I Tear My Heart Open.
They're fighting again, and argueing. It always makes me so fucking jumpy. And I hate seeing the family fall apart like this. Not to mention all the things it makes me remember. I'm laying on the mattress on my sister(Laura)'s floor. Because sinse my brother moved back in, there's nowhere to go other than here. I might tell you that story later. Tonight, I'm thinking about Nana. And my last moments with her, and her last moments.
"Come on Crystal, Laura, we are going to see Nana. She's really ill." My mum smiled weakly, she had been crying so much since Nana had been diagnosed with cancer. I knew cancer was bad, but I didn't understand quite how bad.
"Awh! It's gonna be boring." I whined,
"I'll get you a colouring book on the way? Nana really wants to see you." My mum offered.
"Okaay." I had agreed.
"I don't wanna go!" Laura whined, loudly, she was always so loud. And she was only 2 years younger than myself.
"You've gotta go. Nana wants to see us." I said obediantly.
When we got to the hospital, I saw Nana in a bed, needles in her arms, and help with breathing. It was a sad sight, but my mind just didn't quite take it in properly. My mum walked ahead, and whispered to Nana that we were there. I saw a weak smile spread across Nana's face. But I got straight to colouring in, and just coloured in until it was time for us to leave.
"Say bye to Nana." My mum said, kissing Nana's forehead herself. I leaned in and kissed her cheek.
"See you later." I smiled, then left to make my way to the car.
About two weeks later.. still in flashback..
I was laying in bed, back then, I had a bed. I heard the noise of the front door opened, and my mum crying as she came in. I opened my eyes wide, knowing what news was comeing next. But hopeing it wasn't.
"When will we tell Andy?" My mother sobbed.
"Tomorrow." My dad said, then I heard my mum comeing upstairs. My Nana was dead, and I was beginning to realise what she truly ment to me. I chocked back tears and pretending to be asleep as my mum walked into me and my sister's room.
"Crystal." She whispered, I opened my eyes. "Nana's passed away." She said softly, she had been crying a lot and I tried so hard not to cry. I needed to be strong. My mum kissed my forehead and told me to sleep. But that night, I didn't. I was trying to get to grips with the fact I would never see her again.
End Of Flashback
The arguement was still going on downstairs. I didn't bother listening to what it was about. I just lay awake, all night, thinking about my memories with Nana. I knew thinking like this made me feel down. But I couldn't help it. My best friend Daniela, was always telling me to stop talking like this, and thinking like it. But it really isn't my fault.
My only friends are her, and a few online people. And I have one or two friends in school, but I don't know if you can really call them friends. I can't talk about ANYTHING to them.
I got up in the morning from my bed, and got dressed slowly. What I like to call "Morning Pace". I made myself a coffee, and once I had finished it. I was still tired and feeling down, so I made another one. And what started with one coffee, ended up as 4. I ran out of time as I was makeing my fith, and had to get in my dad's car to get to the bus. Nobody even noticed my coffee binge, not that I expected them too.
"Have a nice day at school." My dad called.
"Impossible. It's school." I muttered, then slammed the door. My sister got out to, then we walked to the bus and took our seats at the front. Laura started talking to her friend, and I just plugged my earphone's into my MP3 player, and put on some loud My Chemical Romance. I am 15 years old, have been for a month or so. And I am in year 10 at school. Only two years left, I suppose.
I spent the whole journey, thinking about last night, and getting lost in my music. My Chem ment a lot to me, before I met Dannie and the online people, the band was all I had. And when people talk shit about them, I can't help but feel they'de rather have me dead. I got to school, then got off the bus, and stood with my sister and her friends all morning.
Then I headed to Tutorial. Craig was late again, and he greeted me with a long, boring story about his slag idol, Britney Spears. I listened patiently, then when I tried telling him the latest MyChem news, he simply shushed me. I hated him so much sometimes.
I don't fit in in school, I'm only now trying to find myself. Everyone hates me for rumours that weren't true. I bet I couldn't even fit in with the nerd crowd. That's why I'm in the outcast crowd, well not crowd, there are only about 4 of us at the most.
I went through my lonely lessons before break, just sitting, and doing what the teacher was telling me to, which was really hard in a class of kids who didn't wanna co-operate. I heard a few people mutter insults about me and my 'friends', but I ignored them. I'de heard it all before.
"Hey Crystal." Emma said, she sits next to me in English. "I haven't spoken to you since primary have I?" She said, a smile on her face.
"No." I replied, none of my old primary school friends had really. And it had been 3 years since primary. I wondored why she wanted to talk to me all of a sudden.
"How's you family?" She asked me.
"Uh, good. Yours?" I lied. But I wasn't about to open up to someone who never cared less about me. Mabye once, but not anymore.
"Good." She smiled, then turned to talk to the person sitting the other side of her. I looked straight back to my work.
Break time was average, going to meet Craig outside his lesson, then going to get some toast, then sneaking it to hide in the corridor's from the rest of the school.
"I don't see why you hate Britney." He said randomly.
"I don't hate her. I just.. dislike her, and her music. A lot." I said, takeing out my mp3 player, and finding some Panic At The Disco, I put one of the earphones in and left Camisado on.
"See. And what did she do wrong to you?" He asked.
"Listen to some of my music Craig?" I offered. "And I don't hate her, it's just, she's a bit of a sell out." I said.
"She is not a sell out." He stated. I mentally slapped his face. "And I don't wanna listen to your emo crap." He muttered.
"Emo crap?" I questioned.
"Yeah." He nodded.
"See you hate my music." I pointed out.
"Yeah, and?" He said, not seeing my point.
"What did My Chemical Romance, Fall Out Boy, and so on.. ever do wrong to you? And what makes them emo?" I asked him, he couldn't find an answer, and the bell rung for fourth lesson.
"See you lunch time." He said, heading to his lesson, on his own, even though my class was next to his.
"Yeah fucking wanker." I muttered when he was too far away to hear, packing my mp3 player away, then grabbing my messanger bag and dreading the next lesson. I made my way into Chemistery and took my seat at the front silently. I was on time for the lesson, as usual. And I sat with my head on my hands as the rest of the class poured in and took their seats. Chemistery flowed as usual. Then I rushed to Art.
"Hey Crystal. I forgot we had art." Craig said, then turned to talk to some other people in our class which he was 'cool' with. I waited to be let into the lesson, then rushed to my seat, takeing my art folder from the corner, and starting to work on Miss' latest strange idea. I didn't start drawing until I had my music in my ears though. I never play it too loud in Art. I don't want Miss to have to tell me to turn it down and attract any uneccessary attention.
Lunch time came to soon, and Craig and I headed to our hiding place in the corridors.
"So you never told me. What did my music ever do wrong to you?" I questioned as we sat down, grabbing my mp3 player from my bag.
"They worry me. If I listen to them I might start slitting." He said, I shook my head and bit my tongue. I couldn't let his twatty comments get to me. Or else I'de have murder on my hands.
"Right, if you listen to my music for one lunchtime, I'll listen to yours?" I offered.
"Eww no." He said.
"Have it your way." I muttered, and searched my mp3 player for music. I felt like some Papa Roach today. I put 'I Almost Told You That I Loved You' on top volume, but left one earphone out to keep a ear out for anyone comeing along the corridor. I could hear Craig's Britney blasting from his iPod Touch, louder than my mp3 player. I sighed loudly to myself..
Just as 'Scars' finished the bell went for sixth, and last, lesson. It was history, which was okay I suppose. It went pretty fast. Then I walked to my bus, and took my seats close to the front, waiting for Laura to come and join me.
For the fourth time that day, I got my mp3 player out, and this time I decided to listen to something heavy, and the first thing I could find that was pretty heavy was LeatherMouth. I blasted it through my brain, ignoring everyone else on the bus. And dreading going home.
When we got to the bus stop, I left the bus, but still had LeatherMouth blasting, I walked down slowly. And it wasn't long until Laura had walked too far ahead for me to see her. All my LeatherMouth had played, then some Metallica came on next. I walked really slowly, so I'de get a bit of time to myself before I got "home".
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