the Rug That Really Tieth the Room Together
‘Even if ’twas with a little help from Astro Bitch,’ spake the God of Fighting Foo.
‘But the important part is that it was one of the Dudes who didst deliver the fatal blow,’ spake the God of Odnoh. ‘Now the stranger hath asked thee to steal Socrates’ Rug That Doth Really Tie the Room Together.
‘This ancient relic, which is believed to have belonged to the first radical of the Ancient World, is now kept at the retirement home on Mount Olympus, where most of the Ancient Gods didst settle into after they retired. It is said that this Rug hath the power to tie any room together. Rumor hath it that the Rug now adorneth the recreation hall, which is the Valhalla Room. Thou must spirit it away whilst the Ancient Gods art not looking.’
‘Stealing stuff from a retirement home…’ quoth Nori, ‘this shouldst be easier than tipping cows and shoving ears of corn up their asses!’
And the Gods of Hondo didst transport the Dudes to Mount Olympus Godly Retirement Resort.
‘Mount Olympus…’ quoth Scoot, ‘Somehow, it didst always look more impressive in the brochures…’
‘I think thou meaneth mythology books,’ quoth Oreamnos Americanus.
‘Whatever,’ quoth Casey. ‘Man, this place doth look like a dump.’
‘It hath indeed seen better days,’ quoth Jennifer.
And so they didst enter unto the main hall of Retirement Home of the Gods, and there they didst meet the swiftest messenger of the entire Ancient World, Hermes. But the once formidable runner had since hung up his wingèd shoes, and over the centuries the fastest of the Ancient Gods had become the fattest.
‘I welcome thee to Mount Olympus, the Retirement Home of the Gods!’ proclaimed the stout deity. ‘I see thou hast no pants. Thou’rt a strange bunch.’
And the God who couldst now be mistaken for Buddha didst call upon the nurses to provideth the Dudes with new togas, and it came to pass that the Dudes went Greek.
And the Dudes didst wander around the retirement home to find that whilst most of the Ancient Gods didst just sit around and watcheth TV, Zeus didst spend most of his time chasing nurses around as if he was still in his office (which had been turned into a storage closet) on Mount Olympus.
And the Dudes didst search the Retirement Home for many days, and they didst even find the Average Man, for whom all things (chairs, clothes, coffee mugs, etc) art supposed to be the “normal” fit, and they didst discover that these things didst not even fit him.
After a while, the Dudes didst find a room wherein a group of Ancient Gods had gathered. There they didst find a strange gathering, indeed.
For when Bragi was an old man, lying on his deathbed (for an old god doth never die, he just fadeth away), he wouldst have to find some young soul to continueth his tale with no end.
And it came to pass that Bragi asked of Scoot, ‘Wouldst thou continue my tale with no end when I passeth away?’
‘But of course,’ quoth Scoot, and the Dudes didst start looking around for some duct tape.
‘As a boon for accepting my last request, Scoot the Ko’An,’ spake Bragi, for he had grown senile in his old age, ‘I shall grant thee any one request that is within my power.’
‘Wouldst thou tell us where they keepeth Socrates’ Rug That Doth Really Tie the Room Together?’ quoth Scoot.
‘That wouldst be in the Valhalla room,’ spake Bragi, and the Dudes didst stare at him blankly. ‘Down the hall and to thy left.’
‘Now why didn’t we thinketh of that?’ quoth Casey.
‘Don’t get me started on that,’ quoth Nori.
And so the Dudes didst go down the hall and to their left, and they didst find the Valhalla Room.
But they didst discover that the Ancient Gods didst call upon a being from another dimension to guardeth the Rug, and it was guarded by the ten-foot-tall, grey-skinned giant whose name was Luigi.
‘Der… who goeth there?’ quoth the grey giant, whose booming voice didst echo all through the halls.
‘We art the Dudes,’ quoth Scoot. ‘We art come hither to see Socrates’ Rug That Doth Really Tie the Room Together.’
‘Da one-eyed God didst tolded Luigi not to alloweth any outsiders into da Valhalla Room,’ quoth the mighty giant.
‘Verily I say, this guy is dumber than a box of shitfaced, crazed weasels,’ quoth Nori, ‘but he is stronger than all of thee put together.’
‘Aye,’ quoth Scoot, ‘I shall have to outsmart him.’
And he said unto Luigi: ‘Luigi, how wouldst thou liketh to play a little game?’
‘Luigi liketh games,’ quoth Luigi.
‘Very well,’ quoth Scoot. ‘Let us play Hide and Seek. Thou shalt be it. Since thou’rt so big and strong, we shall ask thee to counteth to one million, then shalt thou come hither to find us.’
‘O boy!’ cried the gentle giant, for the retired Ancient Gods didst never let him have any fun. ‘One…. Two… uh… three… four…’
‘This couldst taketh a while…’ quoth Nori.
‘Didst he not miss eight?’ quoth Casey.
And so Luigi didst begin counting to one million, and the Dudes didst go unto the Valhalla Room and didst steal Socrates’ Rug That Doth Really Tie the Room Together, and they didst spirit it away from the Ancient Gods without their knowing.
‘Wow! This really wouldst goeth in any room!’ cried Oreamnos Americanus, for the Rug really didst tie any room together.
And the God of the Milk of the Flock appeared before them as disembodied headlights, and said unto them: ‘Hail, Dudes! Thou hast completed yet another labor, yada, yada now the stranger hath a new challenge for thee. Thou art to go unto a certain Burger Joint and out-disgust their very rude and unsanitary Management. Now go forth and showeth that stranger what thou’rt made of!’
And so the Dudes didst set out to find the Burger Joint.