” Pete said.
“Is Panic asleep yet?” I asked.
“Yeah,” Andy said.
“Okay, time for phase 2. Dirty, Joe, could you help Soap with the turkeys?”
“Sure. What are we doing with them?”
“Letting them loose in Panic’s room after Soap’s done with her part.”
Pete handed me a duffel bag. “Have fun,” he said, kissing my cheek. Then Dirty and Joe picked up the cages and we headed into the hallway. Their room was just across the hall, so we were able to get inside without attracting any attention. As planned, all four boys were sound asleep thanks to the sleeping pills Pete and I had slipped them.
We carefully set the cages down, and I started my work.
“Catch,” I said, tossing cans of silly string their way. “You guys redecorate while I draw on their faces.”
As they started on their task, I turned Brendon, Jon, Spencer and Ryan into pirates. Eye patches, mustaches, beards and all.
“This is gonna be awesome,” Dirty commented as I drew a unibrow on Ryan.
After finishing their Sharpie makeovers, I surveyed the room. The walls, lights, and couches were covered in streams of pink, blue and green.
I reached into the duffel bag and pulled out a framed picture of Pete and I, then hung it on the wall.
“Wentz, do you have a good view of the room?” I asked, via blue tooth headset.
“Wait, is there a camera in there?” Dirty asked.
“Yeah,” I said, smiling.
“Looks good,” Pete responded.
“Damn, you guys went all out for this,” Joe said.
“Well it’s the end of tour. We had to do something fancy,” I said sprinkling turkey feed all over the guys. “Now for the finale.”
We quietly opened the cages and with high fives, the three of us ran out of the room. I propped a chair against the door for an added effect.
“Trick, I’m gonna need your help with the skunks,” Pete said.
“Huh? Why me?”
“Because you’re the most innocent of us.”
“Don’t worry, they won’t spray you.”
“How can you be sure?”
“Molly has them as pets. She had their stink glands removed.”
“Then where’s the fun in using them for the prank?”
“The Cobras won’t know that fun fact.”
“Ah, I gotcha,” I said, nodding. “So how will I get them into their dressing room?”
“You will put the cage in this beautifully wrapped box and tell them you need to hide a birthday present for Diaz in their room. Place it somewhere toward the back and toss your hoody over it. Then when the coast is clear, you take the side panel off the box and causally walk out.”
“Seems too easy.”
“Trust me. There’s more to it, but that’s all you have to know for now,” he said with a smirk. “Well you know your mission, Agent Stump. Go and carry it out.”
I took the box and did as he said. I walked down the hall and knocked on their door.
“Come in!” Gabe called out. He, Vicky and Nate were playing another game of poker.
“You guys mind if I hide this in here?” I asked, holding the box. “Diaz is hanging out in our dressing room and this is his birthday present.”
“No problem. You can put it in the closet,” Vicky said. Shit.
I tried coming up with an excuse not to, but nothing came to mind. Stalling for time, I put the box down and faked a sneezing episode. My performance must’ve been pretty good, because I received a lot of “bless you”s and Vicky even offered me some tissues.
“Thanks,” I said, taking one. As I blew my nose, I was desperately trying to buy more time. Think, Patrick. Think!
I still drew a blank. With a sigh, I picked up the box once again and headed toward the closet.
“Wait,” Ryland said. “You can just put it over in the corner. If I was looking for a present, the first place I‘d look would be the closet.”
I mentally let out a sigh of relief. As instructed, I set it down in the corner, took off the side panel and tossed my hoody over the top.
“No problem,” Ryland replied, strumming his guitar.
I quickly made my way out of there and walked back to our dressing room.
“Everything go alright?” Pete asked as I closed the door.
“Now all we have to do is wait for Soap and Dirty to finish up.”
It was two hours ‘til showtime and everything was set.
After everyone was back, I locked the door, and we gathered ‘round the camera feeds.
“Soap, would you like to do the honors?” I asked, holding a detonator-type device in my hand.
“I would love to.”
She flipped the switch, triggering speakers in the cages to start blasting Arma Angelus. The turkeys went insane and Ryan jolted awake.
“MUTANT CHICKENS!” Ryan screamed, jumping onto the couch.
“What the fuck is going on?!” Spencer yelled.
“What happened to your face?!” Brendon asked, laughing.
“My face? What happened to your face?!” Spencer said.
“Shit! Where did all these come from?!” Jon asked as 2 turkeys pecked at his jeans.
We all broke into laughter at what was unfolding in the room across from ours.
For the next few minutes, they were all jumping around on the couches, trying to avoid the disgruntled birds. But due to the screaming being emitted from the cages, the feathers continued flying.
“Damn, I never knew turkeys could be so vicious,” Dirty said, laughing.
They all made it to the door, but Sophie had made sure it wouldn’t open.
“Someone! Let us OUT!” Ryan shouted, banging on the door.
“PETE I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR US!” Brendon yelled.
“Fuck! This is useless!” Spencer said, jumping back onto the couch.
“We’re gonna have to catch them,” Brendon said, somewhat frantic.
“With what?” Jon asked.
“A net,” Ryan said.
“Where are we gonna get a net?!”
“Shit, iono. Why don’t you come up with something?”
“We could try catching them with our hands,” Spencer said.
“But they’re angry as fuck. We’ll get our hands pecked off,” Jon replied.
“Fine. One of us will have to try catching them.”
Spencer, Ryan and Jon quickly touched their noses while Brendon was the odd one out.
“Fuck,” he groaned. “You guys are assholes.”
He jumped down from the couch and tried sneaking up on one of the birds. Then he dove for it and got a face full of carpet.
“You’ve gotta be faster,” Ryan commented.
“Shut up! I’m trying to concentrate!”
All of this commotion got the Cobras attention.
“What the hell is going on down there?” Vicky asked.
“Now, Diaz!” I said into the walkie-talkie.
As I planned, the security guard sprang out of the closet. Dressed up as Mike Myers, he waved a very real-looking chainsaw in front of them.
“I’MMA KILL ALL OF YOU!” he yelled.
Screaming, Gabe, Vicky and Nate toppled a table trying to run away while Ryland and Alex scrambled for the door.
“Oh man, Gabe’s gonna shit his pants!” Soap said, almost choking on her laughter.
“It’s not opening!” Vicky said, frantically turning the knob. “We’re fucking locked in!”
Diaz was on their tail, and quickly herded them toward the back of the room.
“What do you want?!” Alex asked.
Diaz simply lifted the chainsaw over his head. Then I used a remote control to turn out the lights in their room, giving him enough time to make a getaway.
Once he gave me confirmation that the door was locked again, I turned the lights back on.
“What the hell was that?!” Gabe said, holding his chest.
“That was Wentz, I know it,” Ryland said.
“God, I’m gonna kick his ass,” Nate said.
“You have to admit it, though. He had us going…”
As the Cobras calmed down and took seats on the couch, they failed to notice that the skunks started wandering out of their box.
“Am I going crazy, or is that a black cat in the corner?” Vicky asked.
“That’s not a cat. It’s a skunk,” Alex nonchalantly replied as he helped put the table upright.
“Skunk?” Gabe asked.
“Crap, there’s another one coming out of that box!”
“Shut up, Alex! Loud noises will scare them!”
“So what do we do?” Ryland asked.
“Slowly make your way to the door.”
“It’s locked, remember?”
“Oh crap,” Gabe said as one of the skunks approached his feet.
“Guys, a little help?” he said as it crawled up his leg.
“You’re on your own, Saporta,” Vicky said.
“When we get out of here, I’m going to kill Pete.”
“Man, why did I get most of the blame?” Pete asked flopping onto the couch. “You were the mastermind in all of it.”
After we had our fun, Pete and I fessed up to the pranks. And as he just mentioned, he was held accountable. So while I was laughing it up with the Cobras after telling them the skunks couldn’t spray, he was getting a verbal beating from Panic as they tried rounding up all the turkeys.
“Iono,” I said, shrugging. “I guess it’s because I’m the cute one.”
“You know, someday you’re gonna get away with murder and blame it on me.”
“Don’t worry. I’ll bring you a cake with a file in it. And a shank,” I joked.
“Remind me again why I asked you to move in with me,” he said pulling me onto his lap.
“I’m the Sally to your Jack,” I simply said, looking up at him. He chuckled and planted a kiss on my cheek.
Hemmy jumped up next to us and happily barked. I smiled, knowing that this was what I’d be waking up to in Chicago.
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