Categories > Books > Harry Potter > Decisions1 Reviews
HG/SS Based on Marriage Law Challenge
(#) ZeeDrippyVessel 2006-05-10 09:20:57 PMI do not know where to begin.
The problem with Marriage Law fics are they are plentiful, numerous, and carbon copies of each other, so one really has to bend over backwards to make one stand out.
1. You desperately need a grammar beta. Incorrect punctuation and random capitalizations really stop the eye in the reading of the story.
2. You need to flesh things out more. Rather than chapters, these are more like connected drabbles. You touch on an idea and don't fill it in. It leaves the reader grasping for straws.
3. The action is spastic, happens too fast. It causes the characters to be desperately out of character. Severus is too wimpy, when it comes to his father, and much to willing to fall in love with Hermione. Hermione is too quick to sign the contract to marry Severus. I think she is too nice to his father, after the man insulted her. It is too pat. I would like to see more spice, more problem - dealing. Why did she accept Severus' proposal so fast? I would have liked to have seen more of the conversation between her and Severus' father. I would like to see more interaction with her parents. It felt like.. oh, I have to get married, love you, bye. If it were my daughter, I would be screeching!
4. I would like to see more 'scene painting.' By this, I mean to fill out the background action more. I hate reading 'yada yada yada' he said. Then she screeched 'yada yada yada yada.' It is more interesting, if rather saying she said it, tell us what they were doing WHILE they said it. For example: "Your son might have the Dark Mark on his arm," Hermione picked up the glass of wine placed on the table in front of her and toyed with the stem, "but he isn't in his heart." She kept her eyes lowered, as if hunting for the right words. "He is a hero, a self-less Wizard, and you should be proud of him."
In short, this is too much, too fast and just way too much happening in such a short amount of time.
Please don't consider this a flame. I just hate to see interesting ideas fall by the wayside and get buried in the rest of the muckity muck.