So close, yet so far. *All wiL's perspective.
A day passed, which then became a few days, which soon developed into a week. It amazed and overwhelmed me at how fast time seemed to pass me by, because I had no recognition of it until I was physically told by someone. Perhaps the reason was because the past week I had been hanging out with Gerard and Mikey.
It’s astounding how having friends can make such a difference to your life. Two weeks ago, before that one Art lesson that changed it all, I went to school as part of a chore in life. Hell, my whole life was a chore. Yet, while I was hanging out with Gerard and Mikey, I found myself waking up in the morning and looking forward to the day ahead of me. It felt like I finally had something to live for, like life has finally given me meaning. Whilst hanging out with Gerard and Mikey, I have started to experience this strange feeling inside of me. It wasn’t just strange though, it was also extremely pleasant. Maybe that was why it felt so strange. It was as if my stomach felt free; not so restricted or tied up in knots. My mind also felt more clear and my heart not so heavy in my chest. I guess this is what freedom felt like. Freedom from all the pessimistic thoughts that usually clog up my conscience. I just started to think and feel positive for once in my life. It wasn’t necessarily positive so much, just more carefree. For example, the biggest problem I have worried about since that evening at the Way’s was trying to contain my uncontrollable feelings for Gerard. And if I’m being honest, that problem wasn’t entirely horrible to put up with. But I had come to terms with the fact that this whole friendship thing has turned out to be more difficult than I had imagined.
This was proven on Saturday night, which was only yesterday, so the events are still very fresh in my mind; I’m still reeling from the whole ordeal of the night. Gerard and Mikey were having a mini-party at their house because their mom and dad were taking Elena out of town to visit some old friend. The party was quite literally a ‘mini-party’—it only consisted of Gerard, Mikey and myself. But in my opinion, it was more fun than any loud, crowded house party out there. We spent the night watching horror films, drinking booze, eating popcorn, listening to music and just having a laugh. I will always remember that night vividly because that was the night when I really felt we bonded as friends. No, not friends. Friends was a too loose term to describe the connection. It was something much more than that. It goes deeper. It felt like the closest thing to family.
Sitting there on the worn red couch with a beer in one hand, some ridiculous zombie-gore movie playing on the ancient VCR and Gerard and Mikey laughing and making playful comments about how moronic and lame the effects were made me feel so…removed from it all. It felt as if I was someone else looking on the scene in a third perspective. The situation, the atmosphere, the feeling I was experiencing was all too unfamiliar and surreal that it felt like it wasn’t me sitting on that couch in the Way’s living room. I mean, come on! This was me: wiL Francis! I am practically the most depressing guy you could ever meet. The life I led wasn’t what I classed as a life; it was what I referred to as a living Hell. And here I was, laughing and joking with two other humans and feeling happy! Even thinking about it makes me want to laugh ‘til I spew.
But it was happening and I knew it was real; there was no way that any dream could produce a feeling so strong and pure and real. My senses seemed more clear and sensitive: the smell of the newly arrived take-away pizza, the taste of the bitter yet refreshing beer sliding down my throat, the feel of the warm gusts of heat radiating from the heater beside the couch, the sound of Gerard and Mikey arguing at the door about who has to pay an extra couple of dollars for the pizza. And lastly, the look of the triumphant smile on Gerard’s face when he walks back into the room that causes me to moan involuntarily. And that takes me back to where I started before I went on to rant about pointless descriptions and my pathetic feelings and shit. It takes me back to what I intended to explain: how trying to have a totally platonic relationship with Gerard was the hardest job in the world.
It was all going okay, until later on that night when we were watching the latest horror film to make it to #1 in the movie charts. We turned all the lights off and closed the curtains so there was no light in the room except for the illumination of the TV screen. Mikey claimed the vacant couch before Gerard and him could make amendments. Mikey’s lanky body took up all the room and, being Mikey, refused to budge up for him. Gerard then slowly walked over to the couch I was sitting on in an almost hesitant way and looked at me from underneath his lashes. His feet were shifting from side to side; it occurred to me it was a nervous habit he had. I got a strong sense of déjà vu when it reminded me of the first time we formally introduced ourselves to each other in Art. It seemed a lot of encounters we had reminded me of that time. The words he then spoke brought back a wave of nostalgia from that memory:
‘’Can I sit next to you?’’
It took me a few seconds to bring myself away from my thoughts and register what Gerard had said, which caused the previous look of uncertainty on his face to morph into an awkward frown. I attempted to quickly recover myself, and inwardly cursed myself for seeming like such an awkward fuck.
“OH! Right, yeah of course, sorry…” I mumbled apologetically, and altered my position to make some room for him. He gave me a tentative smile, and gingerly sat down on the sofa beside me. A feeling of uneasiness fell over me when I realised how uncomfortable Gerard seemed; the way he was sitting was polite and reserved, the way someone would sit in the presence of a stranger. It hurt me that Gerard would feel that way in my presence, because I thought we had become good friends over the last week. I looked over at Gerard, who, strangely enough, simultaneously looked over at me. I gave him a content smile, which he returned, and thankfully seemed to help him unwind and relax. He let his legs sprawl out in front of him, and he made a little joke with Mikey about how he was staying up way past his bedtime. Yeah, we definitely were okay now.
Things were going fine for a while; the film was pretty decent and seemed to attain all our attentions. Gerard and I even had a little bonding moment when we were both quietly laughing at Mikey, who looked like he was going to wet himself. However, moments like these can never last long.
An hour into the movie, my leg started to cramp up. I decided to move it onto the floor to stretch. As I moved my leg, I accidently nudged Gerard’s thigh, which brought him out of his trance from the film.
“Oh, sorry, I just needed to move the position of my leg, didn’t mean to nudge you.” I quickly glanced at Gerard, who glanced at me with a small smile on his lips.
A moment of déjà vu ensued between Gerard and I, at that moment, when the intense moment in the basement recurred between us again. Our eyes captured one another’s once again, and the trance commenced, leaving us unable to look away. A moment passed, or perhaps even several moments, but I finally managed to pull myself out of the moment of memorisation between us and look at the TV, though not actually watching the film. I sensed Gerard tense up beside me, but only for a second, and he imminently relaxed once more. I didn’t dare to look at his face to read his reaction, because I was truly afraid of what it might be. And, to be honest, I wasn’t sure what I wanted it to be.
The truth was, I still believed that having Gerard in my life was my main priority, and if being friends was the only way then so be it. The reason why I looked away during that intense moment between Gerard and I was because, as we were staring at each other, a voice in my head spoke to me and reminded me of what I had previously decided to do that time I first visited the Way’s: If I really do love Gerard, then I need to give up my love for him, otherwise I can’t have him at all. Deep down, as cynical as it may be, I know that Gerard and I could never be together because the world will never let us. The world is full of ignorant, small-minded people who are afraid of change, because they see it as wrong and regard it as not right. And I have realised that I do not want to bring Gerard into a situation where people will look at Gerard as being wrong or not right, because it will destroy me how anyone can think that about someone who is such perfection. So ultimately, what I am doing is protecting Gerard, not hurting him. He just doesn’t know it.
About 15 minutes passed after the intense moment between us, until something else happened. As I was watching the film, which was at a rather gruesome scene, I was vaguely aware of a light sensation near my hand. I glanced away from the TV and looked down at my hand, which I saw was side-by-side Gerard’s, whose hand was slightly grazing my own. My breath caught in my throat at the close contact between us, and I subconsciously found myself slowly looking up into Gerard’s eyes, who was looking at me also. I noticed how he seemed to be looking at me with such intensity and such…passion! It might have just been my deluded mind, but I was sure that he was looking at me like he…wanted me. Even if it was for just that moment. I looked away to my right, away from the view of Gerard and Mikey, and attempted to control my breathing, which had rather escalated. Just as I had started to regulate my breathing once more, Gerard then places his hand over mine and entwines his fingers with mine. Naturally, I froze for a moment, not believing the surreal moment I was endorsing. Was Gerard really holding my hand? And if so, why was he holding my hand? It didn’t make sense, and trying to get my head around it was confusing me beyond belief. Everything I had believed over the last week, that Gerard was straight and I had no chance whatsoever with him, was completely blown to smithereens. Holding someone’s hand meant something, it had a meaning attatched to the action, and the meaning usually means I have feelings for you. Could Gerard really be gay? Or was he merely confused?
All I knew was that I was confused, and I had to get away for the situation for a bit to compose myself once more. I detracted my hand from Gerard’s and mumbled something about needing to go to the toilet, and walked out of the room in a daze. Once I had reached the bathroom, I drenched my face in water and hoped that some sort of realisation would come to me regarding Gerard’s behaviour. I looked at myself in the mirror, and stifled a shriek when I saw someone in the mirror behind me. It was, of course, Gerard. I was about to ask him why he had held my hand downstairs, but was suppressed by Gerard’s intent gaze. And, in that moment, everything changed.
Gerard backed me against the bathroom wall, completely shocking me at his forceful action. However, what mostly shocked me was the sudden dominance he was showing. There was a sudden change in Gerard, a change I only came to see in my dreams. I got a sudden case of déjà vu, yet again, when I got an imminent flashback of the wet dream I once had about Gerard. I gave a moan without warning, which seemed to give Gerard a signal for what he was prepared to do. And that was when he kissed me.
His mouth collided with mine, in an act of desperation and pure lust. He grabbed the back of my head with the cup of his hand and pulled me closer to him, inserting his tongue into my mouth. My tongue then met his, and my whole being became completely undone. All that I had repressed over the last week, my love for Gerard and the actions I have wanted to inflict on him, completely faltered me in this moment and didn’t matter. Because all I wanted and needed right now was Gerard. Right in that moment.
I flipped Gerard round so he was backed against the wall and I was pushing him against it, and I did to him what I had wanted to do for so long. I held his face between my hands tenderly, and slowly kissed him. In that moment, all I felt was the empowering feeling love does to you, when you let it. And in that moment, I embraced it and, for once, I was not ashamed of it. And I don’t think Gerard was either. Not right then, anyway. My breathing stopped for a moment when I finally realised something: Gerard loved me. And neither of us could deny it right then because we both knew. For the first time since the Drew incident, I felt my eyes tear up, and tears were forming in my eyes. Right then, I wanted to scream from the rooftops that I love Gerard. I wanted to tell Gerard that I love him, that I will always love him.
I mumbled his name involuntarily between hot, languid kisses. He detached his mouth from mine and looked at me through his eyelashes, almost bashfully: “Yes?”
I decided that I wanted him to finally know how I truly felt, even if he had already figured it out for himself. I just didn’t want him to think this was just some silly experimental kiss that most teenagers indulge in; I wanted him to understand the truth.
I stroked his face delicately, whilst trying to articulate what I was going to say in my mind. I then decided that the best way was to come out with it was to be straight-up and blunt about it.
‘’Gerard…the truth is…I am in lo—‘’
I groaned at the sheer cliché of the situation – why is it that a phone always rings at the most inappropriate times? Gerard glanced towards the bathroom door, and then quickly glanced back at me. As the phone went on ringing, the situation between Gerard and I got more and more awkward, especially as we still hadn’t untangled ourselves from each other. After it was clear that Mikey was not going to answer it, Gerard finally spoke and I moved myself off of Gerard.
“Erm, I guess I better get that then. Might be someone important…”
“Yeah, yeah, of course, you better go get it.”
We gave each other one last look before we cleared our throats and walked out of the bathroom, the previous feelings and energy between us gone. Gerard halted for a second, and quickly turned round to face me.
“Hey wiL, err was there anything important you wanted to tell me before the phone rang?” It irritated me how he now seemed embarrassed about the encounter, like it was some big mistake. Which, of course, completely changed my mind about telling him how I felt.
“No, it was nothing important at all. Just something silly.”
“Oh, okay then. I better get the phone now…” And after giving me one last awkward smile, he rushed down the stairs. Me? I just sat on the stair I was currently standing on and put my head in my hands, wishing life could not be so damn confusing.
I was vaguely aware of Gerard’s distant voice talking on the phone, but was only half-listening to it until I heard a certain name that instantly brought back my attention for all the wrong reasons: Frankie.
Hey people, if you’re still there, I know I haven’t updated in like 1-2 years but I’ve been really busy for the last year and, honestly, I haven’t really had motivation for this story. However, I’ve recently finished my AS Level exams (WOOO) and decided to carry on with this story. So if there are people that still enjoy reading this story, then I guess I’ll try and continue. Leave comments and ratings if you read, it’s much appreciated! Xo