Patrick and Josh both cackled like demons as they quickly ducked a set of flying high heeled shoes.
“That does it, I’m taking the Hillary Clinton route,” Robin griped.
This comment was stated loudly from her bedroom, where both she and Tina were stepping out of their skirts and pulling on a pair of ragged blue jeans.
“Don’t tell me you’re becoming a lesbian! I don’t want to get a sex change!”
The redhead quickly pulled on a t-shirt before leaning around the corner to glare at Josh.
“She’s not a lesbian, for one, and for two, I meant I was going to start living in pantsuits while I was on duty, you jerk,” she snapped.
“I may be a jerk, but I’m your jerk!” he retorted.
“Why do I get the feeling we’re going to get, for lack of a better term, peppered, with lame and cheesy pickup lines?” Tina asked, tying her sneakers.
“Because they’re two very hot, very single, and very horny musicians/pro-wrestlers, who now happen to share an apartment—and come to think of it, probably a bed—with us.”
“…Yeah, we’re definitely going to have to lay down some ground rules,” the brunette sighed.
“Good point, we’d better go get that over with. And y’know, make them pick which one of us they’re going to be sharing a bedroom with,” Robin agreed.
The two walked into their living room just in time to see Patrick and Josh stand up, arms crossed.
“Alright ladies, we need to lay down some ground rules. First off, just for the fact that Josh and I have been best friends for many years, it’d be really nice if you would each pick one of us to mack on and stick to it—mostly because we’d just rather not let a couple of pretty faces come in between our heterosexual life partnership,” Patrick stated.
“Actually, we were thinking the same thing! So, since we only have two bedrooms, you’re going to have to settle between yourselves which one of us you want to room with. Also, we’d like to make something perfectly clear, until this case is closed, our relationship with you has to be completely celibate, because we could lose our jobs,” Tina replied, smirking.
“Also, as you can see, this place is pretty…umm…cozy. I don’t want to say cramped because that implies it’s uncomfortably small. That being said, however, we’re asking you to keep your belongings to just the essentials, clothing, toiletries, shoes, etc, because we have to have room for our stuff. There are two bathrooms, and as far as Teej and I go, I think we can agree to share one, and let you two have the other. You will be responsible for cleaning it, and you will be responsible for half the groceries. As for travel arrangements, the department is paying the tab for us to travel with you and keep your asses out of trouble, which means we have to go as cheaply as possible,” Robin added.
“Well, the essentials bit shouldn’t be too hard, we stay packed most of the time, and our video game systems really don’t take up that much room,” Josh shrugged.
“We do, however, go through a lot of food, and we are going to need a place to keep our stuff until we either get this mess sorted out, or until we can con you into moving into a bigger apartment with us. So this can only mean one thing,” Patrick smirked.
“Time to go shopping.”
“Alright, I’ll take Patrick and start doing food shopping, you take Josh and start getting everything else on the list,” Tina sighed.
“Okay. No whipped cream or chocolate syrup,” Robin stated
“No condoms, no lube, no lotion,” the brunette added.
“Just take all the fun out of life, why don’t you?!” Patrick exclaimed, before pouting childishly.
“I don’t know about him, but I like to ride bareback,” Josh smirked, slinging an arm around the redhead and hugging her close.
“You wish, Harter. Come on, we’ve got shopping to do,” she retorted, not making any moves to shrug off his arm.
“Which leaves you and I to start picking out food,” Tina grinned.
She and Patrick began to peruse through the grocery section of the local Walmart, each of them tossing items into the buggy in silence for a few moments.
“Say, do I know you?”
Patrick cleared his throat as he said this, his eyes fixed on the back of Tina’s head. With a small smile, she replied, not even bothering to turn around.
“That’s a shame, I’d really like to,”
“That is probably the cheesiest line I’ve heard in years,” Tina giggled.
“Oh, is that so? Gimme a few minutes to get warmed up, then! Speaking of warming, my hands are cold, can I warm them under your heaving breasts?”
“Not a chance, Martin.”
“Hey baby, I’m a wrestler, let me take you down.”
“Now you’re just bragging.”
“Can’t help myself! I miss my teddy bear, can I sleep with you?”
“I’m not as cuddly as a teddy bear, so I doubt you’d enjoy yourself,” Tina retorted, tossing some bacon into the cart.
“Are you a goddess?”
“Then why do I feel the need to kneel before you?”
“Because you’re shameless, that’s why,”
The brunette punctuated her statement with an eye roll.
“I have an owie on my lip, will you kiss it and make it better?”
By now they were on the baking aisle, and Tina was trying to make a break for it before her face went so red that it looked purple.
“Hey, can you pull this heart shaped arrow out of my ass? A damn little kid with wings shot me!”
Tina sighed heavily, slapping the palm of her hand to her forehead, and allowing to drag down slowly. Seconds later, Patrick’s hands were on her shoulders, gently massaging them.
She shrugged him off, giggling.
“Stop it, my shoulders are ticklish!”
“Oh, those are shoulders? I thought they were wings.”
Meanwhile, across the store, Robin had just been forced to drag Josh away from the condoms.
“Celibate relationships, remember? I’m kinda in love with my job, and I’d like to keep it,” she stated.
“Well, if I were in your shoes, I think I’d rather be in love with me,” he retorted.
“Okay, that was lame even for you.”
“Hello, I’m a thief and I’m here to steal your heart.”
Despite her best efforts, the redhead couldn’t help giggling a bit at that.
“Alright, I admit it, that one was a little bit better…” she trailed off as they approached stationary, making a beeline for the pens and notebooks.
“I like a fresh notebook for each case, just so I don’t get my details mixed up,” she explained.
“Don’t worry about it. Nothing you’ve ever done before counts. The only thing that matters is that we’re together,” Josh retorted, smirking.
“You’re going to turn this entire conversation back to a cheesy pickup line, aren’t you?”
“Do you remember Crayola crayons?”
“Um, yeah, they’re right there,” Robin sighed, nodding to the crayons.
“Well, they used to have this color called blizzard blue. It was my favorite color forever, and I didn’t know why, but I just realized, your eyes…blizzard blue,” he smirked, leaning in close to stare into said eyes.
Just as his lips were about to touch hers, she put a hand on his chest to halt him.
“That’s really sweet, but my eyes are more of a forest green, thanks.”
He cursed silently as she tossed two notebooks and a set of sharpie pens into the cart. They made their way past jewelry and through electronics in silence, until the cart was turned towards automotive.
“Can I ask you one single, impulsive question?” Josh inquired.
Robin turned, raising an eyebrow at the blonde in curiosity.
“…Yeah, sure, shoot.”
“Are you in love at the present moment? I’m not the type of person to impede on another person’s happiness, but if the answer is no, I’d like to continue with my rhapsody,” he continued.
“That’s great. Has anyone ever told you that you glide?”
The redhead’s shoulders were shaking with laughter as she continued through the store towards sporting goods.
“It’s a very special quality, every other girl in this place merely plods along, but you glide. Girls who glide need guys who make them thump.”
“Thump? What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“Yeah, thump. You think about him, you can’t eat, you can’t sleep, you watch the phone waiting for it to ring. Girls who glide need guys who make them thump. I can make you thump.”
“My, aren’t we the confident one?”
“Hey! You two done?”
Tina waved at her best friend with enthusiasm, her face now a nice shade of plum purple.
“Looks like I’m not the only one whose been trying to work their magic!” Josh laughed.
“Yeah, we’re done, and you need to get out of here before you have a heart attack!”
“Why would I have a heart attack?”
“Because your face is purple!”