Ray's journal entry concerning the things of winter 1989:.
It's something to love that can sometimes make one sick, like the fact that love isn't something that can really last forever although people lie and say it can.
Fall was coming to a close now and me and gerard had got jobs. Everysince gee told me that he would run away with me i had been finding ways to get money.
We together, had came up with a plan that we would both get half time jobs and raise money enough to get a train to new york. Over the closing of fall gee told me that he had knew someone called bert mcracken, which was this 14 year old kid who lived with his slacker of an uncle. They both stayed in a rather nice apartment in the main part of new york and would welcome us to come and live there but we had to get there first on our own.
Gerard opted to start attempting to do chores around his house, while i swept up my neighbors fallen leaves we both did this for pay. It was going along great infact we had more than enough to leave now but my birthday was coming up soon and i wanted to spend that with my mommy.
The party was great but a little cold now because fall was closing up fast so gerard, me, and his mother donna all planned for my birthday that we would go fishing, i knew gerard loved that. Out there the 3 of us sat talking and having fun with eachother, i started to look on donna as the mother i myself will never truly have. She was everything i could want and more so nice, so generous, and just so motherly beautiful she treated me like i was worth something, something no one but gerard knew how to do.
I once asked her would she adopt me if i had no family to go to and she just smiled and said yes.
Out there donna presented me with my cake which was blue and ice cream, we all had to huddle around the cake to keep the wind from blowing it out. Gerard and his mother sanged to me and i felt like i was ontop of the world i repeat i feel like nothing can bring me down.
But it hurted i expected gerard to get me a present but at the party he didn't, he merely kept staring at me and smiling i wondered what was that clever angel up to now?. But when we got to his house i found out because gerard had re-did his room. His mother had said that she was going shopping for hot chocolate and would be back and when she had left gerard stared at me so deep, so long, and with so much want.
I could see what he wanted i didn't even have to ask, he didn't have to ask me either i wanted it so badly. We had been sitting infront of the tv with his house light's dimmed down and this music somewhere in the back playing, he kept staring he just kept on doing it making my heart beat with such thick force i thought it would pound and bust through my chest.
The inches in between us gerard finally closed, kissing me with such passion tears played in the back of my eyes. I wanted him tonight i just knew that, i really didn't have a clue what i wanted but whatever he was willing to give i was willing to take.
It was the best night of my life as gerard led me up those beautiful stairs and into his lovely room, it was the most wonderful time with me sitting there watching him undress then move to undress me, and it is something i'll never forget as he prepped and took me.
I got lost so many times in his hazel nut eyes as he kissed me, i moaned with every touch of his angelic hands as he felt on me, and i gave all i had as he pushed into me with such gentleness that i nearly wanted to die. He teased me, he took me, and he filled me
In the birth of winter 1989.
I didn't need anyone else to come to my party, i didn't have to invite anyone, and for once i didn't feel lonely gerard was there i was there and that's all i needed
he's all i ever needed.
But after that night i only seen gerard one more time and when i did he didn't look the same.
It was at a clinic that i had last seen him and i only did because my mother had took me there. I was walking pass this room that had a glass window where people on the outside could look in, my mom had left for a minute to get me some water and i had wondered off to this room because i heard a pretty voice.
I peeked through the window as i seen mrs. donna move away from a man that had handed her a paper and there in the chair sat gerard. His left side was facing me to the point that i couldn't look straight into his face but i knew it was him by the black hair, but something had changed.
Gerard's hair use to end and pillow over his shoulders but now it came to the ending of his chin and wasn't as thick as it use to be, gerard wasn't what someone would call fat but he wasn't skinny either, but now he was rail thin and his elbows were pointed and his cheeks looked sucked in slightly.
Around his once beautiful eyes was now grayish black circles, and his pretty lips were thin and faded. But gerard's skin was so much worst it was thin looking and so very pale, to the point he looked like a ghost or someone who had thrown flour all over themselves and it didn't settle evenly. On his arms, on his neck, near his throat, and on his hands were pink abrasions and scars he also beared burned marks, and was losing his once beautiful eyelashes.
Gee was dressed in a tight fitting black short sleeved t-shirt with a skeleton on the front, on his now thin but long legs were tight fitting black ripped jeans with buckles on them, and on his feet black sneakers with white bottoms, on his hands were fingerless black skeleton printed gloves.
He still managed to look beautiful.
And that was the last time i actually ever seen him again.....alive that is.
Before fall was over me and gerard had splitted the money we had made in 2 piles, one for providing our way to new york and bert's house, and another pile for buying our family presents. Before it is that we planned to run away together we decided to buy our family christmas presents and present them on christmas day to our family at the planned christmas party. I had only brought my mother something while gerard brought his mother, father, and brother mikey something.
Me and gerard then took a picture of us kissing and decided that it would be the picture that our family would see on the night that we'd leave. We wanted to leave on chistmas night after the party was over and our family would have our gift's to remember us by but i guess
change of plans.
I hadn't seen gerard since after that day i seen him at the clinic in the later part of winter long before christmas though. And when i would finally seen donna, who i suspected was now trying to hide from me i would ask about gee and she would say
" Oh he's coughing but generally he's doing fine ". So christmas finally came and i was again happy, donna had begin to now tell me that gerard was doing great and that on christmas during the party gerard would see me.
But when i got there i seen everyone else but him even people that gee would never think to invite. Bob and frankie was there and mikey didn't seem to care that his older brother was not here. I waited by the way's fireplace even as it came time to dance and sing christmas carols, even as it came time to eat the huge christmas dinner, and even when it came time to open up me and gee's presents.
I noticed that mrs. donna was not here either and i had beganned to worry, it had been a lot of snow out and on the grounds but for some reason i had a feeling it was much worst than that. When it became night and the people here had finally got tired of eachother everyone beganned to leave. i was upset gerard had stood me up he had lied to me, he had told me that tonight was our night that tonight he would run away with just me
how promises are meant to be broken.
So i turned to leave with my mother her arms around me, she knew something was wrong with me like i knew something was up with gee. But i was stopped by bright headlight's when i had got outside and i was frightened by a oddily calm donna.
She told me in broken sobs and notes that i needed to come to the hospital with her gerard had left something for me.
In the white room we stood as i looked down and seen a single rose on the stretcher with a note tied to it, around the thorned stem of the rose was a ribbon with a single piece of candy. I picked them both up and opened the note first, it said in simple words:
" This candy is flavored as coffee one of the things i loved most in the world, it costed me 300 dollars worth of our money and i spent it all just to get this for you. I'm sorry i never told you what was illing me but my mother knows i told her to tell you, please don't be mad that we didn't carry out our dreams you still have time you can do it for the both of us.
I'm so sorry ray i never told you what you wanted to hear the most please go to my funeral you can hear it there.
I dropped the note and the rose and let the candy fall from my hand as i fell to my knee's. There i cried and sobbed while donna rubbed my back and said that she all along knew what we had and the love we had made. She wasn't mad at us or disgusted by us she simply understood us.
So i turned to her and she knew what i wanted to hear, so slowly she said it:
Gerard died from corossive lung cancer tonight during the party...he was struggling to see you.
Gerard arthur way died december 25th, 1989 in the laspe of winter's evening.
I cried i don't think i ever cried that much in my life my tear's fell so much that i could drown myself in them, i became so suicidal but in quiet ways. Everyone had found out what happened and sympathized with me but i felt they were strangers no one knew him like i did.
When we had planned to leave to new york i fantasized of growing up and marrying gee, i would be the groom and he would be the bride since he was so much more prettier than me. The funeral finally came and my mother had to drag me literally out of the house, i had stopped eating and taking proper care of myself i no longer tried to appear happy since gerard wasn't here to bring the smile to my face anyway.
The funeral was hell in itself, there i stood crying again by this time my head had hurted and my eyes were so swollen i could hardly see out of them. It was cold too, and everything around us looked dead the tree's all barren and the grass gone and the ground hard and cruel. But if i thought that was torture, seeing that casket open was death to my already cracked soul...
Gerard looked like he was simply asleep, like he had found a comfty black box and a sharp suit and decided he'd take a nap in it. His hands were folded over his chest and his eyes were peacefully closed, his mouth was straight but frownless, and his hair was lovely now decorating his again angelic pale face. Everyone got their chance to say something about him but mines was the most heart felt.
But the hardest part of watching was when they beganned to shut his casket door and lower it into the ground, i cried again and again at the closing speech, and once more when it was over and now that gee was gone what was i suppose to do?.
And as i turned my back to leave a boy gee's age came up to me, he introduced himself as adam lazzara another short lived friend of gerard's. He held out his hand and gave me a single note, i opened it and it read:
YOUR THE PERSON I LOVE THE MOST.
Again i cried.
That night when i got home my mom talked with me then sent me to bed. I was more depressed than she'd ever know so i locked myself in the bathroom and found a box of razor's and took them out. All the wondeful thought's of gerard came flowing back to me as i held the razor in my hand, he said he wouldn't leave me and if something was to stop us from being together we should commit it.
But at the same time i wanted to be with my mother, i didn't want to hurt her like donna was hurt i wanted my mother to have me, i really didn't love her more than donna but i loved her all the same. Yet i loved gerard more than all of them but i loved them too and as i raised the razor to my wrist i could hear the voices chanting:
" Don't do it, do it, don't do it, do it, don't do it, do it.
Harrow here this is the end guys i have finally ended this story and i am done crying thank god! please review dudes and tell me was this good or sad i wanted it to be both tragic yet love felt review dudes? thank you! i'll do another soon bye and maybe with parts filled by you guys and oh yeah do you think ray killed himself in your reviews tell me and should i actually continue where i left off? alright bye!.