You would think being amongst the living woul feel great again, but it doesn't.
It shook my out of my current, confused state and brought me back to the scene where I stpod queitly like a silent sentry. I left my anxiety about the other half of what made me 'me' and decided to follow the quiet brothers, one a shining a warm aura of something that resembled a positivity to me and the other, someone who somehow managed to cast out some comforting light. I ignored my constant questions of just how and who everyone was to me and why I recognised that one particular church with it's shallow leaden steps. It seemed I'd have plenty of time to think deeply alone.
"So Gerard, are you going to go home? I mean, that's okay, we all understand." Mikey coiled a wiry arm around his brother's black jacketed one, life seeping onto him yet again, much like watercolours slowly making it's way across the page, the pigment getting lighter and lighter as it spread further and further.
"Yeah. Might be there for a while."
"What about Ray or Bob or...?
To this question Gerard simply shrugged nonchalantly and I felt another shudder run through my invisible form at this new name, Bob. Well, the whole point was that the name Bob wasn't new to me. It's a common enough amiable sounding name but it seemed to fit with the others'. Bob, Ray, Mikey, Gerard and Frank. That was a familiar group of people for sure, no doubts whatsoever.
They all meant something to me.
Mikey blinked at Gerard for a few moments, panic and worry barely able to break the surface of his overall calm expression.
"So, can I stay over with you? Just in case you need me." Mikey rubbed Gerard's arm, a weak smile spreading across his darkened features.
"Sure Mikes." Gerard nodded, showing a weak attempt of a smile of his own, bringing them over to the parking lot where people were saying their goodbyes and commenting on 'how nice the service was'.
If they knew how badly it hurt to go through any of what I had, the searing inferno and the utter empty nothingness, it would be certain most religions would be different, even if only slightly. Death had a whole new meaning now, especially when that ancient predictable spell can be broken.
Mikey sighed at Gerard's cursory, blunt answers that sounded so cold and spoke up after a long slience between them.
"It's so ~ odd, don't you think? To be back here."
Gerard nodded in agreement, studying the gravel with little interest, narrowing his eyes in focus.
"It was so crushing last time but also really exciting since.... I was a little worried that the service was gonna be done at a place that was so related to our career, you know?"
"You thought it would've been a bit disrespective, linking him to his career even in death? A bit too far? Yeah, I understand that, but it wasn't down to us this time 'round."
Mikey quietly hummed in agreement and walked Gerard over to a beat up looking small silver car.
"Do you want me to drive?" Mikey offered kindly, that sweet tone of his somehow emerging from his morose presence.
"No, I'll get us there." Gerard stuffed his hands in his trouser pockets and retrieved his carkeys, the chain clinking as he carelessly slipped them out.
I felt stupid for it afterwards but I automatically passed through the back seat door and sat myself down on the dark seats, immersed with yet more assaultingly obivous reminders of my life, the half memories begging to crawl their way into my concious thoughts so they could show me how great things once were for us. Things that should be so painfully clear to me were simply frustratingly blurred and misconstrued. That was part of the reason why it wrenched at my 'heart' where I felt all my feelings, I know it was so great once, but to have it all taken away from me in exchange to watch over someone who meant so much... Being in this half-alive form was really ~ sadistic almost, to make you just watch and not being able to comfort or tell people things or even ask them why they meant so much. I had truly nothing but an instinct.
I didn't bother surveying the dull scenery as the car violently made it's way into the city. I made nothing of the sharp turns or quick manoeuvres that put even Mikey on edge. Instead I leaned forward cautiously to watch them. Had I breath they surely would have shivered at how close I got. Being near to them was like a drug, it gabe me an addictive, comforting warmth to me and the sight of resl colours was something else entirely. I can't say how extraordinary Gerard is because of that.
The flat was one I knew and I could even point myself to one of the two bedrooms, I was drawn to it. I kept within earshot of the two brothers as they made coffees and riskes the deep cool nothing that made me question my existance when I was far from Gerard. That's how bad it was, to be far away from the warmth made me wonder how real this reality I was experiencing was.
This one bedroom made me feel a distinct flutter through me, an excitement at last. I knew this room, with it's poster plastered walls, clothing ridden floor and messed up bed. It felt homely. It made me feel calm and I could smell the heavy scent of Gerard too, strongly on the bedsheets and on some of the strewn aroudn clothes. I had lived with him then? Was that it? I had lived with him. I knew we were friends but to live with each other was more of a commitment.
Instead of spiralling into questions about it all, I was amazed at how stronly I remembered that room. I slept in that bed so often, the matress had very slight and it looked like Gerard had slept in it more recently.
"Gerard, it'll be fine okay? You'll always have me, okay?" Mikey soothed in a hushed tone. I went back to observe them, only to go back to the room I had just been in.
"Just come with me." Gerard motioned for Mikey to follow him, cluthcing a scalding mug of coffee. They sat down on the bed and Mikey rubbed Gerard's hand tenderly as Gerard took a few steadying breaths to speak once more. I loomed at the side of the comforting bedside, so tempted to join them but scared about being lashed at by incinerating touches.
"You know this room, right?" Gerard asked, feeling the sheets beneath him, clutching them tightly then letting go, over and over.
"Yeah, this was your room, wasn't it?" Mikey replied, not bothered by the apparant squalour of broken bottles that seemed too fresh and all the scattered objects. Fragments of memories just torn to pieces in anger, bottles drained by a hungry thirst for self destruction and clothes left where they fell or were thrown without a care in the world.
"You have any idea how lonely it is now it's just me here?" Gerard was inhaling deeply and I could tell by the way he licked his lips the air still hled some scent left behind from someone long dead. His eyes brightened as he did so while awaiting Mikey's answer.
"I miss beng with you too."
I had never said a word and I didn't even think about what words I was saying to Gerard, they tripped off the tongue and needed no processing to conjure up. I wanted him to hear, seeing anyone, let alone him, so hurt when I was so close was agonising. I wished that I could be alive, to never leave again.
There was no use in saying it but it felt rewarding almost to at least be able to say I had tried to contact this long-lost friend. If he knew I was there, that I could touch him... Though how different would the reaction be when he found it it hurt just to touch? Though he'd find out niether it seemed, I couldn't help but long for some contact. It felt good to just try.
There was no point to talking so every word I said, I truly meant, why else would I bother? what use are a dead mans' lies to anyone?
Gerard tossed his hair and for a second it looked like he was going to meet my gaze, but instead he faced the light blues sheets once more, the memories playing through his head like at the movies.
"To be honest, I don't Gee. But I hope I can help, I'll do anything I can. Starting tonight. I'll sleep in the spare room, right?"
Spare room? That implied that the room right beside this one was never occupied unless a guest came. Assuming that, from all my fondness for the room, that this was my room, that implied that...
"No, I'll set up a bed here. I want you close to me Mikey. I won't want to be without you - I love you so much, I need you around." Gerard explained, squeezing Mikey's hand, a slight ghost of a smile on his face.
And if it wasn't so painful, I'd want the same for us, even if I can't remember just yet....