"Other than breaking up with my boyfriend and finding a new friend I don't have family." Shit! Another hint dropped. I really need to fucking shut up right now.
"Yeah." I spit the remains out and gave a thumbs up. "I'll be fine."
"I should have known my cooking would possibly kill you." He sighed and shook his head. I just burst out laughing. "What?"
"It's not your cooking." I laughed more.
"Good, I knew my cooking wasn't that bad. I'm a pretty good cook." He smiled.
"So cocky and unwise." I whispered and rolled my eyes.
"So, what was it?" He asked. He just asks too many questions for his own good.
"I just can't stand the taste. I need something raw." Damn! I just dropped a hint.
"Raw?" Should I tell him.
"Never mind. I just need coffee. I really don't eat anything in the morning, but drink coffee." I turned on the water and rinsed out my mouth.
"I'll go make some then." And he left to make some coffee for me. He was really nice, but I couldn't tell him. It's just too early for dropping hints or anything like that. I need to play it low for a while.
So the day went by pretty fast. I was already ready to crash. Michael and me talked and watched T.V. and listened to music. He liked a lot of music I liked. He was pretty cool. He's also married, has an older brother named Gerard and use to stick forks in the toaster.
"So, what about you? What's up?" He asked as he sipped at his coffee.
"Other than breaking up with my boyfriend and finding a new friend I don't have family." Shit! Another hint dropped. I really need to fucking shut up right now.
"And why is that?' He asked very curiously.
"They all died." I gulped down that growing lump in my throat.
"I'm sorry." He said sadly averting his eyes to my flower in the windowsill I planted a long time ago, but now it dead.
"It's okay. We all have to die sometime. It's natural." I let the silence fill the room quickly. "But I've got time. Everyone just leaves and you're always alone, no matter if you're married to someone forever, you will always be alone in this shitty world we call life." I breathed deeply. "I sometimes see them in my dreams. I hear them screaming and crying, and laughing. I hear them all around me sometimes. Right in this very apartment. I know I haven't even lived here that long, but everywhere I go I hear their voices in my ears. Like they're right next to me talking to me. I have no escape from this though. I tried letting it go, I did once, but it came back. They never leave me." I felt my eyes starting to sting.
"If that ever happened I would fucking kill myself. Swear to God." He stared at me. But my eyes were somewhere else. Staring off into space.
"You should. It's a lonely, shitty road from the age of 30 to when you die. It's better to just end it. I tried, but I can't." And there I go with the hints. I need the SHUT UP!!!
"Now, that there, miss, is your problem." Michael shouted and pointed his finger to me leaving his coffee in one hand.
"What?" I snapped out from my thoughts and looked at him in confusion. "I'm sorry, I blanked. What were we talking about?" I shook my head to clear from the thoughts.
"Your problem is you're too negative. You need to be positive..-" I cut him off.
"No. I can't be positive." I frowned. There was no way I could be positive after all the life I have wasted trying to be happy, I just threw time away. I'm done trying to make my life happy.
"Yes you can. I know you can. Anyone can." He put his hand over mine. My hand was laying on my lap. I felt my stomach relinquish butterflies and my heart race. Even though I wasn't alive anymore I could hear my own heart beat just as anyone alive. I had no heart beat and no one could find a pulse on me, I could still hear it. What was this feeling I was getting? I had no fucking clue what was going on.
I glanced at our hands on my lap and gulped down. "I can't. I've wasted too much of my life on trying to be happy with it. I threw so much time away trying therapy and psychologists. I need to keep going down the road and stop where I need to down that road. I can't waste my breath and brain on something that can't be accomplished in a full lifetime of 100 years." Even though I had an eternity to make myself happy I couldn't start now. I couldn't start ever. I had this little voice inside my head and in my ears saying I can never be happy. For two centuries have I tried to silence it. Once I did it came back and haunted my dreams. This was impossible.
"Why not?" He asked. This is what I hated about humans. They think anything is possible. But they need to believe it though. They have a limited amount of time to live, while I have forever.
"I just can't, okay? I just have this little voice saying I can't. I can't make it go away. I can't shut it up for anything." I could feel my tears swell under my eyelids, but I couldn't make them fall. I wouldn't let them fall.
"Well, you alone can't. But us together, we can. I know we can. No matter what it takes. When I get going you can't make me stop." He chuckled.
I thought for a bit. Maybe this would work. I could get help and I would be happy and be able to smile for just no reason. I could laugh again, feel little butterflies and I could....NO! I am dead now, and only the living could smile for now reason, and laugh and feel loved. My chance was long gone when I died. But this could be a great experiment for my research of humans. "Okay Michael. I'll let you help me." He smiled. "But, on one condition..." I smiled.
"What's that?" He asked his smile still growing.
"You can't give up on me. I will need you." I frowned and remembered everyone from the past. All the therapists and psychologists just gave up on me once they knew they couldn't fix me.
"Promise, dude." He removed his hand and put a fist up. I just looked at it confused. "Pound it." He giggled. I just clenched my fist and hit his. "Yeah." He smiled.
"Okay. Now what are we gonna do?" I asked getting kind of bored of just sitting here on the couch drinking coffee and talking.
"We could go and get my gang and just hang out at the arcade or comic book store." He suggested.
"Well, it sounds better than having a heart-to-heart with some guy you barley know." I sighed and got up from the couch. I outstretched my hand to Michael and he took it politely. I yanked him up like nothing.
"Thanks." He smiled and made his way to the door where his shoes and jacket were left. He slipped his shoes on and his jacket, and so did I. I grabbed my keys and we went out the door. Once we were outside I saw it was raining majorly. I didn't want to walk in the rain and get all soaked again, then I remembered I had my car parked just around the corner.
"Michael," I called out.
"Yeah?" He nodded.
"I have a car just around the corner, if you want me to go get it so we don't have to walk in the rain." I said.
"Sure." He shrugged and I smiled heading around the corner and finding my old 70s, black Nova. I smiled and remembered all the memories and times I spent in this car.
I headed around to the driver's door and unlocked it. I made sure to get in quickly so that the inside wouldn't get all wet, 'cause these seats take forever to dry. I pushed the key into the ignition and started the car. I'm so glad this thing still runs the way I remembered, because I didn't want to walk in this rain. I did my seat belt and put the car to drive. Taking off like a bat out of hell I speed away to Michael. He was standing under a roof of a store in front of my apartment. I stop and unlock the door. He just runs and opens the door getting in fast. "Nice car." He breathed.
"Thanks. I love this car." I giggled and took off in some direction. There was a nice silence between us for a while, but it was too long for me to bare. "This car has so many memories for me." I smiled.
"Really?" Michael smiled glancing at me. I nodded. "Like what?" He looked at me.
"I remember I saw this car on sale by the side of this road. It was up for 2,000. Everytime I past it I would just look at it and admire the beauty from afar." I paused. "I wanted it so bad. I was 15 with my drivers permit, and just eager to learn and get my license and a car for my 16th birthday." Another pause as I tried to remember every detail. "I told my dad and we went to see it. I was so excited. I just ran off the car and saw it needed a new paint job." I giggled. He just grinned and laughed. "We inspected it and saw it was in one piece. It had a few dents here and there, but all-in-all it was intact. The speakers from the back were ripped out and the rims were different, as well as the tires. It needed a bad wash, but other than that it was perfect for me. A nice black muscle car." Images flashed back and forth in my head. "When no one came out of the house it was parked in front of we just got the number from the sign it had on the windshield. We called the next day. I was so nervous as my dad just talked to the owner. And once he hung up he looked at me. And I remember he wore an expression I couldn't figure out. I just was so worried we didn't get the car or there was something wrong with it. But then my dad laughed and said we got the car and were going to pick it up the next day. And we did. He let me drive it home. We inspected it again and made a list of all the parts we needed for the car. First, we washed it real good. Getting all the dirt from within the rims. Then, we checked the engine seeing if there were anything we needed to tune up or repair in anyway. Once we realized it didn't my dad and I spent the rest of the day driving it. He taught me everything I needed to know, so if it were to break down I could figure out what's wrong with it and fix it. He always told me to keep my phone with me at all times on the road, have emergency on speed dial and carry a tool box complete with screws, plugs, oil, extra gas tank and cash. And a map. Just incase if I got lost I would now where the nearest town was, puls a compass so I won't go the wrong way to the nearest town." I smiled.
"Wow." Michael nodded. "Sounds like you and your dad were close." He said.
"We were like each others best friends. Except when it came to boys and dating. He wasn't my best friend then." I laughed and so did Michael.
"No dad's are. Except when you're a guy and trying to get some chicks attention. That's when your dad's your best friend." He pointed out from the males point of view.
"True." I agreed.
"What other memories are held within this car?" Michael asked.
"My brother and I saved up some money for the new paint job. He wanted it purple, but it looked better midnight black. I remember I let him borrow it once..for some date he had that night. They had been going out for a while and he didn’t want to use my dad's car anymore, so he asked if he could use mine. I let him and they had sex right in the back seat." Michael looked a little grossed out. "Well, that's what he told me." He just smiled and laughed.
“Good man. Gettin’ a little action at his age. No one wanted to even talk to me when I was in high school.” Michael smiled sadly.
“Same here, dude.” I glanced at him. He just nodded. “It’s amazing how high school still works like that. How people try so hard to fit in, but just don’t. I hated the populars. They never left me alone.” I giggled.
“Me too. Me and my brother were just social retards. I was just some geek and he was just weird. But even though we didn’t try to fit in they still didn’t leave us alone. Always looking at us weird and just avoiding us at all costs.” He smiled a bit.
“Touché.” We sat in silence for a bit. When I realized I didn’t know where we were going. “Michael, where are we going exactly?” I asked.
“I don’t know.” I laughed softly. “Just turn at this corner and park at IHOP.” He said. I just nodded and did as he said. But why the IHOP? I thought we were going to go get his ‘gang’ and ‘hang’? I looked confused as I parked, then Michael spoke up.
“They’re gonna meet us here.” He smiled while he opened the door and got out of the car. I just nodded and got out as well. He just walked up to the entrance of the IHOP and leaned against the wall taking out his packet of red Marlboro’s. I followed him and took a spot next to him on the wall. He offered me one, I just took one. I can’t develop cancer. I tried after my mom died of it, but couldn’t. Every time I got a hole in my lungs it would patch up again with my flesh. The doctor said I made a great recovery. But I knew what went on in my body. It wasn’t from the medication, it was what I was as oppose the treatment the doctors gave me.
Michael took out his lighter and flicked it on. Taking the rear end of the fag into his mouth he lit the other with the fire burning from the lighter. He held the flame there till the cigarette lit up and smoke started to rise as he puffed on it. He took his two first fingers and squeezed them on the cigarette’s sides removing it from his mouth to blow out the toxic smoke withheld in his lungs as he inhaled. He handed me the lighter. I took it and just lit up, with nothing in my mind but blankness. After the smoke was in my lungs I closed the lighter and handed it back to Michael. He took it back and shoved it in his coat pocket. Now we just stood here waiting for his ‘gang’ to arrive.
After five minutes or so I saw a big white van pulls up. It was filled with guys, and Frank. When the van parked Frank jumped out and ran to me. Once he reached me he embraced me and started jumping up and down. I still wasn’t done with my cigarette so I held it far from him, just so I wouldn’t burn him.
I was confused by the sweet gesture. It has been a while since my last real hug from a living, breathing being. “Hey Phoenix!” Frank let go of me and smiled.
“Hey Frank. What’s up?” I asked.
“Nothing much. Mikey says we’re going to hang out today! This is going to be fun.” Frank jumped up and down. I just took the fag to my lips and took a long drag. What the fuck was up with this freak?
“Frank, stop freaking her out, dude! Leave her alone!” Michael told Frank with his cigarette sticking out of his mouth, mumbling his words as they came out of his mouth. The rest of the guys in the van went up to Michael and hugged him. Michael hugging back with the cigarette hanging from the tips of his lips.
I held my cigarette in between my fingers as I watched all the guys greet Michael. They all just looked at me weird though. Was my make up smeared from the rain? Was something on my face or something? I just kept sucking on my fag to distract myself from the staring eyes on me. “Guys, this is Phoenix. The girl I was talking to you about.” Michael mumbled as he still had the cigarette dangling from his loose lips. He made his way over to me and put his hand on my shoulder. I just took another long drag and waved as I blew out the smoke from my mouth. “Phoenix, this is Gerard, my older brother,” He pointed to a guy with black hair that outlined his face. “Ray,” He pointed to a tall guy with a deflated fro. “And Bob.” He pointed to a muscular blonde. “And you know Frank.” Michael giggled as Frank jumped up and down in his place. I just smiled as the fag hung loosely from the chapped lips. “Now, let’s go to….somewhere.” Michael laughed as he threw down his cigarette and stamped it out.
“Maybe to the park. We could just walk around or something.” Ray suggested.
“No, that’s so dumb. Let’s go to the arcade down near the park where the pond is. That way Ray can walk around while I play some kickass games.” Gerard smiled.
“What about Times Square? It sounds cool.” Bob now pitched in.
“But we always go there. It gets really boring after a while, dude.” Frank whined. Just then I thought of the right place.
“Hey, I have an idea. What about this carnival? I know where it is. It’s near a park with a pond, it has kickass games and it has little and big rides you can get on.” I stamped out my cigarette now.
“Nice.” Ray nodded.
“I like this girl, Mikey.” Gerard smiled. “Let’s go!” He shouted as they headed back to their van and Michael and I to my black Nova. This would be interesting.