Too much, just too much...
I opened my eyes slowly. For a moment I had to think about last night and wonder whether it was a dream or not, I decided it was not. I felt like bursting into tears again, but that wouldn’t fix anything. “Good morning, Aubrey.” Paul said holding a cup of coffee. “Morning.” I smiled weakly. I got dressed and then settled down on the couch. I watched as everyone else got up and ready.
Joe sat down beside me, “Hey you’re coming to go see the sites with us right?” he asked. “Ya sure…” I couldn’t get my voice to sound happy. “What’s wrong?” he put my hand in his. “Nothing.” I gave him the best smile I could. “Are you sure, because you don’t look alright.” his eyes had concern in them. “Yes Joe, I’m fine.” I said. “Ok…” he didn’t look very convinced. Joe was right, I wasn’t ok, but I wanted him to tell me the truth about everything. Not just act like he never kissed her.
The car ride was awkward. Brooke kept looking at me, she knew something was wrong. I had the feeling that everyone did. It wasn’t like my feelings weren’t almost obvious. Joe tried to start conversation with me but all my answers were one word or I didn’t answer at all.
Seeing the sites wasn’t all that great. It was similar to the car ride. All though there was lots to see, I couldn’t enjoy myself. Joe kissing Chelsea Staub played like a movie over and over again in my head. “You ok?” Chelcie asked snapping me out of my trance. “Ya I’m fine.” I replied with a smile. “Ok…” she said not very convinced. She sounded like Joe earlier when he was asking if I was ok. I noticed that the others had begun trying to cheer me up, but it wasn’t working very well. I couldn’t help but be upset and no one even really knew why.
Eventually we headed back and it was time to get ready for the concert. Joe intertwined his hand in mine when we walked in. “I was thinking about wearing that gold jacket tonight.” he said trying to start up another conversation. I had been mostly quiet the whole day and that was very unlike me. “Ok.” I replied. We got in the building and then Joe held me back behind the others. “Are you positively sure you are completely ok?” he asked. “Joe for the billionth time I am fine!” I said a little louder than I wanted. He looked appalled at my tone of voice. “Ok.” he smiled weakly.
Everything that day had happened in a blur and before I knew it I was about to perform. I tried to keep a smile on my face, but mostly I failed. The audience wasn’t as loud and peppy as the night before and I knew it was my fault because I wasn’t giving my best performance. I noticed that there was a few people that were from the first concert and they had confused faces. It wasn’t that my voice was bad it was that I basically stood in one spot, with a sad look on my face, and sang.
I went backstage. Brooke gave me an odd look, “What was that?” she asked. “What do you mean?” I asked back as I sat down, not even bothering to watch the guys play. “Last night you gave a kick butt performance and then tonight was…well not your best.” she sat beside me. “Ya Brooke has a point.” Chelcie came over to us. I paused as I debated on whether to tell them or not.
“Joe kissed Chelsea.” I mumbled. “What! He didn’t kiss me!” Chelcie defended herself. “Not you, Chelsea Staub.” I rolled my eyes. “I am so going to-” Brooke began. “You are not going to do anything.” I shook my head. “Well if I’m not going to do anything, what are you going to do?” she asked. “Nothing. I don’t even want to talk to him right now, let alone discuss all this.” I spoke sadly. “You can’t just let him off the hook.” Chelcie reasoned. “I know, I know. I’m just going to have to talk to him but I’m not sure when to talk about it.” I answered. “Well you better do it soon or I will do it for you.” Brooke warned me. “Fine! I will just give me a little bit ok?” I requested. “I will give you until tomorrow night.” she compromised.
The boys came off stage. This time they didn’t say anything about my performance, then again it wasn’t that good. “Lets go out to eat.” Nick suggested. We all said yes and then drove to some extra late night food place. I thought while I ate. I was going to confront Joe tonight when everyone was eating. Joe finished first, he was always faster than everyone. I finished closely behind since I had been shoving the food down my throat. “Can I talk to you?” I stood up from the table. “Sure.” he replied. As we walked out I seen Chelcie and Brooke look over at me.
We went out to the bus, since no one was in there. “I seen you.” I said quickly. “You seen what?” he acted puzzled. “You and Chelsea Staub kissed.” I felt the tears coming again. “You did?” he asked. “Ya and I want an explanation Joe.” I held back the waterworks. “I-I. It just. She kissed me.” he managed to stammer out. “She kissed you? That’s the best you got?” I felt a little angry at his lame excuse. “I’m serious Aubrey. We were playing some air hockey, then she hugged me, and then she kissed me. I don’t know why she did that but she did. You were right she hadn’t changed.” he said it all quickly and even stumbled over a few words.
My mind was so confused. “Joe I want to believe you but…but I don’t think I can.” I bit my lip as a single tear fell down my face. “Aubrey you have to believe me. I would never hurt you like that…I love you.” I had never seen Joe’s face that sad. “How do I know that you won’t hurt me like this again?” I asked, now with tears falling and my voice shaky. “Because I could never stand to see you hurt this bad ever again.” his face was sincere. “Joe I don’t know, I just don’t know.” I shook my head. “Aubrey please, please believe me. I couldn’t live if I didn’t have you.” he pleaded. “I-I” I couldn’t finish my sentence, I didn’t even know what to say.
“How can I know that we’re suppose to be together when every time things are good with us something comes along and screws it up?” I asked. “Because of the way our voices harmonize perfectly, because of the way I can make you laugh so hard you cant breath, because when we’re apart all I can think about is you, because you are the only thing I want in life, because when we kiss everything in my life is perfect…because no human being could ever possibly love another as much as I love you.” one tear fell from his beautiful eyes.
“Joe I-I don’t know what to say…” I looked at him. His eyes were watering as if he was going to cry, his face was the saddest I had ever seen it, and his hands were lightly shaking. “Just say that you love me…just say that you forgive me.” his voice shook as he spoke. I didn’t know what to do. On one hand he just said the sweetest thing anyone has ever told me, but then on the other he kissed another girl and didn’t tell me about it. There was the risk that he would do this again. “Joe, I can’t say I love you. I forgive you, but it will take awhile before I can say I love you.” I held my head down and quit trying to hold back the tears. He opened his mouth as if he had something to say but then closed it again. “Ok if that’s how you feel.” he nodded.
I watched as Joe walked back to his bunk. My heart felt split in two. I had just told Joe Jonas that I didn’t love him. I watched his heart brake in my hands and it was all my fault.
“Hey Aubs.” I watched as everyone walked in. “Hey.” I mumbled. I didn’t want them to hear my shaky voice. “Where’s Joe?” Nick asked. “He went to bed early.” I said quickly but my voice managed to shake. “Are you alright?” Kevin walked over to me. “Ya. I-I’m. F-Fine.” I said through a couple tears. “I’m going to bed.” I quickly went off to my bunk, not wanting to be bothered again.
I walked away from Aubrey. I felt like crying but I managed to hold myself together. I crawled into my bunk and shut the curtain. One stupid, small tear fell down my cheek and I quickly wiped it away. There had to be someway to get Aubrey back. I mean we are meant to be I just know it. Nothing seemed to be coming to mind…maybe Aubrey was right, maybe this was a sign that we shouldn’t be together. Well it doesn’t matter whether it’s a sign or not, I can’t just stop loving her. Aubrey was my one and only, she was the only one I wanted.
I cried myself to sleep for the second night in a row…
I felt something shaking me lightly. I opened my eyes slowly and seen the faces of Brooke and Chelcie. “What?” I muttered. “Come talk, now.” Brooke said. We all went and sat down on the couch. “We take it things didn’t go well, so we want to know what happened.” Chelcie spoke. “Well…I forgave him…” I gave them part of the story. “And?” Brooke cut in. “I told him that I could forgive him but not say that I loved him.” I held my head low. “Oh my gosh…” both of their faces were shocked. “I know…I just couldn’t say it. Everything is ruined now.” I swiped away the tear that managed to sneak out. “It’ll be ok. Maybe something will happen and everything will go back to normal.” Chelcie stayed positive. I smiled weakly. Although I knew that, that was highly unlikely I still liked the thought.
They talked to me until we all fell asleep on the couch. They were great friends, but even they couldn’t fix this damage. It wasn’t that I regretted saying that to Joe, it was that fact that I had loved Joe and he had taken my heart and broke into a million pieces. Part of me wanted to go and say ‘Joe I really do love you and I’m so sorry for acting that way’ but then there was the part of me that kept saying ‘Joe kissed Chelsea Staub, you can’t just forgive him!’
All night my dreams consisted of me seeing Joe and Chelsea Staub over and over again and then there was the look of Joe’s beautiful face turned sad when I told him I couldn’t say I loved him. I wanted the dreams to stop but I couldn’t wake myself. I hated the dreams, they tormented me through the night.