Dirty Uncle Orty
The unknown man begat Jehu. And Jehu begat Ethba’al the Original Prankster. And Ethba’al the Original Prankster begat Ahab. And Ahab begat Pharpar the Soup Nazi. And Pharpar the Soup Nazi begat Segub. And Segub begat Mini-Me. And Mini-Me begat Ba’asha. And Ba’asha begat Obadiah. And Obadiah begat Bob the Crazy Windmill Guy.
And Bob the Crazy Windmill Guy begat Gibbethon. And Gibbethon begat Tibni the Pimp. And Tibni the Pimp begat Shemer. And Shemer begat Ramoth-gilead the Democrat. And Ramoth-gilead the Democrat begat Hazael. And Hazael begat The Man Who Invented Those Little Nose Dealies on People’s Glasses.
And The Man Who Invented Those Little Nose Dealies on People’s Glasses begat Nimshi. And Nimshi begat Captain Crack-Head. And Captain Crack-Head begat Hiel. And Hiel begat Blue-Balls the Pirate. And Blue-Balls the Pirate begat Lud, who married his sister and didst begin the Luddites, or Hicks, as they wouldst come to be called.
But Hiel’s other son, Chireth, begat Wonko the Sane. And Wonko the Sane begat Samaria. And Samaria begat the Reverend Jimmy. And the Reverend Jimmy begat Zar’ephath. And Zar’ ephath begat Zidon. And Zidon begat the Boy Who Wouldn’t Die. And the Boy Who Wouldn’t Die begat Horeb. And Horeb begat Beersheba. And Beersheba begat Michael Ortman.
One day, Ortman went unto the Library to find a book on Pseudo-Judo, when he came upon five men, a woman, and a Faerie Riverdancing with great zeal.
The tall one didst run to the restroom as fast as he could, shouting, ‘I’ve gotta-gotta-gotta go!’
The greenhouse effect didst put an end to the idea of lush jungle vegetation on the planet. Instead, astronomers didst picture Venus as a world of endless deserts, sweltering hot and without life. Others didst suggest the planet might be completely covered by an immense ocean with the possibility of a rich variety of marine life in its depths.
The first unmanned space probe to visit the planet didst put an end to all speculations. Far from being Earth’s twin, a landing on Venus wouldst be like unto a descent into Hell.
On Venus the atmosphere is so dense that rays of light couldst be bent by more than 90 degrees, or 50 parsecs, or 2000 milligrams. If this didst happen, an observer on Venus couldst theoretically see the entire surface of the planet rising up around him like the walls of huge circular cliffs.
And the God of Humor didst appear before them out of a temperamental taco, proclaiming: ‘I am come to make an announcement. As we, the Gods of Hondo, were bored, we didst decide that I, Derrick, shall now also be the God of Odnoh.’
‘Odnoh?’ intoned Scoot.
‘Why, yes,’ spake the God of Odnoh, ‘ ’Tis the word Hondo spelled backwards. We have also decided that Jennifer shall now be the High Priestess of Odnoh.’
‘Just stay away from her stash!’ quoth Brian Fritz.
Then the God of Odnoh said unto Ortman: ‘Michael Ortman, thou hast been chosen. If thou doeth handstands upon the table of this Library, thou shalt be made the High Demon of Odnoh.’
And Ortman didst do handstands upon the table of the Library, and didst greatly upset the librarian.
‘Get thee the fuck off the table, thou little pecker!’ quoth she.
‘Way to go!’ spake the God of Orange Juice Drinking. ‘Now thou art the High Demon of Odnoh! No longer shalt thou be called Michael Ortman. From henceforth, thy name shalt be Dirty Uncle Orty.’
And so the God of Odnoh didst vanish from among them.
And in the Hour of Scampering, Scoot the Ko’An didst decide to stand on a table and make a speech.