The Book of 2nd Dudes
(New and Improved! Now featureth random excerpts from arcane texts!
2nd Dudes was brought to thee by Men. Men: doing things the hard way since 1862.)
In the Disputed Zone, there lived a man who was long forgotten. And these art the descendents of the long-forgotten man:
The long-forgotten man begat Mizpeh. And Mizpeh begat the Man Who Invented the Horse. And the Man Who Invented the Horse begat Dilean the Fun Lovin’ Criminal. And Dilean the Fun Lovin’ Criminal begat Captain Mustache.
And Captain Mustache begat Zenan. And Zenan begat Jokthael. And Jokthael begat Jiphtah the Poser. And Jiphtah the Poser begat Nezib. And Nezib begat the Man Who Invented the Swedish Penis Enlarger. And the Man Who Invented the Swedish Penis Enlarger begat Kirjathje-arim. And Kirjathje-arim begat Ramah. And Ramah begat Bill Gates, which was the end of the line of Mizpeh.
But his best friend Taralah begat Eltolad. And Eltolad begat Dr Running-Late. And Dr Running-Late begat Jephthah. And Jephthah begat Arnon. And Arnon begat Ayatollah Asshollah. And Ayatollah Asshollah begat Elimbelech. And Elimbelech begat The Last of the Big Spenders. And The Last of the Big Spenders begat Tohu. And Tohu begat Ahazi’ah the Nobody. And Ahazi’ah the Nobody begat Zuph. And Zuph begat Vice President Fruitely.
And Vice President Fruitely begat Peninah. And Peninah begat Zadok the Moron. And Zadok the Moron begat Adonijah. And Adonijah begat Abiathar. And Abiathar begat Jeraboam. And Jeraboam begat RJ.
One day RJ was walking down the road, when he came upon four men, one woman, and a Faerie. And they were talking amongst themselves.
‘Thou should have seen the look on that Technomage’s brother’s face when I deflated him!’ laughed the tall one. ‘Thou shrinketh like a sheep!… Where do I come up this stuff?’
‘ ’Twas my idea, asshole!’ quoth the Faerie.
‘Yeah, but I am the one who pulled it off.’
‘Ha!’ quoth the fat one, ‘until thou met me, thou hadst no idea sheep even could shrink!’
‘And how about the way Scoot didst handle that Super Squirrel!’ quoth the tall one.
‘Yeah!’ quoth the woman, ‘Scoot the Ko’An is the Ass-Kickin’ Apostle!’
‘Damn straight!’ quoth the man with the staff.
‘And he’s modest too,’ quoth the stout one. ‘Or the way the Goddess didst defeat the Holo-Demon!’
‘I don’t believe it!’ quoth the small one.
‘How much will it take to make thee believe?’ asked the one with the staff.
‘More than thou—’
‘Excuseth me,’ quoth RJ as he didst approach them, ‘but didst thou say thou’rt Scoot the Ko’An?’
‘Yes I am,’ quoth Scoot, ‘and these art my friends, Pope Casey, Brian Fritz “Pud” Skanky-Bitch, Jennifer the High Priestess of Hondo, and Myles the Unbeliever.’
‘Hey, bitch!’ quoth the Faerie. ‘What about me! I’m getting sick and fucking tired of never being introduced!’
‘Oh,’ quoth Scoot, ‘that’s just Nori the Cursing Faerie. Payeth her no mind.’
‘Go fuck thyself!’
‘We seeketh the Thing with the Stuff,’ quoth Scoot. ‘And thou wouldst be?…’
‘I am RJ,’ quoth RJ. ‘Tell me, may I join thee?’
‘But of course,’ Matt said unto them as he didst appear before them as the Disembodied Head of Colonel Sanders, ‘if thou proveth thyself worthy.’
And the God of Hawai’ian Shirts didst appear before them as a Chain Chomp and said unto him: ‘Kiss our feet and we shall allow thee to join the Dudes.’
And RJ didst kiss the feet of the Gods of Hondo.
‘Thou shalt be the Monk of Hondo,’ spake the God of Death-Penguins, ‘and thou shalt join Scoot and the Dudes in their quest for the Thing with the Stuff.’
‘O thank ye, mighty Gods of Hondo!’ quoth RJ. And he didst bow before them, prostrate at their feet.
‘I liketh the way this man boweth,’ quoth the God of Orange Juice Drinking. ‘Hey, Matt, what sayest thou that we promote this guy?’
‘Aye,’ spake the God of Homemade Bongs. ‘Let us make him the Abbot of Hondo.’
And so the Gods of Hondo didst vanish from their midst.
‘Anyhoo,’ quoth Casey, ‘I said unto that toaster: “Thou son of a bitch! Get thee back in the kitchen and bake me a pie!” ’
‘What the fuck art thou talking about?’ quoth Nori.
And so Scoot didst bonk Casey on the head with his staff.
‘Jeez!’ quoth Casey, ‘What the hell was that for?’
‘Sorry,’ quoth Scoot, ‘ ’tis a Pope thing.’
‘Scoot was afraid thou wert going to pull a Trampus,’ quoth Jennifer.
‘Shut up, squid-girl!’
‘Hey!’ quoth she, ‘For thine information, magnetizing squids is a very noble profession in the Land of Wind and Ghosts.’
‘Children can be so cruel,’ quoth Scoot
‘We can?’ quoth Casey, and he didst push Jennifer.
And she didst push him back.
‘Children! Children!’ quoth Scoot, ‘We must not fight amongst ourselves! We must first organize into teams.’
‘Hey guys!’ quoth Pud, ‘There is a Library ahead!’
‘Good,’ quoth Scoot, ‘this couldst be exactly what we seeketh. Let us go forth and research the Thing with the Stuff.’
And so they didst go unto the Library.