One is deemed wrong, the other a punishable offence. So what happens if you want to choose both without knowing which way's which?
"Frank. Wake up, sugar."I nudged him softly but He didn't stir from his sleep. So I got up, put on my underwear and lay beside him again.
Seeing him clotheless too, I fetched him a pair of briefs (one of my own pairs probably from my careless unpacking) and slipped them onto his legs while standing at teh side of the bed despite the cold atmosphere.
At that moment did Frank decide to wake up. He dreamily turned to face me, raning his neck behind him.
"Mm, Gee. Not now, can have sex later." Frank mumbled, yanking the briefs on with a grin.
I probably went purple. I fell beside him, grinning as well, eager to hear how he was feeling, how it had been for him. This was a new freedom to us. It felt so damn good too.
MIKEY: Would they be awake soon? I sighed and rolled over in bed. I was so jealous of them! Gerard should've stayed here, he probably would've because of his protectiveness.
But it was Frank's birthday, so Gee was gonna 'drill a hole through him' (Gerard's actual words).
I pictured them and my stomach twisted painfully.
Mikey wasn't sure exactly how long he'd felt that way, but he knew it was wrong. He knew that his feelings for one of them was bordering on wrong, well, they were. If Gerard were to ever find out how he loved Frank's easyness and carefree attitude - both Mikey and Frank would be badly punished. In a way, it was also a way of him rebelling. Mikey secretly couldn't get enough of his brother's attention, even if it hurt sometimes.
When he noticed Gerard living in his own world, he had to do something to snap him out of it, even if it meant Mikey himself would be hurt in the process. But the odd feelings for Frank was seomthing Mikey had never known before. He wasn't sure of their existance but knew, deep down, he was flattered by Frank's naughty nature and charm. By this point, Mikey began to wonder why Gerard was so protective of Frank and concluded that any kind of relationship between him and Frank was most likely frowned apon. Anything more than friends, not even people to experiment with each other, would most likely get him killed. And it only made Mikey think more of Frank, eager to test how far they could go before they realised what they were doing. Mikey always wanted to experiment with someone, but never really understood Gerard's rough advances. No, Mikey wanted someone to experiment with that would be more equal and fair with him. And Frank seemed perfect.
That day, since Gee wasn't around, I could go see Ray. Maybe he could help me get over my jealousy When I entered his room he was playing guitar, afro-to-be flowing nicely.
"Hey Mikey! What's up?" Ray put the guitar down. I slumped onto a chair and formulated an answer.
"Wait, is it Gerard or Frank you'd rather be with?" he predicted eerily, while grinning. Was it so obvious to him?
"Uh, both." I admitted.
"Yeah, I'm so jealous too."
"Really?!" I was dumbfounded. But Ray was...He had a.....
"Who wouldn't be? They're so...in sync!" That's a new way to describe Gee and Frank!
"I mean, I wish I was there last night!!"
"Or is it tonight..."
"You have a crush on them both?!" I cut in.
"What?! A crush on the Misfits? Oh Mikey, don't be stupid! I'm straight..." I almost had to slap myself there. This way music-man RAY I was talking to! Not 'I love Gerard and Frank' man. That would probably be me.....
"Oh... OHH! I thought we were on about Gerard and Frank." Ray looked at me expectantly. I took in a breath to go on. I knew I could always trust Ray.
Ray understood me well. He understood it when Gerard beat me up, after Ray had gone, along with another guy leaving or something. That was when Gerard got worse and worse.
Gee was really sad, he was crying as he hit me against my wall. He flung me across the room, and I lay in a heap. Gerard crawled up to me though, and stayed beside me for hours. He kept yelling about nothing ever belonging to him when he was hitting me. I knew not to be scared. Gerard just needed me, he was really torn to pieces back then. I haven't been hit half as much since Frankie's come along though.
I went on, pouring out to Ray and as time passed, I evidently bored him. Not a great shrink. He was fingering chords on his guitar so I decided he wasn't listening to me anymore.
I slumped onto the couch at home to text Frank [definately Frank].
"Frank - you coming over here 2night?" I typed slowly on the phones tiny keyboard.
"I'm picking them up." came my Dad's voice close behind me. I jumped, sending the phone onto the floor from shock.
He laughed a little, "You want to come?" he offered
"Sure!" I tried to sound cool about it but really, I was anxious to go.
When we stopped in a parking lot, I recognised the two right away. They shuffled wearily up to us, grinning madly. I got out to let Frank in and Gerard got in beside me, squishing me in the middle. Frank took the last draw on a most likely illegal cigarette then tossed it onto the sidewalk. Where the hell did he get that exactly?
They were drunk, or worse, drugged up in Frank's case.
"How was it?" Dad asked, looking at us in the backseat mirror.
"Tell you later." Gee slurred, pawing the air. Frank seemed unable to speak for a moment and yawned loudly. I did up his seatbelt for him seeing as he looked uncapable himself.
Within minutes Gerard curled up against me, crushing me to Frank, who leaned on me too. I wasn't all too bothered but aftera while it began to hurt.
"Love ya." Gerard sang dreamily, out to nobody in particular.
"Ugh, can I use you Mikey?" Frank asked, corakily.
Before I gave an answer he put an arm around me and rested his head on my shoulder.
"Use me." I felt a guilty blush well up inside.
Frank was staying the night at our house, but I wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not. I saw him follow Gerard with a dirty look on his face, some beer in hand to fuel the drunken delight.
At first, all was pretty quiet until Gerard and Frank decided to remind me of the thin walls between our bedrooms.
"Frankie! Come'ere!" Gerard called. He had his head on the wall I slept beside judging by how loud his voice was.
"What'ya in for?"
"No not there." Gerard's voice took on a darker tone, "Down!"
After a few moments I heard Frank's delayed "Oh!" of realisation. I knew what was going to happen next, and cringed from having to be right next to it all. Frank was gonna get it... And drunk Gerard usually lacks that crucial kindness in him.
There was a choking, or gagging noise on Frank's part before a faint moan from Gerard. The moans got stranger and progressively louder too. By that time I was getting twitchy and agitated. It was torture. Something hit the wall a couple times as well, coupled with criss of delight. I had no choice but to hear all this, suddenly feeling alone, invisible and pained. You can guess why.
Without too much thought, I licked each of my hands, ears still tuned in to next door. My body shuddered with anticipation.
Time to admit something as I trailed my hands down my pants. The sounds, the thought of what was going on in that room: it didn't disturb me. I found it ~ sexy. The coupling was unbearable in one way, but in another it brought together the two things I had been forbidden. Frank, who from my view offered only pure love and Gerard, who's love I yearned but never got simply. I imagined my hands belonged to someone else as they crawled under my underwear well and let out an uncharacteristic moan. In my fantasy I could be anyone.
To put it in other words, the only reason why I look away from G and Frank kissing is from fear of being caught! I have to look, from jealousy (I hate that word) and some annoyance. It's not like Gerard doesn't deserve true love but the fact that they have each otherm making them both out of my curious reach.
But there's a strange thing going on:
I like Frank, but I know I can't have him. I like Gerard, but he's my brother. And for both I can't tell how much I like them, or how to a certain extent.
So why do I feel the way I do about them?! Why do I keep doubting who I really love? I shouldn't be doubting that, because Gerard's my brother!
You may be thinking, "Hang on! Gerard hurts Mikey though. Why does he like Gerard then?" Well, I never said I disagreed with it! It's all too confusing, all my thoughts on it contradict and while I'm thining I find myself doing something else. I remember being startled to find I was on the other side of the street while I was deep in thought about it all. Did I just have to go with it? OR would that only complicate it all further... The one thing I know is that love from either of those two would only result in pain, no matter how pure Frank's may seem.
Gee always knows what's best for me anyway. I don't care what he does to me. He always says sorry anyhow and it really isn't his fault. It's like he becomes a different person.
I was part of the way through imagining an impossible scene when there was a knock on my door.
I was so absorbed with my thoughts I forgot Gerard's groans had stopped and assumed it was Mom or Dad.
I pulled my bedsheets up to my chin in hiding and Frank came into my room, at first I thought unknowing what he was doing to my head and how many dilemas he created. He stood in the doorway lazily and slouching, before coming right up to me.
"What's up?" I asked, staring up at Frank in his clearly too-big briefs. I recognised them as being Gerard's at once. On closer inspection, Frank looked angry at me, brows furrowed over a twisted smile. What the hell would he want with me...