Have you ever watched your own funeral? It somewhat hurts.
I took my place beside Greard, still puzzling over exactly what he meant to me. Surely if he meant so much I should be able to remember? And Mikey too I guess, as well as some other eerily familiar faces, like that guy with the flowing curls and bowed head or hey, that woman in the black veil.
I sat on the church pew and just looked at Gerard, hoping that answer might spring forth in some advertisement of my previous life, or a timeline of our relationship might come out of nowhere. I watched as Gerard his in Mikey's arms and sobbed, regardless of the respectful silence around them. His weeping filled the hall in echoing, raking cries. His vocals just illuminated the place, made it less daunting and nobody dared stop him. the echoes bounced off the high ceiling and the fonts and decorations, only amplifying the beauty of his sad sad tones.
It never occured to me how he loved me, I just assumed he was my greatest friend who was hunched there, bawling and sobbing. I just knew it was part of my unspoken duty to feel love for him back. Compassion, sympathy. Frank meant so much, so technically, being his soul (I assume I'm that) I meant a lot too. Not that he could even see me. Would he be happier if he could, even if I can't quite place my finger on how we know each other? I just really wanted to ease this guys's pain at the time as I observed him, doling out colour into that boy's body as he clung to him.
They looked quite similar and it occured to me they must be related, even brothers maybe. Mikey was definately the younger of the two but still had a protective and caring stance the way he held Gerard. It made sense to assume they were brothers, who else would be so supportive ata such a time? I just knew it, they had to be brothers.
Another boy, that one with the curly hair, tall and almost overbearing, made his way towards Gerard too. He didn't look anthing like the brothers so he must be a friend. He joined Mikey on the end of the pew and patted Gerard's back, shaking his head slowly, sending those curls all over the place. Another one that looked familiar.
His surprisingly high voice constrasted with his figure and sombre expression as he said quiet words along the lines of, "I'm so sorry G... It's such a shame."
Gerard didn't even look up at him and mumbled, "It's okay Ray. It's fine." his shaky voice trembled with every syllable, protesting against the words they made, evident that nothing was okay or fine. Just empty words of acceptance. Gerard, Mikey and Ray. All people I felt I should know, each for slightly different reasons but together they made a little more sense. They were all connected, not just with me but with each other in so many ways. I wish I could just take a look at thier stories ans just who they really were apart from my instincts about them.
A Minister spoke but I let the words pass me by, I was transfixed by Gerard who wept and convulsed, still in Mikey's small but comforting arms. His colour was intriguing compared to the stark contrasting white on black background. It made Gerard look so much more alone and extraordinary.
Mikey and Gerard got up slowly and palbearers closed the rounded lid and started to cart my body off slowly but it was still a little surprising. I took a look back at the church, knowing it from somewhere as I seemed to vaguely know many things and went with the pallbearers carrying the box down the stairs before sliding it into the back my bodies last transport. People piled into black waxed cars outside and I followed the black ebony box into the back of the hearse, seeing it right that I went along with it. After all, it was an important part of who I once was. I looked out the windows, perched on the shiny lid and saw Gerard pretty much fight his way to be in the same car as I was. He sat in the front by the driver and the people in the back simply glared at him, but had to accept who he was to me and let him travel with us to the cemetery.
It was a tiny plot of land, set apart from the rest in the large cemetery that my body was to be put to rest in. The three large cars and the hearse stopped smoothly and the undertakers opened each door, thier working expressions not faultering even once. I slid out the back before they even opened the trunk and joined Gerard, who was still a rosy red and tear-streaming.
Six men took a handle of the coffin and put int onto the belt which they were to lower into the grave and I stood right at the very edge. What if all my memories depended on my body? Would anything change for me if a part of my was truly gone?
There was nothing I could do to stop them lowering the coffin down but I watched, frozen, unsure of my future. The one good thing about being alive meant you could die, but being in the state I was in, there was nothing to stop my being an immortal. No organs to perish or true form to weather away. That body was perhpas the most important part of me, and it was going to just be put underground while I wandered the Earth, watching over someone I can't truly remember. It was the only thing to be scared of anymore - Immortality, which meant being alone forever. No contact, no aknowledgement, just a state of being that could so easily be denied by those I stood right next to.
My stare was interuppted by some movement. I had been waching the edge for some time as the minister had finished his words, concluding with, "...Back to the Earth form whence he was born." and people were lining up, a handfull of dirt ready to throw onto the vessel that would hold that dear body for the rest of it's existance.
I stood aside as I saw Gerard's brighter form draw near, a hand snatching some dirt into one of his pockets before doing something nobody else had done previous to him. He put the tiny mound to his mouth and lightly touched it to his pink lips, uttering words before somewhat gently letting it fall through his shaking fingers down on top of the coffin.
"Oh Frankie." He whispered sadly, his voice higher than what I had already been accoustomed to. Gerard turned away quickly and retreated back to Mikey where he wrapped his arms around him once more, not even looking back as the turn was crefully placed over the top to mark a tragically new grave. The headstone a simple rectanglular shape, 'Frank Iero' carved in simple letters on the top.
In loving memory of Franklin Iero.
Born October 31st 1981: Died December 23rd 2005
Loving son to Jerry and Samantha
Friend and hero to many,
Forever in our hearts
Even the simple stone knew more than I. I took in the onformation and the names Samantha Iero and Jerry did sound very obvious to me. My parents. I couldn't quite be sure but I saw a couple that looked like they had an important placing in the funeral, were they not the ones in fron of me in the hearse itself. Sad as it sounds, I felt little towards them, being totally overshadowed by the mystery and allure of Gerard. They should be importtant to me but this is what I think: they were only responsible for the creation of Frank, not what's inside him. And I don't think I'm him anymore. Not all of him anyway.
I'd love to be alive, jump right back inside that body and know who everyone is. Jump out the coffin, give everyone a hug and tell them I'm never dying again but it doesn't work that way, does it? Sometimes I think I'll never be able to function, or want to that is, as a full human. When you watch them so close but in such a detached way... You understand a whole other side that you hardly notice with living eyes.