Rachel and Nigel are fighting and Rachel will stop at nothing to get him back
“So let me get this straight Gilligan you’ve loved me since kiddie camp?, and you didn’t have the guts to tell me?” Fanny asked as Hoagie took a slice of hamburger pizza and a cup of Coke nodding.
“I figured you were having more fun pushing me around and beating me into a bloody pulp so why spoil it?, I mean what’s fun to you was like fun to me in a traumatic sense” Hoagie said putting 40 Year Old Virgin in and settling back as the opening credits began.
“It wasn’t much me having fun as it was that you were really the only boy I ever saw when I was in one of my moods Gilligan.
Hoagie laughed as Fanny stared at him not really getting the joke but deciding that it must be funny to make him laugh.
“So what’s the joke Gilligan let me in on it, I can take a joke just as good as the next girl bully can”.
“It’s not that it’s this movie, no matter how many times I watch it I laugh at the same exact places every single time” Hoagie said his face turning red.
“I love this movie too, I mean Judd Appatow is a movie genius if you ask me” Fanny said as Hoagie nodded agreeing with her as a knock came on the door and Hoagie was afraid to answer it.
“Hoges open up it’s Nigel and I need a huge favor, and we’re talking ginormas in the sense that Rachel is going to slaughter me like pig if I don’t do it kind of favor” Nigel said as Fanny stormed up and ran to the door with Hoagie.
“Well, well, well look who it is ladies and gents it’s the chewtoy now what shall we do to him today Hoagie?, I mean after all you are a graduated chewtoy and all” Fanny said smiling at Nigel who shivered in the hall when he saw her.
“I’m thinking we let you decide his fate Fanny, I mean after all you are the bully genius behind the chewtoys” Hoagie said as Nigel didn’t like the evil smile on Fanny’s face when she walked into the hall.
“You know Gilligan when your right your right I am the bully genius behind the chewtoys aren’t I?, so that leaves poor, shivering, cowardly, fearful little Uno in for a special treat”.
“Look Fullbright the stunt you pulled earlier today was humiliating enough for one day, I just came to ask Hoagie if he could maybe postpone his date to a later time so I could borrow him to help me with Rachel” Nigel said as Hoagie shook his head smiling knowing what asking Fanny to leave a date early could do.
“What does he look like Cupid?, I mean does he have wings, a diaper, and carry heart shaped arrows?” Fanny asked as Nigel slumped against the wall and Fanny cornered him.
“No but he can help with this see I don’t know Rachel and my anniversary and Hoagie does seeing he studied the records of KND daters for awhile now” Nigel said barely speaking but whispering and squeaking.
“And the nerve of you to ask him to turn his date around just so he could help you with your woman problems, and by the way it’s August 19th if you wanna know”.
“He’s had no problems postponing dates for me before, I mean what’s changed from the girl’s he normally dates, Lizzie, Gretchen, Abby, Sarah, Megan, you they all have spunk but no spark to light their fuse” Nigel said as Hoagie gasped and Fanny’s shadow overpowered Nigel and he knew he made a mistake.
“First off telling a bully they’ve got no fuse is like sticking your head in a lions mouth, tempting but you may as well not do it, and two I am not to be compared to his other dates because I won’t leave him like they did” Fanny said picking Nigel up and producing a needle.
“Hoagie sweetie I need a flame and a big one to sterilize this needle, and some Sharpies if you have them of all colors, we’re going to make sure Nigel Uno doesn’t forget his anniversary ever again”.
Nigel yelped like a puppy when he saw the size of the needle and Fanny’s grin became wider when she saw a grill lighter and Sharpies of every color of the rainbow fall in front of her.
“Perfect now first we sterilize the needle, then we break these Sharpies apart and give you one of my own personal tats, seeing you love tats so much Nigel Uno” Fanny said as the needle was removed from the flame and Rachel came running up.
“Fanny you know I love your little tricks on my boyfriend but when it involves needles, an open flame, and Sharpies I have to ask why” Rachel said as Nigel tried squirming from her grasp but Fanny just clutched him harder.
“All right here’s the deal Rache, he came to Hoagie asking him to postpone his dating time with me so Hoagie could tell him the date of your anniversary, then he has the edacity to call me every other girl that Hoagie dated” Fanny said etching the letter A in Nigel’s shoulder blade and breaking open a red Sharpie.
“All right so he made a lot of big mistakes but what is with the needle, flame, and Sharpies are you trying to do a very morbid paint by numbers on him?”.
“No I’m giving him a homemade Fanny Fullbright original tatoo, this way if he asks when your anniversary is again I can tell him to check his back”.
The letter U and G were next and they got the colors green and blue as Rachel was liking Fanny’s idea.
“You’re the one who forgot our anniversary when I circled it on the calendar, I made post it notes all over the place and I made you the sweetest song to remember that it was today you twit” Rachel said as U and S came next colored in Black and Purple.
“This should teach you a lesson chewtoy, never and I mean never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever interrupt a date with Fanny Fullbright over something as stupid as an anniversary date” Fanny said making the T and coloring it Orange.
“Hoges you got a crazed girl on your hands, I think you should drop her like a bad habit and dedicate your life to helping me” Nigel said as the 19 was written last and colored Fuchsia and Pink.
“All right now to make a mural so whenever you forget when the anniversary is Rachel will be on your back with the date to remind you” Fanny said as Hoagie decided to go back inside and pop some popcorn.
When Fanny was finished with Rachel on Nigel’s back she smiled as Nigel stood up his back aching from the bottom to the top.
“There my greatest creation to date, and I like to call it the August 19th memorial dedicated to my number one girl Rachel Marybeth Mckenzie”.
“Now If you two would excuse me I have a date to pamper, and to get to know better, so shoo flies don’t bother us” Hoagie said as Rachel grabbed Nigel’s arm and forced him down the hall to their dorm.
“I preferred him when he was an agent Rache, he was always better to deal with when he was 7,8,9,10,11, and 12” Nigel could be heard saying as their dorm room slammed.
“I think whatever she has cooked up is far worse than anything you could do to him Fan, I mean she’s great when she’s happy and she’s definitely not happy”.
A crash from Nigel and Rachel’s dorm confirmed what Hoagie said as Fanny walked back into his dorm and settled on his bed hoping to God Hoagie would take her tonight as Hoagie had the same ideas.
“Your right about Rachel being mad she’s harder to deal with mad, and Uno has his work cut out for him tonight” Fanny said snatching up another piece of pizza and picking a piece of hamburger off and tossing it into her mouth.
“Fan I know this sounds crazy with this being our first date and all but would you consider spending the night tonight?, I mean I think it would give us time to get to know each other better” Hoagie said as Fanny smiled knowing that Hoagie had more in store for her.
“Listen Casanova I’ll spend the night since you asked so nicely but you and I both know that getting to know each other is not what you have in mind, what you have in mind involves you, me and a rubber that is if you have one”.
“Actually I’m fresh out but Wally has a bunch of them and he should give me one seeing I’ve given him a bunch of them” Hoagie said pausing the movie and standing up.
“I’m in too because I know that Kuki has her time with Wally now, and even if she looks sweet and innocent she’s a freak in the bed or so I’m told” Fanny said as Hoagie got a fearful look on his face when they reached the dorm door.
“Well I guess we should knock and see what happens Fan, unless you wouldn’t mind not having a rubber”.
“Gilligan haven’t you paid attention during health class, no rubber+ sex= new baby and my figure can’t handle it right now, so swallow your fears and pound on that dorm room door”.
Hoagie’s hand turned into a fist as he pounded and Fanny looked down at him satisfied as moaning and screaming was heard in Wally’s dorm.
“There’s hope for you yet Gilligan now let’s see what happens next shall we?, Maybe Kuki and Wally won’t mind that we’re here interrupting happy time” Fanny said as Hoagie went to knock again as he heard an angry sigh and Kuki yelling in Japanese.
Meanwhile in Wally’s room we see Kuki and Wally’s clothes laying in a heap on the floor as Kuki angrily sat up screaming in Japanese and Wally knew exactly what she was saying which was weird for him.
“Whoever it is don’t you see the orange hoodie on the door it means do not disturb for those a little hard of understanding” Kuki said slamming open the dorm door and seeing Fanny and Hoagie smiling up at her.
“Oh it’s just you two I thought it was Wally’s perverted roommate again trying to get a peepshow, anyways what brings you guys around these parts don’t you know it’s me and Wally time?”.
“Yes I’m aware it’s you and Wally time and next time I’d appreciate it if you wore a towel or something Kooks, I just came to see if I could borrow a rubber from Wally” Hoagie said as Kuki smiled as we see her white supple breasts her nipples hard and her pubic hair the same color as her regular hair.
“I’ll be sure to change if I hear another knock at the door Hoges, and as for borrowing a rubber I’m sure Wally won’t mind parting with one of his” Kuki said as Wally quickly ran to a drawer and pulled out a blue one.
“All right now if there’s anything else you need don’t hesitate to call next time, or maybe we can do dinner after Kuki’s satisfied and I’m happy for her”.
“Come on big boy we haven’t even broken the surface of our lovemaking abilities yet, you have a lot of abuse to help melt out of me” Kuki said pulling Wally back into the dorm room.
“Well that went well now didn’t it, it was lucky that he had a rubber or I’d have one of those awkward visits to the College store asking them if they sell condoms” Hoagie said laughing nervously as Fanny laughed along with him.
“This date is turning into one roller coaster ride after another Hoges, I say we go back and chill with Judd Appatow for awhile” Fanny said as they reached the dorm and Hoagie opened the door to find Nigel waiting and smiling.
“Hmmmmm three chewtoy pranks in one day how can a woman help herself Hog?, that’s my new nickname for you Hoagie Hog it’s cute and to the point”.
“Listen I don’t want to be here either but Rachel’s screaming and crying, she says we’re over and I think she means it this time guys I really think she does” Nigel said as a pillow and a blanket was thrown into the hall.
“So you think I’m a crazed maniac huh Nigel Uno?, well here’s what a crazed maniac would do you insensitive jerk” Rachel said as Nigel’s suitcase hit the wall and clothes flew out.
Hoagie and Fanny hummed the wedding march as Nigel stared at the both of them as they smiled back at him.
“We are not married we can’t even stand to be in the same room at this point, and this whole her being my roommate thing is driving me absolutely misccchings and that’s Kuki Sanaban’s word of mouth”.
“Sounds kind of like the sound a cash register makes after a sale doesn’t it Fan, I mean misccchings who knew that was a Kuki Sanaban word?” Hoagie asked as CD’s were tossed from the room next.
“Well I don’t know where your sleeping but it’s not going to be here Nigel, I have a date and I haven’t had one since the last day of school three years ago when Abby left for Nashville“.
“Well I can’t go back in there I’m expecting her to start a campfire and grab me during the sing along of Kumbiah, all’s I said was she acted like a crazy person about this anniversary thing and she went nuts” Nigel said as DVD cases flew out of the room next.
“I want you out of this room and out of my life Nigel, Your not worth the pain you give me every single day you cold, heartless, hypocritical, old man” Rachel said as Nigel didn’t listen to a word she said and stormed back into the room.
A scream was what followed as the dorm room slammed and locked, all’s we hear is Rachel screaming from the top of her lungs and Nigel pleading his case to her.
“Rachel I never meant to hurt you but you’ve got to admit you are a bit overly clingy when you want to be” Nigel said as another crash was heard and Hoagie and Fanny rushed into his dorm.
“All right Hog let me get ready you just have those clothes off and that rubber on when I come out of the bathroom” Fanny said as she closed the bathroom door and Hoagie rushed out of his clothes and placed the condom on himself.
Meanwhile Fanny was checking herself out in the mirror making sure she looked just right for her first time and rushed out of the bathroom making sure not to be caught by anyone as she ran into Hoagie’s room her heart racing.
“Wow that was by far the fastest I’ve ever seen a girl get undressed, of course it’s also the first time I ever seen a girl get undressed but you know what I mean.
“All right Hog your on top and I’ll try my best to talk you through the motions as you do them, unless you can wow me and do them all yourself” Fanny said as she laid down and Hoagie laid down on top of her.
It didn’t take long for Fanny to realize that Hoagie knew exactly what he was doing as her tan breast floated in and out of Hoagie’s sheets.
“Ohhhhhhhh yes faster Hog faster baby don’t stop yet go faster if it’s possible to go any faster” Fanny screamed in ecstasy as Hoagie did go faster and her ecstasy screams were satisfied screams.
Patience by Guns And Roses blared through Hoagie’s walls as they both knew that either Nigel left Rachel, Rachel left Nigel, or they were having make up sex.
“We need a song to make love to Hog, just pick anything on that stereo and play it, and if it’s Wicked Game change it because it’s so cliché.
Hoagie pressed play as November Rain by Guns and Roses loaded in his CD player and Fanny smiled at the song.
“This is the one Hog this is our song, and every time I hear it I’ll think of you if you think of me Hoggy” Fanny said as Hoagie could just nod his breath coming out in spasms of ecstasy and Fanny went back to her commands.
“Slower Hog ohhhhhhhh slower baby yes you know how mommy likes it that’s the right spot Hog, hit the spot Hog come on baby hit the spot.
Hoagie’s eyes were full of passion as were Fanny’s and patience stopped as we hear the door slam to Nigel and Rachel’s dorm and a knock upon Hoagie’s door.
“Go away whoever it is we’re kind of busy in here if you don’t mind, and if it’s Rachel I’m sorry but if it’s Nigel you got your daily dose of Vitamin G for the day” Hoagie said as Rachel sighed sadly and slumped against the door quoting the song word for word.
“Shed a tear cause I’m missing you
I’m still all right to smile
Boy I think about you everyday now
Was a time when I wasn’t sure
But you set my mind at ease
There is no doubt your in my heart now
Said Nigel take it slow
It’ll work itself out fine
All we need is just a little patience
Said sugar make it slow
And we’ll come together fine
All we need is just a little patience
Ooh, oh, yea Rachel sang as Fanny and Hoagie finished up and Fanny threw a towel on
“Rache please tell me he didn’t leave you, because if he did I’m going to have to start cracking some skulls Fanny Fullbright style” Fanny said as Rachel was off in his own little world.
“I sit here in the hall
Cause I’d rather be alone
If I can’t have you right now, I’ll wait dear
Sometimes I get so tense
But I can’t speed up time
But you know love, there’s one more thing to consider
Said Nigel take it slow
Things will be just fine
You and I’ll just use a little patience
Said Nigel take the time
Cause the lights are shining bright
You and I got what it takes to make it
We won’t fake it, oh never break it
Cause I can’t take it
Rachel picked up a guitar and started playing as Fanny looked for any signs of life and when she saw none she carried Rachel over to Hoagies tub as he stepped back scared for Rachel.
“I’ve seen her like this twice in my life and both times were because of Nigel, and they also led to two suicide attempts so hide the pill bottles, sharp objects, and the bottles that say keep out of reach of children” Fanny said as Rachel started bawling.
“… Little patience, mm yeah oh yeah
Need a little patience, yeah
Just a little patience, yeah
Some more pati… (Ence, yea)
I’ve been walking these streets at night
Just trying to get it right
It’s hard to see with so many around
And you know I don’t like being stuck in a crowd
And the streets don’t change, But Maybe the name
And I aint got time for the game
Cause I need you
Yeah, yeah well I need you
Oh I need you
Whoa I need you
When the song was done Rachel put her wrists on her guitar strings trying to cut herself but Fanny stopped her.
“Well this is new Rache, What are you thinking those strings are much too strong baby” Fanny said as Rachel bawled and fell into Fanny’s arms
That’s it just review I guess