Categories > Books > Harry Potter

Delusions of Granger

by xelan 5 reviews

Ron is absolutely, without a doubt, completely and utterly certain Hermione is madly in love with him. So much so that he prematurely makes a rash announcement. Hermione begs to differ. Light to mo...

Category: Harry Potter - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Humor - Characters: Harry,Hermione - Warnings: [!!] - Published: 2010-09-16 - Updated: 2010-09-16 - 2392 words - Complete

Delusions of Granger
by Xelan (devote Harmonian)

A/N: I find myself liking Ron Weasley less and less as time goes by. I cannot
recall who it was but another fic author commented that he/she wished Jo had
killed off Ron. I find myself slowly warming to that idea, but that's just my

Takes place in a fictional 7th year with DH never taking place. Non canon
compliant. Mild to moderate Ron bashing ahead. Harmonious ending. I also take a
few potshots at Jo. Thanks to Seel'vor and Disney for some ideas I borrowed.

I reference some of Half-Blood Prince, though I generally dislike the last two
books as well as parts of OoTP and I refuse to acknowledge the existence
of The Epilogue.

Dislaimer: I own nothing. All recognizable characters are owned by their respective owners.


"Alright! Everyone listen up!"

Ron marched into the center of the great hall pulling an irate Hermione Granger
behind him.

Once he stopped and released her hand Hermione yanked it back as if burned and
glaring darkly at him, she hissed "Don't you EVER do that again!" To emphasize
her point, she smacked him hard on the shoulder.

Looking chagrined, Ron addressed the entire school .

"Right, you lot. I know you've heard rumors that I'm dating Hermione and those
other rumors that Harry..." Ron flicked his eyes to the newly arrived Harry
Potter who had just run into the Great Hall.

"And the rumors that Harry and Hermione are dating. Well, I just wanted to put
those rumors to rest once and for all." Ron grinned, as the audience seemed to
be hanging on his every word.

"So the facts of the matter are that Hermione kissed me during the Battle of

Hermione cut in, "You prat! I only meant to kiss you on the cheek for helping
Harry, but NO, you had to turn your head at exactly the wrong time."

"And she went with me and only me to Hogsmeade in 3rd year..."

Hermione rolled her eyes and snarked, "It wasn't a date. Harry COULDN'T go and
no one else in the school was interested in hanging around with a know-it-all
like me. I was bored and just trying to be a good friend."

"We've been having lovers' quarrels since first year; builds up the sexual
tension don't ya know? And her cheeks always get flushed when we're together..."

Hermione mouth dropped open slightly and a look of disgust graced her face.
"Lovers' quarrels?! What in the name of Merlin and Morganna, are you talking
about?! We've been ARGUING since first year. You know, 'fighting' where two
people do not get along, as in frustration and annoyance. And the reason my
cheeks get red is because of anger, not because of some embarrassed school girl

The vehemence in her voice caused everyone to take a step back - everyone except
Harry and Ron. Harry because he was standing behind Hermione with both hands on
her shoulders trying to calm her down and Ron because he was Ron and naturally
oblivious to most things that didn't concern food or quidditch.

"She's always helping me with my homework..."

Hermione looked around incredulously. "I help everyone with their homework! I
have low self-esteem, all right? It makes me feel needed, useful, and
appreciated when I help people succeed..."

Harry whispered into her ear and Hermione blushed.

"Yes, well, from most people a simple thanks is enough", she stammered lamely.

"She got oh so very jealous when I was dating Lavender..."

Hermione snorted in a very unladylike manner. "As we've just completed our
education here at Hogwarts, I have no compunction whatsoever with admitting that
Yes I was jealous, but I wasn't jealous that she was dating you. No, I was
jealous that you were dating her. When you're fourteen, it isn't that uncommon
for one girl to fancy another girl. And don't give me those dirty looks - Yes, I
mean you Tracy and Daphne and you Parvati and Lavender."

She shook her head wearily and rolled her eyes once more. "I don't know what I
ever saw in her."

Eyebrows rose throughout the hall and Harry looked at Hermione in an askance

She patted his hand lightly and shook her head. Harry then grinned at her and
smiled as rakishly as his messy hair would allow. Hermione smiled back, raised
one eyebrow at him, and finally nodded her head in acknowledgement. Harry's
return smile was brighter than most lumos charms.

"She sought ME out during Dumbledore's funeral to comfort her when she broke
down crying..."

"Hey. I was upset. Ginny was monopolizing Harry and I didn't think it was out of
line to borrow a friend's shoulder to cry on."

Ron was beginning to wrap up his argument, seemingly unaware of Hermione's point
for point rebuttal.

"So you see Hermione is obviously head over heels in love with me." He grinned
proudly and reached out to try to grab her hand to pull her towards him, but
Hermione would have none of it. She dug her heels into the stonework and leaned
back into Harry to hold her ground.

Ron just stepped closer to her. "I would like to take this opportunity to
formally announce Hermione Jean Granger's and my engagement!"

Everyone in the Great Hall looked shocked. It looked as if a sea of heads were
waving back and forth as dozens and dozens of people turned to look at one
another to gauge their reactions.

Finally, as a few nervous people began to feebly clap their hands, Hermione
exploded in rage.

"WHAT!!!!!! How DARE you, Ronald Bilius Weasley!!!!! First of all, my name is
Hermione JANE(sic) Granger. Jean was Umbitch's middle name*. Seven years later and you
still don't even know that much! And another thing, I went on ONE pity date with
you during sixth year when Harry and I were fighting and you jump from that to
engaged just because you think I'm in love with you!?!?!

The crowd minus Harry and Ron stepped back again, having earlier inched closer
to try to hear Harry's sotto commentary.

Ron looked inordinately pleased with himself. "Of course, Herms. Can't you see?
I have just explained that you are deeply in love with me and you are obviously
still just in denial. You might not be aware but it isn't just a river in
Egypt," he said sagely.

Hermione turned partway around and looked up over her shoulder at Harry. The
look of disbelief shown clearly on her face as she gestured toward Ron with her

Harry just shrugged.

"Harry! Good to see you, mate. I was just explaining to everyone that it's utter
rubbish that you and Hermione are dating and announcing Hermione's and my
engagement." Suddenly, Ron cocked an eyebrow and cast quick glances across the
room. He leaned closer to Harry and in a manner that he hoped approximated
shrewd meanwhile completely ignoring Hermione was stood just a half step away-
he confided, "I know she loves me, but I think she's still a little confused
over her feelings. You know how daft girls are at anything practical."

Harry said nothing and Ron took that as encouragement to continue.

It'll be great. After a hard day with the Cannons, I'll come home to my bushy
haired little homemaker. She'll be by the stove cooking my supper while the
little ones play on the floor with the dogs. We'll have nine or ten.

Raising an eyebrow and wondering whether Ron had actually seen that
particular film, Harry decided to ask the requisite question. "Dogs?"

In good-natured annoyance Ron returned, "No, Harry. Strapping boys, like me!
Gotta surpass Dad after all." Harry kept a calming grip on Hermione's
shoulders. Ron blithely continued, "But as I was saying, I think SOME people
still have doubts about me and Herms. Now I know you've never tried to encourage
them, but I reckon these poor delusional people are the cause of Hermione's

Harry slowly started to gently move Hermione behind him to prevent her hexing
Ron into goo. It was important to know exactly what Ron had in mind first before
any action was taken.

"So I asked myself, being the strategy genius I am, how can I force Hermione to
leave all her doubts about us behind so we can christen our engagement with a
final romp in a broom closet before we leave Hogwarts for the last time? It had
to be something bold, something quick, something only someone as brilliant as me
could come up with. Finally, it hit and Hermione have to kiss!"

Harry's grin returned and he could feel Hermione's arms slipping under his own
and wrapping snuggly around him.

Ron nodded to himself and crossed his arms in what he considered a manly and
self-assured pose. "It’s pure genius, Harry. If you two kiss with everyone
watching, then everyone will see how uncomfortable the two of you are. It will
finally convince everyone that you've got a brother-sister completely platonic
relationship. I know how gross it feels having to kiss your sister, but I would
really appreciate it if you do this favor for me. Best buds and all that."

"Brilliant!" responded Harry and Hermione at the same time. They turned to one
another and Harry tenderly caressed Hermione's cheek. "If it's alright with you,

She closed her eyes and a gentle, contented smile graced her lips. She tilted
her head up ever so slightly and huskily said, "Absolutely all right, Harry".

The kiss started gently with only a peck to the lips, but as soon as it ended,
it appeared they had thought better of it and lunged at each other once more.
Harry embraced Hermione as if she was the most precious person in the world
and Hermione's arms seemingly flew around his neck. Their lips crashed together,
with hunger and longing.

The men in the room tugged at their collars as they witnessed the passionate
snogging session.

Harry broke the death grip like kiss for just a moment as he repositioned
himself. Hermione licked her upper lip in a seductive manner and leaned forward
quickly to capture the lips of the Man Who Conquered.

The women in the room were fanning themselves as the gazed enviously at the
Witch Who Was With Him. Even Tracy and Daphne felt flushed and they didn't even
like boys.

All the while, Ron had been staring out at the crowd with his back turned to his
two best friends. He was confident his plan would work and then he could finally
work on kiss number two with his new fiancée.

Five minutes later, the crowd was still staring behind him with rapt attention.
Ron was understandably confused. 'It shouldn't take this long' for them to
realize they love each other like siblings', the redheaded ponce thought. He
glanced behind him and saw, to his shock, his best friend and his future wife
feverishly trying to tickle each other's tonsils with their tongues. He rushed
towards them and with great effort pulled them apart.

Chuckling nervously, Ron turned to Harry. "Phew. Thanks there, Harry. You really
hung in there. I know it must have been sickening, but you don't have to go so
far just because your best mate asked you to. If you need to sit down or feel
like puking I can conjure you a bucket. Nothings too good for you since you're
helping finally bring Herms to her senses.

Hermione bristled at that last comment, and then suddenly looked quizzical until
she finally nodded in satisfaction. She looked pointedly at Harry. "Now, Harry."

Completely ignoring Ron, Harry looked wide-eyed at Hermione. "Now? You mean it?"

With misty eyes, Hermione nodded again. "Yes, I don't want to wait anymore."

Harry let out a whoop of triumph and gathered Hermione into his arms. They both
fished engagement rings suspended on gold necklaces from under their robes. Each
putting one on, Harry looked out to the crowd. "I'm finally getting married," he

Looks of shock rapidly spread through the hall.

Hermione took a pitying glance at the confused redhead. "Ron, you can't
seriously have thought I would willingly become Hermione Jane Weasley, did you? I
mean honestly Ron. If you thought that sounded pleasant then I have no doubt
you'd have named your first "Strapping boy" Hugo Weasley or something equally silly.

Harry grinned at HIS fiancée and murmured to his beautiful, sexy, bookworm.
"Hermione Weasley is about as likely as me naming a son of mine Albus Severus
Potter. Can you imagine the ridicule a son of Harry Potter would face with his
initials being the name of a snake?"

At that, Hermione began to laugh and she attempted to muffle her laughter in the
warm embrace of her now publicly known fiancé.

Harry smiled lovingly down at her bushy hair and spoke the magic words while
clutching her tightly. "Gretna Green!"

The portkey that was his gold necklace activated and yanked Harry James Potter
and Hermione Jane Granger (soon to be Potter) out of the Great Hall.

Ron was speechless for a moment. It occurred to him that perhaps, just possibly,
he had been mistaken about which rumors were true and which rumors were false.
Not wrong per say, but not quite right either.

He looked out at the crowd of people and spotted Luna "Loony" Lovegood walking
past him on her way out of the hall. He grabbed her arm and turned back to the crowd,
oblivious to the glare she sent him.

"Alright! Everyone listen up..."

Neville sighed. Now it was his turn.


A/N I do intend to write that prequel and time skip sequel to What Changed. My muse;
however, demanded this get written before those two are finished.

*Yes, I know Jo wrote the middle names the other way around but any intelligent Hermione I write is going to be Jane and doesn't Delores Jean just sound better?

omake: (This was the original Portkey friendly ending I wrote. Brian64 wrote
the new ending, except for the Neville bit that I added)

He looked out at the crowd of people and spotted Luna "Looney" Lovegood, strangely enough,
standing right next to him. He grabbed her arm.

"Alright! Everyone listen up..."
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