canustakemyheart's POV challenge POV – Mikey Way (2006 - Paramour Mansion)
canustakemyheart's POV challenge
POV - Mikey Way (2006 - Paramour Mansion)
Why do I feel this way? I have no fucking idea. I didn't realise what was happening I just slowly started to break away from eveyone. The things that I loved to do became so difficult. I can't say for sure what started it, maybe it was losing my grandmother, maybe it was all the pressure with the band or my dad having a heart attack on the bus. Somehow I lost the ability to deal with things. I've always been quite confident with people, hell it was me that gave my brother the confidence to believe in himself but now I'm slowly falling apart. Others have noticed despite my attempts to laugh it off. I had for so long been able to keep myself to myself especially when everything had been so hectic. My brother, I should probably tell you his name, he's Gerard. We have always been close but recently we've not really talked. I mean we've spoken but not really talked. He laughs when he see's me creeping into his room at night to sleep on his floor under the illusion that the previous incident with the slaming door was the cause of my fear. Yeah that's me, the brother that sat up for hours with him watching horror movies is now afraid of his own shadow. I guess I didn't want him to really see me like this. He's the one that always had the problems. I watched him at school curl into himself. The years of coming home and locking himself in his cellar of a room. There wasn't a month where something wasn't going on with Gerard. He would never really speak to anyone about it, occassionally you would catch him at a moment where he would open up, usually he was drunk. I remember my parents constant worry about him and I guess I didn't want them to have to go through that again with me.
I am going to lose all those that I care about, this black hole that now sucks me in, I can't bare to spend another day with these dark thoughts. The album is going to the ground, everyone's cracking up with the pressure. Gerard had these great ideas but we're struggling to reach them. People are expecting so much, this is make or break time but how can 5 guys match these expectations especially with a bass player that can't even strum a fucking chorus. Ray is losing patience with me, my stomach is jumping up and down everytime I put that strap over my shoulder. It never used to be like like this. It used to be so easy, well never easy but kinda natural. I always had to practice more than anyone else and I was always concentrating on stage. Some people called me sullen and aloof but that's just because I don't have that natural flow that seems to come so easily to Frank or Ray. I remember the time someone thought it would be funny to throw me a beginners guide to playing bass. Yeah that was fucking funny but perhaps they had a point. This shell that I've built myself gives me the excuse to keep away from fans, maybe if I look pissed off enough nobody will come near me. Bob's always telling me to stop reading the shit on the internet. He's right of course but it's like a drug of some sort, I know it's bad but yet I need the justification of what people to think. The amount of times I've read that people think I'm a moody bastard with a stick up his arse. Written words are often harsher than a beating. I think my constant need to be told I'm doing okay is fucking everyone off. I tried to tell Gerard this morning when I fucked up again that they should maybe think about getting someone else in. Fuck, fuck, fuck there's no escape.
I have such guilt, how can I think of doing something when others look at me and think there's a guy that has everything, a family that loves me, great friends, a brilliant job and a woman that loves me. I don't deserve it, i betray them with every thought of taking myself away from it all. People say it's the easy way out and how they would never forgive someone for doing it. But how can it be such a easy way when even the thought of it makes me feel so shit. If I had the balls I would just do it and give everyone the escape from me. What kind of man am I? A weak, pathetic and self-indulgent moron. I need to get out of here. I can't stand the darkness in here and that fucking blue light is driving me insane. It's laughing at me, twisting my thoughts. This place is seriously messed up, all the shit that's going on. It's either some totally fucked up spooky house theme park or I'm going crazy. Who the fuck decided this would be a good place to record our album? I need to get out, I need to get out of here before I'm trapped in here for the rest of my life.
I hope I've done this right, I just let all this stuff flow out and I hope it's readable. I did read the links and if I've done this wrong I will have made a complete arse of myself haha. Any reviews would be greatly received.