Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > The Sobriety Diaries.
Authors note at the bottom =]
We were back in Jersey for a few days to pack and shit then heading to Japan. I didn’t pack much, and said good bye to a lot of people. The way things were going, I knew I was gonna end up going to far and kill myself. I guess I just knew I wouldn’t be coming back. So I said goodbye to the few friends I had there. I kinda said a cryptic goodbye to my parents, next I knew we were on the plane heading to Japan.
Once there, the vicious cycle began. I drank and got high from the moment I woke up, to the time I would go to bed, everyday. I spent my whole time drunk. Performed shitty because I was drunk. Slurring my lyrics, forgetting lyrics, running to the side of the stage to vomit between songs. I was a fucking wreck. I was only proving my point that I would end up dead. I knew in my heart I couldn’t keep going with this, it had to stop, I needed to end this. Tonight was our last show. I was so drunk on Heineken and vodka tonics, I knew I wouldn’t remember a damn thing of this performance in the morning.
The show went horribly. Frank and Ray took turns singing some lyrics cause I was either forgetting them or I was puking during a song. I couldn’t wait for the set to end. I felt so sick and so emotionally drained from all the shit I have been thinking about the past month. I couldn’t take it anymore I wanted to break down. When the show finally ended I spent a half hour throwing up in a trash can off stage. I kept going until I was only bringing up bile. I thought to myself “I’ve drunk my last drink tonight.” I wasn’t going to kill myself, but instead I was gonna sit down with the band and tell them I have a problem and I really do need to get help. I needed to clean up if I was gonna do good with this band like I had originally planned. The booze and the drugs have thrown me so far off track for that.
When we got back to our hotel I asked Brian to get the guys together for a band meeting. Once everyone was there I knew it was now or die.
“So what’s up Gee?” Brian asks to get started.
“Well, I have been thinking a lot this past month. And I have been fighting with myself about it but I have finally come to a realization after tonight. I really do have a problem. You all know I drink a lot. I…I’m an alcoholic. And I’ve been getting high on my xanax pills, and recently have been using cocaine. I decided tonight I’m done drinking and getting high. But I’m going to need help. I can’t do it on my own. Until we get back to Jersey and I can go to a counselor and try and get into AA, I’m asking for your guys help. I know if I keep up the way I am, I’ll end up dead. I can’t do that to the people I really care about.” I end with a shaky voice trying so desperately to hold back tears and fail miserably. I feel the first of many slide down my cheek. Next thing I know Mikey is next to me pulling me into a hug.
“Gee, you know we are all more then willing to help you, we have been trying to help you, but we couldn’t until you were ready and could admit you needed it.” he says.
After a lot of talking and a lot of tears we settle to our rooms and get ready for the flight back to Jersey.
The flight back was horrible. I had seven thousand miles ahead of me to get through. I hadn’t drank at all in eight hours. The guys were helping me to try and distract myself as best possible. I was shaking constantly and having cold sweats, and I had to keep running to the bathroom to throw up. It literally felt like my skin was crawling. I knew if I was gonna do this I had to do it cold turkey and it fucking sucked. All I wanted to do was drink. The guys understood when I would beg for a drink. They knew it would happen. They would just try and get me to think of something else but it was so hard.
When we finally got off the plane I got really emotional. I wondered to myself if I would see these guys again or if I would fail and just downward spiral until I killed myself. Only time would tell what would truly happen.
*Authors note: the information I used on this chapter can be found in this interview here http://www.blender.com/guide/67928/147we146re-here-to-fight-evil148.html
We were back in Jersey for a few days to pack and shit then heading to Japan. I didn’t pack much, and said good bye to a lot of people. The way things were going, I knew I was gonna end up going to far and kill myself. I guess I just knew I wouldn’t be coming back. So I said goodbye to the few friends I had there. I kinda said a cryptic goodbye to my parents, next I knew we were on the plane heading to Japan.
Once there, the vicious cycle began. I drank and got high from the moment I woke up, to the time I would go to bed, everyday. I spent my whole time drunk. Performed shitty because I was drunk. Slurring my lyrics, forgetting lyrics, running to the side of the stage to vomit between songs. I was a fucking wreck. I was only proving my point that I would end up dead. I knew in my heart I couldn’t keep going with this, it had to stop, I needed to end this. Tonight was our last show. I was so drunk on Heineken and vodka tonics, I knew I wouldn’t remember a damn thing of this performance in the morning.
The show went horribly. Frank and Ray took turns singing some lyrics cause I was either forgetting them or I was puking during a song. I couldn’t wait for the set to end. I felt so sick and so emotionally drained from all the shit I have been thinking about the past month. I couldn’t take it anymore I wanted to break down. When the show finally ended I spent a half hour throwing up in a trash can off stage. I kept going until I was only bringing up bile. I thought to myself “I’ve drunk my last drink tonight.” I wasn’t going to kill myself, but instead I was gonna sit down with the band and tell them I have a problem and I really do need to get help. I needed to clean up if I was gonna do good with this band like I had originally planned. The booze and the drugs have thrown me so far off track for that.
When we got back to our hotel I asked Brian to get the guys together for a band meeting. Once everyone was there I knew it was now or die.
“So what’s up Gee?” Brian asks to get started.
“Well, I have been thinking a lot this past month. And I have been fighting with myself about it but I have finally come to a realization after tonight. I really do have a problem. You all know I drink a lot. I…I’m an alcoholic. And I’ve been getting high on my xanax pills, and recently have been using cocaine. I decided tonight I’m done drinking and getting high. But I’m going to need help. I can’t do it on my own. Until we get back to Jersey and I can go to a counselor and try and get into AA, I’m asking for your guys help. I know if I keep up the way I am, I’ll end up dead. I can’t do that to the people I really care about.” I end with a shaky voice trying so desperately to hold back tears and fail miserably. I feel the first of many slide down my cheek. Next thing I know Mikey is next to me pulling me into a hug.
“Gee, you know we are all more then willing to help you, we have been trying to help you, but we couldn’t until you were ready and could admit you needed it.” he says.
After a lot of talking and a lot of tears we settle to our rooms and get ready for the flight back to Jersey.
The flight back was horrible. I had seven thousand miles ahead of me to get through. I hadn’t drank at all in eight hours. The guys were helping me to try and distract myself as best possible. I was shaking constantly and having cold sweats, and I had to keep running to the bathroom to throw up. It literally felt like my skin was crawling. I knew if I was gonna do this I had to do it cold turkey and it fucking sucked. All I wanted to do was drink. The guys understood when I would beg for a drink. They knew it would happen. They would just try and get me to think of something else but it was so hard.
When we finally got off the plane I got really emotional. I wondered to myself if I would see these guys again or if I would fail and just downward spiral until I killed myself. Only time would tell what would truly happen.
*Authors note: the information I used on this chapter can be found in this interview here http://www.blender.com/guide/67928/147we146re-here-to-fight-evil148.html
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