the So-Called "Real World"
‘Good Ganja!’ cried Nori. ‘ ’Tis thothe thilly purple ninjath again!’
And seeing that his ass was in danger of attack, Miles of the Mowen didst hide his ass in the bushes to watch the battle.
‘But I thought we didst take care of them at the Airport!’ quoth Yoco.
‘ ’Twould seem we have not finished the job,’ quoth Scoot.
But the Dudes had underethtimated the thkillth of the purple ninjath, for they didtht thteal the HellRathor, and all of the Dudeth’ weaponth.
‘Ha!’ quoth the leader of the thilly purple ninjath. ‘Thou art no match for uth! We art the Mathter Purple Ninjath! Our Order hath killed many over the thenturieth, including Jethuth, Juliuth Thaethar, and Thocrateth, but the Greeks and thothe damn copy-cat Romanth kept taking all the credit!
‘ ’Twath we that killed Hitler! We that made Jimmy Hoffa dithappear, and tooketh out X! We that were the Thecond through the Hundred-and-Thecond Gunmen on the Grathy Knoll! Now we have come for thee, Thcoot the Ko’An, and all who follow thee!’
‘Not so fast, ye assholes!’ quoth Yoco.
‘What the fuck art thou doing?’ demanded Nori.
‘I calleth upon the Godly Powers delegated unto me by the Gods of Hondo,’ quoth Yoco, ‘to raiseth an army of Hicks!’
‘Not Hicks!’ cried Shmiles Shmowen, fearing for his ass.
‘Hicks?’ quoth Scoot. ‘What the hell canst they do?’
‘Yeah,’ quoth Casey, ‘for they art always fucking sheep.’
‘Yea tho they always have their dicks rammed up sheep’s asses for kicks,’ quoth Yoco, ‘they were born with shotguns in their hands.’
And so Yoco didst try to summon the Army of Hicks, and it came to pass that nothing happened.
‘Hey!’ cried Yoco, ‘where is my fucking army of Hicks?’
And it came to pass that the God of Nipples didst appear before the Dudes as Vanna White, and said unto Yoco: ‘We the Gods of Hondo have decided that the Brian shalt not be allowed to use Hicks for any thing other than his own personal pleasure. Have thee a nice day.’
‘But why now, of all times?’ cried Yoco.
‘ ’Cause thou’rt the Hans!’ sang the God of Magic as he didst vanish in a puff of green smoke.
‘That is seriously fucked-up, thou sickos!’ cried Yoco, for he was greatly disgusted by the Gods’ proclamation, as were the rest of the Dudes.
‘Damn pig-fuckers!’ cried Yoco whilst shaking his fist toward Asgard. ‘Damn ye all to hell!’
‘Now what the fuck art we supposed to do?’ demanded Nori. ‘I should have known better than to rely on Yoco to get us out of this…’
‘Oh well, here goeth nothing…’ quoth Scoot as he didst power up, for he knew there was only one thing left to do.
And so Scoot didst summon up all of his power, and didst stand farther backwards than he had ever stood before. Scoot stood so far backwards that he didst pass through three time zones.
‘Thufferin’ thuccotash!’ cried the Mathter Purple Ninja.
And it came to pass that the thilly purple ninjath didst melt into a puddle of pink and purple goo, and upon seeing the Scootly One standeth so far backwards, the Dudes’ brains were overloaded.
And so the only two still standing were Nori (who had the common sense to closeth her eyes when Scoot standeth backwards) and Yoco, who was still facing towards Asgard as he was bitching out the Gods.
‘Fuckin’ A!’ cried Nori. ‘Kungfucius must’ve taught ye that one!’
‘Aye,’ quoth Scoot. ‘Gee, I guess I knoweth not mine own strength…’
And Yoco didst turn around from cursing the Gods of Hondo to see the destruction, asking, ‘Did I miss something?’
‘Now what, Einstein?’ quoth Nori. ‘For the Dudes art all as brain-dead as a dead moose being humped by Tom Green. We canst not heal all of them, for we have only three healing potions left.’
‘I do not know,’ quoth Scoot as he didst remove the HellRazor from the puddle of goo.
And it came to pass that Vanna White— er, Derrick— didst once more appear before the Dudes, and said unto them: ‘We the Gods of Hondo shalt not restoreth the rest of thy crew until thou fulfilleth thy labor.’
‘Shit…’ quoth Nori.
And so Scoot, Nori and Yoco didst restore Adria, Casey, and Myles, and didst leave Shmiles Shmowen and his ass in a comatose state, and it came to pass that he never followed the Dudes again.
After wandering around for many days, they didst walk into a random person’s house and didst turn on the TV to watch MTV’s Real World.
‘I can’t taketh it!’ cried Myles the Unbeliever. ‘There is no God!’
‘That’s what thou always sayeth,’ quoth Scoot.
And Myles didst fall asleep.
‘Didst I actually watch this when I was a freshman?’ quoth Casey. ‘What ever… happened… to… soap…’
And Casey didst fall asleep.
‘Canst… not… fucking… stay… awake…’ quoth Nori.
And she didst fall asleep.
‘Sleep is for the weak!’ quoth Scoot.
‘Sorry, Scoot, I didst try…’ quoth Yoco.
And he didst fall asleep.
‘So mind-numbingly… boring…’ quoth Scoot as he didst yawn. ‘Three more minutes… Must quantemplateth…’
And even Scoot didst fall asleep.
And it came to pass that Adria, the Prophetess of the Hondo, didst stay awake through ten minutes of MTV’s Real World, for she didst getteth excited about anyone and everyone else’s life but her own during that time, and was easily amused, in accordance with the Twenty-Fifth Commandment.
And she didst prophesy: ‘Say, “Let the chips falleth where they may. I shalt ask the chickens for a raise.” For the Gods of Hondo shalt perfect the Science of the Idiot!
‘And it shall come to pass that a circus carny shalt be guarding the gates of heaven. For they calleth it a Wasteland, where the Red Machine doth hold court.
‘There the people all grindeth out uniform turds. The kitty and I now shareth the same catbox, and the Clock is laughing in my face. For Bob the Kiwi shalt return to earth and goeth unto the grocery store to buyeth an ice cream sandwich…’
And Adria didst prophesy many things which the Gods of Hondo wouldst forbid the coming of to pass, but for that they were also sleeping.
And it came to pass that the God of Lesbians didst appear before them as a balloon poodle, and didst heal the Dudes.
Sayeth the God of Maladjusted Freaks: ‘Thou art to be congratulated, Adria… at least I thinketh… That was pretty creepy. But the stranger hath a new challenge for thou to overcome.
‘Thou’rt to go unto the Company Town and findeth a way to defeateth the Board of Directors.’
‘No problem,’ quoth Scoot, for he had awakened from his hellish nightmare of endless commercial breaks and pointless VJ prattle. ‘We wouldst be more than happy to take them off the air for thee.’
And it came to pass that the lovely arm of Vanna White didst reach out of nothingness with a pin and didst pop the God of Corrupting Fair Maidens.
‘Damn ye, Derrick!…’ cried the disembodied voice of Matt.
And the Dudes didst go forth to find the Company Town and overthrow the Board of Directors.