I’ll do it mindlessly. It’s fucked up at it’s best.
I hope Ray doesn’t come in I think while her hand shifts to pull down my zipper. She starts to move her hand up and down me slowly, seconds later I let out a moan and finish, she purrs as I slide my hand up her short dress, commando I see, I smirk while she continues to bite her lip to suppress her groans. I move my fingers in and out in a slow motion.
“Bye” she winks at me, exiting through the front door. She left before it could go any further. Thank God, it didn’t. I can’t stop thinking of Josh. I don’t bother fixing my still undone jeans. I pull out a stool and sit at the island in the kitchen, Ray will be back any minute now. Things have been weird since our little quarrel. I haven’t got any idea where Christa is, Don has deserted me to go somewhere else and everyone I once knew doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore, well not that dramatic but they seem distant.
I knew what was coming and I didn’t want to think about it, the less I think about it, my body goes into ‘must-hurt-self’ mode. I’ll do it mindlessly. It’s fucked up at it’s best. Well, this is definitely the best Summer holiday I’ve ever had. Stepping out of the kitchen, I hear the front door being opened, I sprint up the stairs and silently close the door of my ‘bedroom.’
“Where the fuck is this?” I mutter. I made a “ah” sound when I find my Bible I’ve been reading, flipping to the back and sliding out the paper held in the plastic strap, I rip the tape of the small razor. I sit it down and stare at it, I’m trying to figure out why I’m not like other self-injurers, they charge at themselves like a wild bull, ripping up their arm, whereas I think about it and carefully tear my skin, until I bleed. Slowly. Maybe I’m worse. I’m staring at it still, brushing my finger tips over it. Feeling it again.
“Zeke?” Ray’s head pops through my door. I glance at Ray and then walk into the bathroom connected to my bedroom, leaving the razor there, I lock the bathroom door and sit cross-legged on the floor, still just staring.
“I think he’s had some sort of breakdown Mikey! Yes, I took the razor out of his room…and anything else that he could hurt himself with…well I don’t know what he can hurt himself with! I tried to get him out but he mutters something I can’t hear then goes silent…I’m freaking out here, Mikey!” I frantically move the phone into my other hand as I climb up my stairs again. I hang up when Mikey tells me he’ll come over soon to see if he can help.
I call out Zeke’s name, I grip the handle of the door and shake it when the door slides open. I see Zeke leaning against the bath. He stares at me, blinks once, stares and repeats it again. I tried phoning Liz back in Ireland but her phone wouldn’t answer. Mikey was my last resort. Calling a doctor of some sort would terrify him. I sit down beside him and stare at him back, I slowly see a smile tug at his lips, I smile abit more while intensely staring at him, he gives up and laughs and then digs me in the face. I laugh back and smack him on his head.
“Abuse” he mimes.
“What’s wrong?” I mime back.
He shrugs, then mimes “I lost control.”
I mime, “it’s okay. How far?”
Zeke looks at the bath then mimes, “I didn’t cut, I didn’t.”
His arms show no evidence but I hear people who self-harm do it all over their body. I take his word for it, stand up and hold out my hand. Zeke slowly takes it and wraps me in a hug, “I’m sorry Ray, for like everything and anything really and in advance.” He murmured. I smirk at the last bit of the sentence tell him to come to the kitchen.
“Christa will be staying out tonight, it’s one of her friends hen nights tonight.” I tell him, while I pour out cereal. Pushing the bowl over to him, he looks at me blankly, “how did you know I like cereal without milk?”
“Father’s intuition” I grin.
Zeke eats it without another word, I sit and watch him out of the side of my eye as well as watching the T.V.
“I’m here Ray! I’m here!” Mikey comes bursting into the kitchen, “door was opened! I came run-” Mikey looks Zeke up and down like he’s carrying the plague. “Where did he come from?! I thought he was hibernating in the bathroom!”
I chuckle watching Mikey take off his scarf and gloves with a false disgusted face, “and to think I came all the way here…” he trailed off, muttering to himself. He motions for me to follow him into the living-room, I do so, keeping an eye on Zeke as I walk out.