Ron just won't give up on the love potion angle. He thinks he has finally found the right...mix. Weasley bashing ahead!
kaff err...sorry about that.
Ready the brain bleach! Severe Weasley bashing ahead!
In the slightly modified words of Sergeant Schultz from Hogan's Heroes (which I also don't own):
"I own nothing, I hear nothing, I see nothing, I know nothing! Nothing!"
Ron was getting desperate. He had tried every one of his mum's potions, the book, and even chewing with his mouth closed.
Nothing seemed to work!
Finally, he stol...borrowed some money from Harry's trunk and owl-ordered a potion that had a "100% guaranteed enslavement success rate using magical pheromones" from the back of one of Seamus' porno mags. He had eagerly awaited the potions' arrival, and now was hiding in the boys bathroom, furiously trying to add the "final ingredient" needed to key the potion to him. Almost there...almost there...
Suddenly, Ron froze in mid stro...err...extraction technique as the door opened to the loo.
"Sweet Merlin, it stinks in here!" came an oddly familiar voice.
"Gahk! Smells like a troll died!" came another.
The two voices walked up to the stalls, and proceeded to water the devil's snare.
"I still can't believe last night, who would have thought she would be so kinky? I don't think I will ever look at a broomstick the same way again!" said voice 1.
"It's always the fiesty ones, mate! But the way she took on our house's quidditch team, I would think she'd need a broomstick to even feel it!" laughed 2.
"Hah, too right! I think after last night, you'd have to tie a board to you to keep from falling in. Although, I think she might be part dementor to be honest!" said 1.
"A dementor? She certainly didn't chill the room, or give me a bad feeling. You sure you were doing it right?" questioned 2.
"Definitely! I swear it felt like the girl was sucking my soul out through my todger!" laughed 1.
"When is her next go round? I didn't get a chance at her mouth last time, I'll have to try that next time." said 2, as he was washing his hands.
"It always takes her a few days to recover, potions make her queasy she says. But it tightens her right back up, and she should be ready for another poke by this weekend." said 1, holding the door as they both exited.
Ron sat there dumbfounded for a few seconds. He would have to ask around and see if he could finagle an invite to the event. Maybe if he offered up Hermione once he had her under, he could get a piece of the girl as well? At that thought, he groaned, emptying himself into the small flask. He pulled his pants up, flushed and then left the stall to see if he could catch up to the boys.
Ron hadn't been able to find the boys, he could have sworn he had heard one of their voices when he was on his way to the Great Hall for lunch, but had lost it in the mad rush. He had quickly sat down to Hermione's right, who was busy discussing how to handle Umbitch and the detentions with Harry on her left. While she was distracted, he quickly grabbed her glass, acting as if he was refilling it while subtly pouring the potion into her glass. He then poured a glass for himself, leaned forward and asked Harry if he would like a refill. Harry had arched an eyebrow, and shook his head no. Just after Hermione thanked him, she reached blindly for the glass of juice. Ron had to bite his tongue to keep from jumping up and down on the bench. She would be all his, and Potter could go to hell!
Then, in the span of a few seconds, everything did go to hell.
"Hem-Hem!" came the sickly sweet voice from behind them. Ron and Harry cringed, waiting to hear what new "decree" had been enforced. Unfortunately, ever since being petrified, Hermione reacted very poorly to sudden surprises. She shrieked and spun, and knocked the glass of pumpkin juice with her right hand, splashing it on Ron, and all over Umbitch, soaking her furry pink cardigan. She had her mouth wide open, ready to berate Harry, and had gotten a mouthful. Ron's jaw dropped in terror, allowing a few drops of the potion altered juice to drip into his mouth.
Umbridge, shrieked in anger and began to berate Hermione for her clumsiness, and then she looked at Ron. "Why ever would you sully your hands, offering to serve such a clumsy mudblood and her halfblood paramour! Why, you are a pureblood and should..."
There was a flash of light as both Umbridge and Ron suddenly glowed white as their eyes met. Ron tilted his head to the side, and looked closely at Delores, realizing he had been a fool. She couldn't show favoritism, but she had been wearing pink as the closest color she could find to Chudley Cannon orange as a symbol of her devotion to him! He leapt to his feet, sweeping Delores up in his arms, and placing her on the table in front of him, as he began madly kissing her, sliding his hands under her cardigan. Delores moaned and grabbed his arse, pulling him between her short, stubby, and widely splayed legs.
Everyone was so disgusted, they failed to notice that a queasy looking Ginny had arrived just a few moments ago. Distracted as they were by the toad, and the subsequent attempted rutting on the table, no one noticed her raise her hands in shock to her mouth. Her wet hands, to her wide open mouth, or the way she suddenly flashed white as well.
Harry was too busy scrambling backwards, having fallen on his arse, and trying to gouge his eyes out with a spoon. Hermione was also traumatized, but realized what Harry was attempting, quickly straddled him, stopping his escaping motion. She grabbed his hands and forced them over his head, knocking his head soundly on the cold flagstone floor. She quickly leaned forward to check his eyes, and while fixed looking forward, they were dangerously dilated.
"Harry!! Are you alright!" she shrieked, trying to detect his pulse at the wrist, while slightly shaking him with her other hand.
"Angel...heavenly body...amazing...rosy...beautiful...so beautiful!" mumbled Harry, as his eyes seemed to glaze.
"No!! HARRY!! Don't go into the light! Stay with me Harry! Go away from the light! Come back to me! Don't leave me...I...I...I love you Harry!" cried Hermione, desperate to not lose her finally admitted love, she leaned further forwards, placed her hands on his chest, and proceeded to try mouth to mouth resuscitation.
Now in Hermione's defense, she was highly traumatized by several factors. She had just seen Ron attack Umbridge, as if he wanted to devour her right there on the table in the Great Hall. She had finally admitted to both herself and Harry that she loved him, and she thought that he was dying. So she can be excused for the fact that she was trying to perform mouth to mouth on a conscious person.
Luckily, Harry was only slightly dazed by the impact of his noggin on the floor. He had been much more shocked by the way Hermione had straddled him, and forcibly restrained him. Then he quite literally saw a heavenly body as Hermione's shirt had lost several buttons in their struggle. So when Hermione leaned forward to try and resuscitate him, he was amazed at the fireworks he suddenly saw. He reached up with his now free hands, and placed one hand on the small of her back, and the other he entangled in her hair pulling her as close as he could. After a few minutes, they broke for oxygen. Hermione dazedly sat upright, slowly dragging her hands down Harry's chest, unable to wipe the happy grin off her face. She blinked several times, and reached into her mouth.
"Uh, sorry Harry, I think this was yours." She blushed furiously, handing him his gum that he had been chewing. "I seem to have forgotten myself, I...I... didn't hurt you with the chest compressions did I?"
Harry barked out a laugh, "It seems to be quite the day for you to forget things Hermione." winked Harry, as his eyes slowly dropped to her scandalously parted shirt. Hermione squeaked, and hastily conjured and refastened the buttons on her shirt. "Awww, I was enjoying seeing how far the blush went!" said Harry with a smile.
Hermione softly swatted Harry's chest. "Yes, well, it's laundry day. And I was quite distraught, I thought you were dying! I couldn't find a pulse, and you were saying things about heaven and a rosy light, and...well...I was scared Harry!" whimpered Hermione, her eyes welling with tears. She fell forward, burying her face in Harry's neck. She suddenly wiggled, and then throatily laughed in Harry's ear. She whispered huskily, "Although I seem to have no problems feeling your pulse now Mr. Potter. Perhaps, a further...examination, might be in order in private?"
Now Harry's face flamed red, and he wondered if he might spontaneously combust. Of course, if Hermione kept up that delightful wiggling, he might just explode. He smiled and replied with his own low whisper, "Hermione, while I appreciate all that Poppy has done for me over the years, I will take you as my nurse any day. I don't suppose you would help me make some amazing memories for that reserved bed of mine in the Hospital Wing, would you?"
Hermione shivered, and purred in his ear, "Oh my, Mister Potter! There seems to be a dreadful amount of swelling, I think a thorough inspection is in order, along with an extended bed stay. Hopefully it's not contagious, I may need an...injection to protect me!"
Harry growled, and his eyes flashed a fiery emerald green. With a flash, Harry and Hermione disappeared from the Great Hall, reappearing in the Hospital Wing. Hermione looked around in wonder, amazed. "HARRY! It says in Hogwart's a History that you can't...do...tha... Oh sweet Maeve! Don't you dare stop that Harry!" It seems that while Harry had managed to Apparate in Hogwarts, that their clothes had been splinched, and left behind.
"Disgusting! A toad, and two weasels! You two were right, the weaselette will do anyone or anything!" drawled Draco, sneering at the furiously writhing pile of bodies on the Gryffindor table. Looking at Crabbe and Goyle, he shuddered and said, "You two should probably go to St. Mungo's to make sure you didn't come down with anything." He paused, wondering why his bodyguards were turning green, and then pale white. He turned back around slowly. He shrieked in fear, "Dear Merlin!!! Weasely really will eat anything! Obliviate! Obliviate! Obliviate! Noooo!!! I can't make it stop! Avada Kedavra!"
With that, the heir to the Malfoy line, fell to the floor of the Great Hall. Finally doing the one thing useful to wizardkind and self chlorinating the gene pool.
A/N Yeesh!! Ok, before the flaming torches and pitchforks come out, bear this in mind. I tried to leave as much out of the R/DU/G pairing as possible, as I actually have a vivid imagination. For your sakes, I tried to just hint at it. I did put in a nice little H/HR in there to hopefully prevent my death or Crucifixion. So be merciful...please? And remember, it was worse for me!
As a side note, the bunny came about from reading this sadly unfinished H/Fl fic and the author's pairing notes.