Categories > Original > Humor > The Book of Hondo

Labors 2

by shadesmaclean 0 Reviews

the Multi-Tentacled Home Theater Beast

Category: Humor - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Fantasy,Humor - Characters:  - Warnings: [V] - Published: 2010/11/25 - Updated: 2010/11/25 - 691 words - Complete

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And it came to pass that the Dudes didst travel unto Asgard in the Scoot Mobile, former home of the Norse Gods of old, now official headquarters of the Gods of Hondo.

Among the splendid, shining palaces they didst drive, as former angels didst continue to restore them in accordance with Lord Derrick’s Work Rehabilitation Program.

‘What a ride!’ quoth Dirty Uncle Orty. ‘I wouldst never have believed ye could fit so many people in the trunk of the Scoot Mobile!’

‘But telleth me,’ quoth Casey. ‘Is not the number thirteen bad luck?’

‘No,’ quoth Scoot. ‘ ’Tis bad luck to be superstitious.’

‘Looketh yonder, Derrick!’ spake Matt, ‘ ’Tis the 1884 Chevy Shit-Mobile!’

‘Dost thou not mean the Scoot-Mobile?’ spake Derrick, for he couldst see the Scootly symbols.

‘Shit Mobile… Scoot Mobile…’ spake the God of Running With Scissors and Other Sharp Objects, ‘Is there a difference?’

And so it came to pass that the Dudes didst arrive in Asgard.

And the Multi-Tentacled Home Theatre Beast didst terrorize those who dwelt in Asgard, reaching out with fiber-optic cables of death from the Entertainment Center of the Gods. For every cable that was cut off didst become two, and by now the attempts to trim it had caused the Home Theatre Beast to become terror to behold, a writhing mass of cables so thick that no one couldst see the entertainment center anymore, and those who dwelt in Asgard lived in fear.

And so Scoot drew the HellRazor and said unto the Dudes, ‘Let’s go!’

And all of the Dudes who didst have blades drew them, and RJ didst hand Booby a sword.

‘What?’ quoth Booby, ‘I’m kinda new here…’

‘Taketh one for the team,’ quoth RJ.

And so the Dudes didst power up and taketh a mighty thwack at the mass of cables, but the fiber-optic tentacles didst grow back two-fold.

‘That won’t work,’ quoth Scoot.

‘Well duh!’ quoth Nori.

‘We hath already tried that one,’ spake the God of Stupidity, ‘and we hath lost many a good worker to its gaping digital maw.’

‘We were too lazy to think of any new ideas,’ spake Matt, ‘so we didst let the stranger bet on thee.’

And the TV screens in Asgard didst all begin show the same message. And this was the message on the TV screens of Asgard:

PAY THE MAN.

‘Dammit! Get thee over here, ye dumbasses!’ quoth Nori.

And the Dudes didst huddle, and Nori didst explain her plan.

And so Scoot didst jump in once more to hack and slash at the cables. But before they couldst grow back, RJ didst blast each one with the Hyper-X Buttplate, fusing and sealing it.

And in this way, the Dudes didst subdue the Home Theatre Beast, cutting it back to its cable outlet, so that at last the Gods of Hondo couldst tame their entertainment center.

‘Many thanks for this awesome victory, mighty Gods of Hondo!’ cried RJ as he didst bow prostrate before them.

‘Hey!’ cried Nori, ‘point that Buttplate somewhere else!’

And Brian Fritz didst upstage RJ by bowing a hell of a lot better than he ever couldst.

‘No,’ spake the God of Screwing Perfect People, ‘we must thank thee this time for stopping that home theatre. It hadst gotten completely out of hand.’

‘It all started when we didst try to install our new digital TV,’ spake the God of Hawai’ian Shirts. ‘and it didst not take long for it to taketh over.’

‘There art things to be said for analog, mighty Gods of Hondo,’ quoth Scoot. ‘Thou shouldst really try to keep thine entertainment center more organized.’

‘We shall,’ spake the God of All Things Found Under Couch Cushions. ‘But now we hath a new labor for thee to perform.’

‘The stranger hath dared thee to overthrow the tyrant who hath taken over a peaceful land,’ spake the God of Irrelevant Topics. ‘Thou may’st use any means necessary, but the people must support thine actions for it to counteth.’

And so the Dudes didst set out to find a once-peaceful land and overthrow the tyrant who had taken it over.
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