In which our hero meets an unfortunate end...not before torturing the Guns...
They were in the band's dressing room and Axl was standing in front of a large mirror framed by light bulbs, adjusting his bandana.
"What's up Izzy?" The singer asked, fingers fumbling with the knot.
He turned around to face his friend and noticed the terror in his face.
"What's wrong? Did something happen?" He asked, suddenly concerned.
Izzy's cheeks turned slightly pink and he looked down at the floor, shuffling from one foot to the other
"Um...there's a...uuh..." Izzy's face had turned fully red now.
"There's a what?" Axl was starting to panic slightly, anticipating the worst.
Izzy sighed and held his head up and looked Axl straight in the eye.
"There's a spider on my amp."
Axl stared at the guitarist like he had four heads, his mouth hanging slightly open.
"A spider? What the fuck dude! I thought something really bad had happened!" The singer turned back to face the mirror and went back to his bandana, "Why are you telling me anyway? Go kill it or something."
"Could you do it for me?" Izzy asked in a tiny voice, "Please?"
"Why?" Axl was getting bored of this already, "You're not afraid of spiders, go do it yourself."
Axl sighed and turned back to Izzy again.
"Why the fuck not?"
Izzy's eyes were still wide with fear.
"It's a big spider."
Axl just rolled his eyes at the childishness.
Izzy gestured with his hands to show how big the spider was, which was a clear exaggeration as he outstretched his arms as far apart as he possibly could.
"That big huh?" Axl couldn't help but laugh. "Ok let's go see this spider then."
He walked out the door of the dressing room and across the ballroom, Izzy walking alongside him. As they got nearer to Izzy's amps the guitarist quickly jumped behind Axl and crouched slightly behind the singer's shoulders, as if hiding from a big scary monster.
"Where is the little fucker?" Axl asked, scanning over Izzy's amps and guitar.
"Big fucker." Izzy corrected.
"I can't see him Izzy. He probably got bored and ran away."
Axl turned to leave but Izzy jumped up and got into the singer's face, pleading with him to stay.
"No! Don't leave! You have to kill it Axl! He's huge! He's bigger than me! Pleeeaaaasseee!"
Izzy grabbed Axl's arm and started jumping about like a little kid saying "Please!" over and over again. The singer finally caved.
"Fine! Jesus Christ Izzy, calm the fuck down! Show me where the spider is!"
Izzy flipped Axl around by the shoulders and pointed to where the spider was perched on the top of one of his Marshalls. The singer approached the amp to get a better look.
"Oh. My. God." Axl's jaw hit the floor.
"I told you!" Izzy cried, "Now kill it!"
Axl spun around and shook his head vigorously.
"Fuck no! I'm not killing it! That thing's a beast!"
"Well we can't just leave it there! It has to die!" Izzy squeaked, "What are we going to do?"
Axl frantically looked around him searching for solutions until one popped into his head.
The guitarist casually strolled up to his band mates, a cloud of smoke curling out from somewhere within the mass of black curls.
"What?" He asked, bored already.
Axl's eyes darted about trying to figure out where Slash's own eyes were but eventually gave up and spoke to his hair.
"There's a spider on Izzy's amp." The singer bluntly stated.
Another puff of smoke followed by a shrug of the shoulder.
"What's it got to do with me?" Asked Slash, voice calm and cool.
"You have to kill it Slash! It's got to die!" Izzy screeched into the guitarist's ear, or where he assumed Slash's ear was anyway.
Slash turned his head from Axl to Izzy then back to Axl again, ashes falling from the cigarette now dangling between his lips.
"It's just a spider." The calmness in his voice was starting to piss Axl off.
The singer took Slash by the hand and walked him over to Izzy's amp and with his other hand he pointed. And that was all Slash needed.
"Holy shit! That thing's bigger than a fucking horse!"
The not so calm and collected guitarist ran back a few steps and crouched behind Izzy the way Izzy had done to Axl a few moments prior. Axl started to back away from the amps again and Izzy looked over his shoulder at the trembling Slash.
"How will we get rid of it?"
Slash looked up and brushed the curtain of hair away from his face revealing his scared wide eyes. Then he shut them tight and yelled as loud as he could.
The lanky blonde strolled over, his bass still hanging around his neck.
"What's up?" He asked, plucking at a couple of strings.
"There's a spider on Izzy's amp and you have to kill it." Slash duly informed the bassist.
Duff let out his signature giggle but then quickly refrained.
"What's so fuckin' funny?" Axl demanded.
"A spider? Are the big bad Guns N' Roses boys afraid of an iddy bitty spider?" Duff taunted.
He turned his blonde head to look at Izzy who at this point was paler than pale. The guitarist held up a shaky finger to point at the amp on which the spider was still parked and Duff walked over to get a good look at it.
"Fuckin' hell that thing's a monster!" He yelled.
He quickly wriggled out of his bass strap and pulled the instrument back like a baseball bat and was about to swing when Axl stopped him.
"Dude! Not your bass!" Axl grabbed the neck of the guitar before Duff could smash it to bits. The bassist let his arm drop and sighed.
"Good point. But how are we going to get rid of that thing?"
He looked around at the shit-scared faces until his eyes rested just above Slash's hair. With two giant steps he walked over to Slash and snatched the top hat of off the guitarist's head.
"Hey!" Slash yelped.
Duff ignored him and walked back over to the amp and examined the spider. Then he casually dropped the top hat on top of it and turned back to his friends for approval, a big dopey grin painted on his face.
Slash just stared at him with a "Dude what the fuck!" look on his face. Izzy peered around Duff to keep an eye on the top hat as if waiting for the eight legs to appear beneath it and walk away, top hat and all.
"I guess that's one way to solve it." Axl shrugged and turned to walk away before Slash grabbed his arm.
"What about my hat!" He cried, "We can't just hide the beast under my hat forever!"
"Fine then." Said Axl, "If you want it back, go get it."
Slash cocked his head over Axl's shoulder to look at his beloved hat but then looked back at Axl.
"You know, I never really liked that hat anyway."
A shrill girly squeal made the Gunners jump. Izzy was trembling and pointing towards his amp, struggling to form words.
The other three looked over to the enemy and gasped. The top hat was moving. It was jerking back and forth, moving a couple of millimetres or so until it finally neared the edge of the amp. And then it stopped.
"Izzy you can breathe now." Said Duff and the guitarist let out a deep sigh of relief.
"It's going to start moving again you know." Said Slash, "And then it'll fall onto the floor and start chasing us."
A shiver pierced through Axl making him wrap his arms around himself.
"I hate spiders that can run really fast. That creeps me out." He said, more to himself than anyone else. "Why do they have to have so many fuckin' legs anyway?"
"It's moving again!" Duff cried and all the Gunners turned their heads towards the hat again.
It jerked a little and then steadily moved to the very edge of the amp until it finally fell to the floor with a soft thud and out fell the beast. With their hearts in their throats the Gunners peered down at the motionless spider.
"Maybe the fall killed it?" Slash suggested, rather hopefully.
The spider twitched ever so slightly and all four musicians took a sudden step backwards.
"Guess not." Sighed Slash.
"Axl you're wearing boots! You go over there and squish it!" Izzy was whispering so as not to alarm the spider.
"Izzy we're all wearing boots!" Axl whispered back.
The spider twitched again and the Gunners flinched once more.
"This is ridiculous! It needs to be destroyed, right now!" Whispered Duff, "Before it's too late." He added a little too dramatically.
Just then, Steven came along and noticed his band mates huddled together and staring at the foot of Izzy's amps. Curiosity getting the best of him, the drummer followed their gazes to the spot on the floor and found what they were looking at.
"Hey look! A spider!"
He bent down, fingers outstretched towards the spider like an innocent child who didn't know any better.
"Steven! Nooooo!" Izzy cried but it was too late.
The second Steven's fingers touched the spider it was off like a bullet. It ran away from the threatening hand and towards the terrified Gunners. Duff, Slash, Axl and Izzy ran as fast as they could, screaming at the top of their lungs as the spider pursued them, Steven following closely behind.
"Come back little guy! I didn't mean to scare you!" He called after the spider.
But the spider wasn't listening. He just kept on running towards the other Guns, eight big black legs working hard and fast. The other end of the ballroom was approaching fast. A dead end.
"Where do we go now?" Cried Izzy.
Axl grabbed Izzy by the wrist and dragged him through a door at the side, Slash and Duff trying their best to keep up. Musicians weren't the fittest of people. The door opened up to a narrow, winding staircase. The four men ran up to the top, which led to one of the balconies of the ballroom. Once there, they all collapsed like skittles, gasping for air.
"Did we lose it?" Slash asked, frantically looking around his feet.
"Yeah you lost it!" Came a voice from below.
The out of breath musicians peered over the balcony ledge down to the floor at a very upset looking Steven.
"I didn't see where he went! Now he's gone forever..." He let out a slight whimper.
"Steven that thing was going to kill us all!" Slash yelled down at the sulking drummer.
"Maybe he just wanted friends! Maybe he just wanted to play! Or be in the video! Did you ever think about that? Well? Did you!" He jumped up and down and pointed up at his friends to emphasise his point.
Then Erin came along and looked up at the Guns.
"What are you doing up there?" She asked, intrigued by the sight of four scared rockers on a balcony.
"We just got chased by a spider!" Cried Izzy.
"It was huge!" Added Slash.
"This big!" Duff held his hand just above his shoulder to demonstrate.
"It tried to kill us!" Axl finished.
Erin looked up at her boyfriend and you could almost see the cogs turning in her head, desperately trying to process all that had been thrown at her at once.
After a good minute or two she burst out laughing and walked away.
"Erin! No! It's still out there! You're not safe!" Izzy yelled after her but to no prevail.
Steven looked up at them and blew some blonde waves out of his eyes.
"Could you guys please come down now?" He asked politely.
The Gunners looked around at each other, mentally deciding whether it was safe or not. Axl peered back over the ledge and shouted down.
"Is the coast clear?"
Steven nodded impatiently and started taping his foot on the ground. They slowly and cautiously descended the stairs again until they were back in the ballroom.
"You just had to pet the spider, didn't you?" Axl said as he turned on Steven.
The drummer just shrugged and gave his big, toothy smile.
To say that the Gunners were nervous and on edge as the video shoot continued would be an understatement. Rather than dancing, Axl was rhythmically inspecting the area around his feet while half-assedly mumbling into the microphone, Duff refused to move so as not to trip over the monster spider, to the director's great dismay Slash refused to wear his top hat because he was so sure the spider had laid eggs in it and as for Izzy, the poor guy kept twitching every time he saw his own shadow.
They knew it would show up again sooner or later but they still weren't ready for it. Slash was just about to dig into the guitar solo as Axl "Oooooh-ed" and "Aaaaah-ed" when it happened.
"OH MY FUCKIN' GOD!!! SPIIIDDEEERRRRRRRR!!!"
The four Guns sprinted back to Steven's drums and jumped on top of them. They looked ridiculous standing there, hugging eachother and shaking like jelly.
"Oh here we go...CUT!" Screamed the director.
"Somebody kill it!" Izzy screeched.
Steven jumped out of his drum stool and stomped over to the front of his drums to face his friends.
"You guys are unbelievable! It's just a spider! I teeny tiny little spider! You're a thousand times bigger than the little guy and look at you now! Shame on you! And for the love of God, get off my fucking DRUMS!"
He reached up and pulled at Duff's arm making him fall to the floor with a yelp and a loud thud, the other three who were foolishly clinging on, tumbling down afterwards. They were back on their feet in a flash and frantically checking around the floor.
"Did you see where it went?"
"I think it went this way!"
"No it went that way!"
"Izzy, he's behind you!" Yelled Steven.
Izzy shrieked and ran over to Axl and jumped into the singer's arms.
"That wasn't funny you asshole." Axl scolded and he carefully lowered Izzy back to his feet.
Steven chuckled and sat back down at his drums.
"Seriously," Slash said, "Did anyone see where it went?"
"Ok that's it!" Cried the director. "This video shoot is officially on hold until someone kills that fucking spider!"
Immediately, the rest of the crew, lighting men, cameramen, coffee bringers, everyone, began a thorough search of the vast ballroom for the spider. This was going to take a while.
"Well while everyone is off doing that I'm just going to sit right here...with my feet off the ground...on your way men!" Izzy announced as he slowly walked backwards and sat back on top of Steven's drums, pulling his legs up off the floor and up to his chest.
"Treader! Treader here boy!" Axl whistled and Izzy's dog came running.
The singer got down onto his knees and spoke to the dog.
"Treader I need you to go help look for the spider." Axl started making exaggerated hand gestures to the dog, "It's about this tall, this wide, black, eight legs and very fast. If you find it, I want you to kill the bastard on sight. Got it?"
The dog barked and then ran off on his search.
Five minutes later and Treader started barking like a mad dog, jumping up and down and pawing at some of the extra guitars on set.
"I think he's found the beast." Said Slash.
The five Gunners walked over to where Treader was going crazy and peered over the guitars.
"I don't see it." Said Izzy nervously.
"Maybe that's because you're a considerable amount of metres away from the guitars you cowards!" Steven kindly pointed out.
"This is a safe distance Adler. I suggest you follow our suit." Suggested Duff.
"Treader calm down!" Izzy yelled.
The dog's barking only got more vicious and demented.
"This is perfect! He'll definitely get rid of that thing once and for all!" Exclaimed Axl, "Go get it Treader!"
Suddenly, the spider very slowly walked out from behind one of the guitars. The Gunners held their breath and waited for Treader to move in for the kill. Instead, the big black Alsatian started whining and ran away, clearly scared shitless.
"What a stupid dog." Said Steven and Izzy threw him a dirty look.
The drummer walked over to the spider and picked it up into its hands. This time it showed no resistance. Steven cradled the beast in his hands cooing at it and petting it softly.
"Steven! Don't touch it! It's going to try and eat you any minute now!" Cried Duff.
"Or wrap you in a killer web or something! Put him down!" Added Slash.
Steven ignored their warnings and kept on petting the spider.
"No. He's my friend." Said Steven defiantly, "My friend Little Steve."
Silent shock fell upon Axl, Izzy, Duff and Slash. All jaws were on the floor and all eyes were staring at Steven.
"Y-you gave it a n-name?" Axl managed to ask.
"Yeah!" Said Steven, "I named him Little Steve!"
Slash threw his arms up in their air in sheer exasperation.
"He gave it a name! We can't kill it now! It has a name!"
"Great, now we'll never get rid of him." Sulked Izzy and Axl patted him on the back for comfort.
And so the video shoot resumed. But the Gunners were still not happy. Every now again they would steal a glimpse at the spider, or Little Steve as he was now to be referred to as, who was sat watching the proceedings from his royal pedestal, in this case, the Hyatt of Steven's drums. But it couldn't possibly go on like this...
"I can't do it!" Cried Slash, throwing down his guitar causing the room to get filled with feedback.
"CUT!" Yelled the director, "What is it this time Slash?"
"It's staring at me! I can feel it staring at me!" Whined the guitarist.
"He." Corrected Steven, "He is staring at you."
"It has to die!" Screeched Izzy.
"We can't kill him Izzy," Said Duff nervously, "He has a name now. He's like a baby Steven now. You wouldn't kill Steven so why would you kill the spider?"
Axl screwed his face up at that one.
"That's so twisted! Steven why'd you name it after you? Fuck's sake! We can't go on like this. All in favour of the death of the spider?"
Slash, Duff, Izzy, the director and a considerable majority of the crew raised their hands and Treader barked and raised his paw.
"That's roughly about..." Axl's head nodded slightly as he scanned and counted the hands, "...roughly about EVERYONE! All in favour of the spider living?"
Steven raised his hand confidently.
"Slightly outnumbered Adler. The spider goes."
Steven's lip started to tremble.
"Oh no," Said Duff, "Stevie don't..."
Steven's eyes started to well up with tears.
"Come on man, it's ok!" Said Duff.
Steven took one final, deep intake of breath.
Steven burst into tears and fell to the floor on his knees, howling in hysterics.
"This isn't fair! It's not fair!" He wailed, banging his fists on the ground.
"Oh no...Steven don't cry!" Duff ran to the drummer and started consoling him but it was no use.
"Stevie come on man! It has to die. It's a threat to us all, even you!" Slash tried but it still didn't work.
Steven was in frenzy. Slash joined Duff in trying to calm the drummer down and Axl and Izzy looked at eachother.
"You know...maybe we um...I mean it would be a little harsh..." Began Axl.
"Not you too!" Cried Izzy, "Axl we need to kill it!"
Axl seemed torn as he looked from Izzy's pleading face to the crying Steven on the floor. He made his mind up. The singer ran over to Steven and got down on his knees and tried to soothe the drummer.
Now there was just Izzy.
"I...I guess if someone wanted to kill Treader I'd be the same." He let out a sigh and walked over to his friends.
"Steven I'm sorry. Little Steve doesn't have to die. He can stay."
He smiled down at the drummer and Steven looked up at his friend and smiled back.
"Really?" Izzy nodded.
The guitarist found himself being squeezed by an overly excited drummer all of a sudden.
"You're the best Izzy!" He cried.
Just then Erin appeared again and shrieked making everyone jump and stare at her.
"Ew! Gross! A spider!"
She lifted her foot up high and stomped her high-heeled shoe right onto Little Steve.
"Killed it!" She beamed at all her friends who were now staring in utter shock and disbelief.
"What did I do?" She asked.