In the bathroom, Bob had brought me to my senses. I knew that Mikey really didn't mean to do anything wrong. He just had some commitment problems. I knew this when I got into a relationship with him. Sure, I loved him, but if he didn't want me, Ihad to give him his space. Maybe he'd want to get back with me. Maybe Iwouldn't want to get back with him. Who am I kidding? Of course I'd get back with him. He's the nicest guy I've ever been with, even with this whole Frank incident.
Bob also told me not to blame frank, which I don't plan on doing. He had no idea. That's what Iget for not making mine and Mikey's relationship public. There was no way that he ever could've known, and Gee already said he had no idea. That still didn't make me feel better when they both were giving each other looks in the back seat of the car when we were driving away. Catching them in the car in the first place wasn't too great of a feeling either.
I really don't know if it's obvious to everyone else or not, but to me, Mikey and Frankie don't really seem like a great couple. I kind of see Frank with Gerard, to be honest. I mean come on? When you combine their names, it's Ferard, which is the name of Gee's god damn dog, so that has to mean something. Frikey isn't nearly as cool.
Also it's the way Gee looks at him. I still have no idea if anyone else catches this but me, but Gerard looks at him so much differently than he looks at any of us. I mean, when he looks at us, you can tell that he cares about all of us, but when he looks at frank, it looks like he's really attached and he really cares deeply about him. But of course, Gee is our little straight boy, which I highly doubt. I always did. He always seemed a bit too, well, gay, to be straight. Way too gay. Like his sense of fashion, and he never hesitated to tell us which guy he thought looked sexy. But I respect that he says he's not gay, and it's not my business to check his sexuality meter. I wished he'd come out of the closet soon though. It's getting kind of tiresome.
I sat in the back of the car on the ride home with Gee driving and Frankie sitting up next to him. They kept stealing glances at each other. Oh my god, what a cute couple!Bob was sitting in between me and Mikey in the back, I guess trying to protect me and Mikey from killing each other, well, at least to protect Mikey from getting hit in the face by me. Bob looked at me, with real concern in his eyes. He took my hand on my lap. I could tell that it just was out of pure concern. Bob is such a good guy and he gets overlooked a lot, but that's only because he's so quiet. I could really see myself getting together with him. I held his hand tight, trying not to cry.
Frankie and Gee were trying to make meaningless chatter in the front seat about Frank's old schools that he's been to and been kicked out of. "I left public school. My mom thought it was a bad influence on me. That's when I told her I was gay. The next school, I drank the chemistry project and I was deemed 'unteachable' and'possibly mentally challenged'. This last one I was at, I hid in this girl's locker to scare the crap out of her to get back at her for dumping my friend Brian, but turns out her and her family are the major source of income to that school, so they kicked me out, calling me 'a nuisance'. Oh well. I wear my titles proudly. And, well, now I'm here."
Gerard nodded at all the right times, trying to concentrate on driving at the same time. Ilooked over at Bob and could tell that he was thinking the same thing. Those two are brilliant for each other.
We got back to the school and snuck back in and got back to our dorms. Mikey, Bob and I are in one dorm while Frankie and Gee are in the other. It helps that we're all only one room apart, and have an adjoining door in between the two, like in fancy hotels. That way Gerard can take care of Mikey's bad hangovers and everything will all be okay. I have no idea how we can sleep in the same room right now. Ithink space between the three of us will be a bit cramped and awkward. Bob looked at me in the eyes. "Its okay, Ray. I'll help you get through this."
He kissed me on the cheek once sweetly, before staying on my bed and crashing into unbreakable sleep next to me.
Oh god. Who had this brilliant idea to go to this fucking gay club? Now it's extremely awkward in front of everyone, and I'm pretty sure my little brother is a little bit of a whore. It's still late that night, and I'm here lying with Frankie in our room. The others are long since asleep. I'm not sure if Frankie is either. Idecide to test it.
"Frankie, you awake?"
"Whatcha thinking about?" I was hoping it was the same thing that was on my mind.
"If you want me to be honest, when we kissed. If you don't, then ask me some other time."
"Me too. Listen-"
I looked over at him and he was looking right at me. "Gee, I'm sorry, I know you're straight and I shouldn't have kissed you liked that. It was completely wrong of me, and I'm really really-"
I cut him off."God. You think that you kissed me? It was me that kissed you! I should be apologizing to you. It. Well, as long as we're being honest, I was kind of swept up in the moment. Are we going to make anything of it?"
He looked back up at the ceiling. "Lets hold off until this whole Ray and Mikey thing blows over before we make anything of it, okay?" I nodded, doubting he could hear me. Awhile passed before he said anything again. "Does this mean you're...?"
His voice trailed off, but I knew what he was going to ask me. "Can I get back to you on that? I don't know myself." It was his turn to nod this time. I looked at him again and he looked at me. We were both smiling at each other before we both fell asleep.
I woke up in asweat, afraid out of my mind. I was panting heavily, and Frankie was over my shoulder and was shaking me. I was sobbing and Frankie was holding me tight."Shh, Shh. Gerard. Come on, Gee, you're scaring me. Everything will be okay. Everything's going to be okay." I knew it was only a dream, but I still couldn't stop crying.
I've been having these nightmares ever since the incident. I rubbed my fingers against the only remainders that I have left on my body from when I tried killing myself. It was a horrible time, and the nightmares still haunt me, if you haven't noticed. Frankie still wasn't letting go, even though I was stopping my sobbing slowly and my shaking was almost gone. I leaned into his embrace, welcoming the warmth and protection. I feel so safe with him. So safe. I want to be with him for as long as forever, but I know that I can't. I have to be there for my brother, above anything, and he likes Frankie too. I can't do that to my Mikey. I'll just have to deal with it.
"Can you sleep here, Frankie?" I looked up at him, and he nodded at me with a smile on his face. I curled up next to him and he still had his arms around me. I could go to bed safe now, knowing that he was there. It's so much better than going to bed alone like I normally do. You know, it's really nice to have a roommate now. Especially when that one roommate in particular's name is Frank Iero, who I am falling fast for.
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