its gonna be a long road back to normality
"What caught fire?" I yawned as I walked into the kitchen. Gerard was sat at the table, cradling a cup of coffee and gazing into the cup with a blank expression on his face, clearly deep in thought.
"Gee..." I waved a hand infront of his face until he snapped out of it, he looked up at me with a small, shy smile - like the morning after we had spent the first night together.
"Huh?" He questioned. I smiled, unable to help myself, he looked so cute with his big doe eyes.
"I said - what caught fire?" I repeated, at first he looked confused and then he too smelt the burning and gasped, jumping to his feet.
"Shit - the toast!" He cried, I expected him to run to the toaster, but to my surprise he ran to the oven, renching the door open and dissapearing in a cloud of black smoke, I heard him choking and the smoke began to drift to the side as he waved his hands frantically.
"Gee - what the hell man!?" I cried, racing over to help wave the smoke away, by the time it finally cleared all I could see in the oven was two black charred lumps of what I presume had once been bread. Gerard looked at them with tears in his eyes, his bottom lip trembling, but I couldnt help myself I had to laugh. He looked at me slightly confused and I covered my mouth with my hand in an attempt to stifle my laughter.
"Fuck, who knew just two slices of bread could make so much smoke?" I snorted, laughing once more, Gee managing a small smile. I suddenly felt overwhelmingly happy, it was the morning, he was still home, he didnt have a hangover and he was sober. I flung my arms round his neck and laughed into his chest, feeling as high as I had when I first smoked pot in college. I felt him hug me back and things seemed perfect, until I realised something and I leaned back to look at him properly.
"Why didnt you just use the toaster?" I asked.
"Wow... I didnt think of that. Geez Frankie, I'm not that much of a retard, the toaster isnt working." He said, moody that I had insinuated he was stupid.
"Whats wrong with it?" I asked, walking over to it as Gerard shrugged.
"It just wont work." He said wistfully. I picked up the toaster and turned it in my hands, but there didnt seem to be anything wrong with it, I pulled it up higher to look beneath it when I heard something slide off the side and collided sharply with my knee. I yelped and looked down to see the toasters plug hanging guiltily by my leg.
"Gerard, it wasnt plugged in." I giggled, placing it back on the side and plugging it in. I turned to find Gerard scowling at it, tears once again in his eyes.
"Damn... maybe I am a retard, ugh - I'm so hopeless, I cant get anything right." He whined, I smiled and hugged him close to me, kissing his cheek.
"Yes you can Gee, you just cant cook. And I've never known you get up so early so your probably tired." I pointed out. Gerard seemed to cheer up at this and nodded in agreement.
"Yeah. Yeah thats right, I am tired." He said, sitting back down at the table to grab his coffee as I poured myself one. When I sat down beside him I touched his hand and smiled, this was how things were meant to be, I hadnt had such a normal morning in a long time.
"How are you feeling this morning? You scared the hell outta me last night... I thought I'd lost you..." I whispered, Gerard hung his head in shame and I squeezed his hand to let him know it was alright.
"I'm fine... I'm sorry about last night, I shouldnt have got so drunk... I shouldnt have got drunk at all - any of the nights I have. You've had no reason to stay with me so long." He whispered. I felt guilt surge in my chest and I shifted closer to him, resting my head on his shoulder.
"I had lots of reasons to stay with you." I disagreed, he sighed and rested his cheek on the top of my head, I closed my eyes and savoured the warmth of his body beside mine.
"Like what?" He asked miserably. I took hold of his hand properly and kissed his palm.
"The fact that I love you, for one." I smiled.
"But why? I'm a major fuck up, why should anyone love me?" He complained, I pulled his face round to look at me and I kissed the corner of his mouth, wrapping my arms softly round his body.
"Your not a major fuck up, your great. And I love you even more when your sober." I said, adding the end part just to remind him subtly that he had promised not to drink anymore, he may not have this morning and I was definitely happy but I wasnt naiive enough to think it was going to be simple for the next few weeks.
"I know... I'm gonna try so hard not to drink anymore Frankie, I really am. I promise." He smiled, I kissed him tenderly on the lips before pulling back with a small, sad smile. I so wanted to just dive on him and kiss him all day but I couldnt, during the last few months our relationship had been under so much tension I hadnt realised parts had fallen away and had to be rebuilt. I think Gerard noticed it too because he took my hand with a strained smile and then he went back to his coffee, I still loved him - that wasnt the problem. The problem was even though we loved eachother just as strongly we had lost parts that couldnt be deciphered, so we would have to work together to bring those parts back.
"Oh, I just remembered -" Gerard looked at me with a confused look on his face. "Where did you go last night?" He asked. My heart sank and I swear he saw the look of guilt on my face, though I tried to act casual.
"Oh... just Mikeys..." I said in what I hoped was an offhand voice. Gerard nodded looking a little upset.
"I bet he was angry to know I'd got drunk again huh?" He said miserably. I bit my lip and shook my head.
"No, he was just... unsurprised." I said in a defeated tone, there was no gentle way to put any of this. Gerard sighed and shrugged, trying to be strong.
"Yeah. I wouldnt have been surprised if I was him either. Actually - I'm surprised he isnt here giving me another lecture." He said, looking towards the door as if he expected Mikey to burst in and start ranting. I almost expected it too.
"Hm... yeah, maybe he'll be round later." I joked, knowing full well that he wouldnt. Not after what had happened this morning, I think I had made it clear Mikey wasnt who I wanted, but its not like I could be a replacement of someone Mikey loved - it wasnt like I had a brother he was in love with. So that must mean he liked me, and that just complicated everything. For a while we sat in silence, both of us drowning in our own thoughts only to be dragged out of them by the phone ringing. I jumped to my feet to answer it, Gee watching me.
"Hi Frankie, hows Gee this morning?" My jaw dropped slightly at the sound of Mikeys cheerful, casual tone. He sounded fine, and the happiness didnt sound fake at all.
"F - fine. He doesnt have a hangover or anything." I said, trying to sound casual too.
"Phew, thats great, was he alright when you got home?" He asked. I thought about this for a second, I didnt see any reason to tell Mikey about finding Gerard half dead in the bath tub, I knew Gee wouldnt want Mikey to know and it was over now anyway.
"Yeah, he was okay. Passed out on the sofa." I lied quickly, my voice sounding flat and hollow.
"Ah, see - you worried about nothing." Mikey said.
"Yeah... I guess so, I feel bad for leaving him though." I said softly, more for Gerards benefit than for Mikeys - Gerard was sat listening as he sipped his coffee.
"Understandable. So, yeah... I was just making sure everything was okay. Is he there now, or is he out again?" Mikeys voice went cold as he said this and I felt angry for a moment, before realising why I had been so happy this morning.
"No, he's here - and sober. He's going to try and stop drinking." I cried happily, seeing Gerard smile in the corner of my eye. But Mikey was silent for a moment and when he next spoke it was very softly, as if trying not to offend me.
"Thats...great. But Frank, dont get your hopes up okay? I hope he does stop drinking, of course I do but.... he's made this promise so many times before now and he never kept it, whats so different this time?" I felt as if he had just stabbed me with a poisoned dagger. My chest stung and went tight, my tongue going dry.
"W - what? No! Of course he's going to keep his promise Mikey, I know he means it this time!" I insisted, turning my back on Gerard in an attempt to try and spare him from this.
"I hope your right Frankie... I really do, if he ends up not doing this its going to hurt you a lot more if you get your hopes up like -"
"Shut up Mikey!" I snapped. I didnt want to hear it. I didnt want to hear it because I knew he was right. I could hear the shock in the silence that followed, eventually Mikey spoke - his voice strong and casual once more.
"Okay. Sorry Frank, I didnt mean to upset you. I might come round later and see you two, kay? Sia." Mikey hung up before I could say anything else, I could feel Gerards eyes on the back of my head and I felt bad for saying that to Mikey.
"Okay Mikes. I'm sorry too, I shouldnt have snapped at you. I understand that your doubtful, its alright.... sure. We'd like that, okay - sia Mikey. Byee." I spoke into the dead phone hoping this last part would make Gerard feel better, just so long as he believed everything was okay then it would be. When I turned round he was smiling sadly.
"He doesnt believe I can do it, does he?" He asked. I sighed and walked over to him, running my fingers through his hair.
"It doesnt matter. He's just worried about you. We'll prove him wrong." I smiled, Gerard smiled back but I got the feeling his smile was as fake as mine. It was going to be a long, painful road back to the normality.