Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > Gerard Way's Diary 2: At My World's End.

Chapter Two: January - My old friend paranoia.

by padfoot_001 16 reviews

Its funny how time flies when you're watching two retards build something in a tree.

Category: My Chemical Romance - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Angst,Drama,Humor - Characters: Frank Iero,Gerard Way,Mikey Way - Published: 2008-12-01 - Updated: 2008-12-02 - 10048 words

Disclaimer: Don't own My Chem, don't own Bridget Jones.

WARNING: Swearing - lots of it! Please don't eat like this, drink like this or smoke like this. Obsession is addictive so be warned and paranoia is a serious condition. Also, hair straighteners are extremely dangerous. Use with caution!

Chapter Two: January - My old friend paranoia.

Tuesday, January 28th

88kg (I lost a kilo in a day ... great - now if I can just loose ten more by tomorrow I'd be set), 15 beers (didn't realise how many as I was caught up in fascination), 12 cigarettes (Wow ... that's all I can say. Just wow! Distraction is a good thing it would seem).

Early morning. New Jersey: My Basement. Why can't my life just be normal like everyone else’s?

So it started off like any normal day, Frank was whining and moving his legs around as though he was running whilst his eyes were tightly shut and he was fast asleep. Yup, normal day.

When he finally woke up, he looked at me and smiled. Even though his dream seemed pretty restless and crazy it must have been a good one, or at least a good sleep because he stretched his back before grabbing my arm and lazily pulling me towards him.

"Sleep well?" he asked, yawning as he pulled me closer and closer to him.

What the fuck was he trying to do?

"Er - yeah ... better. What were you dreaming about? Chasing cars? Trying to get the mailman?" I asked, now wondering why on earth he was pushing me down onto the bed and digging his knees into my ribs as he tried to climb on top of me.

"Both actually, how did you know?" Frank asked suspiciously as he finally had me pinned to the bed a leg on either side of my hips and his hands on my chest.

I'm sorry ... I just seriously didn't know what he was getting at.

"Dunno ... you just looked as if you were - er - running. What exactly are you trying to -"

And then he kissed me, long and hard and for a moment I still couldn't figure out what the fuck was actually happening. Then I woke up.

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ... Now I get what you're trying to do," I said breathlessly the moment he pulled away from me enough so that I could talk.

"What did you think I was trying to do?" he asked, not really caring about the answer as he continued to kiss me, therefore making me physically incapable of opening my mouth to try and form coherent words.

But I still tried.

"Well at first I - but then - and you - but I never - fu - ck - it ..." I gave up trying to explain myself whilst he was still attacking my mouth and decided to kiss him back instead.

Things were simpler that way.

I'm not even sure how long we remained like that, Frank straddling me, me just lying there trying to have a conversation whilst my lips were assaulted.

Then ... Frank just pulled away, smiled, climbed off me and walked off to the basements adjoining bathroom. All I could do was watch him swing his boxer-clad ass around rather over dramatically as he walked and wonder just what the hell had happened.

Did he really have to end it so abruptly? I mean, I was just starting to enjoy myself. Do I follow him to the shower ... wait ... what? Why would I do that?

Just as I was contemplating what exactly I was supposed to do now, there was a fucking earth shattering series of knocks on my bedroom door. The next thing I know it's swinging open and almost off its hinges as two figures ran in.

Before I could even register who these two figures were and what they were doing in my basement, both of them were jumping all around me, messing up my sheets and dinting my mattress. They had shoes on and they were jumping all over my bed. That wasn't allowed! Shoes have to go off!

"What the fuck? Who are you?" I shouted as their constant jumping caused my whole body to bounce around as well.

I was on my side, then my stomach, then my back - and suddenly the jumping stopped and another figure leapt on me, straddling me much the same way Frank had moments before.

"Look Quinn, he's already turned on by the fact we're here," a voice I recognised said as a face I recognised lowered itself to within inches of mine.

"Bert? What are you doing here?" I asked, wondering what he meant by his previous comment.

At that moment a second face and body collapsed onto the bed directly next to me and Bert. It was Quinn.

"What you talking about Gee, we told you yesterday on the phone we were coming around," Quinn explained simply.

No they didn't! Did they? I thought back to the conversation the day before and remembered Bert saying "sheer and sorrow" when we parted ways. He must have meant "see you tomorrow." Honestly, how was I supposed to know? - shesh!

Bert continued to stare at me with a huge grin on his face; he was still on top of me in a rather suggestive and intrusive manner.

"So ... do you want me to help you with that?" he suddenly asked, raising an eyebrow quizzically at me as he pointed towards my crotch.

"With what?" I asked stupidly, lifting my head as much as I could without bumping into Bert's forehead.

Looking down I saw exactly what Bert was talking about. My pants weren't lying flat across my crotch like they were supposed to, they were raised high, stretching towards the ceiling. I tried to send a mental message to my dick but just like in the seventh grade, when I had been in the middle of my English speech and staring at Jessica Lorrington and her slightly unbuttoned blouse in the front row, it wouldn't listen to me.

"S-shit ... that's not - it's not because of you ... F-Frank ... he's just -" I hurriedly tried to explain. It was important Bert knew that I wasn't turned on by him. Frank's earlier moves had clearly had a lasting effect on me and now only Bert was there to see it.

"Frank?" Bert asked, his face suddenly turning to that of confusion.

At that moment, the bathroom door opened and out came Frank. He had a pair of tight black jeans on and as yet, no shirt. His hair was wet and he was wiping it with his towel, at least he was until he caught a glimpse of the rather unusual sight in front of him.

There was Quinn, porn-star pose and all lying next to me and Bert. I was lying there, staring at my erect penis in annoyance whilst Bert was still straddling me as he stared at Frank with great interest.

"Er - hi," Frank said, staring at us all in surprise.

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh," Quinn said quite loudly, staring at Frank wide eyed with a huge smile.

Bert just looked from me to Frank with a strange look on his face.

"That Frank!" Bert exclaimed, making no effort to get off me. "Nice ... So - got any beer?"

I stared at Bert incredulously, amazed that he still hadn't fucking gotten off me. Apparently the arrival of Frank didn't faze him in the slightest. That guy had no shame whatsoever. When Frank continued staring at us looking quite put-out I decided to try and wriggle myself free as I knew Bert wasn't going to bother.

Yet, it turned out that was a terribly bad move. As I tried to untangle myself rather clumsily from Bert, the bumping and grinding was causing some serious friction in my now rather restricting pants. I groaned despite myself as I accidentally bumped my rather sensitive erection against Bert's knee.

When I finally managed to separate myself from him my face flushed red and I tried desperately to cover myself up as I realised my crotch was still saluting the three boys in my basement.

"Did we tell you Gee?" Quinn suddenly started speaking, ignoring my rather embarrassing problem. "Me and Bert are gonna start a band!"

I stared at Frank apologetically as I desperately tried to fold one leg over the other in a way that would allow me to cover most of myself up. Unfortunately though, this only caused more friction and I had to stop what I was doing and reach for a pillow to place over my lap instead.

"Yeah!" Bert joined in, yawning as though nothing at all out of the ordinary had occurred so far in his day. "And we want you to be in our first ever video clip! Shirtless and hard ... because it's very hot!"

Fucking bastard! There I was blushing furiously; slapping my fists down onto the pillow in my lap as though hoping that would put everything back down into its appropriate position. I looked up helplessly as Bert and Quinn started laughing, finally locking eyes with Frank, begging him to save me from my embarrassment somehow.

But, when I made eye contact with Frank, he gave me an odd sort of look before quickly turning away. And if I didn't know better ... I would totally say that it was a look of pure jealousy!

Frank Iero was jealous because Bert was giving me a little bit of attention. Is it wrong that I was so thrilled about that? I mean, jealousy is power ... right? Well, it shows that he likes me enough to be upset when other people hit on me ... doesn't it?

Whatever! Frank was jealous - I have the power!

Then, Frank's eyes locked with something on my bedside table and his face scrunched up in confusion. He quickly turned to look at me, his eyebrow raised as he looked me up and down. My blood ran cold ... What had he seen? Had I done something wrong? Had he not noticed my rather obvious erection until just now?


"Gee," Frank began, still eyeing me suspiciously.

I gulped loudly as I struggled to think what the fuck I could have done wrong now. Apart from letting Bert straddle me whilst Frank was busy in the shower - hmmm!

"Um ... weren't you supposed to start work ten minutes ago?" Frank finished, glancing at the clock on my bedside table again.


I jumped up from the bed, the pillow falling to my feet as I ran around desperately trying to find something appropriate to wear. Frank just rolled his eyes at me whilst Bert and Quinn broke into another round of hysterical laughter.

"I'll call ahead, tell them you're running late ... again," Frank offered as he rummaged through one of my many clothing piles and passed me a shirt.

"Thanks Frank, tell them I'll be there in ten," I called back, glad that I lived so close to my place of employment.

Yet, as I made my way to the bathroom to change, I felt the discomfort in my pants and suddenly remembered that I still had a slight problem. I froze, staring up at Frank as I thought quickly about what to do.

"You know what ... better make that twenty. Tell them I'll be there in twenty minutes tops, so I can deal with - well, you know," I said, dashing for the bathroom and locking the door behind me.

And that was the beginning of my lovely normal day.


2 p.m. You wouldn't think that people finding out that you had a boyfriend would cause so much drama!

Unfortunately though, in my case - it did!

Brad, my manager was persistently trying to hit on me, apparently only taking note of the fact that I was into guys and not that I was into guys AND taken. He must have thrown every bad pick-up line in existence at me and I so don't want to be fired so I just smiled and nodded at him whenever he passed me by and 'accidentally' brushed his hand up against my ass.

On my lunch break when I went to get my coffee from the Star Bucks just a few stores up from ours, Sam served me. Now Sam is my coffee bitch who apparently has a crush on me as well. He blushed furiously as he slid over my steaming cup of coffee and by then I was so sick of it all I merely rolled my eyes at him and sighed so loudly the old lady next to me gave me a disgusted look and said "well I never!"

Luckily I didn't have to work registers today, Stacey kept winking at me from afar and the last thing I needed was to have her remind me that she was still super keen for a threesome if Frank and I ever wanted to shake things up a bit.

Jacob, the 'Barnes and Noble' bully, must have caught wind of my little coming out as well and was now more determined then ever to strangle me to death in the storage room. Every time I had to go back there to get boxes of books or CD's, he would follow me in. Lucky for me I was quite sneaky and I managed to duck behind all the boxes as I made a dash for the door unnoticed.

Honestly, if he still thinks I'm after his supervisor position he's got rocks in that fat head of his. Although, I would get more money and I'm positive I could get Brad to fold quite easily if I asked him to be promoted.

Still, Jacob said he'd smash my pretty face in. And I'm about a hundred percent sure he could follow through on that threat. Better leave it for now.

And finally there was Nathan. Now, he's my only really friend at work so I try to avoid the fact that he asked me out the other day. We've silently decided to come to an agreement of sorts where neither of us is going to bring up yesterday's desperation for him to get me on a date.

... Um - well, I think that about covers my day at work. I managed to leave with every limb still in tact, although it was certainly proving difficult to pry my hand out of Brad's as he tried to pull me into him and kiss me goodbye.

I dunno ... should I start looking for a job else where?

I'm actually starting to like all this attention. Last year everyone wanted to beat me up, this year everyone wants to take me out, buy me things and bribe me into their beds.

Is it really so bad?

3 p.m. Once again, I don't know why I let my guard down, I should know by now that the universe is out to get me.

On my way home from work all I could think about was how good it would be to put my feet up, watch some T.V. and have a nice cold beer. I should have fucking known that it was never that simple.

As soon as I pulled up in the driveway I groaned loudly and let my forehead bash down against the steering wheel.

... Instantly I regretted it. I have a lump on my head the size of a tennis ball - bitch of a thing.

So anyway, the reasoning behind it ... Quinn's car was still in the driveway, which meant that Bert and Quinn were still there. Sure enough, I followed their extremely loud voices right out into the backyard. And there they were.

At first I though I was going crazy, mainly because - it couldn't be, could it?

There was Bert, tongue between his teeth in concentration as he bent over two planks of wood with a nail in one hand and a hammer in the other. Then there was Quinn who was desperately trying to lift a row of nailed planks in-between two branches of the biggest tree in our yard.

They were fucking building something!

Now, I know that in itself isn't all that unusual, but like I've said hundreds of times before, I'm usually quite surprised when Bert and Quinn do anything but get stoned or drunk.

I had no idea what they were building as at that moment it didn't look like much other then some retarded tree house.

"Lift it higher Quinn, higher! You've got to lay it flat," a voice ordered.

I turned around to see who was giving instructions to Bert and Quinn and to my great surprise, there was Mikey! He was just lounging back in a chair, feet up, sunglasses on and a beer in his hand, lazily shouting out commands to the so called builders.

"Good idea Mikes ... how's it looking from there?" Quinn called back at him, stumbling around slightly under the weight of the planks of wood.

Mikey gave them a thumbs up before he turned to me and gave me a little wave. Curiosity finally getting the better of me, I approached my brother and took a seat next to him.

"Um ... Mikes, what the hell are they building?" I asked still staring transfixed at what was going on in my backyard.

"I have no fucking idea Gee. But they gave me beer if I told them where to put shit and hammer in a nail or something."

Mikey sipped at his beer as he pushed his sunglasses up his nose.

"Right ... so ... You have no idea what they're building, yet, you're the one telling them what to do?" I just had to ask, unsure if I was really all that clear on what was happening.

"Now you're getting it," Mikey said proudly.

And with that, he handed me a beer and we both just sat back and watched the festivities.

5 p.m. Its funny how time flies when you're watching two retards build something in a tree.

I had no idea how much time had passed and how many beers Mikey and I had had before my phone was going off and I was forced to answer it. I got a quick glimpse of the time before I answered the call ... it was mum.

"Hi Mum ... how's your holiday?"

"Oh Gee, honey, it's fantastic and I was just - oh ... what's that noise? Who's Mikey talking to?" Mum asked as Mikey started yelling more useless instructions to Bert and Quinn as they dropped a large pile of planks.

"Errrrr ... nothing. Mikey and I are just ... being creative," I said, positive that Mum wouldn't take to kindly to two of my friends building something in her backyard.

"Is Frank there again?" Mum asked, apparently not even listening to my previous explanation.

I couldn't help but notice the tone my mum used when she said 'again'. Was she getting a little suspicious at the fact that he was around all the time? Wait ... how did she know he was around all the time? He's only been around when she's been away. Is she watching me?????

Hmmm ... my old friend paranoia is back again. Just lovely.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I finally decided to ask. After all, I learnt to deal with my paranoia last year. Trick is - JUST SAY WHAT'S ON YOUR FUCKING MIND!

"Nothing dear, nothing at all. Just nice to see you have a little friend is all," Mum explained with a certain tone in her voice that I couldn't quite pick up on.


"Right ... well, what is it that you called for again?" I hurriedly put her back onto her original train of thought. Anything to get her off the topic of Frank and why he's around all the time.

"Oh yes, yes. Right well um ... the thing is ... you know what Gee, I've forgotten what I called for," she said before cracking up into a fit of laughter.

Stupid mother.

She said a hurried goodbye and promised to call back if she remembered what it was she called for. Oh I can't wait!

Mikey just handed me another beer as the hammering stopped and Quinn and Bert approuched us. It was then that I noticed the sky was getting quite black and that their days work was almost completed. It actually didn't look half bad, although I still couldn't figure out what I was supposed to do with a tree-house.

"So ... watcha think?" Bert gestured to the tree-house with a huge smile on his face.

"Errrr - it's awesome?"

"What is it?" Mikey quickly shot in, saying what I had been thinking.

"Well," Quinn began with an air of pride about him. "We figured seeming as though we'd be around here a lot more now -"

WOAH! Wait ... what? Why?

"- that - well, just because we can - we figured you could use with a real place of entertainment. So ... we built you -"

"A tree-top casino!" Bert interrupted, clearly just as eager as Quinn to finally tell us what they had made.

"Oh ... right! Well, it's cool," I said, inspecting it more closely now.

I guess a tree-top casino was more manly then a tree-house. We could work on making it look like a casino later ... oh, and on how we were going to hide it from my Mum.

"Don't know about you fuckers, but I'm starving. Let’s go to dinner!" Bert announced, taking one of Mikey's beers and drinking it all in one go. "Oh ... and Frank can come to dude. If you're not sick of him already."

I couldn't help but notice that even though Bert was joking about his last comment about Frank, he joked about my relationship with Frank a lot. It's almost as though he doesn't really think we're going out. Or he doesn't see him there at all ... it's a little unsettling.

Regardless, we were all starving and well, with mum and dad gone, there was literally nothing edible in the entire house.

5:30 p.m. Just as we were getting ready to go to dinner, my phone rang. It was Frank and he asked me if I would like to join him and his band for dinner after their show tonight.

I knew he had a show and that was exactly why I told Bert and Quinn that he wouldn't be joining us. Now I had to explain it to Frank and so I let him down as gently as possible by kindly explaining that I had to decline because I already had a date for that evening.

Okay, I could have explained it better. But Frank gets me a little more then he used to now so I think he understood.

God I hope he understood!

Well, he seemed a little upset as we ended our phone conversation rather more abruptly then usual. Oh well, he'll get over it. After all, why should I go to dinner with Frank and his friends AGAIN! I mean, I haven't seen Bert and Quinn in ages and technically they're my only friends, so I think it's only fair I get to see them tonight.

And of course, just as I got off the phone with Frank, my phone rang again.

"God, what now ... I'm hungry Gee!" Mikey whined as I flipped open my phone, put it to my ear and stuck my tongue out at him.

"Gee! I remember what I had to tell you now!"

It was my mum on the other end and she sounded sickeningly thrilled that she had remembered what she had to tell me.

"Yeah Mum, what is it?" I asked, seriously wishing I hadn't picked up the phone now.

"Have you and Mikey been feeding the cat?" she asked cheerily. I swallowed hard.

"Yes mum, of course I have!" I said, hardly believing she could think that I was that fucking irresponsible. "Look, I have to go, going out to dinner. Bye!"

With that we parted ways and the moment I hung up the phone I turned to Mikey with a worried look on my face.


Wednesday, January 29th

Early morning. New Jersey: My Basement. Oh god ... so hung over ... why did I drink so much?

Bits of the night are coming back to me in painful memory spurts. Every time a new one finds its way through the thick fog that is clouding my brain I cringe more and more. Turns out that nights out in a public place with Bert are just as bad as they've always been.

All in all, it wasn't a bad dinner. Quinn took us to a restaurant that one of his Uncles owned; which meant we got everything half price. For someone who’s as big a tight ass as I am, it was like a dream come true. Not to mention the fact that by the time we got there we were already pretty drunk. Just made the food taste even better.

The biggest problem though was the conversation that accompanied the good, half price feed. At first Quinn was asking small, subtle questions about mine and Frank's new found relationship, then Bert joined in. And he was far less subtle.

"So ... did it hurt when he fucked you?" Bert asked as though it was the most normal question in the world.

Mikey started choking on his hamburger whilst a man behind us quickly covered up his young daughters ears. I sunk lower into my seat as though hoping it would just suck me in and take me somewhere else. Apparently all the beer didn't help shield my embarrassment.

"Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww Bert! I don't want to know about my brother’s sex life," Mikey quickly butted in after spitting out the offending chunk of food.

I don't think Bert even heard Mikey; he was too busy studying me closely. I didn't like the way he looked at me. Truth was, Bert knew me too well, too many drunken nights making my tongue far too loose. He could see right through my indifferent expression and the moment he read my mind he smiled knowingly at me.


"You haven't slept with him yet!" Bert announced, pointing at me accusingly.

"You're joking right? How long have you been with him again?" Quinn joined in, dropping his fork onto his plate with a loud clutter, feigning shock.

I couldn't stop myself from moaning in embarrassment once again and cursing the fact that I couldn't simply melt away through the floor boards.

"Oh boy! This is fun!" Bert shouted out, clapping loudly. "I can't believe you're a butt-virgin! Want me to teach you a few things first?"

By that stage Bert had apparently gotten over taunting me, he now had a new sense of purpose as he stared at me with wide-eyed curiosity. Meanwhile, Mikey was still shielding his ears as he tried desperately to block out the conversation about me and Frank and butt-sex.

"No Bert, I don't want you to teach me anything," I said, shaking my head furiously at him hoping that he got the hint to drop the conversation.

"You sure Gee? I'm a great teacher," Bert explained. "We can play army men together - just so I can blow the hell out of you."

Quinn exploded into a fit of laughter whilst the man behind us grabbed his family and promptly left the restaurant. It was a good thing Quinn was related to the owner, I was positive that kind of talk would have us kicked out of anywhere else.

"But seriously Gee ... he's in that band isn't he? Pencey Prep? Isn't the drummer gay? Shit Gee, if you don't start putting out he might just find something better. Didn't you say he was going out with the band tonight?" Bert said, clearly finding my embarrassment and now paranoia, side-splittingly amusing.

I guess Mikey wasn't trying as hard not to listen as it appeared because he heard Bert's taunt and instantly tried to reassure me that Frank would not get bored with me.

He's a good brother, he knew that I would be completely flipping out over Bert's words ... and I was. Because who the fuck was this drummer? Why didn't Frank tell me he was gay? Was he really just having dinner with them?

Quinn and Bert just laughed into their beers as they watched me push my plate away. I wasn't hungry after hearing that and they ruined the rest of my night.

Fucking paranoia ... must be the booze.

Worst thing was, I tried to do the right thing. How do I deal with my problems? I say what's on my mind. Or ask or do or whatever is appropriate. At that moment, I figured I would ring Frank, just to see what he was up to.

Okay, so I was checking up on him, but I couldn't help it. I was drunk and Bert was very influential.

Apparently it was a bad call. I rang three times and Frank didn't pick up. Each time I got his voice mail and each time I quickly hung-up before the beep. What was I supposed to say?

So that was early last night. It is now Wednesday morning ... not even a text from Frank explaining why he couldn't answer his phone.

Oh dear lord! Why didn't I just have sex with him? None of this would have fucking happened!

10 a.m. Still hasn't called.

2 p.m. Still hasn't called.

4 p.m. Still hasn't called.

7 p.m. Oh shit! I've been dumped. Replaced by somebody else because I wouldn't put out!

9 p.m. It's all good! You can relax now! Frank just sent a text saying he would call me in an hour ... well actually he sent that an hour ago ... which means he should be calling now...

Ummm ... where the fuck is he?

9:15 p.m. The phone just rang and I dropped my phone three times in my haste to pick it up.

"Hello? Hello? Frank?" I shouted into the phone, trying to compose myself but slightly concerned that I had damaged my phone with the number of times I had dropped it hard onto the floor.

"What? No dear it's your Mum," the caller said in alarm at being yelled at. "Not Frank ... M.U.M - your mother ... you remember?"

I swear there is something wrong with that woman.

"Yes I remember! I - I just thought you were someone - never mind. What do you want?"

She always knows the wrong fucking times to call.

"I just rang to tell you that your father and I won a free trip away! Which means we will be going on holidays again mid-year ... aren't we lucky?"

Yeah, very fucking lucky. I haven't had a proper holiday in years. The wedding at the end of last year was the only time I had away in a long time and that was rubbish! Well ... aside from Frank turning up -

Oh shit! What if Frank's trying to call whilst I'm on the phone to my Mum!

"- and so we really want to go, but you'll be at college and poor little Mikey will be home all on his own. I can't leave my baby there in a big house all on by himself," Mum continued, most of it unheard by my rather scattered mind.

It's funny how Mum is so worried about her baby being home alone. If she saw how much Mikey smoked, drank, skipped school and partied I was certain she wouldn't have even bothered to call with her concerns.

"- I honestly don't think he's ever been home on his own before. I'd let him have some friends around but you know how impressionable teenagers can be. I don't want them to bring alcohol around, he's never drank before and I'm afraid it'll hit him hard and he'll burn the house down or something. You know what he's like with the toaster!"

She just doesn't stop talking!!! What if Frank's trying to call?

Finally I convinced her that it could wait until they got back to discuss. Apparently she didn't catch the impatience in my voice cause she kept going on and on until I pulled the old, "Oh shit! You're breaking up ... Hello? Mum? Muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum?"

Then I promptly hung-up the phone and rolled my eyes, then I checked the screen to make sure Frank hadn't called or sent me any messages whilst I had been on the phone with my mother.

I even checked my message bank to make sure I hadn't accidentally deleted his messages and not realised he had left a voice recording.

Mikey just walked past, took one look at me desperately checking my phone and slapped his palm against his face.

"Fuck Gee! Not this again!"

Thursday, January 30th

86kg (apparently paranoia is good for something), 10 beers (drank them all before Frank called, they were worry beers, for comfort only), 178 cigarettes (I haven't smoked in a while so it's completely fine!), no. of times checked my phone for messages: 5,000 (hmmm, might be a little obsessive).

3 p.m. Frank called! I knew he would. Sure, it only took him nineteen hours longer then he promised, but whose counting ... right? RIGHT?

Anyway, turns out he had a pretty good excuse for not calling when he said he would. His band is doing really, really well. This big record company called 'Eyeball Records’ has invited them to a giant record release party that's on tomorrow night.

Sure, it's not exactly Frank's bands record that they're releasing, but they got an invite and that's pretty huge. Instantly I had to forgive him ... I mean, he just sounded so excited and I know how much the band and music means to him. It's pretty huge! I'm fucking excited for him!

And then, he invited me to go with him!

That's right! The fucking vampire-looking art-nerd is going to a record release party!

Oh man, I'm so excited! Frank's so excited!

FUCK! How exciting!

4 p.m. Just realised that I'm going to a big important party - a big important party for Frank!

Doesn't this mean that I have to, you know, make a good impression and stuff. I mean, I'm his date. What I do and say is a reflection on Frank. I have to make a good impression.

Wait! Has Frank even told the band that me and him are together ... as in dating together. As in he's gay and he fancy's me together?

Shit! What if I'm not cool enough for the big punk-rock stars?

5 p.m. Okay, once again, I did the right thing ... at least I think I did.

I had a problem, I dealt with it. I swallowed my pride and dialed Frank's number once I found that my brain couldn't think of any good reason why people at the party tomorrow would find me cool.

"Gee? What's up? Please don't tell me you can't make it?" Frank said, the moment he picked up the phone.

Okay, so I felt kind of gooey inside. I know it's fucking lame, but awwwwwwwwwww, he really, as in REALLY, wants me to go.


Yes ... I really did shout it at him. But, it all just built up and I was becoming slightly hysterical.

"What? Gee, don't be stupid!"

"Fuck Frank! I don't know what to wear, how to act or what to do!"

I couldn't help it, he was being so nice and even as I listed my concerns I knew I was being stupid. It was just another party; I have been to thousands of them before.

"Gee! Calm down! You don't have to worry man, they'll love you! Trust me," Frank said.

And you know what, I instantly did. He just sounded so sure.

"Do they know that - well, I mean, does your band know that -"

"Yeah Gee, they know I'm gay and they know I'm going out with someone," Frank jumped in before I could finish. I could tell he was finding my concerns highly amusing.

... Bastard.

Yet, it was strange. The moment Frank said he was going out with someone I instantly began to panic. Who the fuck was he -

"Someone named Gerard," Frank hastily told me, interrupting my thoughts.

Wait ... what?

How did he know that the moment he said he was going out with someone all I could think of was who is he?

Guess he knows me better then I thought.

"Thanks Frank ... talk to you tomorrow," I settled on saying, deciding that I had nothing else to say.

Frank knew me to well. I would be fine.

"Night Gee ... I'll text you in the morning."

With that I hung-up the phone with a huge smile.

The party will be fun ... I'm fine. Good old Frank.

8 p.m. In answer to your unasked question, YES! Okay ... yes!

The moment I got off the phone to Frank I began to panic again. I stared at the Lord of the Rings Orc sword mounted on my wall directly above my desk, which was covered in comic-book sketches and strategies for Dungeons and Dragons, and confirmed my fears.

I wasn't cool!

In a fit of worry I ran out of my basement and crashed through Mikey's door. He was standing in front of his mirror in his underwear, slowly straightening his hair and as I dove at him his face lit up in alarm.

As the two of us fell unceremoniously onto the floor, it only took Mikey a few minutes to recover before he was sighing and rolling his eyes at my almost daily routine of bowling him over.

"What's wrong now?" he asked casually as I tried to catch my breath. I smoke alot, the trip to Mikey's room was a lot of effort.

"Mikey? Am I cool? You know ... cool enough to show off to cool people who think you're cool and you want to keep up your cool reputation?" I explained lazily, knowing that Mikey would understand that I made no sense.


"No Gee!" Mikey said abruptly, sitting up and staring down at me still sprawled out on his floor. "You're not fucking cool and you'll never ever be cool!"

I just stared at him in total shock! He was my fucking brother! Mikey Way - he knew me like the back of his hand! Didn't he know that those words would send me to an early grave?

"But Gee ... that's why people like you! Cool people try too fucking hard to be cool. You, you're just Gerard - and that's a league all on its own," Mikey continued when he noted the confused look on my face.

I smiled weekly at him. So he did know me after all ... but cool people didn't know they tried too hard to be cool. That still didn't solve my problem.

"Are you seriously that worried about impressing Frank?" Mikey asked, wriggling a few fingers under his glasses to rub at his eyes in frustration.

"Mikey, do you seriously even have to ask that?"

"True ... But, he's in a band Gee! Have you looked in the mirror? You'll fit right on it. You have that rock-star look about you!"

Instantly I paused, taking in Mikey's words and raising my eyebrows at him.

"I do?"

"Yeah sure you do Gee! You've got the hair, you've got the style ... I mean, David Cassidy was kind of a star and well, some people thought he rocked - and well, you guys are practically identical!" Mikey continued, smiling wickedly at me.

David fucking Cassidy ... SHIT!

"Fuck you Mikey!"

And yet ... I felt slightly better because he always knew the right things to say.

"Um Gee ... where's my straightener?" Mikey suddenly asked, his face dropping in slightly worry.

"Huh? I don't know, weren't you just holding onto -"

But I couldn't finish because it was at that moment that I felt a rather odd sensation on my butt. It was also then that I noticed my pants felt rather uncomfortable against my skin and ... what was that smell? Burnt flesh maybe?


Friday, January 31st

87kg (you know what - fuck off! I don't care!), 21 beers (that's including the party, unfortunately I had sobered up by bed time ... alcohol isn't what it used to be), 78 cigarettes (for the sake of glaring ... it helps), no. of injuries obtained by hair straighteners: 1.

Late night. New Jersey: Basement. Last night I had a revelation. Okay, not really ... I just decided that it was too exhausting staying up all night worrying about the party, especially considering I had a giant burn mark on my backside. So instead I listened to Mikey's advice and just decided to try and be myself.

Which of course was probably harder to do then pretending to be someone else. Got me? Good.

So I showered (I know right - WOW!), got dressed, raided Mum's make-up (FUCK YOU! It's like a nervous twitch you know ... you're doing it and you'll never realise until somebody points it out) and actually took some time to tend to my unruly hair. It had grown more since my grandma had cut it last year and now that it was slightly longer you could see how unevenly she had trimmed it.

I didn't even bother inspecting myself in the mirror before I left my room. If I was going to be myself then it was better that I didn't know what that looked like.

My god ... I think I had a moment today. It was the first time in my life I actually cared about how I looked. Even when I dated Amy and had to put up with her awfully strict mother, I still didn't put any effort into my appearance.

Frank had texted me early this morning to tell me he would pick me up at five. I made my way out of the basement and into the lounge room at ten to. See ... even on time. Another first. It was a good start!

Mikey was sitting on the lounge, engrossed in a comic book. The moment I stepped into the room he put down his book and stared at me.

... he didn't say anything, he just continued to stare until I shuffled around feeling extremely uncomfortable.

"What? The eyeliner too much? Shit, it is isn't it? Dam it ... what was I thinking? Make-up is for girls!" I shouted hysterically. Mikey just rolled his eyes.

"God Gee ... just relax. Shit ... you're even starting to act like a girl ..."

He said the last part softly, but I heard him. Still, I was too busy wondering why the fuck he stared at me the way he did when I first entered the room to really care.

Was it the pants? Were they too tight? Mum said I had the perfect legs for girls jeans ... What if she was wrong!?!?!?!?!?!?

"Mikey, tell me what's wrong!!!!!!" I snapped, but he just shook his head and returned to his comic-book. "Fine ... I'm not going!"

"What? Don't be stupid!" Mikey quickly shot back, lowering the comic once again.

I opened my mouth to snap back at him but at that moment there was a knock on the door.



"Get the fucking door!" Mikey shouted, breaking through my thoughts.

Somehow I managed to move myself to the door and reach out to swing it open. There was Frank, looking fucking perfect as usual. He had on his ripped jeans and a black jumper with a wolf on the front. He had had a hair cut to; the dark side was perfectly styled into his usual side fringe whilst the blonde side was so recently dyed that it practically looked white.

... And he had eyeliner on as well! Not to mention eye shadow ... I suddenly felt quite under-dressed.

Frank just stared back at me in the same way Mikey did. When he raised his eyebrows and lingered on my t-shirt I felt close to loosing it. After all, I had gone to all that effort to be myself!

"Gee ... shit. You look - well, you look -"

"WHAT? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?" I finally snapped, unable to take their staring anymore.

"Nothing Gee! You look fucking great!" Frank said, unfazed by my yelling as his eyes continued to look me up and down.

Then, he glanced over at Mikey nervously before stepping closer to me and quickly kissing me on the lips. Instantly I felt my panic wash away and I realised how stupid I had been.

"There is just one thing though," Frank began, looking quite nervous as though unsure whether to proceed or not. "Y-you might want to change your shirt."

I scrunched up my face in confusion as I looked from Frank's kind smile to Mikey who was burying his grin back behind his comic-book. I glanced down at my shirt and realised my mistake almost instantly.

So caught up in what I looked like and trying to be myself, I had completely forgotten that I had my old shirt for washing cars and dying hair on.

It had Britney Spears on the front with the words "Hit me baby one more time", in bold lettering across the top.

"Oh shit! Erm - right ..."

"Darn it Frank," Mikey whined, finally speaking up again. "Why'd you have to tell him?"

I gave him the finger before walking off to change my shirt.

... And I couldn't help but notice that Frank was watching me leave the room with extreme fascination. Of course, it may have been because I was walking with a slight limp ... after all, try moving around in tight pants that rub against your ass when you've had it practically burnt to a crisp by your brothers hair straightener!

It didn't take me long to change my shirt to something a little more appropriate. I figured 'The Misfits' was a better slogan to have on my shirt then 'Hit me baby one more time'. Apparently satisfied, Frank just smiled kindly at me as we got into his car and drove to the party.

All I can say is that it had the potential to be the best fucking date ever!

For starters, I hated those cheesy dinner dates or movie dates - this was different. It was a party with booze and loud fucking music. In a word, it was perfect!

The moment we arrived I was so happy I could hardly contain myself. Frank must have noticed because he beamed at me and even grabbed my hand as he walked up to the rest of his band.

Now I had met them all before, after New Year's Frank had played several shows that I had attended, but never had it been said that we were officially boyfriend and - er - boyfriend. Still, most of them acted as though they had always known and really, it wouldn't surprise me. Guess, we weren't all that subtle.

Still, it wasn't Frank's band mates that worried me. They knew me and they liked me, it was everyone else that I was worried about. And sure enough, half-an-hour after our arrival I found myself away from Pencey Prep and locked in conversation with some other group of guys that I had never seen before in my life.

"What you say your name was again?" one of them asked, clearly drunk as he inspected me so closely that he wobbled around dangerously on the spot.

"Er - Gerard ... Gerard Way."

"NO FUCKING WAY! Are you Frank's new boyfriend?" another of the group asked, this one sporting some terribly messy dreadlocks.

"Well - we've only been - but I guess you could ... sure."

Once everyone knew that little fact about me, they seemed far more interested to get to talk with me and get to know me a bit better.

"So Gerard, you play an instrument?" another musician asked me as they passed me a beer.

I sipped at it eagerly as I side-glanced nervously at Frank. The moment the alcohol touched my tongue I felt suddenly so relaxed. After all, the last couple of days had been packed so full of crazy that I needed the release.

"Well, I can play guitar a little, but I mainly just draw and play video games," I admitted with a shrug of my shoulders.

I figured that Mikey's advice was good. I had to be myself, if they didn't like me then I guess it just wasn't worth it.

To my great surprise Frank just giggled at me as he pulled me into a quick hug. Instantly I just fucking melted. Pathetic, I know, but I honestly thought he'd be embarrassed by me ... instead, he just continued to show me off proudly to his friends.

By eight o'clock I managed to get together an entire team for an online game of Dungeons and Dragons and get myself pretty wasted. After all, I just kept getting handed beer after beer after beer. And I can never EVER turn down free beer.

There weren’t any speeches or live-bands playing like I thought there would be, it turned out all these parties were really for was to get everyone and anyone who was in a band together to get drunk. Suited me just fine.

Still, after a few hours of drinking, disorientation started to kick in and I lost site of Frank as we both finally branched off and met up with some of our own friends. When I finally spotted him again, he was chatting animatedly to the drummer from his band, Simon.

Simon was a nice enough guy, but at that moment I was fairly drunk and Bert's words were rushing through my head. What if Frank was bored with me? Fair enough he was attracted to me and he liked me well enough ... but that didn't mean that he wouldn't go off to satisfy his sexual needs with someone else!

Straight away I knew that I had to win Frank back somehow. It was all a game to me and at that moment I was just a few points down. So, instantly I noticed that everyone else around me had a plate of food in their hands as they had just started serving up some dinner. Frank didn't have any food, he just had a beer in his hand as he continued to chat to Simon.

So, I made my way up to the food table and filled up a plate for me and a plate for Frank. Okay, so I know it was a fucking pathetic attempt to get some attention, but I was drunk and I was desperate!

I made my way over to Frank and handed over the plate of food. Frank greeted me drunkenly before he accepted the plate of food and smiled at me kindly.

And yet ... he hardly ate any of it! I watched him the whole time (NOT CREAPY - Shut up!) and he ate some of the salad and some of the potato bake before pushing the steak, sausages and chicken around the plate and then promptly passing it on to someone else who was eyeing it hungrily.

I couldn't believe that Frank would just give the plate of food, that I so carefully filled up for him, away! I have to admit, I felt extremely rejected by that stage, so rejected that I didn't notice Simon watching me in confusion.

"Gerard, Frank's a vegetarian ... didn't you know that?" Simon suddenly announced, staring at me in slight amusement.

It's safe to say that by that stage I completely flipped out! After all, I hadn't known Frank all that long and how was I supposed to know something like that if he didn't tell me!

All of a sudden it made sense. The steak the other night! He had never been offended or upset that I had burnt the shit out of it; he was upset because he didn't eat meat ... AT ALL!

"Oh and by the way," Simon continued to say, interrupting my thoughts. "He has a really bad fear of spiders to."

"I know that thank you!" I practically shouted at him in annoyance.

"Cool ... just thought I'd let you know before you buy him a huntsmen for his birthday or something," Simon said, in a tone that made me want to lash out and bash the living shit out of him.

As it just so happened, I didn't hit him ... but man I wish I had of because I'm sure it would have helped.

For the next hour I just stood awkwardly with a group of people I hardly knew, watching Frank from afar. He had moved on to talk to the owners of 'Eyeball Records' and I didn't want to interrupt. I decided it was best for me to stay out of the way. After all, Frank deserved this; he didn't need an annoyingly needy boyfriend chasing after him all night.

Yet, I couldn't stop obsessively worrying over the fact that Frank had never fucking told me he was a vegetarian. I'm sorry to sound like a freak, but it's a pretty big life-style choice and well, I just figured I should have at least known about it. I felt so stupid being told by somebody else that he didn't eat meat.

What else has Frank kept from me?

I had no idea how much time passed before Frank came stumbling up to me with a beer. He handed it to me and smiled fondly at me. I smiled back ... but it wasn't right and apparently Frank noticed.

"Gee ... you okay? I'm sorry I ditched you dude," he said, looking at me worriedly as though sensing that I was quite upset.

"It's no biggy; I'm alright ... meeting lots of new people. Just go enjoy your party," I suggested, but even I cringed at the bitterness in my voice.

"Come on Gee! Tell me what's wrong," Frank persisted, nudging me gently with his elbow.

I took a deep breath, knowing that if I got angry it wouldn't get me anywhere. Instead, I decided to go about it the grown-up way.

"Shit Frank! Why didn't you tell me you were a vegetarian," I said, as calmly as possible. But I was unable to keep my bottom lip from sticking out. I was good at pouting.

"You're fucking joking right? Everyone knows that Frank's a fucking vego," some other random announced with a slight chuckle.

My blood boiled by that point. Fuck! They had no idea that I had technically only known Frank for a month!

Frank must have noticed my annoyance at being laughed at because he stared at me worriedly as he gently grabbed the top of my arm and pulled me aside.

"Shit Gee ... Just ignore them, okay? It's alright, you didn't know. And that's completely my fault. I was keeping it a secret from you," Frank explained, letting go of my arm and staring at me nervously.

"But why?" I pushed, sounding like an annoying little child who needed to know the answers to everything.

"Well, I wasn't sure how you'd react. You cooked me dinner Gee, that was really nice of you! How was I supposed to explain that the only thing you could ever cook for me in future would be salad, pasta and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches?"

Frank stared at me sadly before lowering his head as though ashamed of his lifestyle choice. It did make it difficult to actually make him something nice. But shit, I didn't cook all that often and that stuff was fucking easier then what I had tried to make the other night!

"Shit Frank! I love all that stuff - plus it's easy to cook. You should have told me," I continued to whine.

Okay, you know what, I knew that I was keeping my drawing and my comic-books from Frank, but this was different. It was Frank, he wasn't supposed to lie to me ... he wasn't supposed to keep this stuff from me!

"I'm sorry Gee, seriously! Maybe we should get out of here ..." Frank settled on saying, apparently noticing that the party wasn't quite so fun now that we were arguing slightly.

I let out a heavy sigh and smiled at Frank the best I could. After all, we had been going out for a month; there was no way we were expected to know everything about each other just yet. Still, it sucked that everyone else seemed to know Frank better then I did - especially the gay drummer, Simon.

Frank was right, as much as I wanted to stay at the party and drink my problems away; I knew that it was best if we left.

"Yeah, you're right," I said, smiling much more genuinely this time. "I'll get you a veggie-burger from the take-away shop near home ... you didn't get much for dinner."

With those words, Franks serious expression cracked into a smile so big that I couldn't help but smile warmly back at him.

The only thing stopping us from leaving was me ... I needed to pee and badly.

I quickly excused myself and got about three different people to give me directions to get to the bathroom before I finally found it. By the time I relieved myself and made my way back out to Frank, I was met with a site that made me freeze instantly.

There was Frank, once again, having a lovely conversation with Simon. Okay, I can completely understand that they're in a band together and have been friends for some time, but when Simon leaned in to whisper something into Frank's ear I felt my heart pause as though waiting for something, anything to tell me that this was all just innocent fun.

Then, they both burst into fits of laughter at whatever was said and I couldn't help but feel that they were both secretly laughing at me.

Sure, I know I should get over myself and all, but seriously, I just had that feeling in my gut ... one that I couldn't ignore.

I approached Frank casually, after all, we had done enough arguing that night and the alcohol was still swimming around in my head, I didn't want to turn this into one big fat misunderstanding.

"Oh hey Gee ... ready to go?" Frank said, as I brushed up against him, just to let him know that I was there.

Simon just smiled at me smugly as he looked me up and down. If I didn't know any better, I could have sworn he was sizing me up.

Frank said his last goodbyes and we left the party rather early. As we were both too drunk to drive we caught a taxi to the take-away shop, got some veggie-burgers to go and walked the rest of the way back to my house.

We didn't talk much on the way and apparently Frank must have got the hint that I had had enough for one night, because he didn't try to push the matter further. Mikey was asleep by the time we got back and we ate our burgers whilst lightly discussing the party.

Eventually we crawled into my bed, said our goodnights and within minutes Frank was drifting off into a surprisingly restless sleep.

Me, I couldn't sleep at all. Hence why I'm writing in my stupid diary. Darn thing is taking over my life.

Guess I learnt something tonight though. I felt so good because Frank was jealous of me and Bert even though we were both just friends. Still, wasn't I acting exactly the same over Frank and his friend Simon?

Everything's so much more different when it happens to you.


AN: Sorry it took so long to update guys ... but lookie! I updated, he he he. And I'm sorry I haven't been writing back to your reviews, for some reason the web site keeps stuffing up every time I try to. I really do appreciate all the comments and I don't want you to think I'm ignoring them. I'll write back as soon as it works again ;)
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