Categories > Original > Humor > The Book of Hondo
After wandering for many days, Pippin the Bastard didst come upon a suitable place to meditate.
But no sooner did he set himself down than a crazy old woman didst come upon him, asking, ‘Pardon me, but hast thou any Grey Poupon?’
‘But of course,’ quoth Pippin, and he didst give unto her his last bottle of Grey Poupon.
Seeing that this place wouldst offer him no peace, he set out to find another place to meditate.
As he went, he came upon a man with a video camera observing something off on yonder hillside.
‘…And here we see the Man-Eating Mop with its bucket,’ quoth the man with the camera. ‘This is an extremely dangerous creature to get close to, so we must stay back. The mating habits of the Mop art—’
But then a man, wearing no more clothing than Pippin, didst jump in and savagely kill the Mop, taking its bucket as a trophy.
‘Hey! What the hell art thou doing?’ cried the wildlife documentarist. ‘I was filming that Mop!’
But the man didst not reply, and simply walked away with the bucket.
And Pippin, having neither pants nor anything better to do at the time, didst follow after the man.
‘Who art thou?’ Pippin didst ask.
‘I am Othwoggi,’ quoth the man, whose name was Othwoggi. ‘And thou art?’
‘I am Pippin the Bastard,’ quoth Pippin. ‘Tell me, where art thou going, Othwoggi? And what of the bucket?’
‘Follow me and thou shalt see,’ quoth Othwoggi. ‘By the way, Pippin the Bastard, hast thou a digital watch?’
‘But of course,’ Pippin didst reply.
‘Wouldst thou let me have it?’
‘Sure. Why not.’
And Pippin didst give Othwoggi his digital watch and didst follow him to his village, where he was greeted by people who all didst share the name Othwoggi.
‘What hast thou found, Othwoggi?’ asked Othwoggi.
‘A bucket and a digital watch, Othwoggi,’ answered Othwoggi. ‘’Tis exactly what we need! We shall take it unto the Great Othwog!’
And there was much rejoicing.
And so they didst take these things to the Great Othwog (props lvk), who dwelt in a giant metal hut in the middle of the village.
‘Great Othwog,’ quoth Othwoggi, ‘we have found for thee the last of the things which thou hast told us to find.’
‘Excellent…’ spake the Great Othwog, who was a big green slime creature from outer space. ‘Now I shall be able to leave this pathetic mudball. It took thee long enough!’
And so the Great Othwog didst cram the digital watch inside of a control panel. Then did he hold the bucket over his head triumphantly.
‘At last! For five hundred years was I thy god, waiting for these stupid monkeys to invent digital watches!’ And the Great Othwog didst place the bucket on his head. ‘Now I shall be the god of all! I shall make this whole planet suffer!’
And so the Great Othwog didst take off in his newly repaired starship.
But the Great Othwog’s ship was not as well repaired as he had thought, and he didst crash into a Britney Spears and N-Sync concert in a fiery explosion, killing both groups.
And there was much rejoicing.
And so Pippin the Bastard came forth out of the wilderness and didst join the NRA.
But no sooner did he set himself down than a crazy old woman didst come upon him, asking, ‘Pardon me, but hast thou any Grey Poupon?’
‘But of course,’ quoth Pippin, and he didst give unto her his last bottle of Grey Poupon.
Seeing that this place wouldst offer him no peace, he set out to find another place to meditate.
As he went, he came upon a man with a video camera observing something off on yonder hillside.
‘…And here we see the Man-Eating Mop with its bucket,’ quoth the man with the camera. ‘This is an extremely dangerous creature to get close to, so we must stay back. The mating habits of the Mop art—’
But then a man, wearing no more clothing than Pippin, didst jump in and savagely kill the Mop, taking its bucket as a trophy.
‘Hey! What the hell art thou doing?’ cried the wildlife documentarist. ‘I was filming that Mop!’
But the man didst not reply, and simply walked away with the bucket.
And Pippin, having neither pants nor anything better to do at the time, didst follow after the man.
‘Who art thou?’ Pippin didst ask.
‘I am Othwoggi,’ quoth the man, whose name was Othwoggi. ‘And thou art?’
‘I am Pippin the Bastard,’ quoth Pippin. ‘Tell me, where art thou going, Othwoggi? And what of the bucket?’
‘Follow me and thou shalt see,’ quoth Othwoggi. ‘By the way, Pippin the Bastard, hast thou a digital watch?’
‘But of course,’ Pippin didst reply.
‘Wouldst thou let me have it?’
‘Sure. Why not.’
And Pippin didst give Othwoggi his digital watch and didst follow him to his village, where he was greeted by people who all didst share the name Othwoggi.
‘What hast thou found, Othwoggi?’ asked Othwoggi.
‘A bucket and a digital watch, Othwoggi,’ answered Othwoggi. ‘’Tis exactly what we need! We shall take it unto the Great Othwog!’
And there was much rejoicing.
And so they didst take these things to the Great Othwog (props lvk), who dwelt in a giant metal hut in the middle of the village.
‘Great Othwog,’ quoth Othwoggi, ‘we have found for thee the last of the things which thou hast told us to find.’
‘Excellent…’ spake the Great Othwog, who was a big green slime creature from outer space. ‘Now I shall be able to leave this pathetic mudball. It took thee long enough!’
And so the Great Othwog didst cram the digital watch inside of a control panel. Then did he hold the bucket over his head triumphantly.
‘At last! For five hundred years was I thy god, waiting for these stupid monkeys to invent digital watches!’ And the Great Othwog didst place the bucket on his head. ‘Now I shall be the god of all! I shall make this whole planet suffer!’
And so the Great Othwog didst take off in his newly repaired starship.
But the Great Othwog’s ship was not as well repaired as he had thought, and he didst crash into a Britney Spears and N-Sync concert in a fiery explosion, killing both groups.
And there was much rejoicing.
And so Pippin the Bastard came forth out of the wilderness and didst join the NRA.
Sign up to rate and review this story