You ever loved someone so much that you’d give up your love for them?
I felt paralyzed. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t seem to get my muscles to work or my limbs to move. It was as if my tendons had frozen; causing the muscle and bone to lock into place. I wondered if wiL was secretly a magician. You know, the ones that have a way of hypnotizing you with an antique pocket watch. But in wiL’s case, he was hypnotizing me with his eyes. His chocolate brown eyes combined with the deepest, richest green. They were just like a forest, and I was having trouble finding my way out of them.
It seemed, though I couldn’t be sure, that wiL was slowly shifting closer to me, his eyes still holding mine in the trance. Was he? Or was it just my deluded mind playing tricks on me? Yes, he was definitely moving towards me. I could feel the heat from his body prickle against my skin, suffocating the pores with the intensity of it. And it wasn’t just my pores lacking the much-needed oxygen. I suddenly forgot how to breathe. My heart started pumping wildly from sheer panic; using up even more of the remaining oxygen I had left in my lungs. It was as if wiL’s stare was smothering me. I desperately needed, and wanted, to get away from it.
Knock, Knock, Knock.
‘’Gee, grandma’s here. You better get yours and wiL’s er, butt up here now or I’m taking the best plate of spaghetti. Actually, I’m just taking the best plate of spaghetti anyway.’’
Mikey’s muffled voice woke me up from wiL land and rescued me from the most weird, insane scenario I’ve ever found myself in. wiL suddenly jumped back as if he had been electrocuted. He looked as if he had been electrocuted too; his eyes and mouth the shape of a picturesque ‘O’ and he was shaking slightly. Well, it looked more like he was vibrating as the tremors were so faint. I just stayed where I was, sitting on the bed staring at the basement door. I didn’t know what to say or do. I’d never felt like that before or been in a situation similar in my life. Ever. But you know what scared me the most? Was that it was William. wiL. Who, I’m 99.9% sure, is a guy. A dude. A man. A male. A Y chromosome. Like me. And to be in any way attracted to someone of the same sex makes you….gay? Gay. The word just seemed so strange to me. I’ve never in my life really thought about the sexuality. Or even the meaning. I just knew from common sense that it was when members of the same sex liked the same gender as their own. It was just an obvious fact to know in life. But now after this…thing with wiL, I’ve suddenly became aware of the status. What does it actually mean? Does this thing I have just encountered with wiL mean anything? Because I honestly don’t know.
I looked over at wiL and studied him carefully. Sure, I guess he is a good looking guy. His slightly-long black hair looked glossy and thick and so much cooler than my own lank black hair. His cheekbones looked angular and sharp under the lighting in my room, especially now as he’s pouting. His eyes…his eyes. Why did his eyes always captivate me? I put it down to them being so striking and unique. I guess if I were a girl I would….and then it dawned on me. Without any recognition at all, I had automatically said ‘If I were a girl…’. That must mean something right? It must mean that deep, deep down I only see these things about him out of admiration. Not because I, you know, like him. Ergh, even the thought of it creeps me out. See, that must mean something too! I couldn’t be into guys if the thought of it turns my stomach. And not in a pleasant way. wiL and I must have just gone through a weird moment there. All teenagers go through it; hormones and shit. I was relieved by the sudden relief I felt. The only thing that still worried me was that wiL would go all freaky on me and not want to be my friend anymore. He looked kind-of…freaked out. Like he couldn’t believe what had just happened. If I lost the only guy that has been my friend, not counting Mikey, I would be crushed. Yeah, we have only known each other properly for two days. But those two days have been the most exciting two days I’ve had in high school. That just shows how crap and boring my life has been. But still, I’d be pretty upset. I decided to make it clear that I’m just as freaked out about it as he is.
‘’Erm, that was..er-different.’’ I gave a nervous laugh at my lame choice of a descriptive word. wiL looked up at me and nodded his head slowly, looking as if he couldn’t agree with my thought more.
‘’Well…look man, can we just forget that happened? Really, I don’t know what the hell that was about but…can we just try and forget it and go back to how it was before? Because honestly, it’s freaked me out as much as it has you. Believe me.’’ After my plead to him, I gave him an apologetic smile and waited for his reply. He stood up and looked at me for a second, really looked at me with an intense expression; looking as if he was desperately trying to find something embedded there. I subconsciously put my hand to my face to see if there was anything there. Then wiL suddenly stepped back and put on his shoes. A sudden realization came to me as he put on his shoes. He’s going to walk out, isn’t he? He thinks I’m a horny faggot that got him to my house to seduce him? Oh. My. God. This is not how I planned today to turn out. But then after he put his shoes on, he faced me and I couldn’t tell what he was going to do next. His face was apathetic. It made him impossible to read.
‘’Let’s go see your grandma. She’s been waiting long enough.’’
Boom Boom. Boom Boom. Boom Boom.. My heart rate was still beating as profusely as before. Even now after Gerard admitted that he was freaked out and wants to forget what had happened between us. But I just can’t. I just continuously replay what had happened over and over again in my head. Everything was as clear and real in my mind as it was when it happened; the dazed look on Gerard’s face, the glaze over his eyes, the fresh, powdery scent he exudes, the heat radiating from his body... And every time each of these images flickers behind my eyelids, it sends my heart into convulsive spasms that leave me breathless and wanting more. It was even better than pot. It left the same serene, happy, invincible feeling, just immensely stronger. If I hadn’t remembered the feeling and the images of the dream-like scene, I could have believed it was merely a clairvoyant illusion my mind had produced. It wasn’t hard to believe seeing as I hyperventilate about encounters like this regularly when I’m stoned. But the aftermath of the situation has left me and Gerard as we were before; two guys slowly, but surely, becoming friends. It was as if the whole thing never happened.. And, to be honest, I wasn’t sure how I felt about that.
Gerard’s home was pretty small, but cosy. It was a home, not a house. And I liked that. The whole atmosphere made me feel all warm and mellow inside. Not like my house, which was cold and empty looking, with its dull colors and lack of home furnishings. It was just like a prison, just without the bars. Dark and depressing. The Way’s home was lavished with vintage home décor that I could tell held a lot of family memories. Every wall was painted in vibrant, welcoming colors that made you feel comfortable and every room was surrounded by happy, smiley photos of the Way family. There were various ones of memorable events like Donna and Mr. Way’s wedding, One of Gerard and Mikey, Elena with Gerard and Mikey at Christmas, Donna holding a newborn tenderly in her arms as if it’s the most precious living thing in the world, another one of Donna pushing a chubby Gerard on the swing as a toddler. There were so many that I couldn’t keep track of them all. But there was one that vividly caught my eye.
It just sort of stuck out, like a trophy among a row of medals on a mantelpiece or a Picasso masterpiece in a gallery of average paintings or Gerard’s face compared to everyone else’s on the planet. It just captured my full attention and made me forget all the other pictures instantly. It was, unsurprisingly, of Gerard, but that wasn’t just it. He was in a pair of puke green tights, a little green tunic and cap with a feather in it. That could only be one person.
‘’That was Gerard as Peter Pan in his school play. He played the part very well too, better than the young actress who acted Peter Pan the one time I went to Broadway to see the production. He made me very proud that day. He’s awfully embarrassed of the memory though.’’
I turned around with a jolt suddenly, surprised by the sudden voice. I managed to suppress my bad language just in time when I saw who it was that interrupted me ogling a picture of Gerard in tights. Oh god, I hope she doesn’t think I’m perving on her innocent grandson. Her being the grandmother of Gerard and Mikey. Elena. And if I thought the Peter Pan picture was attention-grabbing, then Elena has just had my eyeballs served to her on a plate. I had been anticipating the moment of meeting her since Mikey told me she would like to meet me. It was just the way Mikey had said her name. Like it was the most special name in the world that couldn’t compare to any other. I have to admit, I think the name sounds beautiful. Elena. It’s an extremely elegant name that never aged. And that’s exactly how I’d describe Elena seeing her now.
Her porcelain skin was lined with graceful creases that reminded me of the intricate pattern from bark on an oak tree. She was incredibly small and petite; it made her look fragile as if she would shatter if I even touched her. Seriously, she was smaller that Francesca. And that’s small. Her hair was naturally a bronze color like Mikey’s, but it was now colored with silver. She smelt of honey suckle. Warm and sweet. These attributes of hers make her look like an elderly grandmother should. But there was one feature of hers that has never, and will never, age. Her eyes. They were a warm hazel color that were golden under the candlelight on the mantelpiece. They looked so young because they were Gerard and Mikey’s eyes. She was obviously who they inherited the beautiful feature from. She was the most wonderful woman I’d ever seen.
‘’Elena’’ I stated. She gave me a smile that caused her eyes to crinkle in the way Gerard’s do. I smiled back. Her smiling was contagious.
‘’Yes, that is me. And you must be wiL. I take that is short for William?’’ I nodded back with a grimace. I hated my name so much. It just sounded so posh and fancy. The complete opposites of what I am. Elena chuckled at me expression.
‘’It doesn’t really suit you, does it? wiL is nice though. It suits you much more.’’ Finally, someone agreed with me!
‘’Well, I would have really appreciated it if you had told my mom that before my birth. I mean, who calls people William? It’s a name for the British people who eat caviar and play croquet. Not a 16 year old American kid covered in tattoos.’’ Why the hell do I say things without thinking? If I had a gun right now, I would have ended my life before experiencing the humiliation of my stupidity. But Elena just laughed and nodded in agreement.
‘’I guess it doesn’t really suit you image dear. But you wouldn’t feel so unlucky if you knew Gerard’s middle name.’’ I have to admit, I’ve always wondered what Gerard’s middle name was. I always imagined it to be something artistic like ‘Pierre or ‘Carlisle’. But I highly doubted it now looking at Elena’s childish smile that erased at least ten years of her age.
‘’His middle name is Arthur.’’ Instead of laughing, I looked over at Gerard with Mikey and focused on Gerard. Gerard Arthur Way.. A smirk pulled at the corners of my mouth. Though it did sound a little odd, it had a kind of ring to it.
‘’It was his grand fathers name, my late husband. Donna did it in memory of him and because she thought I would appreciate it. Well, of course I was grateful she would do something like that. But do you want to know what my first thought was?’’ She quickly looked around her to see if anyone, most importantly Donna, was around us. Donna was in the kitchen serving the dinner and Gerard and Mikey were on the couch fighting for the remote control. It was safe for her to spill the confession.
‘’I thought ‘Poor child for being saddled with a name like that’.’’ After she said that, I burst into guffaws of laughter. She was such a cool grandma! She just amazed me with what she said. It was totally unexpected. My liking towards her grew even stronger.
‘’Man, I guess that is a name to live up to. But my mom hated me so much that she decided to give me an even worse middle name. Obviously one bad name wasn’t enough for her.’’ I couldn’t believe I was spilling all of this out to a woman I’ve only just met. But I felt so comfortable around her I didn’t even bother to pause and think. I wish she was my grandma.
‘’Oh no. What is it?’’ Elena was all eyes and ears, eager to know the answer. It was weird for someone to be so engrossed in a conversation with me. But I decided to savor the experience.
‘’Erm…It’s er,…Roy.’’ I winced when I admitted it. The name always makes me wince. Even when I have to write it down on a school essay. Elena looked at me with understanding and then placed her hand on my arm and squeezed it.
‘’Well, just thank the lord it’s your middle name and not your first.’’ And then we were both laughing again. I have never, ever met a woman like her before. Or anyone, saying that. Now I know why Gerard and Mikey are so close to her. She truly is an incredible person.
Not long after that, we were all sitting at the dining table eating the delicious Spaghetti Bolognese Donna had cooked. It tastes even better than it smells, if that’s even possible. The room was flooded with the sounds of laughter, chattering and bickering from the Way family. I was just silently eating my dinner while listening to everyone else; immersing myself in the conversations and joking and arguing while not actually joining in. I knew that Gerard was pissed at Mikey for taking the last of the parmesan cheese and I knew that Donna had accidentally spilt coffee down her Boss’ trousers. And yes, it was his crutch. I knew that Elena visited Church today and had tea with the Vicar. And I knew that this was the best evening of my life.
If I had a wish, a wish to make anything come true, it wouldn’t be to make Gerard love me as I love him. It would be for me to be a part of this family. The Way family. They are the stereotypical perfect family. Everything about them was just…perfect. Everything I could want in a family, they are it. It’s just ironic how the guy I’m in love with is in the family I’d want as my own. That means if they were my family, he’d be my brother. And that means if I was in love with him, that would be classed as incest. So I guess it’s the test of what I’d prefer: love or family. And I’ve already answered that. Because if I could have any wish, it would be for the Way Family hands down. But then saying that, could I live with Gerard 24/7 loving him the way I do? Seeing him when I wake up, during the day and then when I go to sleep? And seeing him dripping wet after a shower in just a towel? Fuck, my head is starting to hurt. It’s never going to happen so there’s no need to comprehend it. I push the ludicrous thought to the back of my mind.
‘’I’m home!’’ A male voice boomed from the front door. Donna flicked her hair behind her shoulders and straightened her shirt. It must be Mr. Way.
‘’Hello honey, how was your day?’’ Donna asked once he’d walked into the living room. She got up from her seat and kissed him on the cheek.
‘’Oh wonderful.’’, he said sarcastically, ‘’We had to suspend Andrew today. I caught him bunking off three times smoking those damned cigarettes. Those druggie sticks need to be destroyed.’’ He said with conviction. I saw Gerard opposite me look down at his dinner embarrassed and Mikey smirking at him. I then clocked in on it. Well, you learn something new everyday.
‘’Aww. Well, other than that was it okay?’’ Donna cooed as she slipped his coat off for him. Why is it that women do that? They treat their husbands as if they’re helpless children. They really are a weird species.
‘’Hmm same old, same old.’’ He answered gruffly. He then walked to Elena and planted a soft kiss on her cheek.
‘’How are you my darling?’’ He asked affectionately as he sat down for his dinner. I knew for a fact that Elena was Donna’s mom, but if I hadn’t known this, I would have mistaken Mr. Way to be her son. You could tell he really cared for her.
‘’Oh, I’m fine Don. Just went to the Church today and had tea with the Vicar. Such a lovely man, he is. And I went to see my old friend Penny. You know her. She was the one whose husband recently passed away and…’’ Elena’s soothing voice became a faint murmur as I found myself looking at Gerard. And it wasn’t because I’m so in love with him I can’t keep my eyes away. For once, it was because I saw that he was staring at me. And I do mean staring. He was staring at me the way I would imagine I stare at him. It was like a zoned out look that you couldn’t be sure if he was looking at me or looking through me. But a few seconds after out eyes met, he switched his eyes to Mikey and asked him something about giving him his comic back. Before I could ponder on that miniscule moment, I heard a voice awaken me to reality.
‘’So you must be wiL. Am I right young man?’’ Mr. Way asked me. He was a man of an average build with grey hair and grey stubble and piercing green eyes. Gerard had his pert, button nose.
‘’Yes I am, sir.’’ I replied formally. He gave me a gleaming smile that caused the lines etched around his eyes crinkle.
‘’Please, call me Don. Nice to meet you wiL.’’ He stuck his hand out for me to shake. I took it and prayed my hand wasn’t all sweaty.
‘’Nice to meet you too.’’ After we shook hands he released my grip and looked over at Gerard and Mikey.
‘’How are you boys doing? School okay?’’ After those words left Don’s mouth, Mikey opened his and told us about some girl called Lydia which I lost track of after the first sentence. Elena and Don were muttering the occasional ‘um’ and ‘uhuh’ and ‘really?’ but Gerard remained silent. He was moving the last strand of spaghetti around his plate mindlessly, not in the conversation at all though it was Mikey and him that were asked the question. I then remembered the conversation me and Donna had earlier.
''Since he’s started high school, she’s been…how do I put it…worried about Gerard. Since high school, he’s always been quiet about his school life.''
‘’So Gee, how was your day?’’ Don suddenly asked Gerard. Gerard looked up with a bored expression and shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly.
‘’It was okay.’’ And then he went back to pushing the strand of spaghetti round his plate. Mikey sighed and I looked over at Don who started eating his Bolognese, unsurprised by the whole matter. I then glanced at Elena. She had a defeated expression on her face as she looked at Gerard helplessly.
‘’He’s always been extremely close to Elena and loves her dearly. When Gerard was in middle school, Elena would always be round when he and Mikey got home from school. Each day, he would sit on the coach snuggled up to Elena as he excitedly told her about what happened each day at school. It was like a routine between them…But nowadays, when Elena ever asks him about school he just uses answers in monosymbals each time.’’
The atmosphere then became awkward and silent. It felt unnatural for it to be that way. But Donna managed to break it by coming in with a homemade Baked Alaska. Everyone instantly perked up at the sight.
‘’Desert is served.’’
You ever loved someone so much that you’d give up your love for them? Well, not really give it up, but just put it aside. Because that’s what I’ve decided to do with my love for Gerard. To put it aside. Because I’ve realized that I’d rather have him in my life and be just his friend, than act like some psycho obsessed freak that would take any opportunity to jump his bones and eventually not have him at all. You see, he means that much to me that I’m willing to do anything to just have him in my life somehow.
It wasn’t just what happened earlier down in his room that changed my mind. Though that was the build-up to it. It’s just seeing him this evening with his family. Being silly with Mikey. Hugging his grandma Elena. Helping his mom clean up the washing. Talking to his dad. Watching him communicate with his family gave me a rush of a different love that overpowered any other feeling I’ve ever felt. Friendship. The glowing, sparkling friendship connection I’ve never had with anyone. And it felt even better than the desirable, passionate love I feel for him. And it was because he felt it too. We shared this love. And I know he felt it because of the way he laughed when I told him about the time I saw the Misfits and got trampled in the circle pit. And the way he opened up to me about the time he accidentally gave Mikey an overdose on pain killers when he was a kid and Mikey had to have his stomach pumped and nearly died. And the way he looked at me excitedly when we talked about Iron Maiden’s new artwork for their latest album. And the way he comforted me when I told him about my dad walking out on us and how I’m not close to my mom anymore. Though I didn’t tell him, of course. For that hour between us, we were practically best friends. And for that hour, I wanted it to end forever. And then I realized it could, if I was willing to just be friends. And after a long debate in my head going over all the pros and the cons, the pros eventually won. So from now on, I’m going to be William the Friend. Let’s see if I can stick to it.
By about 10 p.m, it was time for me to get my ass home. Disappointment and depression ate away at the depths of my stomach, making me feel nauseous. Tonight was finally over and I was going to have to go back to my usual, hideous house. And life. I was going to leave the Way family and go back to mine. Who was my family? And that’s when I realized I didn’t even have one. I am quite literally my own family. The William family. How pathetic. And then I remembered that there was always Gerard. He was my friend now, right? At least he was there. Maybe not my family, but he’s still there. And hopefully will be for the long run if I don’t screw it up.
I shook hands with Don, making sure to wipe my hands on my trousers beforehand. I hugged Donna goodbye as she thanked me for coming over and hoped to see me again. I agreed and mentally wished she had meant what she said. And then I walked over to Elena and gave her a long hug. I breathed in her honey scent and kissed her powdery cheek. She held me by the arms and held my gaze with her piercing hazel eyes and spoke a few words to me.
‘’Be friends with Gerard and make him happy?’’
She said it as a question though; not sure if I’d want to take up her request. I decided I’d do all it takes to keep to my word. For Elena.
‘’I will. I promise.’’
Mikey and Gerard then walked me to the door. Once we got there, Mikey gave me a grin and hit me on the back.
‘’You did well, man. I think Elena really likes you. Like, really likes you. She's always been easy with my friends, but not that easy. She acted as if she’d known you for ages. I bet it’s because she prefers Gee.’’ Mikey didn’t say the last bit in a jealous way, he said it in a casual way. As if he’s okay with the whole thing.
‘’She doesn’t prefer me. We’ve just always been close, that’s all. She loves us equally Mikey, don’t ever think that.’’ Gerard retorted softly. Mikey rolled his eyes and smiled.
‘’God Gee, no need to get all dramatic and defensive. I didn’t mean it like that. I was jo-king. Har har. Knock knock, who’s there? That kinda thing. Jeez, take a joke bro.’’ Mikey looked at me as if to say ‘fucking idiot’. I smirked.
‘’Anyways, I’ll see you tomorrow wiL. Hope you had fun and shit.’’ After he went back into the living room, it was just me and Gerard. He shifted from one foot to the other. It reminded me of the day we found out we were project partners and he came over to my desk scared shitless. But now that I’d had the burden of my crazed love for him out of the picture, I felt more comfortable.
‘’Thanks Gerard. Today was…really great, I had a blast. You have an awesome family’’, then there was a short pause, ‘’You’re really lucky, you know that?’’ Gerard looked up at me and smiled and then nodded.
‘’Yeah, I know. I’m…I’m sorry about your family wiL. Really, that’s gotta suck hard.’’ The ‘suck’ expression he had just used in his serious speech brought the heat to my cheeks and made me giggle. He really shouldn’t try and be serious; it just comes out wrong. When he realized what he had said, and how it could have been taken, he became all flustered and started stuttering. And yeah, I have to admit, it was really cute.
‘’No! What I mean…I-I meant that…Not, you know, that! Just it’s gotta suck.’’, when he said that I started laughing again, ‘’No! God, it just-it just must not be a pleasant thing. Yeah, that’s what I meant.’’ He finally caught his breath; his cheeks red from the frustration and lack of oxygen.
‘’Okay, okay, I’ll stop laughing now. But that was some funny shit.’’, he rolled his eyes at me, ‘’Anyways, thanks for this evening and I’ll see you tomorrow.’’ I gave him a pat on the back like Mikey had done to me. That’s a friendly gesture right? I think I’m catching on well with this shit. Gerard looked at me weirdly after that and then opened the door for me. He eventually smiled which, unfortunately, sent goose bumps up and down my arms. I really need to not let him have this effect on me.
‘’Yeah I’ll see you tomorrow. Erm, can I meet you outside the school gates? Like we did today?’’ He asked. I gave him a nod and pulled my hood up and turned to the road.
‘’Cool, see you tomorrow. I had fun tonight.’’ He whispered the last bit and I’m not sure if he knew I heard. But I did. And it made my night.
Wow…it’s been ages since I last updated this story. A month? Maybe two? Basically just a really fucking long time. But this chapter was super long so I hope it made up for me being AWOL. I just haven’t really been motivated to write this story if I’m being honest. I have to admit, the last chapter was a bit cliché, but it was meant to be. Well, it looked like it was going to be cliché with wiL and Gerard close to kissing. But they didn’t, did they? So it kind of makes it a little less cliché. I think. I’m going to stop saying the word ‘cliché’ now. Anyways, did you like the way it turned out? Did you not? Whose your favourite? You still even reading it? So many things you could tell me if you review. I love reviews like a fat kid loves McDonalds. And that’s a lot. So please review? Thank you! xox.