Okay... small oneshot, kinda sad, full summary inside. I'd really like it if you read iiit... *puppy dog eyes*
Hope you enjoy ^_^
There were sirens that night. I remember. Wailing loudly in the background, with red and blue lights that flashed like the neon signs in Vegas. I know the light hurt you when you looked at them. And the sirens made you feel like your head would explode. The paramedics said we had to give you silence, or the fit would become worse.
I had never felt so scared in my life. And I think... I know... I never will again.
The way you shook and convulsed on the floor will forever stay in my memory... like a scene from a horror movie. A video burned into my eyelids so that whenever I close my eyes I see it. See you. With your eyes rolled in the back of your head and your mouth gaping as you try to sob, try to talk. I didn’t know what you wanted to say then. But I do know.
You wanted to tell us to be quiet.
You wanted to tell us it hurt.
You wanted to apologize.
At the time I was trying so hard to make you understand that I didn’t care that I had seen you two kissing. I didn’t care that you had cheated. I thought you didn’t believe me... I know now it was because you just couldn’t hear me. In fact, I was making things worse by talking at all. The words must've sounded so loud to you. Must've made your head pound. When the doctors told me I felt so guilty.
Everything is always my fault. It’s never been any different in my entire life.
I remember how long the ambulance seemed to take. A single second felt like a year. A hundred years. And I had lain by you, clutching one of your hands, the other being held by him. His free hand holding my free hand. The three of us... clinging to each other. He and I praying that our grip on you would keep you from falling... keep you from falling away from us forever. You hadn’t been aware of it... too consumed by the pain. Too far gone to know anything real anymore. But we had talked to you anyway. Begged you to stay with us. Funny how I could go from hating him, to needing him just like that. I didn’t care he had kissed you. Didn’t care he had kissed me. All I knew was that he was a doctor... and yet he didn’t know what was happening to you. Which made it so much scarier. All I knew was that I loved you. And that we were supposed to be getting married...you couldn’t die. We were engaged... I needed you.
And so did he.
Strange. You always thought you were a fuck up. That no one could ever truly love you. And here you were, standing on the edge and the only thing stopping you from falling was two pairs of hands... our hands. Holding on to you because we loved you... two of us. Two people. Two hearts. Two humans, tearing apart because they didn’t know how to save you. Two people Sugar... two people who loved you. Loved you so, so much...
And all the time we laid there, I thought I was holding onto you to make sure you stayed with us... but it was also to keep me there too. If I let go, if I dared loosen my grip at all then it wouldn’t be just you slipping away. I would too. I would fall into darkness and welcome it, because a life without you... a life where I cant hold you, and feel you, and kiss you - is a life I cant bear.
But then the paramedics came. The whole thing is a blur to me now... I can remember it clearly, yet when I try to focus my thoughts it slips away... I know it hurt. It damn near killed me when they pulled me away from you, and my grip wasn’t strong enough. And your hand fell from mine and I couldn’t scream or shout or kick, because it would only make you hurt more. You needed silence... And so I was silent. I was silent as they kept me back, strong arms wrapped around me but not to comfort. To restrain. To stop me from being next to you. From holding onto you. To keep me back and I couldn’t see you anymore. They were surrounding you and I was slipping away, you were slipping away. Because the grip had gone...
The pain Gee... the pain never goes away... not even after all this time.
I don’t remember when they took you away. I don’t recall watching them strap you to the stretcher, or wheel you into the ambulance. I don’t recollect them telling me I couldn’t ride with them.
Do you remember?
I don’t think you do... you were still too far gone... so far gone... you weren’t coming back.
I think they knew that. That’s why they said I couldn’t come. They wanted to spare me the sight... the sight of you leaving.
I do remember after they'd taken you though. I cried so hard... it was like every ounce of moisture in me poured from my eyes. And it was him who comforted me. And I knew then I needed him. Just like you had needed him. And like he needed us. Just because I kissed him, didn’t mean I loved you any less. Just because you kissed him, didn’t mean you loved me any less. We still loved each other the most. I still wanted to marry you, and you still wanted to marry me. He was just another person we loved... I wished I could've seen that before what happened... before your fit took you... I wish I could’ve told you that. To your face... and not your casket.
I wonder if you saw us... Sobbing into each others shoulders, trying to convince each other and ourselves that you would be okay. But neither of us believed it... and I felt like I was gonna die. I felt like it was me who was dieing, and not you. The pain... I cant describe it Gee. It was a burning, tearing, pain. It felt like I was a rag doll and my stitches had come undone. I wanted to hold myself together but I just fell apart.
You were my stitches Gee. I needed you. But you had gone.
I think I know the point your soul left the Earth. He whispered soothing words to me and slowly... so slowly... we both calmed down. We looked at each other and we both believed... just for a moment... that we would see you again. That we would go to the hospital in the morning and you would be okay.
We talked for a while Gee... about how it was okay to like each other. Because you liked him too. We all loved each other. The three of us were in love. And I saw then, that that wasn’t wrong. It wasn’t bad. It was beautiful. It made us stronger. Made our love stronger. But...
There would never be a three of us again... not after that night.
I didn’t know it then. But I do now...
Gerard... Gee. I prayed for you that night Sugar. I prayed so hard... I had never been happier to be Catholic. I felt like that meant God would listen to me more. But... he still took you from me. And I know that there must be a reason for it... and I wont question it...
But sometimes... Sometimes I just want to ask - Dear God... why? Why did you take him? Just... why?
But even if I did, He wouldn’t answer. Would he Gee? Because He doesn’t answer those sort of questions...
I understand that. I'm not angry...
Because... I miss you babe.
I miss you. And he misses you. And the pain we feel every day, it'll never go away. No matter how much we accept that your gone. Or how much we come to depend on each other. We'll always miss you. We'll always wish you were still here.
But... we're together now Gee. Funny. How I cheated on you with him. And you cheated on me with him... And I thought I hated him.
Now we're together. Because... I do love him. And he loves me. Not as much as I loved you, no where near as much. And he doesn’t love me as much as he loved you... no where near as much... but... we both love each other. And we both loved you. And that binds us. And I know if he dies, I'd die too. Because then I really would have nothing left.
Sometimes Gee, I think I can... sense you smile. Like your looking down on us, and your happy. And we'll be together again. I know that. And it hurts that I couldn’t say goodbye to you... but it wouldn’t really have been goodbye anyway. Would it? Just... farewell. Only... not as formal. We were never formal, were we Sugar?
I know what it would've been. It would've been - Sia later.
Sia later Gee... We'll be together again... one day.
And we will. Maybe not for a long time. But when I die... peacefully - you would want that. Because your death was painful. You'd want mine to be different. And one night... I'll fall asleep... and never wake up.
In a perfect World he would die with me... at the same time... And we will wake up. Let me take back what I just said - we definitely will wake up.
Because Gee, I promise you - One night, he and I will fall asleep, and when we wake up you'll be there. I don’t know where we'll be. Heaven, definitely, but where that is - who knows?
But you'll be there, and you'll smile. And we'll be together again.
The three of us.
But until then... Watch over me okay Gee?
I miss you.