Categories > Books > Harry Potter
Harry's Secret
Every one has secrets and Harry Potter is no exception, but when Hermione literally walks in on it; things get hairy...
?Blocked
Reviews
Harry's Secret
(#) scruffy1 2009-03-05
I've got to say the follow up scene I'm looking for is when Harry and Hermione appear down in the kitchen and Ron tries to put some moves on Hermione. I think the Alpha Wolf will do a little teaching that no human messes with his mate.
And if the oldest Weasley brother or Remus are around do they recognize the Alpha.
Come on Harry has to be ALPHA!
Scruffy
Harry's Secret
(#) SmokinDragon 2009-03-05
Common courtesy would have been a BESTIALITY warning somewhere at the start.Harry's Secret
(#) malaskor 2009-03-05
I wonder if Hermione now contracted lycantrophy herself... I guess it depends on how you plan to handle how it can be transmitted in your version of the Potter-verse, but maybe all bodily fluids, not just the saliva do that...
Anyway, hot and kinky story. Well done.Harry's Secret
(#) Cateagle 2009-03-05
Well, now, that was quite a hot and kinky piece, my compliments. There were a few typoes, but they didn't detract from the work. This one does cry out for either further chapters or sequels touching on, among other things, Ron & Ginny's reactions to teh new couple, Hermione's reaction when Harry tells her that his lycan form thinks she'd be a hot she-wolf (-grin- bonus points if she says "But I refuse the name "Ilsa" for my lycan form) and asks if she wants to join him in that condition. a couple groups chats, Harry-Remus-Bill and Hermione-Tonks-Fleur, plus one with all six. Beyond that, if Harry has both basilisk poison and phoenix tears floating around in his blood, would they truly make this a final case of "biting off more than he could chew" for Greyback?Harry's Secret
(#) Dragen 2009-03-06
Oh what a great and hot start to the story mate, I like how Hermione found out that Harry is a Werewolf.
Oh I love Harry the Werewolf and Hermione moment, great work. I hope to see Harry take Hermione as the lustful bitch in heat she would soon become, as that would be great to see.
After reading this, it could be fun to write a Werewolf Harry myself, and seeing as wolf's are Dom beasts, it would be up my street. Thenks for bringing the idea out.Harry's Secret
(#) bgoldnyxnet 2009-03-06
stretching her walls to their very limits as he forced himself deep inside her core
Too cliché for words
Hermione ridding him
riding
their antics seemed to of unlocked a side to Hermione
of -> have. In general, (verb) to have (as in seemed "to have") or (modal) have (as in "would have"). Modal auxiliaries are: will, would, shall, should, must, could, might, may,
Harry defending her hour
honor
Instead, she was presented with a night that very essence revolved around animal lust and pent up longing
that -> whose, or "instead, the night's very essence revolved…"
and he was about to devourer
devour
as watched the wolf form of her best friend approach and taking a cautious step back; the witch felt the hard wood of the door press against her back.
…as _she_ watched the wolf form…
and, taking a cautious step back, the witch… (the sub-clause "taking…back" modifies the clause "the witch felt…". Therefore, set it off with commas like an appositive.
how long she'd been lying their
there
and their was no doubt in her mind that he would kill and then eat her bloody remains..
their -> there
He would kill her bloody remains? I suspect you mean "he would kill her and eat her bloody remains." (which is also purple prose for "eat her body", or just "kill and eat her").
.are either of you two in their
there
pressed the end of his muzzle against her lips, sealing them in an almost human kiss.
Here we get into the real problems with this otherwise promising piece of porn: wolves don't kiss the way humans do. They lick. They smell — the scent of an aroused she-wolf is a power turn-on for a male.
and plundering her orifice with his savage tongue like it were the belly of a deer.
What? It sounds like rape, not like a French Kiss. "orifice" for mouth? And comparing her mouth to the belly of a deer? Sex and hunting are very different emotions for a wolf.
To stunned to dare move
Too stunned…
to: preposition, goes before a noun — or preceding a verb makes the infinitive ("to (boldly) go where no man has gone before")
two: number 2
too: adverb: excessively. In this case, a pithier way to express "more stunned than would allow her to move"
an overwhelming cocktail that quite literally stepped on his tail…
I wish this had appeared in a newspaper somewhere. I would submit it to Fowler's Modern English Usage for their article on misuse of literally. A cocktail stepped on his tail? Really? In the first place, literally should not be used when you mean virtually. In the second, even "virtually" doesn't fit this sentence. Let's try… to form an overwhelming _sexual_ cocktail that brought him up short as if someone had stepped on his tail.
As I've written in other reviews, "The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug." (Mark Twain). A writer should take the time and effort to find and use the right word, so as to produce the effect of lightning on his reader instead of a mere lightning bug.
Revelling in the sight of her like she were some magnificent doe just ripe for devouring, Harry's ravenous eyes slowly travelled up the creamy white skin of her slender torso to the luscious sight of her fully formed breasts; their milky complexion accentuated somewhat by the contrasting rosy shade of her stiff nipples. Just gazing at the magnificent orbs sent a shiver down the wolf's spine as he felt his considerably aroused wolfhood growing and protruding from it's warm sheath to hang between his hind legs as the still human part of his mind marvelled her beauty.
Reveling
_its_ warm sheath
marveled
Worse yet, wolves don't have breasts like humans, and human breasts aren't going to be a turn-on to a wolf. It would be not unreasonable if you had Harry thinking like a human, but with one or two exceptions all your insights into his thoughts during this scene show the thoughts of a wolf. As such, he should have the sexual reactions of a wolf and be turned by her arousal scent rather than by her breasts.
Herewith the lecture on it's and its. 'Its" is a possessive pronoun, "of it". Would you say "he'r towel"? "hi's book"? Write "Its warm sheath" just as you would "his warm sheath". "It's" is a contraction: it is. _ It's_ a shame you never learned to write grammatical English. The grammar school you went to should have a paddle applied to _its_ (metaphorical) backside.
With her heart loudly beating loudly in her ear's
ears: simple s for a plural, apostrophe for a possessive.
…and didn't notice just how fast he was driving the poor girl to a mind blowing climax. However, he did knew it wouldn't be long now till she reached her peak.
Make up your mind. If he "didn't notice", then how did he "know it wouldn't be long now".
is poor Harry upset because he is no long in charge?
longer. Even better would be "he's not in charge any longer" — less stilted.
Despite this, she slowly continued to lower her oral cavity down the entire length of Harry's 12 inch cock, shivering slightly as she felt its hard, heated texture rub the sides of her warm mouth before pushing into her throat and only when her soft lips had reached the base of the werewolf''s magnificent shaft did she stop.
Come on, now. Male masturbation fantasy is all very well, but this is ridiculous. Hermione has _no_ previous sexual experience. Almost certainly she has never given head to anybody before, male or female. Yet now she is able to deep-throat a 12" penis on the first try? Beyond believability. And, I might add, completely unnecessary for the male's pleasure — all the most sensitive spots are on the head and the next inch or so.
Harry Reems (the male star of "Deep Throat") commented that it was actually rather painful, not at all pleasurable.
burning orifice
More porn cliché. It's very tempting when writing porn to use lots of different words for the same object, action, or condition, because you are describing the same body parts over and over. But overdoing it just leads to the writing error called "elegant variation"
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elegant_variation
IOW, vary your words a little, but don't think you have to find 100 synonyms for mouth, penis, vagina, thrust, etc. Stick with a few that you really understand the meaning (and connotation) of. [Among other things, while a mouth is technically an orifice, the word conjures up images of a vagina or anus.]
Enough for one day's reading…
Harry's Secret
(#) lycus 2009-03-06
I was a little shocked by this story. but I still liked it. And I agree that you have to have a follow up chapter the day after scene will be great and having Ron trying to hit on Harry's mate will be something great to read.Harry's Secret
(#) Wolfric 2009-03-07
I enjoyed it. It is sexy , funny and fast paced. Thanks for writing. W.Harry's Secret
(#) waterfox 2009-03-07
this is very good. i hope you continue this as a full on story the writting is really good and trust me there are way worse beast fics out there. please write more
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