Only four people are here so far including me, I look to see Gerard. I do not know if I should call him a friend or just someone, I talk too. I never had any good friends every friend I had was a fake not one visited me, it is not as if I am a crazy insane person I just have a lying problem. I walk to the chair beside Gerard and sit down waiting for this day to end.
An hour of my time waste again no one said anything it was as if we we’re all dead, you would think that if you were sitting with people who never said one word. I was beyond happy to finally be free from group therapy I headed towards the sun deck I come here ever day after the stupid group session we have, and every time I am outside Gerard is there. I made my way to the same table his always at and sit down in the same place I always sit at.
“Would you want to change “I ask. I had no clue were that question came from, I guess some where deep down I wanted to know if he would.
“Some days I want to change but other days I don’t to change, this is me. The guy who never eats the guy who always has his head the clouds that’s who I am I won’t ever change that” He replied.
That was like me I was the guy who lied I was the guy who couldn’t tell the truth to save my life, I do not even know what the truth is all I know is lies.
“What’s life like behind these walls?” I ask.
“Same as in here, you have freedom. You can be who you want out there but it is scary being all alone out there in the real world. Life behind these walls can be an amazing or it can be scary it is however you make it. I chose to hide behind these walls so no one could see the real me,” He said with so much emotion in his voice.
I have thought about what life would be like behind these walls it has been years since I have been out in the real world I forgot what it feels like. Maybe I should just pretending to tell the truth so I could be out there living my life the way I want, not staying in same hospital like a crazy insane person. But that life will not ever happen to leave this place, you have to get better and let’s face it I would never get better.
Today I would be going to group therapy alone today, some girl wanted us to talk to find out why I lied. I never knew why I lied I just lied one day and never stop. The therapist at the group session wanted me to talk to someone alone, like I needed therapy I’m not a guy who sits in the corner rocking back and forward saying “I’m not crazy” over and over. I headed in the room it was big there were no windows just a couch and a chair. I walk over to the couch to sit down I look at the clock two hours of this.
“ Good morning Frank. “ The lady said while walking in
I didn’t say anything I wasn’t here to make nice I just wanted to get better or at least I think I do.
“ My name is Stephanie” She said while looking at me
“ You already know my name” I replied. She just smiled at me I didn’t like her already I knew this was going to be long six months.
“ So Frank why do you lie” She ask
“ I just know I lied once and every since then I haven’t stop. I can’t explain why I lie” I said
“ Does lying make you feel good” She ask me
“ Lying is like my brand of high, every chance I get I‘ll lie to feel that high my body craves. Who knows maybe I‘m lying now” I replied while looking at her
“ Your addiction is just like a drug addicts once that person gets the high they can’t stop. “ She replied
“ I know I can’t stop I do not won’t to stop, I have no reason to stop. This is a waste of time why should I have to explain myself why I lie? “ I said while getting tired of talking to her. She was no help I could tell she hated every minute of being here, she was not alone.
“ Deep down Frank I think you want to change. You may have even thought about changing but it scared you when you did though about it, thinking you’re a liar you can not think like that. You can change if you really want too” She said while looking at me.
“ I do not won’t to change I’m a liar I was born a liar. Yeah I have for a second thought about changing but I will not. So often I have thought about what life would be like behind these walls, but I’ll never know cause I’m never going to change” I replied.
Two hours went by before I could leave, she was beyond wrong I didn’t won’t to change. Me being a liar is who I am I’m not changing that. I needed some fresh air I needed to clear my mind all of the wasted words she put in my head, I would never change and I would make sure I would not.
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